#uhhhhhhhh ask to tag IG UESS?

[murdershaped]

Because of the traumatic experiences it was exposed to from a young age, Orin nearly constantly experiences derealization. Derealization affects one’s ability to recognize their thoughts and feelings and is described as a disconnect from reality. Events and surroundings may seem like they are distant or aren’t really happening, as though they are simply observing. Extreme stress or intense emotions that aren't being properly addressed or processed can lead to the brain choosing to retreat instead of facing the reality.

Biggest example we have in canon to support my thoughts on it is the act of killing or maiming the Dark Urge, her sibling. Orin did look up to them and even love them, but the jealousy and anger over seeing them being chosen over it lead to that disconnect. Orin knows very little about the world and emotions. Identifying what it is feeling is very difficult for Orin as all of it just feels as though everything is just a blur. Every thought and feeling just becomes numb and everything feels the same. Things happen, but they seem distant like they aren’t happen to her. All they know is to kill. Is there a problem? Kill it. Feeling bored? Kill something. Feeling intense rage and jealousy among all of the sorrow and despair of your sibling criticizing the only thing you know how to do? Kill them. There is no concept of what happiness and fulfillment could be like, there is only murder. Orin has no other coping or problem solving skills besides the act of murder.

So when it made the choice to hurt its sibling, Orin barely felt its true emotions. As they ground through the scalp and dug into their mind matter, they laughed. She thought this was the only solution and any despair was drowned out by the thrill of becoming Bhaal’s chosen. The consequences of her actions were hardly registered. Orin knew that they were getting rid of their sibling, it also knew that meant they wouldn’t be around anymore. But fully understanding that it would never earn its admiration, what it really wanted, was forever out of reach. Disposing of them wouldn’t make Orin the favorite, what she really wanted. But being so disconnected and misunderstanding the mortal experience as much as she does, what else could it turn to? Sometimes Orin still thinks to go tell her sibling something, the fact that they are gone barely registering at times.

#HEADCANONS. #uhhhhhhhh ask to tag IG UESS? #tw: dissociation