#valkyrie reads firefly wedding

[valkyrieblogs]

continuing my concurrent firefly wedding reread in both english and japanese! posting about chapters 6-9 this time. lots of character analysis and a few little translation things.

man i love how shinpei has been watching this whole time, but specifically waits until nitobe declares that he'll protect satoko that it sets shinpei off. like the way that it's just such an immediate follow-up to the conversation he had with her about how he's the only one who can protect her...

AND then the way that he specifically reacts and is about to attack nitobe when he reaches up to touch satoko's hands when she covers his eyes (to stop him from seeing shinpei)..... tbh with his declaration of him not wanting nitobe to lay a single finger on her, i'm surprised he wasn't going to attack him already when he took satoko's hands? but maybe he was only waiting because of the offer to buy her out, since that was part of their plan. it was just continuing to physically interact with satoko beyond that he couldn't abide...

lksjdgjlsj i get get over how childish he sounds too when he's begging satoko to let him stay in the room. something in particular about the way he's like, "i promise i won't kill him!!!" this dark thing paired him being a literal child about this. it's!!! genuinely something i find so interesting about him, the way that he's functioning as an assassin but feels so immature in so many ways. i really find it hard to imagine being raised with more regular socialization on the island, honestly? in a lot of areas...

absolutely dying at the fact that he wIPES SATOKO'S HANDS BECAUSE NITOBE TOUCHED THEM

aaaaaaa okay this line in english is "he's not the one who will protect you. it's me" but in japanese there's a stronger emphasis on it being shinpei's role/duty specifically to protect satoko, which i feel hearkens back to him being a tool for her to use

man the reveal with satoko's scar... i really wonder exactly the type of surgery she had. some kind of open heart surgery, but to achieve what, i wonder. in general i really need to refresh myself on the symptoms she would have... i have a lot of serious health problems myself, so i really enjoy writing disabled characters, and would want to do her justice.

but god the way that nitobe manages to really cut right at satoko in this scene. calling the scar ugly, then calling it fatal to a woman to have such an ugly scar... talking about the way it would make a man feel to look at it.

actually, i'm thinking about the way that satoko tries her best to present herself and carry herself with such dignity (particularly before coming to the island), and i wonder if that's partially out of compensating for how her body makes her feel. not just in terms of symptoms (or how she feels like a burden), but the indelible mark. the scar, but even her being unhappy when shinpei comments on how light she is (because for her it's a sign of bad health). being sick, and particularly being that sick, really can make you feel disgusting to others.

thinking about the differing priorities when nitobe agrees to buy satoko out versus when shinpei agrees to marry her. nitobe (at least his other personality) is exclusively focused on her connections to kirigaya house and her looks. right from the get-go shinpei (even before he seems genuinely attracted to satoko) only agrees after he sees her as accepting who he is on some level, and is not interested in the connections (or money) at all.

hm. small translation thing here. in english nitobe talks about the problem prostitutes at the brothel that satoko is at, and he says, "women with a man in their hearts." but in japanese he's actually referring to women who planned on participating in a double suicide with a man who was already married. not sure why that part got cut out of the english translation.

godddd okay the way that he's referring to satoko too when he says "defective merchandise", and the way it just reduces her to an object again. something to be bartered and traded. unpersoned.

okay i do also love that in this situation she's technically found a man who suits the criteria she has to appease her father (good title), she's decided she won't settle for this even if she doesn't have a choice. even if this is her only way off the island. it's!! a good moment of satoko finally choosing something for herself. there's also really something about her still having the guts to refuse him despite being threatened with sexual assault in this scene. being in this impossible situation and yet still refusing to back down from her ideals. there's a lot going on with her autonomy but she's really strong-willed in this scene... and again, her making this choice despite the coercion.

it's also interesting to me that her criteria is so focused on title to offset her so-called burden to the family, but her father himself sounds like... he mostly just wants her to be happy? it sounds like it's satoko who, out of obligation, feels she has to raise the bar for who is acceptable...

but then, in the next line of thought she has to herself, she's still phrasing it as though her father wouldn't be happy with this!! rather than satoko, herself!! and that's when she doubles down refusing nitobe!! aaaaaaa the way she is so ruled by her perceived debt to her father... i can appreciate why she is the way she is, but there's something about the way she just won't allow herself to make decisions just for her own sake. satoko!!!!

GODDDD and the way that he says that she's the most defective merchandise of them all by virtue of being ill.

honestly kind of amazed that shinpei managed to stay away from the scene for even this long. i do love that he only did stay away for as long as he did because she commanded it; something something the way that he feels like an attack dog with her and it's so good. (a poorly-trained one at this point as he does not listen to her when he continues trying to kill nitobe.)

mannnn i honestly love the way that shinpei specifically refers to satoko as his wife here. the uncontested claim on her as his just feels like such a power play against nitobe. plus also just, the re-assertion of his relationship with satoko in the face of what he's seeing play out in front of him. (particularly some other man trying to make claims on her.)

mannn the way that after shinpei gets shot, nitobe makes a threat to kill satoko if shinpei gets any closer, but that doesn't stop her from trying to struggle out of his grasp to reach shinpei!!!! the way that it's like... yes her moving closer to shinpei is not necessarily part of nitobe's threat, but her life is the one being threatened? but she is so much more concerned about shinpei's life rather than her own. despite this!! being a person who she has a really complicated relationship with. the way that in many ways she continues to be so willing to prioritize others before herself... even the way she values her own life is more to do with the potential value of it for other people (her father), rather than for herself.

actually, i think this scene might be the first time she actually uses shinpei's name? before she usually uses あの人 (that person/that man) or 殺し屋 (killer)...

god, after shinpei gets shot and it switches to the brothel owner talking to one of the employees... i love how unclear it is who exactly said not to go into nitobe's room no matter what until you see the shot of shinpei standing back up. that while he didn't orchestrate it, he was anticipating a situation like this in which he could prove his usefulness. that he could protect satoko again and make her love him more... it's also clear because of the calm of the brothel owner. he knows shinpei and knows that he can protect people. i think if nitobe requested it he wouldn't be so calm.

losing my mind at this entire page, honestly. like. not to say that shinpei is playing up the pain of being shot. but somehow he is managing to play up the pain from getting shot. JUST TO GET SATOKO'S ATTENTION AND TO PROVE HIS LOVE FOR HER. and again throwing around that he's her husband!! making these very strong claims to satoko being his wife!! god the way he also emphasizes just how far he'll go. i don't necessarily think he got shot on purpose here, but i absolutely think he would get himself injured on purpose if it would get her attention and affection. because that proves how far he would go for her, right? and her doting on him in return would be a confirmation of her affections for him. the way there is just so much potential for it to create this violent feedback loop to get satoko's affections...

GODDDD this scene where he talks about doing everything for satoko. also how it confirms that he was SPECIFICALLY waiting for satoko to make up her mind about whether or not to have her freedom bought!! it's especially interesting to me the way he was erring on satoko rejecting this guy no matter what. (because she has him, obviously. because he already was beginning to object to this.) but it also means he was watching what was happening and was waiting until he heard that confirmation, even through nitobe starting to undress her, degrading her... i can only imagine what he was thinking at that time.

but also just!!! the way that he's proving his love to her through his actions and inactions. i love how he also includes that he didn't try to kill nitobe, even though he very much seemed like he was continuing to try and kill nitobe. (it's very possible he could have continued even without satoko getting out of the way.) he's so!!!! attack dog here it's incredible. the loyalty he tries to display through it all.

also GOD i love how satoko does not lose sight of the situation at hand despite everything and manages to wrangle the gun from nitobe. love her not just being a damsel in this scene despite everything. how she still manages to have agency throughout and isn't saved just by shinpei, but also through her own actions.

the way that realizing she hit shinpei hard enough to make him bleed sends satoko into a panic, but he immediately switches modes so he can be pampered by her...

i also love him bringing up her using the handkerchief again, as if making a reference to the first time she wiped the blood from his face... also the way that he makes a bigger deal of this little wound (possibly for this reason and the attention to his face) moreso than the gunshot wound he very much has...

and i love how she indulges him anyway.

i also love how his plan to get satoko to like him more also backfires completely!! her flatly telling him that it didn't work!! but that then she clarifies—it's not that it didn't make her like him more, but she takes issue with his methods. i love her very clearly laying out that while he helped her, doing this in this way did not make her happy. it's interesting also that she says this is the case not just for when he's doing something for her, but for anyone. which puts interesting limitations on his job as a killer! if he wants to make her happy, he essentially cannot continue doing what he does.

this is a really interesting scene where she is recognizing the culture he's grown up in and works in, and attempts to teach him these absolute basics for interactions, like "hitting people is bad" (also consider not killing them). it again makes me think back to the fact that his mother died when he was really young, and the first person he killed was the person who killed her. the way he grew up without being socialized like other people might be...

i like how shinpei does seem to really be listening in this scene, but he's especially affected by when she shifts focus to how he should conduct himself when he's injured. he's so full of scars that i doubt anyone has ever been really concerned for him before. especially when we see how everyone else broadly acts like he's unkillable and takes him for granted.

i love him immediately hooking into that and asking her if that means she doesn't want him to die, and then her absolutely refusing to answer. it's not something worth answering to her, but to him it's again that confirmation of her affections if she says no... or frankly it might be a confirmation of her affections even if she says yes if it's to die for her. he's so!!!!! ........lonely, i guess.

even though we see how other people act with him, it's like... okay he's a killer for hire, so in that context he's a tool. he's prized for that and nothing else. the brothels and prostitutes like him because he keeps the prostitutes safe. it's again a transaction and an extension of his ability to be a weapon. he does have relationships, but we see that they're shallow. in particular with the one prostitute, he even says how she never meant anything to him. he just has sex with her. he says what people want to hear in a relationship because that's what's expected (to get what you want). again, a transaction. we also know he's had to kill women who can't handle what he does for a living when he tries to tell them. it just doesn't sound like he's had any kind of a relationship with anyone that goes beyond a transaction of some kind, or where he can just be... himself? rather than a version of himself he creates for other people. interestingly, the version of himself as a killer is probably truest to who he is, because then at least he has nothing to hide. so it makes sense that meeting satoko while he was already operating in that mode created the best opportunity to actually connect with him... and all of this explains why being accepted by someone is so important to him.

and again, how he's lonely. it's no wonder he's so desperate for satoko's affections and why no one else will do.

goddd this scene where she shows shinpei her scar. of her own volition, also!!! but i love that it's a thing she's been sensitive of her whole life, and how the scene with nitobe was so mortifying and awful, only for shinpei to try and cheer her up by comparing with the scars on his own body... and then satoko who is SO private and who get so shy about her body actually shows it to him. it's so good.

satoko coughing up blood. god i wonder when the reality of the severity of satoko's illness is going to hit him. when he made light of it before now...

love satoko also being referred to as a tool by her step-mother... the way that both satoko and shinpei experience this.

thinking about satoko very consciously choosing to share something personal with shinpei when she tells him about her nightmare, and about how she grew up with her health.

godddd the line about setting satoko free. the way it's both about making her feel like she's not just trapped in a room (by bringing the outside in) but also makes her sound like those same fireflies he just released.

i love how this scene also seems to be where she starts thinking much more favourably about shinpei.

the way that after the firefly dies on shinpei's fingers, again satoko ends up relating to the fireflies with their short lives and releases them, so at least they don't have to be trapped in this room like she does... i love the way she keeps relating to these things with short lifespans.

man this is such an interesting line. "without killing, i'd have nothing left." in japanese it's like... "if you take killing away from me, i'd have nothing left." it's not like the meaning is dramatically different, but i feel like it emphasizes that there is something about the action of killing that is at his core of who he is. which... again, i think, shows how important it was that he specifically met satoko when he was already in that mode as a killer. it really is who he sees as his true self...

and then shinpei asking satoko about what she really wants... i think it's interesting that she dodges the question and redirects to ask more about shinpei, again going back to working as a killer.

i also really like that he brings up how he doesn't have any attachment to the island. it's no wonder that satoko nails him on wanting to escape.

god this whole convo is so interesting. shinpei talking about it felt good to kill the man who killed his mother. it's honestly hard to judge how he really feels about things, but it does sound to him like... killing is one of his few pleasures? i always imagine the things he enjoys in life feel really... transient. killing, for one. having sex. shallow relationships... it all feels really... catered to physical desire, i guess? all of it visceral. i keep trying to picture more of shinpei's life on the island, but it's difficult.

and then this part where he asks if satoko thinks he's pathetic. in english, afterwards, he says, "if so, then comfort me." in japanese it's more or less the same, just slightly more direct. "if so, then i want you to comfort me!" voicing a want, not a command.

and then this part where satoko accuses him of fooling himself. god she's so intuitive about these things. he really does always play up these things, or even when it seems like he's taking it more seriously, he shifts into that playful mode again so he doesn't have to address how he actually feels about anything... he really is unhappy.

and then this line!! about becoming free and escaping together!!! god.

i love how satoko's gotten so much more comfortable physically with shinpei... again, she's so sensitive about these things, and she's had so little experience interacting with men. but in this scene she even offers to help him with his bandages (knowing that he's playing up that they're difficult), in part because she wants to reward him somehow for what he does for her... it's such a contrast to the bath scene earlier on.

satoko asking him if there's anything else she can do... it's interesting how she's still strongly in this transactional mindset. to me it feels again like it's an extension of how all her life she's felt like she's a burden to people, so she has to make up for this somehow... i love how in shinpei saying he doesn't need anything in return, it has the potential to make their relationship stop being (so) transactional? obviously they still want things from each other, but i think it still introduces the potential of a different relationship dynamic than satoko has typically known. i think at this point material things are still what she's most comfortable with, and that's obviously the case because she still agrees to bandage him if he gets injured again.

i also love her knowing that he absolutely WOULD get himself injured on purpose for her attention, and immediately tells him to not let himself get injured. SHINPEI...

YES, THIS!!!! being a burden. exactly. god the way she thinks so lowly of herself. always searching for something to be of value to others... in japanese it doesn't use "burden" here specifically so much as feeling like she'll become... troublesome? but the intent is still the same.

goddd the way that this feels like an indirect answer to satoko's fears about not being able to do enough for shinpei.

man this line where shinpei talks about how all the girls he's carried like being called light, and it suddenly clicks for her that this is a thing he Just Says. i think it stands out to her especially because of her health, being light is tied to being unhealthy. but also shinpei's emphasis on how he's said this to so many girls...

and then this part where she realizes shinpei doesn't love her, not really. that he would be happy with anyone who accepted him... he might want her love, but his understanding of his own love is incorrect. i really, strongly feel like he just doesn't have the framework to understand it (yet), in large part because of how he was socialized.

goddd satoko asking if he even understands love. the way she links his lack of understanding of love with his being a killer. in her thoughts she's acknowledging how these things are absurd, and it's clear that she's panicking like this specifically because she's realized that shinpei doesn't actually love her like he thinks he does. and it's clearly actually upsetting to her to realize this. she was starting to like his love for her. only to understand it isn't what she thought it was...

the way that satoko cannot answer what love is when pressed by shinpei. the way she continues to panic because she realizes that she also doesn't have a good understanding of love. that all her life love has never been a priority, never something she had to consider in a marriage...

god and shinpei not understanding why she's upset. i really wonder how much of this part of the conversation he followed, particularly because of her jumbled accusations... i do feel like at the heart of it that she's correct: he does not love her like he thinks he does. he wants to be accepted. he wants to be loved by satoko. he certainly wants her love and wants to be used by her. but what he feels towards her isn't love yet. i feel like she just got a taste of him going through the motions of saying what girls want to hear and now it all just feels fake to her. so it really does feel like he has to prove himself all over again to her...

THE WAY HE GETS so insecure and upset so instantly AGAIN once she makes a threat to the marriage. again resorting to making her feel guilty, to threatening to kill her after all—

god it's so fascinating to me. like. again. i really do firmly believe he doesn't have a proper conception of what most people would consider love. but at the same time he's still so needy for her affections, of being used by her (so that he has value to her), the promise of a life that has something better... he's obviously trying his best to manipulate her here, but you also feel the sheer desperation he feels at the idea of having that taken away from him.

and satoko doesn't buy it. i love that she's in close quarters with this assassin who could effortlessly kill her and she just brushes him off. it makes their dynamic feel much more equal!! and again, like she's still calling the shots despite everything. that she still has agency. and it works!! he leaves her. because of course he'll still obey her. and it does kick him out of his tantrum, and make him feel like maybe the reason she's not answering him properly is because she has to rest first. but he's still clearly stressing over it and feeling rejected.

also trying to understand shinpei's perspective on what love is. love is being a weapon? love is being used by the person you love. love is saying whatever the person you love wants to hear. love is being willing to kill for the person you love. love is being willing to do anything to protect the person you love. love cannot be separated from being a weapon.

also god i hit the image limit on this somehow ljskdgljlj so many thoughts about these chapters. i wrote a lot but genuinely if anyone has differing perspectives or anything to add i am so happy to hear it and talk about it

#firefly wedding #valkyrie reads firefly wedding #hotaru no yomeiri

[valkyrieblogs]

doing a concurrent reread in both english and japanese! i wanted to do some more character analysis this time around since i've read everything that's out, and i also wanted to look a little closer at the japanese (since i originally just read this in english). posting about chapters 1-5 here. (also interpretations of characters definitely aren't fixed yet, so i'm still figuring them out.)

"even so, out of my own will... i loved someone i should not have."

in japanese the verb that satoko uses for "loved" is 愛してしまいました. しまう as auxiliary to indicate that her having loved someone is something regretful, which at least to me i read as being in deference to the reader of her letter. i'm also curious about the usage of past tense here rather than using something like ている to indicate that she still loves this person. i've seen some theories floating around about her letter at the beginning here, but my personal theory that i subscribe to is that she's writing this on her deathbed, and the past tense is due to her likely death upon the letter being received. the only other scenario i can picture is one where shinpei was killed and she really did get his heart in the end.

lsjkdglkjlj the way that we see her already relating to things w shorter lifespans!!

also thinking about the way that shinpei is so casually chatty... why offer food to the person you're about to kill? it's like the planned act of killing satoko is separated from interacting with satoko at this moment. to me it really shows this... detachment? he's being kind by offering food, but he'll still kill her when the time comes. he's seemingly curious about why she's getting killed, but i don't think he has any attachment to her answer either way. it comes across as casually social while being incredibly detached from the person he's actually interacting with. it's probably an extension of his lack of empathy at this point. it just makes me wonder what motivates his interactions with others at this point.

god, satoko... the way that even being faced w sexual assault, her first thought is still on how it impacts her marriage prospects... it's awful the way that it's become her priority over all else in life.

thinking about what it does to a person to be raised on that island and how it impacts socialization. also the way that he sees his value as primarily being what he is able to do... how he is a tool and a weapon. i was talking a little about this on the hny discord where i think about shinpei and his lack of understanding of love as a concept, and how on the island love = sex = commodity = transaction, and how that has to influence his (lack of) understanding of it. his mother being a prostitute (and being killed when he was so young), too...

lsjkdgljsklgj i love that it's not enough to suggest marriage of convenience for access to what she has through her family, but she decides that she has to convince shinpei she's in love with him. which makes sense! if she's trying to cultivate a reason for him not to kill her! he's established that he'll be bought out with money, but he doesn't believe her declaration lksjgdlj so the assets somehow lose out to the promise of the marriage itself, which means there is something about a relationship he might actually want? at this time...

actually okay yeah the fact that money = priority up until she proposes and then he seems genuinely more interested in the concept of getting married to her and her interest in him than anything else. he ignores her comments about nobility in favour of asking what exactly she likes about him.

yeah god he seems like. genuinely into it when she's answering him desperately about things she likes about him.

i know satoko gets hurt by him later on when she realizes that he would be happy with anyone that accepts him for who he is (and i do think part of the reason he's interested here is because she's making these declarations after knowing what he does and seeing him maim people) but i do genuinely think that's part of his thought process right now. someone who accepts him... to me it's entirely about that and not about attraction. (until it is something he is attracted to, anyway, but i feel like that hasn't clicked for him at this point.)

YEAH okay so the fact that he even clearly loses interest once he clarifies that it's a loveless marriage that she's proposing...

i do also think it's really interesting that after that, she asks him if there's anything else that's useful to him, but he's not interested in things that are useful to him! which....... man. to me it says a lot about the way that satoko thinks about her own value in that her connections are the only thing OF value (not satoko herself). i wonder how aware shinpei is of himself being a tool, too.

thinking about this line (when she's objecting to kissing shinpei initially) now in light of chapter 35... she really does keep having these boundaries of what she considers acceptable pushed. obviously kissing =/= sex here, and she just doesn't want to kiss him in this scene... but.

goddd thinking about the negotiation that's going on here. "it's fine if you don't want to." "and if i refuse?" "then i'll just kill you when i'm supposed to." all the really dubious consent that ends up happening particularly early on, especially because of the circumstances that satoko's trapped in... the situation with her autonomy is really fascinating to me. in so many ways she's had little-to-no control over her own life, starting already with her disability. then dedicating her life to repaying her father (and viewing it as her personal desire) rather than considering if she may have wants outside of that, because she can't act greedy. the way that she downplays her illness for others (and to give herself a little more freedom than she has), too. and then she gets into this situation. it's interesting in that there are strong limitations on any choices she makes right now, and while entering into this arrangement with shinpei could be seen as coercion when she's threatened with death otherwise, he also doesn't... force her? he isn't going out of his way to save her if she doesn't agree, but it is ultimately up to her, and these are all choices that satoko is making. even if her scope for making decisions right now is, again, incredibly limited under these circumstances.

it also reveals a lot about shinpei's wants that other than money, this is the only term he'll accept for saving her instead of completing his job. (and he quickly prizes the concept of marrying her and her feelings towards him over anything else that comes with that marriage, so money is definitely not the ultimate priority for him, anyway.)

god and the way he gets cruel to her when he thinks it's a lie. but how that just ends up bolstering her resolve when he mocks her, saying that she has no worries about the future...

the way we see light in his eyes for the first time when she wipes his mouth and he realizes she is not refusing him after all. aaaaaAAA

AND the way it's revealed he really was testing her!! that he's surprised she would still kiss him after he killed all those people!!

he's playful and childish, but he's also savvy, too... especially in these early chapters.

GOD the way he seems to like the mirroring of how both of them have uncertain lifespans and he isn't... too concerned w the idea that she'll die soon (bc she doesn't seem ill right now). the way that he even plays with it, thanking her illness, asking if she'll go to hell with him... commenting on her proximity to death and how that must be why she can be okay with him.

lkjsdglksjglkj god him mocking her when she starts saying "oh my dad might not agree to this". the way that he's just...... playing a game with her right now. toying with her. like this just seems fun to him.

"the kiss and the bath were the same. even though he knows i can't refuse, he keeps making me decide."

yeah like this!!! it's so interesting. it really does feel like a game when he's watching her responses here, knowing that she can't afford to say no, but forcing her make the choice nonetheless. "like he's confirming my affection for him." yeah. it's a test. a test and a game. he genuinely wants her to say yes, to play along, to keep confirming those affections—but it's a test every time to prove her affections to him. but it is what he wants from her, ultimately. that's his motivation. he has to keep Testing.

"please save me. you're the only one i can rely on."

thinking a lot about how this early phase of the relationship is entirely transactional and relies on what shinpei can do for satoko. and that it is entirely appealing to his strength and ability to protect her.

hmm and flipping it so now that she's decided his comment about how his life isn't enjoyable IS actually about him and not her. does he actually not enjoy his life? it's difficult to tell just because of how manipulative he's being in these early chapters, but. outwardly his life doesn't exactly seem great. part of what i'm missing about shinpei right now is an understanding of his inner life, and that's why i feel like i'm mostly grappling for an understanding of him rather than satoko. (although i feel like i'll definitely do another read-through where i do focus almost exclusively on satoko, because i adore her.)

god her comment about the heart is so interesting at this point and the gall of saying it to him.

and then ANOTHER test when he leaves w the prostitutes, making that comment about how it seems like he has to die after he gets out of here. so finally she gets her response to the comment about the heart... in the english translation she starts to say, "i never said you'd die!" but in the japanese she's just asking him to wait. so i feel like his reaction makes more sense in light of what was written originally—it's why he isn't placated.

it's also interesting that when he tests her and leaves her here, she does anything BUT continue to try and appeal to shinpei, instead trying to get attention from literally anyone else. which probably makes him feel useless, also! that she has the will to keep trying and planning and figuring things out without him! the way this backfires on him, particularly when she gets all this attention from people with her dance, and they start crowding her... so he has to drop it and relent. but like. i think he's genuinely captivated by the look she gives him in this scene and it makes him stop testing her (at this moment).

the way that it just feels like this look of, "i'll get by without you if i have to." but he doesn't want that.

"why did you go with them?" "i just wanted to stand and chat a bit." "lies. weren't you just enjoying my reaction?" in jpn -> comments on how he's enjoying her reaction AGAIN, acknowledging the previous tests out loud "you're right." so it's interesting he agrees to it.

her declaration of, "i'm fine if you're not the one who saves me"!!!! god i love the way she feels so independent here.

THE WAY HE ACKNOWLEDGES HIS FAULT FOR TESTING HER/PLAYING WITH HER!!!! like. i really do feel like the dance scene is where he pivots a bit. for her proving she can get by without him, and also (i think) for it making him actually attracted to her. i think he prob also appreciates her cunning about it? that she can play at this game, too.

like!!! satoko isn't just passively going along with things.

god the way that in jpn he doesn't say "forgive me" but "I WANT YOU TO FORGIVE ME" it feels so direct and impolite.

okay yeah i'm not just making this up because even satoko notices the change in demeanor where he isn't just blatantly messing with her anymore. he's decided he is actually attracted to her and doesn't want her going off with other men or relying on anyone but him.

i'm using "attracted" but i'm really only thinking about it in a physiological sense; i still don't think he has the capacity to understand his relationship with her beyond that at this point.

i also wonder if this scene just activated his jealousy a bit for the first time, too.

reading the (outdoor) firefly scene and thinking a lot about how they've both had constraints on their lives in different ways. shinpei unable to leave the island; satoko barely being able to leave the estate in general, and only when accompanied. i love how being here is, in some ways, a chance for her to experience so many things she was never able to before as nobility? (particularly disabled nobility.)

chewing on glass. the english line is "my body is yours to treat as roughly as you please" BUT THE JAPANESE LINE "consider my body as your tool. so it doesn't matter if you use it roughly." there was a game i was into years ago where the english kept removing the (very intentional) repetition of 道具/tool and i see that's happened here too lksjgdlj (i understand why! i know it's because in english it's more unnatural to repeat things all the time!) anyway i really like that he really does refer to his body as a tool. it's good. love that thematically.

godddd the part where she apologizes to him and it shows the way he was going to try and help her in the bath and also wanting to join her in her futon. he really does get obsessed with her after that dance scene, huh.

aaaAAAAAA i love shinpei talking about her being in constant danger would make him indispensable to her. like!!!!! the way he needs to be needed. he knows how to be a weapon and nothing else and he wants to be used (by her).

HE'S SUCH!!!! a sulky brat here. i love him. that way that he pulls this every time satoko starts being avoidant in any way about actually marrying him. i love her 100% not indulging him in this moment, though. it's so good. like!!! i just appreciate so much the way that she's still so strong-headed in her interactions with him. particularly despite how dangerous he can be, and the way that she knows she has to rely on him. she still feels, in many ways, so true to herself?? it's a really interesting dynamic, particularly with the way he's so manipulative, too. i love that she doesn't just submit to it. (and even when she does, she knows what she's doing.) it just!! makes her feel like she has more agency even if that's not necessarily true. and makes their dynamic really good to me.

okay trying to split this up by volume as i reread so these posts don't get too long. anyway. um. IF PEOPLE WANNA DISCUSS STUFF, PLEASE, i am so open to chatting about things

#firefly wedding #hotaru no yomeiri #valkyrie reads firefly wedding