#well. today i noticed that they have opened the position again 🤡

[theflyingfeeling]

stupid stupid stupid stupid I am so fucking stupid

(LONG rant in the tags. originally a little longer still but apparently there were too many tags so tumblr deleted the rest lol)

#ahahahaha so i applied for a (fixed-period) job that was like. right up my alley? #and i was one of the two applicants and they invited me to a Teams interview which was supposed to be last monday #but when i heard the other applicant is someone who's been working for them for the past semester i was like 🤡 #hmmmm i do wonder which one of us they'll hire!! 🙂 #and i was crushed because why can't things go my way for once #being a job-seeker in this area on my field is so stressful and depressing if you don't have the right connections #so i cancelled the interview with an email on the morning of the interview #because i just couldn't motivate myself to go even for practice. i just couldn't #i did consider calling the place and asking if the sitauation was like i suspected #but i didn't because i am not a fully functional adult ✌️🤷‍♀️ #well. today i noticed that they have opened the position again 🤡 #which means that for one reason or another they're not going to hire the person who's been doing that exact job for them before? #and now i'm crying because lmao what kind of impression i'll be giving of myself #if i call them now and tell them why i cancelled the interview? #''yeah so i stood you up because i'm a hardened pessimist and thought i had no chance pls hire me lol'' #who's gonna want to hire a loser like this 🙃 a loser who couldn't even bother calling them like a normal adult would've #and also what if my employment agency finds out i didn't go to the interview? they could cancel my allowance ahahahahahAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA #god i hate being unemployed and i hate job seeking so much it hurts #my self-confidence is nowhere near it should be if you were actually to do well in job interviews etc. #''why do you think you'd be good for this job?'' I'M NOT! YOU'LL BE DEFINITELY BETTER OFF HIRING ANYONE ELSE!! #and some people's advice for job interviews be like ''just be yourself!'' like honey no #if i'm myself at a job interview absolutely no one's gonna want me ahaha #job-seeking is just so fucking crushing and humiliating #like. when you're studying and you have an exam? you can study for it as hard as you can and try to do your best #and you'll get the grade you deserve. if someone gets the highest grade it doesn't effect YOUR chance to get the highest grade as well #but when applying for a job? you can write a splendid application text and answer the interview questions as best as you can #but if there's another applicant that's significantly more qualified or experienced than you they WILL be hired over you #so you can try your best and IT'S STILL NOT ENOUGH #and that's why i didn't go to the job interview. because i wanted to protect myself from that heartbreak again #doing the best i can and still not getting the job