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#which btw i don't hold against him or am mad at him about bc he's an innocent kid
kevin-sedai · 5 months
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The vibe really deteriorated as the day went on, and now I'm sitting in bed, awake, feeling like garbage
#it was an okay weekend but i was jittery and numb for most of it#tried to write christmas cards for the first time in 2 years. cried while doing so and then had to lie down after i did 5#i got frustrated with the story i'm writing and considered dropping it or deleting the whole thing#spent friday alone pretty much all day which normally i'm fine with but for whatever reason made the loneliness really hit hard this time#spent all thanksgiving day waiting for a familial confrontation#got asked by my 6 year old nephew how old i was and then he followed up with 'well why arent you married what are you doing'#which i'm pretty sure is something he heard in a conversation someone else was having and he repeated it bc he's 6 fucking years old#which btw i don't hold against him or am mad at him about bc he's an innocent kid#but that made me feel really shitty#spent an hour today panicking about this dog virus#and in between all of that i was self diagnosing myself with mental illnesses#which made me feel awful bc it made gaslight myself in thinking maybe i wanted one?#which is so fucked up to the max and i'm so sorry for even putting that here#but i put this all here bc i could never have this conversation with people irl#they'd get too worried or they'd think i'm overreacting or i need to date or need to do something with myself besides read#i'm so sorry everyone#i'll try to be better#i just had to put this out somewhere#and i didn't put this in a journal bc my last entry sounds so teenagerish out of context i don't even want to look at it#anyway i have to try to sleep i have to go into the office early tomorrow#i'm sorry guys#i really am😔
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the-acid-pear · 2 months
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My dream tonight was fucking insane. I'll just write bullet points.
First off all the baki anime was getting rebooted so this time they'd fucking made Baki a furry. Not as in he was anthro, no, he had to put on a fucking suit (it was a cute big cat :) ) and i was so maaad about this change because the old outfit was iconic enough and this was being made to appeal to a larger audience or something.
Also i think they killed off Jack Hanma or something i was mad about that too
Next thing i remember I was outside, in some hike. I always dream about being outside.
I don't remember shit i did except for the fact when i was tired i decided to lay down in the middle of the fucking field for no reason and i threw a pillow and a blanket and it was a wide thick blanket this magenta color, close to this one,and i laid down i started seeing in the horizon with the clouds all going down one was coming over which very clearly brought rain and i knew rain at night while i sleep on the grassy ground was like a death sentence but i just didn't feel like moving to the house a few blocks by where other people lived because i'd fumbled it pretty hard before.
My death wish wasn't granted however because one woman and some maybe male pal of hers came over. She was blonde and had an eyepatch. I pretended to be fast asleep so she wouldnt try to move me. She didn't, instead, she covered myself with a plastic wrap (head to toe btw i got scared for a second about it but decided to just trust her y'know?)
Lady said i looked cute and retold a story about one time i helped her, something related to her eye prob. I think her name was "one-eyed Jackie" btw. Also, i didnt feel like an adult in this dream, i felt like a kid, put a pin on that.
Now cozy and safe i decided to quote a poem from memory to sleep a poem which does not exist and of which i dont remember enough to write it down but the main theme was about holding on against the unstoppable crushing pressure and this was all illustrated on a comic in a dark pool where the character (fucking PG btw idk how he didnt short circuit also im really normal yes thanks for asking) started floating but then there was no water and he was just gripping the edge to not fall and he never did but the poem ended with the repetition about gripping on. It was a somber one but bc my loving nature i just wanted to save him tm and i kept (no pun intended with that last one) thinking of two people walking across different landscapes like a documentary montage. It was nice.
Unfortunately i was almost ran the fuck over while i was trying to dream in peace.
I jumped to the side and avoided the truck but my devices were there and i told to Jackie "My phone is there :( " and she was like no they retrieved it now stop worrying about that are you ok?!
I think it was then when it fully transformed into a movie, or perhaps the earlier scene with Jackie was, either way, i am now no longer me and im instead L.L.
And for dear life I'd not explain to you what happened in this movie although i think they mentioned Sam Raimi made it? It did have some horror things like uh, a fucking werewolf. Like out of our pals, he was just a werewolf and he'd transform each part whenever he wanted. It was nuts, hilarious too.
There was a big bad and his team too at one point they set our little clown shack (bc it was the size of a letrine yet like 8 people were inside it) on fire.
The ending was nutty too actually papyrus fucking died i just remembered. There was this giant freezing mechanism and he (who btw didnt look like paps he was naked his head was very rectangular and cartoony and bigger than his arms, also he was my height) was like "i'll just wait for them to come back to talk this out! :) and i was like PAPYRUS NO! but then it was too late he was head to toe frozen with a smile still on his face....... tried to whipe the moisture from his face maybe w some heat we'd save him but a girl in my team just was like cmon we need to go so i had to leave him.
And then we faced the big bad who was literally just some guy who kinda looked like uh. Hang on. Well i cant find his name but the guy from bg3 who looks like a fucking clown and people love to hate or something. Except w longer crazier hair. And he did fucking kil my epic werewolf bestie but we managed to get rid of him locking him up Somewhere i guess for him to die.
and then we were all coming back from the intensity of it all and the girl from before is like "you gotta admit, that was the best terrible movie ever" and i didnt dare to say i actually loved it
also i forgot if i mentioned this but this movie had a fandom and fanart and somoene had drawn my wolfy pal (who my brain keeps insisting on calling trevor but im pretty sure that's an unrelated werewolf. Also this guy i remembered his looks, his fur was grey and black but he was pale and blonde w short hair sticking up, like, platinum blonde) like "yeah im a werewolf despite that never being explained ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" which is why when it happened i didnt question it, ironically.
anyway i think i brought up the poem and this is when you take off that pin because now one of my childhood friends from primary school (or a representation of her) started talking about how she wrote a following poem or maybe i was talking about a different one idk but she talked about how it opened doors in her life and she annoyed me so i went to sit somehwere else.
And i remember this scene where someone went to sleep so we were told to be silent and a friend was looking thru my drawings adn they were all things i never drew of characters that dont exist and it had this tangible mischevious energy like we were two kids trying to not laugh annoying each other who might get in trouble.
Then i finally sat down in a corner with a friend, could have been my childhood friend (only one i still talk to who's male) or my platonic partner (eye, if you're reading this, hi! ^_^) and we just started talking about friendship, with him mentioning i'd go talk to the rest in the main table instead of lingering here alone but i conter argued i'd eventually do it, it'd just take me a long time. After all, it did take me quite a bit to get close to him, did it not? this was fine.
I woke up so groggy i wouldnt have been able to tell you my own name if you asked me but that whole thing just felt like, such a peaceful story. So fun ! Sad i couldnt save the wolf but you cant save everyone out there tbh
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