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asoftervirge · 4 years

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Of “Love” & Murder (7/13)

CHAPTER TITLE: Logan Oxford: Esteemed Novelist

RATING: PG PAIRINGS: P. Sanders/V. Sanders (main/one-sided); R. Sanders/V. Sanders (former); V. Sanders/L. Sanders (former); V. Sanders/D. Sanders (former); Remy/E. Picani (side); T. Sanders/OMC (mentioned)

CHAPTER WARNINGS/KINKS: mentions of Anxiety, Logan being A Nerd, Philosophy Jargon, mentions of a previous Murder, mentions of Poisoning CHAPTER SUMMARY: Logan tell Patton how he met Virgil.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: And we’re introduced to Logan! :D This chapter is shorter than the Roman introduction, but it should still bring excitement for people to want to learn how xe died. That’s a weird sentence. lol And yes, xe not he. Logan has had a number of changes with this update and I’m very pleased with them, so I hope everyone else is too. Also, this chapter is PG, so that’s good! Have fun reading everyone! xx Virge

INSPIRATION: This post by @phantomofthesanderssides

AO3 || Buy Me a Ko-Fi!

Patton squeaked and stood up straighter. For some reason, this person gave off a cold and aloof aura. Much different from the warmth and passion that radiated from Roman.

“You— You must be the second of Virgil’s husbands?”

“Spouses,” the second ghost immediately corrected. His lips curled into a slight scowl. It was pretty intimidating to say the least, especially with how tall he seemed to be. “While I do not completely mind being considered his…’husband,’ I would prefer to be called his spouse. Also my pronouns call be he/him, but I would prefer xe/xyr.”

“O-Oh!” Patton blushed, feeling bad he accidentally misgendered another person. “I’m so sorry! I-I didn’t mean—”

“Since this is our first encounter and it was merely an accident, I’ll let it slide.” xe told the confectioner while marching toward him, maintaining a good distance. “However, should we encounter each other again multiple times after this, and you still continue to misuse my pronouns, I can guarantee I will not be so friendly.”

Patton gulped. “Got it.”

Xe held out a hand for him. “Logan Oxford. Esteemed novelist and self-admitted astrophile.”

The confectioner didn’t know what half of those words meant. “U-Uhm,” he shakes Logan’s hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mx. Oxford.”

“Logan, please. No need for formalities.”

He nodded. Now that he thinks about it, Patton has heard the name Logan Oxford before. His cousin Emile brought xem up a couple of times when he talked about therapy (while still keeping patient confidentiality, obviously). He mentioned how xyr essays were really good, but they seemed a little too…stuffy, for his personal tastes (like most scientists/doctors/philosophers/etc).

Now meeting xem for the first time, he can understand why Emile said that.

While Roman had on very bold, fancy colors: reds and whites and golds, Logan was a stark contrast to that. Similar to his own palette but not quite. Xe had on a dark blue dress coat with a white button-up underneath it, along with black suit pants and dark brown dress shoes. A little bit of gold was on his buttons and cuff links, but other than that, the colors xe wore were predominantly dark.

Come to think of it, there were a lot of differences between he and Logan. The novelist had dark eyes while he had baby blue. Logan had straight, gelled black hair while he had strawberry blonde curls. A medium build with a good amount of muscle as opposed to a soft curvy build with a bit of chub. A sharp face as opposed to a rounded one. Square glasses as opposed to rounded lenses.

Regardless, xe were a very clean-looking individual. Perhaps even handsome in xyr own right, much like Virgil was.

“I suppose you’re wanting to warn me about Virgil too?” he asks.

“Is that not why you’re here?” Logan responds. “Or were you just wanting to put your nose into the affairs of a relatively wealthy man?”

Patton pouted. He didn’t have to be rude about it!

“But yes,” the novelist says immediately after. “I am here to also warn you about the dangers of Mr. Virgil Nyx of 613 Rue Morgue.”

“Well take your time. I’m not here to rush you.”

“I appreciate your concerns, but my past before Mr. Nyx is easy to discuss,” Logan tells him.

The confectioner nods, listening to him attentively.

“Growing up as a child, my father was a firm believer of knowledge,” Xe began. “He always believed that it was an incomparably valuable, multipurpose tool, instrumental in identifying and solving any of the world’s problems.” Dark blue eyes casted themselves over to the books. “One of the things he used to tell me was, “If you are ever worried about getting hurt, then seek knowledge. It is our greatest weapon, and our greatest defense.” And so, with that, my ever-growing thirst began.”

Xe went on, “I scoured for any form of knowledge, be that books or even educative television, wherever I could find it, I absorbed it entirely. I read every book from both my father and Ye Ye, every book from the libraries— primary school, the public one, university— etcetera. All of it was not enough for me. I eventually received my Master’s in Philosophy and a Doctorate in Physics, wishing to expand my love of all things intellect and share it with the world.” He turns back to Patton. “Before my graduation, I had published a few theses that were eventually used at other prestigious universities; and afterward, I had written a book or two, which resulted in my rise to celebrity.”

Patton nodded. Then he asked, “Had you known about Virgil before you met him?”

“I was aware of him, yes.” the novelist’s lips thinned into a firm line. “I had heard about the…supposed suicide of Roman Scarlet, famed Broadway actor and beloved performer of the Storytime lounge. I had also heard of his brother’s desire to take Virgil to court without any proof of murderous intent, I believe he was even in contact with a lawyer despite this.”

The confectioner looked at xem in surprise. “Even when he didn’t have evidence, his brother had contact with a lawyer about wanting to see if Virgil could be charged with murder?”

“Indeed.” Logan nodded. “At first, I read it off as some silly story for revenge, not exactly understanding how that was actually the truth.”

Patton nodded. “So…Did you meet him at a book signing or…?”

Logan didn’t say anything of the longest time. When xe did, it was very vague-sounding. “When I met Virgil…well, let’s just say it was…a strange sense of irony.”

…

If he could, Virgil would have openly spat about how much he did not want to be here. When he became as wealthy as he is, he swore up and down that he would never return to this place, return to the old life he lived before he knew what it was like to have money.

And yet, here he was, walking into a familiar-looking bookstore. The name re-entering his mind like he hadn’t shoved it out oh so many years ago.

Catching his eye was the small clump of beings standing outside its old, paint-chipped door; maybe the line won’t be as long as he thought. However, he quickly (and unfortunately) realized that the clump of people outside stood at the end of a line that snaked through the entire store.

Everyone and their mother apparently wanted to meet Logan Oxford today of all days.

He should’ve expected this, and yet, he didn’t. Idiot.

Actual anxiety slowly began to seize his being as he continued to approach. Everyone seemed to have a book clutched in their hands. Most were the newest release that came just before the holidays, while some seemed to be personally chosen titles by the older audience, and then there were even books of essays that were held and gossiped about by students (or who Virgil assumed to be university students).

By the time the line actually started moving, Virgil felt sweat starting to coat his palms. He let out a noise of annoyance and shoved them into his pockets.

He was not going to let his stupid anxiety ruin this chance for him. He wasn’t!

Walking in, the little jingle of the bell above sounded like the heavy dong of a church one.

Virgil forced himself to look around. This cozy little hellhole remained the same even after almost a decade. (He even forced himself to wonder if the old owner was still here. Probably not. Maybe retired. Or dead.)

The lighting was still bad, but it gave the small interior of the store its warm glow; the carpeting was still old fashioned and had that untraceable smell to it; the chairs scattered about the store were all patchy and worn-down; the wooden tables had scratch marks and random-ass messages that people carved in with pencil; and there were still crazy knickknacks and antiques hanging from the walls or seen from the shelves.

For the widower, this place was a walk-in nightmare, like walking into someone’s grandmother’s house. But for the many customers who come and go daily, it was a little spot of comfort.

Silver-grey eyes eventually found the prize he was looking for.

Logan Oxford sat at a small table with a pen in xyr hand. The writer smiled very thinly up at an admirer as xe handed back their book from across the table.

A thousand little details flooded Virgil’s mind all at once. A full mouth that could be expressive if it wasn’t so clearly behind a reserved wall. A face that was as sharp as Roman’s but it was much more angular. Rich, dark eyes that almost seemed black: dark and mysterious, they looked like they were pulled from the night sky. Slicked back hair that would still be considered neat without all that damn hair gel.

Xe were more than attractive than the widower realized. Perfect for being his next target.

Just before it was his turn, he saw a stand full of Logan’s books, all new and old alike. Making sure no one was looking, he snagged a copy before making his way towards the novelist.

The novelist took the book without even saying anything, not even so much as a polite hello. Xe flipped it open to the first page and started to scribble on the first page with blue ink.

Virgil looked down at the book he grabbed and an idea sparked in his mind. He cleared his throat, but not loud enough to cause a scene. “Mx. Oxford?” he pretended to sound eager. “I know you’ve probably heard this before, but your philosophy essays are so fascinating.”

“You are correct, I have heard it before.” xe said. Dark eyes flashed up at him, a brow quirked and his expression monotone. “Do you have a particular question you’d like to ask me?”

He nodded. “Actually, I do…Do you believe that your field of study has been hindered by the teachings of Aristotle, or are you one of those science-y people who just nod and continuously say he’s right without any substantial proof?”

At that, Logan’s head shot up. “…beg pardon?” Xe were a little stunned by the question being asked of him.

“Do you agree with Aristotle’s teachings, yes or no?” Virgil asked again, a tiny bit amused as he made the novelist react in such a way.

Xe cleared xyr throat, trying to regain some composure. “W-Well,” he stammered. “In the case of Aristotle…the man was usually wrong. A lot. Most of his descriptions of the natural world are some variety of incorrect,” xe tell him. “Looking past his blatant sexism, his understanding of motion and forces is wrong, is astronomy is wrong, a good portion of his biology is busted, and science has in fact suffered for it. For almost 2,000 years to be specific.”

The widower hummed. (Truth be told, he hated philosophy. It was basically a bunch of old guys trying to preach certain ethics and ideologies that would eventually become outdated and criticized.) Nevertheless, he wanted to know what Logan thought about it.

“However,” Logan continued, a glimmer of something sparkling in his eyes. “It wasn’t until the 1800s when the atom was officially declared A Thing, that people began to believe his contemporary, Democritus, as opposed to himself.” Xe snort. “Not to mention, according to Cicero, his prose was apparently a flowing river of gold…when it actually was not. And it was because of him that we not only lost science but also a catastrophic amount of classical literature.”

“So in actuality, his works are basically glorified lecture-notes from his students?” Virgil smirks faintly. “I guess you know now why we should’ve listened to Gorgias instead.”

“Gorgias?” Xe ask, looking at him incredulously. “The man was, excuse my Greek, a pathological pain the ass. He didn’t care for objective truth and stated that everything was a matter of opinion, which was always bendable.”

“Exactly!” Virgil smirks more. “Everything is a construct, therefore we tried and failed. So now all we need to do is to hide under the covers until the sun goes away.” With that, the widower takes his autographed book and begins to leave the store.

“Falsehood!” A screech came from behind him, making him jump. He turns around to see the novelist get up and stride over to him, a sharp look in his eyes. The widower immediately stood straighter. Damn…that glare reminds him of a certain someone that he does not wish to remember right now. “Just because Gorgias was able to obliterate Stephanos of Thebes with straw-man arguments and casual fallacies, does not mean you can, Diogenes the Cynic.”

Virgil blinked. “…Diogenes the Cynic?” he echoed.

“Yes,” Logan says. “A philosopher who believed that all Sophists were liars, the Philosophers were too pretentious, therefore taking immense pleasure in poking fun at their logic.”

The widower pondered thoughtfully. “…yep. That sounds like us just now.” A glint of wicked humor shone in his eyes as Logan just looked done with him. “But in all seriousness, Mx. Oxford. You have to realize that philosophy can be a bit asinine, right?”

Logan stayed silent for a moment before breathing out. “I suppose so,” xe states. “All of the big, complex ideas simply come from those who are fallible and prone to…ridiculousness. For every Plato’s Republic, there is a Diogenes urinating at a banquet table.”

“There you go,” Virgil laughs. “I hope you really didn’t get offended by what I said. I like presenting counterarguments just to see how people react.”

“No harm done. Although I must admit, while I don’t particularly enjoy socializing with others all that much,” Hard same. “I would like to talk to you more. Maybe about science-based media— or whatever it is you’re a fan of?”

Virgil nodded, smirking internally. “I don’t mind at all. In fact, I would like to challenge your claims on what you call cognitive distortions. As someone who has generalized anxiety, I wanna know what your psychology thinks about my over-reactionary mind.”

Logan hummed in interest. “Oh? I look forward to it then, Mr…?”

“Nyx. Virgil Nyx.”

“Mr. Nyx.” Named after the Roman Goddess of the Night, the novelist mused. Xe liked it. Xe scribbled something onto the back of a bookmark, handing it to Virgil. “Again, thank you very much for coming and I hope to communicate with you again soon.”

“See ya.”

With a finger salute, Virgil left the bookstore with a sigh of relief. He was quite glad that his anxiety didn’t make him look the a fool and that he was out of that atrocious place. He opened the book and saw the fancy penmanship of the novelist.

On the bookmark, was his phone number.

He smirked. Maybe he did succeed after all…

…

Patton listed as Logan finished telling him about xyr first meeting with Virgil. He had to admit, it was rather nice to not listen to any…graphic details about things he didn’t want to know, even if Roman told him in a vague manner.

“So how did you stay close with Virgil?” he asked, remembering the questions he presented Roman. “You gave him your number; did you call each other on the phone? Or did you both kept meeting at the bookstore.”

Logan shook xyrs head. “No. However, I would invite him out for some coffee if I was in the area. And every time we did so, we would always have little discussions that would turn into…not-so-little discussions after a period of time…”

Patton raised an eyebrow, smiling knowingly.

The novelist scowled. “We did not argue, if that is what you’re thinking! We…debated, that’s much more civil.” The confectioner giggled but allowed him to continue. “And, while I’m not a traditionally…emotional person…it was quite nice to have someone debate on certain subjects with me, even if they tended to hiss at me from time to time.”

Despite this slowly becoming a sad tale, Patton giggled again. He won’t lie, Virgil did act like a cat every once in a while. It was actually kinda cute (you know…despite the fact he murdered three people…).

“I would also take him to any conferences or panels that I would be invited to attend or speak at,” xe told him. “He would act as my plus one, if you will. I must admit, even if I could manage them on my own, it was…almost beneficial for me to have him around during those events.” Xe chuckled. “I say this despite the fact that he detested such things, as they tended to prompt his anxiety and cause him to rudely hiss whenever someone— and I quote— “reached his limits with stupid questions.” Not only that, he was not primarily invested in the actual subjects of said discussions and was more interested in the catering they served.”

That caused Patton to actually laugh. That also seems like something that Virgil would do, though he doesn’t blame him at all. In fact, if he were in his shoes, he would be a bit more curious in the food too.

Logan couldn’t help xyr lips from twitching upwards. “I shall confess, there were times where I myself have agreed with his sentiments.”

Unfortunately, the smiles and laughter had to end at some point.

“But what happened afterward?” Patton eventually asked. “What caused everything to go downhill?”

The little twitch of a smile instantly when back to a frown. The confectioner sees xem turn to grab a book that was suddenly on the table (when did that get there anyhow?). It was a very beautiful looking book: dark indigo in color with a title that he couldn’t quite make out, but he could see Logan’s name at the very top. Xe opened the book, flipping it to the very last pages before handing it to Patton.

‘ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS’ Baby blue eyes skimmed through the short paragraphs of text. Logan gave simple but kind words as xe thanked the people who helped xem achieve such a feat, such as his parents and former professors.

Then he followed to where the novelist had pointed a finger at.

“Lastly, I would like to give acknowledgments to my husband, Virgil Nyx.

While we have not known each other long, and have newly become married, but having your support throughout this journey was momentous for someone like me to complete this project. Your harsh and honest (almost too honest) criticisms of my work were what kept me going to make and achieve better than my means. And while I am not an emotional person, nor do I express my emotions often, I quiet enjoyed having your company while I wrote and rewrote my rough and final drafts… And I must thank you for bring me my favorite green teas and jellied biscuits whenever I hadn’t eaten or drank anything for hours on end.

This is the most I have genuinely praised someone so highly (and also a first), but it cannot be helped. I truly hope you see the appreciation and respect I fester for you.”

Patton couldn’t help but tear up. To Logan, they may appear simple, but they were also so beautiful.

“As you’ve read, by the time I had written my last book, Virgil had become my spouse.” Logan says. “We were married in a simple ceremony. Something that was vastly different from Roman’s grandiose nuptials.”

Patton giggled. It was amusing with how Logan was poking fun at Roman from beyond the grave. (In an almost magical way, he could almost hear an indignant noise in his ear).

“But,” Logan’s face grew sad, almost angry. “That did not last long, unfortunately. I had quickly fallen for Virgil’s rouses like the one before me. And, like him, I was met with an unfortunate end.” A deep, almost tired sigh. “To think, someone like him could have been two steps ahead of me in a metaphorical game of chess…I must say, it was truly a checkmate on his end.”

“Him murdering you, you mean?” Patton asked, fearing the answer Logan will give him. Silence. A very familiar silence.

Then, Logan nodded. “Yes. Although, poisoning is the correct terminology this time around.”

#Sanders Sides #Patton Sanders #Logan Sanders #Virgil Sanders #Analogical #Of Love & Murder

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stardustandcatpaws-blog · 7 years

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five

It has really been a really long time since I have written anything. I noticed, right now actually, that my self esteem has been gradually getting lower since I stopped giving myself compliments everyday. I will start again tomorrow. However, right now, this writing session is for reflection.

About 6 months ago, I had a stalker. Almost immediately after/in the midst of dealing with my stalker, I got an emotionally abusive boyfriend. 4 months after that, I found out I had a pretty sever ulcer and cancer and broke up with my boyfriend. 1 month after that I got a surgery to remove my cancer, incurred a lot of debt from surgery, loans, taxes, etc., met the man of my dreams (or so he seems now) and have had approximately ZERO time to reflect and deal with all of it. SO, here it is:

The stalker (he has a name but it makes me sick to think about him so...), was a guy I dated who lived in a city, approximately one hour from my current city in Korea. We met through a language exchange app. I wanted to learn Korean and he wanted to learn English. After a few times of language exchange he asked me on a date; he seemed nice and charming so I said, yes. We dated from May to July, last year. He was a nice guy, seemingly intelligent, good goals (wanting to get further in the police force), healthy, worked out a lot, etc. HOWEVER, I cant tell you what it was exactly that made me question being with him, but my gut instinct just told me to stop dating him. We stopped dating (I cant really say broke up because we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend) and he WENT INSANE!

I am a nice person when I break up with someone: I listen to them, apologize but remain firm, explain my feelings over and over again and I am patient for a few days.... however, with him, I would tell him we are broken up and he would just laugh and not take me seriously. He showed up at my house multiple times, called my friends, spammed my inboxes on every social media. Usually men do that for a while after you break up with some hope of getting back together, however after a couple days you just ignore them and they give up and move on. NOT THIS TIME. I think it took me 2 full weeks to realize I had a full blown stalker. He would come to my house, unannounced, every day. He would leave gifts outside my door and make up fake messenger accounts to talk to me and send virtual gifts after I blocked him. My friend Matt called the police for me 4 times to complain about the stalker because I would go to him crying every time I received another message or gift.

For the first month it was more annoying than it was scary. The police were not much help, as I am an English foreigner and they are Korean police officers. It was quite hard to communicate and convince them I really had a stalker. I think it was one month into the stalking, after the 3rd phone call to the police that I became genuinely scared; terrified actually. He showed up at my house with flowers and a letter. He stayed outside for hours and would message me online saying things like, “I know you’re in there,” “The police can’t do anything to me, I know the law.” We called the police and when they arrived to speak to him in person I thought, finally this will be taken care of. I watched through the window of my friends apartment, the police talked to him for 2 hours. Finally, it was finished! WRONG. Before even getting into a taxi to take himself home, he sent me a picture of the flowers he had bought me and sent me a very long message describing all of the places he is going to take me after he buys a car, where our new house will be, what our children will be like, etc. I knew he was dangerous at that point.

Thankfully, I live in an apartment building with other people I work with so they could tell me if he came back to the apartment. For 2 weeks after the last incident with the roses, it was fairly calm. A message here and there from fake accounts but no in person sightings. I thought he was calming down, but then I received a letter at work. It was a 5 page hand written letter in English, describing every part of my body in detail and things he wanted to do me. There were some really disgusting things he said about me but the scariest one for me was when he mentioned multiple times that he can’t wait until I am pregnant so he can take care of me better. It was quite repulsive. 2 days letter I received 2 more letters in my home mail box. The contents of these letters were similar to the first.

1 week after the letter incident, I was moving into another apartment upstairs because I didn’t want him to have my address. After moving some furniture upstairs, I went downstairs to my old apartment to get another load of stuff and there he was; my stalker just standing in my old apartment. I didnt think he would ever come back after talking to the police. Apparently I was wrong. I still remember the sick feeling I got when I saw him. When he saw me standing in the doorway, he said, “Ill forgive you for calling the police.” In that moment my instincts told me to just stay calm and not make him angry by yelling or running away. To this day, I have still never seen him angry. He has such an eerie calmness about him. He started a casual conversation, asking about my day and I just said I was moving and forgot something upstairs so I had to go get it and we will talk when I get back down. He started following me upstairs and I had no idea what to do but in that moment MY FRIEND WHO LIVED UPSTAIRS CAME DOWN AND SAW HIM. THANK GOD FOR COLLIN! Already knowing about my stalker and what I was going through, my friend and him started getting into an argument. Another friend heard what was going on in the hallway and called the police. He left before he could get arrested.

In the week that followed I filed a real police report for breaking and entering as well as stalking. I had a korean translator (also my friend) at the police station so things went fairly well, minus when the detective working my case asked me out on a date (WTF!). It was finally over, or so I thought. It takes time for someone to be charged and arrested so he was free to do as he pleased until the police got around to taking care of the situation.

2 weeks after I filed the report, my frisbee team had a tournament in a city named, Pohang; maybe 2 hours away from my stalkers city. I played a few frisbee games that day and I was at the field for approximately 5 hours. I checked my phone when our tournament was over and there was a message on my instagram from a random account. The message was 3 pictures of me during the tournament, playing frisbee and a, “I will join you soon.” I was quite confused... maybe it was him? Maybe it was a joke from a fellow player? I walked off the field to find my stalker talking to the frisbee league organizer. He was trying to join frisbee!!!!!!! I was so shocked. I just blurted out, “What are you doing here?” Of course the reply was just a calm, “To join frisbee.” At this point I honestly could not handle it anymore. I was so scared!!! I cried a lot and went to find my friend Matt to fix it (he was on the same team as I was). Matt went and found my stalker and the organizer. After an aggressive conversation, I’m told, my stalker was banned from all frisbee related things. Again, I went back to the police station in Andong but nothing could be done because the other charges were still going through.

In the end Im not exactly sure what happened... I know he had to pay a fine and go to jail/do some community service. I know when they first mentioned jail time to me that he would get out in April or May... Maybe that is why I have been thinking so much about it all lately.

Being stalked by him has changed me in a lot of ways... I am scared to walk alone at night, in fear that he may be around the corner. I am scared to be in my apartment alone because I know it’s not that hard to break into someones house if you really wanted. I quit drinking when the stalking first started because I felt like it could put me at extreme risk. I just don’t go out partying anymore. There may be a time when I drink again, but it will not be in public. I found it extremely difficult to trust people before, so now it is almost impossible.

Immediately after the stalking, I met a man. I talked about him 2 posts ago. I didnt realize it at the time but I think I just needed to be with someone to make me feel safe. It is quite ironic because thinking about it now, he is the LAST person who would care about my well being. I mentioned before, he is a narcissist. Not a narcissist in the sense people use nowadays in regards to selfishness, but a real narcissist. Having already been in shock, and not even having started recovery from my stalker, I dived into this relationship and I just believed every stupid, abusive word that came out of his mouth. There was one point when I thought we would get married. (LOL!) And then, after 4 months, I realized I was in an abusive relationship and left. I covered some of the details in another post.

After the stalking and the break up, I went to the hospital to get some tests because my stomach was quite sore. Turns out I have an ulcer and had cancer. I got surgery to get the cancer removed so that’s taken care of, but being 25 and hearing you have cancer is not fun. It is quite scary. Also I felt quite alone dealing with it. Of course, I have some friends here who have offered to go with me to appointments and listen to me when Im sad - I am truly grateful and love them for it. <3 But its still tiresome, going to all of the appointments in different cities, different hospitals, spending money you dont have, translation, etc. I considered quitting my job at one point and moving back to Canada for a while to decompress but I quickly dismissed that thought because the thought of moving anywhere with cats, canceling a contract, and flying for 33 hours just didn’t seem worth it. SO! I acted like I usually do: said the bare minimum to people about my situation, pretended like I was ok, made a few cancer jokes and moved on. Not the healthiest way to go about things but what else am I supposed to do ?

You get to this weird point (currently mid-twenties for me), when you realize as everyone gets older, they tend to focus their energy on themselves. They have their own problems, so they focus their energy on their problems and don’t get too involved in your own. As they should! I have come to the realization that no one has to care or help me deal with my problems other than myself. I know for some people this is quite an obvious observation... However, I am the kind of person who will take time out of my day to sincerely talk to you about a real problem and help you find a solution. I will be with you until the very end, using any resource or energy possible to get you through it and to make you happy again. When I found out I had cancer, I was kind of angry when people didn’t show the same kindness to me that I would have/have shown them in the past. Instead it was met with a lot of, “Well ya, my uncle had cancer,” or “Ya, that sucks.” Even I remember trying to tell some people about how alone and sad I felt and the reaction was that they offered to help or that if they were in their home country they wouldn’t have their family with them so they would also be alone, etc. I was quite upset, thinking about how dismissive my friends were to me for talking about my feelings with regards to my cancer. Thinking about it now, however, I should not have been upset with people. I think everyone has a certain capacity for the “shit they can deal with;” few people, like me, can deal with a lot of problems (my own and other people’s) and still be sane (well kind of LOL) and other people deal with just a regular amount of problems. Upon reflecting, I am happy to have friends I can at least share my problems with. I can’t expect anyone to be sincere every time because, let’s be real, I HAVE A LOT OF “SHIT” XD. Maybe at that moment in time, the dismissive reaction was due to them dealing with their own problems and using their energy in a healthy way. It is a good thing. I can learn from them. One of my major problems is always using my energy on everyone and everything, except for myself. The more I grow and the more problems I have, the more I learn that I really need to help myself heal first before I help everyone else. Much easier said then done!!!

AHHHH. That was such a great therapy session. Im going to take a shower, cry, do a face mask and sleep for 10 hours. The last 5 years I have quite extensively focused on my past and have done MANY therapy sessions in order to heal my mind. All of a sudden, right now, I feel like it is time to close that chapter and focus on the present and future. I just FEEL like I have completed something. Tomorrow is going to be a great day! <3

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