#writing or making art. and i never would've found the same joys. but oh fuck i wish it didn't hurt so much

[thatsalotofdragons]

need to kms and laugh while i do it

#FUCK i hate grief. i don't know man #talkin tag #HE WAS SO GOOD!!!! HE WAS SO GOOD AND I WISH HE WAS STILL HERE!!!! AND I HOPE THE GRIEF NEVER LEAVES MY HEART #I HOPE I GRIEVE EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THE STARS. I HOPE I GRIEVE AT SUNRISE. AND SUNSET. AND MIDDAY AND MIDNIGHT #I HOPE THE GRIEF SITS AND SITS AND STAYS. I HOPE THE LOVE IS NOT WASTED #fuck. FUCK #everything is terrible and i hate all my friends and i wish i was gone and i wish none of this happened #but everything is not terrible because the sun shone today. and i don't hate my friends but i wish they hated me. #and i don't wish i was gone because i have so much love to give. and i have hopes and dreams and i have a younger self that was so lonely #and i need to help her. and i need to show her that she was wrong for hating life. and i need to show her that she can be loved deeply #and i don't wish none of this happened. because then i never would've met my best friend or my boyfriend. and i never would've started #writing or making art. and i never would've found the same joys. but oh fuck i wish it didn't hurt so much #i run from the grief and it doesn't chase me but sometimes i turn the wrong corner and i am overwhelmed by its intensity #he was so good. he was so good. he was the best. he had so so SO much joy. i wish #... #i wish. i wish #... i wish he had more time. i wish i had more time. i wish i had more agency more strength more more more #everything. i wish i was more. and then i could stop it. and i could stop my best friend hurting. and i could make sure everyone loved me #and i could pass all my exams. and save myself. and save my friends. and save my people. and save the world #but i am only a child. and i can't do any of those things #and i suppose that means my grief comes from a feeling of helplessness. and that will never go away #sigh.