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#yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc
opens-up-4-nobody
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8 months
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#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel
#the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule
#and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office
#classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.
#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a
#mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively
#i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when
#i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an
#office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then
#when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low
#energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its
#like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that
#i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my
#lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to
#convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture
#of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.
#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like
#they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha
#yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc
#i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself
#from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode
#and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at
#like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop
#so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd
#also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry
#bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting
#hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that
#the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun
#unrelated
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