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ash-mars207 · 2 years

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~~MONKEYS TESTIES~~

((18+ smut))

jschlatts monkey balls statue x male reader. yeah. this was written as a joke but i spent way to much time on it so..

(dont show this to schlatt)

If you have any ideas to add or spelling corrections please comments. I genuinely can not spell for the life of me.

warnings: contains smut, gun play, cussing, mlmonkey, it’s literally monkey statue x reader. the title itself if a warning.

i did refere to jschlatt as ‘Jay’ because nicknames n shit. (it’s annoying to type out jschlatt everytime.) so if someone knows hes uncomfortable with it please tell me and ill fix it.

some backround: you and schlatt have been friends since before lunch club. like fresh out of highschool friends. you both went to college and when he was getting good money from twitch you tried it out. starting as his editor (you still do some of the editing). you both hit it off and both dropped out to make videos. so your a guest on OTKs new video with schlatt when he finally shows monkey.

Word count: 3238

((I had to turn on my auto caps for this. At least pretend to like it.))

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Y/NS POV:

He was serious.. Schlatt was genuinely serious. When he told me he was gonna buy the monkey statue i thought he was kidding. I should have known. It is Schlatt after all.

“Hes a beaut aint he.”

“Schlatt what the hell. Your in debt and this is what you buy??”

“Eh. If harvard really wanted my money they would have sued me by now.”

“Thats not a good thing-“

“Anyways! We have a video to record so say your goodbyes to dick dong.”

“You fucking named it??”

As Schlatt walks out and to the office you take one last look at the ape. He looks like hes looking at you. And for some weird reason your just attracted to those big carved bronze eyes.

“Uh.. Bye monkey..”

The video was going pretty good. We had a bunch of fun little bits. Schlatt kept bringing up the damn monkey. The fucking monkey and his big golden balls. I wonder how nice it would feel to sit on them- YN WTF. NO. ITS A STATUE.

“Y/N!!!”

“Huh? What. What did i miss.”

“You good kid? You spaced out there. Should probably stop drinking the fireball.”

Of course i take another shot because fuck him (jokingly (we stan j man here)) and i can not let myself think these thoughts sober.

“Yeah yeah im fine.” Im not. “Just spacin out. Im good. What were we talking about?”

“Dick dong-“

“NOT THE FUCKING MONKEY- SCHLATT DONT- SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN- and hes gone.”

As im waiting for him to come back from god knows where i scroll on my phone while talking to camera man, whos name i forgot but feel to bad to ask, about what ever. And of course we both stop as we hear wheels rolling towards the room- he has the monkey..

“GUYS I GOT KING DICK DONG.”

Please let this video be over soon.

*small time skip*

For the rest of the video we talk about other things, keep coming back to the monkey, the gun gets into the bit, we wrestle or some shit idk. The camera man name is apparently Jermey had to go out and fix one of the cameras battery or something. But every once in a while i keep looking at that damned monkey.. I mean look at it. Its nice craft mens ship (i cant spell). As an artist myself, its nice. The bronze is so detailed and the gold is so. So shiny. Its nice to look at. Does Schlatt polish them? I would. They look soft.

“Y/n. Dude you sure your alright?”

“OH! Yeah im fine. Just a bit out of it. Ill be fine.”

“Hm.. Im gonna go get you some meds alright? Just stay here.”

Great. What i need right now is to be left alone in an office that i dont know.. whatever.

As im playing on my phone i hear metal moving around. And.. is that pink smoke??? What the hell did jschlatt put in that liquor.

“I see you looking at me. I know you want me yn.”

As i turn to look at where the voice is coming from schlatt walks in with the meds.

“This should hold you over for a while. God you got even whiter/paler while i was out. What did the pope come to life or something??”

“Uh.. no. No im good. Just a headache.” I have to force myself to look at schlatt and to stop looking around. What the hells gotten into me.

“Then lets get this shit over with.”

While recording the rest of the video i cant help but feel a pair of eyes on me the whole time. I try to ignore it while we finish the video. Once we finished we just chilled for a bit and talked about new video ideas and when we should hang out, with out the cameras. You know. Bro shit.

“Well i gotta get back to Jambo. Probably eatting more fucking magnets. Little shits gonna run me broke.” As schlatt stands up and walks towards the door he stops and turns to look at me. “You comin with?”

“In a bit. Im gonna start working on editing. I’ll meat you back at the house for dinner.”

“Alright. Don’t stay to long.”

As he walks out i turn to work on the computer. Putting my earbuds in i keep one out just in case. After about an hour or two i hear some type if metal being thrown around behind me an.. whos there.

THIRD PERSON POV:

While y/n was focusing on the computer, music blasting threw his earbuds, something was almost transforming behind him. He didnt notice it until he heard a bang coming from behind him. Being startled, he takes his earbuds out and turn to see a shadow of a freakishly large man in a cloud of pink smoke.

“Whos there!”

Y/n screams while jumping up for his own gun schlatt made him get for the bits. Aiming for the huge shadow.

“I see the way you look at me y/n. Thinking those dirty thought.”

The man speaks in a deep rock n roll voice. ‘Theres no way thats Jay. His voice isnt that deep.. Nor is he that. Big. Is this thing even human??’ Y/n asks himself while squinting to see the black figure.

“Who the fuck are you.”

“Wow. You really dont recognize me? You would thing you would know me after the hours of looking at me.”

‘What in the hell.’ As y/n cocks the gun the mysterious man leaps over the couch like nothing. Pushing the hand with the gun up, setting off a bullet in the process. Leaning in and kissing y/n.

Slowly yn loosens there grip on the gun while Dicky slides his hand up his wrist to take the gun out of the humans hand.

The shorter male pulls away to look at the taller male. (And i mean tall. Mans like 7 something. Your up to his chest and your like 6’3 cause i said so)

“Who.. who are you.”

While trying to connect the dots he spots the empty table that Schlatt rolled Dicky in on. Glancing down he sees that the balls do in fact glow a nice golden color. Dicky slowly smirking while watching yn connect the dots. Laughing a bit watching as the small man infront of him looks back up with his eyes widened.

“Dicky. How did you-“

“Dont worry about it. Just live those nasty fantasies of yours.”

Without skipping a second yn does what hes told and smashing his lips woth Dickys. Of course yn thought about how fucked this is. I mean its a monkey statue but. Human? Ish. He still has his tail and ears but damn.

As yns hands travel to lay on his soft, hairy chest Dickys hand grip his small hips tightly, leaving the other with the gun resting on his hip bone, making yn moan. Dicky takes this opportunity to shove his tongue into yns mouth. Exploring every single bit.

The bigger male pulled away letting them both breath, rubbing yns hips with his thumb.

“Fuck- you taste so fucking good darling.”

As Dicky murmured into yns ear, he starts kissing down his neck onto his collarbone. Yn started unraveling at the feeling, moving his hands up into Dickys hair. Slightly pulling every time he hit a sweet spot. Yn whimpers as the brunette pulled away to look into yns e/c eyes. “So beautiful.”

The beast reaches his hand to place on yns gentel skin. Yn leaning into the touch. Knowing how wrong this must be, yn cant help but feel so. Safe.

*click* “Now get on your knees for me darling.”

“What?”

Yn can feel the tip of the guns barrel press against his temple. And even though he should feel frightened, he still feels just as safe as he did before.

“Yes sir~”

Yn slowly gets on his knees while sliding his hands down Dicky causing him to grunt. Once yn is on his knees he looks up into the eyes of a lust struck mad man. Knowing what he needs to do next he waits for Dicky to demand it.

“Cmon sweetheart. You know what to do.”

“Do I?” Yn asks, trying to get his monkey lover riled up.

He grabs yns hair, pushing the gun into his temple even more. “Don't play with me brat.”

Yn knew he was in for it now. Slowly opening his mouth, he cups his hand on Dickys smooth glowing gold balls. Starting to message them while licking his tip. Dicky, with little to no patience, pushes his huge dick into yns mouth with a moan. Holding him there just for a moment before he lets go and let's yn take over. Almost.

Dicky still has the gun placed by his side facing the h/c man at his waist. Other hand sat on top of his head in case yn needed any more assistance. Slightly trusting into yns deep throat every now and then.

“God that feels perfect.”

Throwing his head back Dicky let out a moan. Yn started playing with his balls once again, speeding up. Before he could send Dicky over the edge, Dicky gripped his h/c pulling him off with a soft pop.

“Stand.” He demands. Yn listened of course.

Dicky starts kissing him once more with much more pasion while moving them over to the couch. Ripping off yns shirt, pushing him onto the couch only breaking contact for a moment. He reaches down to undo yns belt, button, and zipper. Palming him with only the cloth of his boxers in the way. “Ff- oh shit-“ yn became a moaning mess, Dicky moving to his chest/neck area. Playing with yns nipples, he rips off his pants leaving him in just his boxers. Looking back up to yn for consent to continue, yn nods, feeling his dick only get harder by the second.

“Shit- what if someone comes in-“

Before yn can voice his worries Dicky genuinely shoves the guns barrel into his mouth to keep him quiet.

“Then I guess you'll just have to be quiet.”

Dicky slowly inserting his finger into yn to prepare him, making let out small muffled moans. Seeing how easy the first finger slipped in, he added the second rather quickly.

Yn was falling apart underneath the bigger man. Nothing but clouds filled his mind untill he felt Dickys fingers being removed from him core, whining as he now felt empty.

“Quiet. Don't want anyone to hear you now do we.”

Yn nods as Dicky pounds his dick into yns entrance causing yn to let out a scream. Holding in that position to let yn adjust, he starts leaving little kisses over his neck. Removing the gun from yns mouth just to replace it with his lips. They stay there passionately kissing one another until Dicky starts moving his hips ever so slightly.

“Mmh.” Yn moans into the kiss throwing his arms around the bronze colored man, slightly digging his nails into his shoulders.

“Faster. Please.” He whispers into the kiss. Dicky pulls away to look into his e/c eyes.

“Wanna say that again darlin?”

“please dicky. Please just fuck me.”

As if on cue, Dicky starts slamming into his smaller lover. Yn starts almost screaming, clawing down Dickys large back, holding back screams as much as he can.

“FUCK RIGHT THERE!”

He howls right when Dicky finds his prostate. Abusing it to its fullest.

“Im- m close.” Yn manages to get out between moans. He lets go of Dicky with one arm to cover his mouth in an attempt to muffle his orgasm. Dicky, who already placed the gun to the side, grabs yns thin/thick wrists and holds them both above his head.

“I wanna hear those beautiful sounds baby.”

After a few more thrusts yn lets loose and cums over both his and Dickys chiseled stomach. Dicky continues chasing his own orgasm. Releasing inside of yn.

They both sit there catching there breaths before Dicky pulls away to look at his work,

“What a work of art.”

Yn chuckles, “Says you.”

As yn starts to get up to clean up the monkey man grabs his hips, placing him on his lap.

“Where not done here beautiful.”

“Dicky, I need to get home. Schlatts gonna start to worry.”

“He can wait. He's had you all day. It's my turn to play with you.” Dicky nibbles on yns neck once more. Yn places his hands on Dickys broad shoulders. Leaning his head back, letting out a soft moan. “One more round. Then I gotta go.” He kisses Dickys temple.

“That's my boy~”

Dicky grabs at yns hips and slowly lines his entrance to his tip. Kissing his neck.

“Mh- no. No its my turn to control.” “Is that so?” Dicky, calling his bluff, pushes into him even more to shut him up. “You fUck-“

Yn grabs the hairy man's hair, tugging at it. Causing Dicky to scream out of pure shock. Dicky picks the gun back up, pointing it at yns temple.

“Wanna try that shit again?” He growls out, trying to gain his dominance back.

“I fuckin dare you.” Yn states, gripping tighter to his curly locks. He starts lifting himself off Dickys dick just to slam back down. Slowly thrusting and grinding on his dick.

“God that feels so good-“ Dicky whines out gripping the guns handle and yns thigh for support. Yn wraps his free arm around the beasts shoulder, hiding his face into the crook of his neck. With his other hand he slides it up into Dickys hair even more. Tugging everytime he hit the perfect spot. Dicky, chasing an orgams, starts bucking into yn abusing his prostate.

“Damn it- fuck right there~” yn lets out quite moans into Dickys ear driving him other the edge.

“Just like that baby~ dont change a thing. Fuck im close~” Dicky announces. Yn only being able to let out moans and soft screams. His head full of lust and maybe even love.

Dicky once again throws the gun to the side. Tosing his arms around yn holding him close, almost bruising his ribs. His thrusting picks up. Yn lets go off the bigger males hair and thrown his other arm around his neck, digging his nails into his shoulders. With just a few more aggressive thrusts they both release almost at the same time.

Dicky softens his hold on yn to let his ride out his high. Slowly coming to a stop with. They both look into eachothers eyes. Sharing a quick but pasonint kiss. Yn melts into his chest, both hands sliding down to his cum covers abdomen.

“You doin alright there darlin?” Dicky plays with yns hair while rubbing his back. Kissing his forehead.

“M alright.. just need a moment.”

And so they sat there for a few minutes before yns phone started to ring. “Fuckin-.”

Reaching over to answer the call “hello?”

“Yn buddy! Where you at? Its been like three hours man.”

“Shit. Sorry. Ive been workin on the video.” Yn look to Dicky with a small smile while the other male has a huge grin on his face.

“Damnz better be a good bideo then. You need to get home though. Its late and youve got that recording with swagger and them in the morning.”

“Oh yeah i forgot about that one. Yeah im on my way.”

“Oh and jambo ate your papers.”

“WHAT?!”

“BYE-“ He hangs up before he can even finish his own sentence. “What was that about?” Dicky asks lookin down at a pissed yn.

“Schlatt. His dumbass cat ate my work.”

“Damn. You gonna be alright??” Dicky looking worried.

“Yeah? It's just a paper or two. If anything the cats in more trouble then I am. It's not anything important anyway . I keep those away. I do have to get home though.”

“Do you have to??”

Dicky holds yn toghter to keep him from leaving.

“Dicky. If i stay hes gonna start askin questions. And hes annoying when he does so ive gotta go. Ill be back soon dont worry.” Yn kisses Dicky before he gets off and cleans off with the jacket he brought. Getting dresses in his pants and shirt, makin his way to the door.

“Ill see you tomorrow Dicky,” blowing a kiss twoards the ape man. Waving goodbye and closing the door behind him.

Dicky sighs slowly getting off the couch to go clean up. He fixes the room back up and walks to his place of the moving cart schlatt brought him in on. Taking a glance at the pope cutoutin the corner he turned to face away from the couch earlier that day.

“Don't look at me like that.”

WITH YN:

What.. what did.. am i high? No.

Monkey man was real. That was real. I know it was. My ass still fuckin hirts from it. But how in the hell did that- i mean he was a human.! What the hell was in that wiskey..

As I walk in to the door of me and jschlatts shared house seeing jschlatt on the groups playing with jambo.

“So.. how's your head?”

“Haven't gotten any complaints yet.”

“..what.”

“Uh. Good. I'm good. Just gonna relax.”

“Alright whore. I made food so that's in the fridge when you want it.” Bullshit.

“..what did you order?”

“. Chinese..”

I walk to the fridge opening the door to see the food still in the bag. Definitely homemade. Placing it in the microwave, I head over to flop on the couch. Jschlatt crawling onto the couch next to me, Jambo following right behind.

“Wanna watch a movie??” Jschlatt asks while grabin the remote and looking through netflix.

“Do I have a choice?”

“Nah.” Hearin the microwave i go grab it and sit back down. Jschlatts got some action movie on. Hitting his hand away when he tries to grab at my food.

“Fuck off. You already had your dinner.”

“Rude ass bitch.”

As he goes to grab a snack I can't help but to think back to Dicky and what we did. What the fuck am i going to do.

I wanna sincerely apologize- if you’ve read this far then uh.. theres a book two in process. And im sorry for your mental health. And just because i thought yall should know, i wrote moth of this in class so your welcome.

#jschlatt #schlatt #monkey ball #dsmp #funny stuff #king kong #for the bit #sleep deprived #jokes #its a joke #gay mlm #mlm post #gay men #minecraft #twitch #youtube #gun play #furry pecs #lgbt pride

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warmau · 4 years

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svt ranked on grimmest most public places theyd makeout with you @ based on the one i did for monsta x and also i love torturing carats hiii <3

13) seungkwan he has class coming out of his pores there is no way on this green earth that you two are engaging in anything past pleasant conversations and jane austen-esque finger brushing in public ........ things of intimacy and romance are meant for the confides of ones home!!!! where it can be rose and honey scented and you can both put on an episode of the bachelor at the lowest possible volume in the background

12) dino just thinks its weird if u ask him to makeout with you anywhere but on his couch when no one else is home like um why would u want strangers to see us do that thats weird like the kid is normal dont scar him with a proposal as such ........ even if u were like gonna lean in to kiss him in the back of the car he’d be like no, jeonghan is in the passenger seat and he wont let me live it down if we do that

11) mingyu is surprisingly shy for as big as he is and how much space he can take up hes like id rather not disturb the nice people eating their applebees by indulging in mouth to mouth ...... and ur like baby please never call it that again. idk he just seems like hed be very timid about the whole thing and hed be like what if we get arrested like thats not going to happen but hes like what if. likes holding hands all the time though.

10) vernon says he could never disrespect you by making out with you in a place thats not like a park at midnight or under the fleece blanket he got as a christmas present from cheol.....ur like what? and hes like i just think its not cool to get all up on u in public like that and ur like but im cool with it and hes like but are u basically hes just too embarrassed to say “i know people think im quirky but i like keeping our kissing between us”. that one time he posted yall kissing in some museum was simply for the gram clout.

9) joshua is sometimes beckoned by the idea of a little risky handsy kisses at the movie theater,,,,,,maybe a little bit of your teeth in his neck on the bus ride home.........but never anything dramatic, like he isnt about to grab your waist in public and go to town when there are children across the street like cmon ... though i think when u get all touchy with him before you two are going to go avengers 3 billion or whatever hes not opposed

8) woozi has general apathy toward where you two do it, and this isnt just about pda this is literally about anything ever. you two could have a heartfelt conversation about your futures on a roller coaster and that mf would be like ok i want to marry you mid loop-de-loop hes insane. so if u wanna kiss up on his neck at the home depot while u r forcing him to pick out plants for his studio then so be it!!!!!!!!!!!!

7) jeonghan the first month of the relationship acts like hes never thought about anything but kissing you with his eyes closed, hugging with enough space left for the holy spirit, and most definitely tongue is off limits. hedonistic, if you ask him. which is a blatant lie because once the mark is up and jeonghan feels comfortable with you its like ,,,,,,,,, let me groan your name into your mouth in the middle of freezer aisle of this whole foods but i didnt mean it but im too in love with you to care

6) wonwoo would makeout with you at a gamestop dude hed make out with you in the best buy video games discount aisle lmfao half probably to flex on sad gamers and half because wonwoo is the type that would consider it a date for you to come and pick out shit for his computer setup. youll be like ok we can kiss while we’re waiting to buy you animal crossing for the switch but we cant kiss in the panera bread? and wonwoo is like baby please there is a family enjoying their grilled cheese in the booth across from us. oh my god wonwoo be like hey babe come here and kiss me and ur like ok and ur like wait are u streaming and hes like yeah say hi to my twitch subscribersjfdkhgjd

5) seungcheol knows when and where to act up and sometimes the where is like ........... the baskin robbins ur in at 3 am after leaving some shitty house party. the employee behind the counter is like “how many sco- ok ill wait” he does draw the line at serious shit like office buildings and churches and friendly dinners because like listen jared at the baskin robbins isnt gonna say shit but hes like let me not get my hands up ur shirt at ur cousins barbeque

4) seokmin is filled to the brim with love so its hard to stop him from kissing you regardless of where you are. anything is game. if you as much as enter in 5ft of him hes like hahahaha kissing time!!!!! the thing about him though is that he does have types of kisses that are ok like you guys can highschool kiss at some restaurant or date spot and then you can go all out, legs around his waist, hands on your ass kiss in the elevator to his place - and if someone comes in you both are like “wait for the next one”

3) minghao would be number one, but he has some off limits spots due to his need to keep up appearances like even though after youre done kissing him you look a hurricane hit you hes like wait lemme clean up and comes out looking like he just stepped out of the house fresh - thats why he doesnt care where, but it has to have a bathroom nearby so he can make sure he looks good. you know its true love when he starts fixing your hair and clothes too.

2) hoshi will pretend to be coy and tease about it for like two minutes at most and then he’s like fuck it do whatever you want to me in the middle of this public swimming pool bro he’s so nuts he’d be like pushing your hands off his chest for the first half of the movie and then the next half the ushers are having to ask you two to please kindly LEAVE the theater. hoshi “no we cant kiss waiting for our fries” to “lets see how long we can make out in the ballpit” .....hes only number two because he plays like he wont do it but he will

1) junhui will makeout with you at your best friends wedding. junhui will makeout with you in the middle of traffic. junhui will bite up your neck in the presence of your boss, guaranteed it doesnt get you fired. junhui will start taking layers of clothes off at a starbucks and then probably get chased up the street for public indecency if thats what you want from him. he never says no because he never wants to miss out on a chance to makeout ......... he’s insane he’d be like bleeding from his nose after getting hit by a car or something and ur like lemme call the emts and hes like what if you makeout with me instead nose is broken anyway ......... ugh we have no choice but to stan

#minghao like a goldfish cracker the snack that smiles back! goldfish!

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traineecryptid · 3 years

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fic tropes tier list

as tagged by @xcziel here

i don't go by tropes much when im writing other than to say...like knock out a few ala bingo cards for my own enjoyment of having like 10 common fic tropes but what if they were in SPACE (not that ive done it, i just thought about it extensively)

as for when i am reading...same? (tho i also dont go by writer like x does) the reason for "ohh shiny" activation varies so much.

(also these tags? #kinda want a writer challenge where they have to take a person's 'nope' tropes and write them something #that they will actually somehow like using knowledge of their most loved tropes - talk about tough audience INTRIGUING like a very dangerous game of office secret santa)

(uh tagging...idk i think the people i know are all ald tagged. but feel free to participate how ever much (or less) you like!)

anyways lets begin!

ranks within ranks: most loved to least loved, reading from left to right and top to bottom.

S tier: Shoes off, I'm dancing barefoot cuz that's how much I am enjoying this

1. Magic AU: the range on this is insane. can't love it anymore. also i love the imagery of people charged up like a lightbulb, hair floating up as they go into like god-mode.

2. Gen fic: underappreciated. looks bland but it is like rice. goes with anything. i love to explore things from angles that do not center on a character and their relationships with things. also im very much team small caring gestures>big romance. LOVE IS FOUND EVERYWHERE AND I USUALLY WALK AWAY LOVING LIFE A LITTLE MORE

3. A/B/O: gender fucks. end of story. i did a bit of unconventional a/b/o exploration a while ago and i still have quite a bit of the prompt lists to go and id love to get back on it.

A tier: Always down to boogie, classic go to-s

4. PWP: the range on this is also very good. also usually not very long. just a perfect length for me to chug a drink to.

5. Dark fic: this is a recent (re)discovery. apparently i like it when things go beyond normal levels of leveling. bring on the violations of morals, the tough decisions and off the charts reasoning. would rank higher but loses points for making me have Emotions sometimes.

6. Established relationship: it could go wrong...or it could get even better! this is also a recent discovery and i will credit it to "growing up". there is just inherent comfort in exploring what comes next after the happily-ever-getting together.

7. First kiss: emotionally charged. its nice. sometimes its about the nervous giggles, sometimes its about the relieved sigh. nice all around.

8. Canon divergence: canon hurted you? just say no thank you and reframe it. this may cause /more/ hurt. ye be warned.

9. Cross-over: re: range and potential; there are a few that are always le classique for me- pacific rim, his dark materials, sense8,detroit: become human, heaven official's blessing/tgcf. im sure there are more but i wont go into details, tho i will note that i prefer the more AU side of things over the fusion side of things.

10. Drunken confession: it is about the plausible deniability and perhaps the morning after regret (not necessarily needed)

11. Amnesia fic: it funny. i say, only because if i think too hard about the consequences of that, it hits a bit too close to home. will cry if this explores Emotions.

B tier: Boogie! Together!

12. Humor: love it, but best enjoyed when other people also find it funny. which is a think i worry about a lot. what if they don't find it funny!

13. Crack fic: i am a big fan of "crack taken seriously" because nothing is funnier than treating a Very Weird Situation earnestly. only ranked lower than humor because i am even more afraid of someone going "i don't get it" on these.

14. Pregnancy fic: i surprised myself putting this so high when i cant even think of a reason for it other than, it is a terrifying look into a person's most OP ability: creating life (cloning and other experimentation aside)

15. Sharing a bed: comfort. but also discomfort. limited range but i think the trope can and should be stretched a bit. also there is something about being in the dark, in bed with another person that is just.../different/ no matter the person or the circumstances. its a Quiet Moment.

16. Major character death: dramatics. also surprised this is so high up. A terrifying look into inevitable mortality. (and perhaps the subsequent consequences of immortality?)

17. Coffee shop AU: /shrugs/ its sweet. fuels my hot barista daydreams.

18. Bang or die: dramatics 2.0. with less Sad Emotions. (depending on the situation) and idk it creates strong bond and teasing material.

C tier: Can I have a slower boogie, please?

19. Sex pollen: good classic but few points off for not sparking any points for potential expansion of the trope. ranked lower than bang or die for lacking the die part. where is the risk!! the fear!! (tho they can always be combined O.O)

20. Missing scenes: this is for when canon leaves you hanging. reminds me of colouring books. its nice for having a more set framework to work within. loses points because I am an au fiend. and also i dont watch/read things closely enough to notice missing scenes.

21. Body swap: good classic but same as sex pollen, the lack of potential expansion gets to me.

22. Fluff: hot chocolate can only do so much until i go this is just chocolate water. or even worse, makes me want real chocolate especially when the stores are closed. /metaphor

23. Love triangle: live for the conflict and potential obliviousness shenanigans and also "i am better for them!" vs "I'm not good enough for them" rivalry. but the simple solution is to just share. points off for not sharing. i dont vibe with that.

24. Baby fic: cute but ive had enough of babies irl.

D tier: Don't think I can boogie anymore, so I will vibe at the sideline.

this part of the list isn't even ranked anymore because i just dont feel that strongly towards any of them, I will just separate them into groups of why so low!

uninterested: fairytale au, historical au, slow burn (/pours kerosene/ go faster pls), time loop

lack of potential: fake relationship, arranged marriage, huddle for warmth, royalty au, soulmate au, unhappy ending (ways leading to unhappiness are many, but they are always paved with guilt, regret and trying to get over /it/)

cannot relate: angst, hurt comfort, unrequited love

ive had enough of school: college au, high school au,

whats wrong with being friends?: enemies to lovers, friends to lovers

special little bois: fix-it fic (only if fixing it makes it worse), miscommunication (only if it causes problems, and they /fix/ that), mutual pining (only if there is an interesting reason for not saying anything other than "i am afraid it will be unrequited"),

#tier list #fanfic tier list #fanfic #cw long post

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mifhortunach · 5 years

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@thaliatimsh - im so sorry!!!! a vague ‘riffing off of (tm)’ what i was saying? (trying to say) last night - but Mostly// word splurge everywhere :/ - unsure if theres either a/t Clear or!! tbfh a/t of worth here, but yk :T :S !

thaliatimsh said: I thiNK you are RIGHT re: distance n i wonder. … why. Considering distance in gibson bein murdererererd scene… tins of mystery… (like a week previous MAX). I wonder. Why. Im not very good at bein clear anyway im. Fffff.

=> fgksdhfg, idk if youve had the same thought w this as i have, or mabs,, its lead to/from the same thought but like. Hickey’s plan was always probs gonna end/hinge a lil on cannibalism? [‘Lads Gotta Eat! People Made O’ Meat!’; Hickey’s Personal Sledge Hauling Song, 1847.] Ofc they all already know tht the cans are making them Weak & WEird™ .

so im Not getting confused!!! Just #FAx: at some point theyre gonna run out of food With Them, so Options~: 1) take tins proffered by crozier, 2) somehow they manage to find game! 3) boys were made for eating

So assuming tht no ones gonna keel over anytime soon, theyre deffo gonna have to kill /Someone/

Once gibson ‘runs out’ [[ :(( ]], they gotta go back to tins, or they gotta get another Body p much. ppl who CAnt be ate!: Hickey (ofc), Diggle (For Now/, until Armitage gets his HACCP qualifications), Goodsir (butchers are hard to train up, lads might get queezy chopping up their M8s)

Gkdsfhgk, distance as a food preparation method, a book by cornelius (EC) hickey !! - is what im TRYINBG to get to as my point !!! jfc, idek

but idk if thats rly necessarily a v strong (or tbf, Accurate) Take yk? i gotta think it over, & leave this pot boiling someplace else temporarily or smth

=====================

[[i think,, what i meant w/ Deliberateness, as much as i like. ½ tried to articulate it there last night (& now having read over a lil of tht, have v little clue WHat Exactly i was trying to be saying there tbfh), is that Of Fckn Course// hickey is deliberately setting him Apart “DELIBERATE isolation of hodgson during that scene (plate, cutlery, separate space, different /meat/)” like u said!! But i think up Til tht point, its one of those weird cases where its not being Enforced~ as such? [tht might just be my own reading tho? Which are.. while Not ~Notoriously Off-Base? But often taking the ‘’wrong part’’ of a thing as the important element, or just straight up Confused, rip lmao]

Like /Like/. The Hodgester™ has just turned up into a place already filled w dudes who are all a lil asshole-ish & starving! - & enough of them are running from a hierarchy issue, rather than a deep abiding love for EC, i suppose? Uhm - && they all wanna Be There (for want of a better descrip/). So, i was ½ at it thinking(?) abt if it was mayhaps (originally) one of those things where u accidentally(?) isolate yrself from the rest of the group bc u dont wanna bother/intrude/dont feel welcome [The Sk00l Feelingz] & thru that slight gap you end up falling thru the cracks as twere & /Actually/ becoming Set Apart.

&& like. Idk, on #mutineers side; hes just turned up! Hes Hierarchy!! & yk still,,, Officers/Men Divide~ the line drawn in the 6ft X 4ft ice-cave separating the messdeck & the wardroom ! which despite no longer /Rly/ being in place now, or honestly nearly as much as gone post-walkOut, has gotta be subconsciously embedded ? dunno [tbfh, im word vomiting rly Badly// now - i think u were & Are!! Right abt it, & yr fic Felt Right// abt it!! Which means it may as well be True & Canon & Real, etc: Often Always thinking abt the different ways of saying lieutenant, oof :( ] ]]

maybe what i mean is like; I'm Not Sure! (personally :S ) if it started out Accidentally, Deliberate Banal, or Deliberate Malicious, yk??

&& Whether its been a gradual progression, or happened much more Starkly when they decided to captainnap crozier, or spatchcock chicken gibson & other stuff? dunno

((i gotta [REally Gotta//] rewatch the last couple of eps, so i get the planning/timing etc right in my head? bc idr if the plan to marry tuunbaq was ‘hatched’ pre or post captainnapping, or if they were related At All -> do feel like the hermitage i mentioned going on has gotta be extended just so tht i can think things into #clarity, as well as actually watch the show again before making up shit, lmao))

--- thinking abt:

possibly hodgester’s confession & inability to kill hickey in contrast w fitzy’s confession & offering up of his body? but idk what that IS or MEANS, or if its even THERE [yr talk of him as,, ‘the average mans james fitzjames’ is,, im Lov,, Truly Banger & Deeply Upsetting :( ]

smth poss to be said abt how Much// of what george says/dialogue is abt food & his big monologue is abt cannibalism & transubstantiation yk? Idk [hodgester, location: North Artic Circle, likes: etymology, religious guilt, languages, musical instruments, food & learning abt how its prepared :(( ] other than, yk, Mood, Big Same There Lads

===

To Conclude, yr 100000% right, Magnus Manson Good Boy, Packed The Plates & Forks

#ppp #lb #long post /#thaliatimsh #* i think what I'm meaning w the isolation as meat prep - bc idk if thats clear to /ANYONE/ but me - is tht w/o gibson's oh so generous deat #*death - they'd've had to get someone to eat sooner rather than later? & it DOes// :( make sense to start w someone who isn't close w #*close w the rest of the gang #but ofc!! thats Speculation!! and Depressing Speculation @ that!! - obvs would eaten the dead 1st idfk #i v v v much hope this is okay? dunno - both in terms of Action & Content erhm #i dont wanna accidentally come across s dickhole megee yk #id have left until i was Surer (TM) but it just wouldntve happened yk? idk #. im gonna.. go back to this mabs once I'm clearer & cleaner abt what I'm taking fromit & post Actually Rewatching The EPs omg #[showing my hand Terribly// here im SO! Unsure as to how to read a lot of either george/later eps/scenes]#[idk how much attention i was rly Paying @ the time for one thing & bc idk. having a lil pre-knowledge of parts kinda changed the viewing ]#*[the viewing sitch - so like. I'm STILL! not 1000% certain on what I'm meant to take from the confession scene yk? its abolsutely ]#[WOEFUL! but idk what i meant to read/take from tht other that I'm now Weeping & Rending my hair + garments yk]#[[couldnt articulate thouhghts wrt mutineers & etc beyond: god!! teh marines had a shit time of it which ill totes admit might need to do ]]#[[better]]#terror meta #bc its good to keep things in the same place & One DAy~ ill vom smth REadable

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kataracy · 5 years

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My job just does not care that rent is like 400+ huh cool cool im about to go awf under this read more if yall dont mind

FREGIURGTTKJLKKSAKDSFKAFSLJL GOD FUCKING FUCK?WHAT IS THE DEAL FFFFFFF ok story time:

So I work at corner bakery cafe its a weird fusion fast casual place where i make $9/hr, less than what i’ve made from my last jobs but incredibly close to where i live like deadass across the street. So I have a manager that I steadily don’t get along with, he’s a blowhard. He picks a person to be mad at for the day, he hovers, he treats the girls there like his personal punching bags and I noticed all of that and started to dislike him to the point where I just couldn’t work with him.

I would go in on days where he would close, because i work the night shift (my job favors the day shift btw. They only care about having people work in the day shift the dont give a fuck about night crew is ridiculous how much the dont clean up after their shifts and we have to pick up behind these grown ass women) and i would noticeably make little o no effort to converse with him, I just went in, did my job and went home.

He would write me up for not saying hi to him. He would constantly start telling the GM I was being insubordinate when i was literally doing everything good at my job except talking to his sensitive ass. So I complained to the GM. I begged him to not put me on any more shifts with this manager because i was Tired of getting written u for nothing and I was tired of not having fun at my job. I was getting anxiety attacks while working with this dude it was so bad because again, he HOVERS. HE STANDS IN THE FRONT WHEN THERE IS OTHER STUFF TO DO AND JUST FUCKING HOVERS LIKE CAN YOU GO FIND SOMETHING TO DO and my GM said ok its fine we know (BECAUSE THE DONT LIKE HIM EITHER WE LITERALLY WOULD TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH WE DID NOT LIKE THIS DUDE OK NONE OF THE MANAGERS LIKE HIM) we will try not to put you on the same shift, we’ll let Z (the scheduling manager) know and if u do have to be scheduled with him make sure you find a cover and we’ll tell him to leave you alone because we know you know how to do your job.

So. That was a fucking lie.

They keep scheduling him with me. I tell another manager I don’t like him and why and he says I get it I’ll let B (GM) know.

So I keep getting scheduled with him. And how the hell am I supposed to know when because, the managers have an entirely different schedule thats just their shifts and its fucking private. They end up scheduling me with him again and again and I just don’t show up one day I let the night manager know hey im not coming in on these 2 days, i found someone for this day but not this one so i hope yall find someone.

And then the next day, im getting called by a coworker like hey where are you are you coming in and i say no. no im not. i gave the managers plenty of time ( a whole fucking day) to find someone else bc they know i dont like working with this man. i said im not coming in repeatedly. im not coming in. but the coworker keeps fucking picking at me and saying hey they dont have anyone can you please come and then i get so pissed off i say im on my way and when i get there the fucking manager says you can go home i found someone.

I get so pissed. Why did you keep calling me then?

I didn;t call you they called you.

and the coworker that kept calling me and making me feel guilty for not wanting to work with this man who makes me uncomfortable and pissed and anxious, is my boyfriend. My fucking boyfriend decided this job was more important than my feelings that day and it was beyond hurtful dude im tearing up just talking about it because god it hurt, it was like a dramatic ass betrayal (AND THAT JOB IS SO DRAMATIC BY THE WAY THEY WILL GET SO FUCKING UNCOORDINATED OVER A SMALL RUSH ITS THE STUPIDEST SHIT)

So I go back there and im so angry now. Why have you been blowing up my phone to tell me to come in and being so dramatic. There arent even any customers in here. Why did you keep calling me asking me to come in when they already found somebody.

They just found somebody.

So you could call me and even come back home to fucking say they asked you to come get me> But you cant find the time to pick up the phone again and send a quick nvm?

The next day im scheduled. Another write up from the manager who loves writing me up. because he couldn’t be a fucking manager and just find a replacement no, he had to call and tattle-tell on me to the GM for nothing. I get called in to office by the scheduling manager.

So GM asked me to have you read this, its a warning. I heard you have problems with B and I din’t know that.

I find out they never fucking told the scheduling manager. they lied to me to just keep me coming in.

And... listen. look. I get that everyone in that place must have a complaint. I get that the managers must hear complaints all the time but. just because they do, does not mean my complaint matters less. Im a young woman who is uncomfortable working with an older male manager, how about yall give a shit about that at least. This job didnt care about me the entire time and that hurts even fucking more.

So now, im only getting two days. Because instead of the other managers just stepping up and working the easy night shift, instead of being accommodating and considerate, they decide to just shit on my feelings like this.

The last time I went in. the manager is fucking talking to me because thats what fucking happens. The more you work with someone like that, the more they get use to you not liking them and being uncomfortable with them and they decide they dont fucking care, that they dont have o be accountable. that they can just keep messing with you. My last shift was so anxiety riddled I had to excuse myself 5 times (I counted the tissues) to go fucking cry because of how awful it felt to just, be surrounded by so many people who have the power to do something and yet, decide they just dont feel like it.

He keeps his shifts and i have to deal with having 2.

He works on salary, I have 9 dollars an hour.

my bf and i had to move out of our 1 bedroom that we share with his dad because we needed the space and rent is an extra $100. I broke my glasses last month and cant afford to get replacements so i have been straining my eyes faily. I have to pay a full internet bill from my account and my bf gives me half of that. the dog wont stop fucking barking and giving the cat fleas. My mother and I dont speak, we have no relationship. I dont want to ask my aunts for money any more than i already do, i have no family out here, i only have like 3 friends that are close enough to visit and even then, i dont have a car and “close” equals driving distance and... i’m just

I am so exhausted haha. its been such a long few months. The ups and downs are there but, the downs have been so much more amplified lately its hard to see a silver lining so i just, idk, I dont know. I do not know.

I got our new schedule today. Only two days. This ko-fi stuff and this commission stuff guys its what i have right now. Its what i need to work because nothing else is. lol im not a begging person, im not like... this. Im not so open but, i could really use any help right now, please. Just share the links, if u dont see something u like maybe someone else will, and that hope is the only thing i can look forward to right now. thanks for reading this far if u did. thanks for listening to me yell about avatar for all these years thanks for following me and giving me notes and making me laugh and making me smile and im burned out after all of this so, take care guys.

#this is more a main blog topic but i consider this my main blog since i interact with this one more than my other even though im trying #to leave tumblr #it is so hard to type without glasses im like putting my face on the keyboard to be able to see the screen pft #after this post goes up i will reblog my com sheet again if i havemt already #i need to lay down my cramps are killing my back and in hindsight thats probably why im so openly emotional rn

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blookmallow · 6 years

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so i downloaded an alternate program to play rpgmaker games on since ive been having SO much trouble with wine, and the one i got already had space funeral (which ive played already) and something called “schuld” which ive never heard of, so i figure, i got it, i might as well play it

so far its Okay, seems to be working well though so hopefully this program will work with my other games too but i got way too distracted with the Mysterious Game From The Void to mess with it yet

also any program that comes to me with space funeral pre-installed for some reason is a good one as far as im concerned

anyway heres schuld

i put that image as the preview bc its cool but also that thing hanging from. uh. the sky???? was a pair of pliers that i needed to get through a door covered in barbed wire

like. just. pliers, hangin on a rope. from the sky. for absolutely no discernible reason

a lot of this game feels very intentionally Constructed/intended to be metaphorical rather than logical/None Of This Is Actually Reality, Probably so on the one hand the solutions to puzzles being. bizarre shit like this could actually be intentionally strange to give that sense that things are being given or withheld from you by some omnipotent force that is pulling you through this experience, You See What We Want You To See, You Go Where We Want You To Go

on the other hand, pliers hanging from the sky is hilarious

anyway here we are

i know absolutely nothing about this game i just opened it because It Was There

this is very ominous ambiance i like it. the soundtrack sounds vaguely like labored breathing it is very, very unsettling

looks like we got a zombie apocalypse

not gonna like. tell me what the phrases are or anything. ok

hmm,

wh....what the fuck

IT’S........MONEY :’)

EVERY TIME I INTERACT WITH THE MONEY RIVER I GET ANOTHER THOUSAND DOLLARS :’ )

the only item you have to start off with is a book containing a list of the seven deadly sins, so this is almost definitely a very very obvious Greed Trap but i dont care lmao

oh. thanks

NICE

also this dude told me money is worthless now which comes as no surprise to me (as of where i am now, i never had any consequence or purpose for the money, im not even sure if i still have it i forgot about it until now)

we got an economy of FLESH and some dudes chased me trying to steal my flesh which is, I’ll be honest, a bit rude

you guys just gonna hang out there then

i cant interact with anything else in here or go back the way i came so you’re gonna have to move,

(turns out you have to outrun them, if they pass before you they get stuck in the wall and there’s no way to progress / you die if you touch them)

eew

turns out everyone has The Rot and are slowly rotting away, so any possible source of Clean Flesh to replace their gross bits has become incredibly valuable but its also assumed that Everyone has the rot and will die from it eventually, so im not sure whats even actually being accomplished by replacing gross bits with clean bits if the clean bits are gonna get gross soon anyway

shrugs. anyway it’s Not Quite a zombie apocalypse but its close. an interesting direction

OK APPARENTLY THAT’S AN ARM THEN

this is a hospital (and it’s still functioning, there’s patients here, there’s a nurse, there’s a doctor, and a kid went in for an amputation when i came in, it’s not abandoned or overrun or anything just in massive disrepair) why are they just leaving this shit all over the floor

see this kind of medical irresponsibility is probably why you guys are all rotting in the first place

strange man wanders into your hospital room, you immediately just start telling him your life story

ohhhhh it’s greed. the Rot is greed. they’re all rotting from the Greed inherent in human nature and their Envy for what other people have (unrotten flesh) is turning them into monsters and causing them to tear other people apart except now it’s literally. money is so worthless it now costs an ARM AND A LEG!!! to get anything, i get it. ok :’)

the allegory seems a lil heavy handed to me but, eh, still pretty fun

anyway then i had to distract the doctor so i could steal his ID and wander into rooms im not supposed to be in so i lit his trash can on fire, as you do,

just gonna stand there and watch it, then, i suppose. good thinking, doctor

the Enemy Encounters in this game are a nuisance to navigate but most of the like. logic puzzles/etc are kind of hilariously straight forward as far as “what do i need to do” even if the solutions dont. really make sense

like not to the point that it feels boring, i just set a garbage can on fire in some dude’s office while he was sitting like 5 feet away, it’s fun as hell, it’s just :’) when i interacted with this trash can earlier, before i even knew i needed a distraction or had any means of lighting it, its like “huh this trash would probably burn really well if it were to ignite” and im just like ok apparently im gonna have to set that on fire at some point for SOME REASON,

idk im too tired to write anymore i have more but ill go through the rest later. this game is weird but im into it thats my review goodnight ill have more adventures in flesh thievery, a LOT of cigarettes, and Gun City for you all later

#lucy plays schuld

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sincerelysoft · 7 years

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i woke up and immediately started crying but im going to write down this dream anyways because it was interesting at the same time ;w; its a long stressful dream so dont worry about reading

different segments include - Me and my two brothers are a group and it feels like... we’re alvin and the chipmunks? I mean we’re still us, not chipmunks, but theres something in that vibe with who we... are... even tho we’re not musical either - at some point in the dream, IDK WHERE, someone is talking to me about college, and I’m talking about how I love art but idk if I want to go to college yet. I have a backpack and I keep dropping things everywhere, so I pick them up without putting them into my backpack and run off - we go to space, to a space station orbiting really far away in order to... do math? I guess? we never actually end up doing any math, and the person stationed out in the station is really weird - when we go back, I have a map marked with x’s and I end up looking around these places, unsure of what I’d find. for a brief moment I turn into elric brothers, fighting against someone bad who caught me?? - I’m with my family and we go to a playground and it’s like... we’re walking into the past- a scene from our past that never actually happened IRL. my old school friend is there tho, and she’s talking about current events, and she wants to marry my dad!?!?! and I’m like ‘what kind of possible positive traits does he have’ and her friend next to her is like ‘isn’t he famous- he went to space?’ and I reply “no, he’s infamous. I’m the one who went to space’ and they go oh yeahhhh and she gives me a sweater, and the sweater is covered in these strange sentences relating math and emotion. I’m not sure what they mean, but when I put it on I have difficulty taking it off, and I realize something’s wrong, so me and my fam start running while I try to rip the sweater off - as we run, we’re going deeper into an office building. finally we realize that theres no exit in sight, and we run into an office to hide, and I hide in a closet that’s there with clothes in the office? like dreamscape combining office and living room. - our pursuer comes into the room, and he’s like- this government agent covered in tattoos of strange symbols and words, similar to the ones on the sweater, and they’re like.. meant to recondition people??? or him himself??? and hes very calm, almost annoyed, at having to deal with this. he comes into the closet and he’s very calmly talking to me, but it’s about how running is futile and i’m useful to them, but in order to reach full potential they have to change the way I think and get rid of useless ideas or osmething??? and they tried to be more subtle but if i’m going to be stubborn they’re just going to brainwash me - he gives me this box of files and tells me to look at it, and when I open up my file it’s like- theres this little booklet with notes from me starting from when I was a little kid, but it also has some of my drawings in it?? so im so confused?? it doesnt make much sense when you try to think about it but the basic dream logic was that they had been tracking me for a long ass time and had been involved in the subtle manipulation of my life, and he tells me that i do have a choice, - and I lowkey collapse on the floor and I’m just,, ‘I quit.’ and he’s left the room but he calls back -thats not one of your options- so even though he said he’s not forcing me he totally is?? and then he starts messaging me on fb messenger but most of it is harassing messages/telling me how things are going to go, I find out that my best friend has moved back (Even tho she hasn’t moved away-?) and it’s because she was actually a government plant, she moved back to deal with me, and she doesnt rlly care about me at all... - it gets even... sillier? stupider?? with me receiving calls from people I dont know and its because government agent man is having celebrities call me and insult me??? what the fuck? - end sequence is me and my two brothers in the back of a car driven by two government agents, i have a window seat and im watching the scenery, and I’ve given up, thats it, I lose... so im just crying in futility and then I wake up crying

#mumbletag #dreams #so the part where I went to space was canon and referenced by the rest of the dream... so weird??#anyways silly government brainwashing conspiracy but in the dream it was VERY stressful and upsetting to me #thanks brain what the fuck is going on with u

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starting-in-the-middle · 7 years

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I honestly kind of like bathing suit shopping? Usually I dont wear one much over the summer, just for Dominick’s parent’s pool, but this year we have alum weekend (i went to school on a river so being able to switch from point to north woods is a must) and an outdoor show on the beach so something cute for under my shorts would be nice. Still going strong on my Spending Freeze (even though ALL OF THE CLEARANCE is happening right now. But its okay! there will be more sales!) but that doesnt stop me from beginning window shopping or thinking about styles/prints :) its the one time of year I do fast fashion brands. I’m fickle with my summer styles and never reliably have the same taste in suits year after year, so something that I’ll only use a few times doesnt have to be the highest quality. I am a thrift store queen but I draw the line at anything that may have ever touched genitals lol! So finding something stylish, that looks good (I really dig my figure in general but I have Weird Boobs that most tops have a way of really highlighting, so I am grateful that halter styles are a forever classic!) and is under $20 can be taxing without taking Forever 21 or H&M into consideration.

This is all to say that the F21 website is Incredibly Overwhelming and I dont understand how anyone stays on long enough to actually make a damn purchase!!!! Its like the distilled the experience of being in one of the birck and mortars to a website, I’m surprised there isnt autoplay! While on my old timer clothes soapbox, whats the deal with high waist shorts having a max inseam of like half and inch?!?! I always botch my cutoffs (never again...not after those perfect vintage 505s that i found for a pittance and promptly ruined!), but I have thighs and a desire for my entire ass to be covered up in public (prudish, I know). But then you look for high wasit shorts with a 3-4″ inseam and theyre all those pleated chinos. Which are great if that’s what you’re into! but they arent for me!!

I guess it seems a little weird to talk about shopping/clothes on my health blog, but curbing shopping impulses and sale chasing is part of my holistic life change and I need a space to talk about it. This time of year is especially hard because there are so many great sales (80% off!!! BOGO Free Clearance!! Thats only the 2 sites Ive visted today!) abut I also really fall into the trap of shopping for an Imagined Self every spring-summer. I feel weird in super flowy dresses and pastels and yes delude myself into beliving THIS YEAR I will be the flower crown princess of summer time. But Im a hiker, and I work on a farm, and I need good breatheable footwear and layering tops more than I need a $5 wisp of fabric that will sit in my closet reminding me of who I am not. Like I do have some great floral and light colored (not really PASTEL) dresses that I wear for special ocassions and they are more than enough. So making a list and sticking to it will stave off temptation for things that I KNOW i dont need/want

Have I talked about our 3 day hike plan yet? Ill make a seperate post for that, but there are some new things I need to get for it as well.

So here is my summer shopping list (first draft). After I go through and try on all of my warm weather clothes I’ll have a better idea of quantity:

2 pair hiking shorts. Good quality like Columbia or Padagonia, with good seams, waterproof, and POCKETS.

Teva sandals. I lent my pair to someone the other summer and never got em back and I really missed them this past year.

Lightweight, breathable trail boots

BRALETTES!!!!! (3-5) Padded wire free bras in all sorts of colors, patterns, strap style, etc! I love basic tee shirts and simple outfits, but always spruce it up with a good strong accessory and I think they look so cute under tissue tees and loose tanks. Now that they make em for the over C crowd I’v been super into them as work bras. (I am a 34D so I know that Im not exactly Busty but those seamless things free people makes cannot adequately contain my thunder)

1 pair Linen pants. They come around every year, every year Im like “those looks comfy but idk if I think they look good to me” and I decided I dont care! I like going on long walks in the middle of work if its a slow day, or afterward, so something that I can wear in the office and then be comfortable in Baltimore humid-heat would be aweosme. If I cant find any I like, I’m open to a good pair of soft pants.

A good casual cap. I have some great straw and floppy hats, but I need either a light beanie or a ball cap

2-3 pair comfortable shorts that fit me really well and I dont always have to pull down at the crotch!!!

Okay thats a lot! if you read this far thanks :) What’s on your summer shopping list?

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drashleighreid · 5 years

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If you have the time, do all you haven’t done!

omfg! haha okay holy shit

Alisons: Sexuality?

lesbonym

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

She/her

Amaryllis: birthday?

nov 4th!

Anemone: Favorite flower?

sunflowers and port wine magnolias for their scent and peonies!

Angelonia: Favorite tv show?

id say favorite of recent would be big little lies

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

i don’t know i guess it depends on the situation. i find myself agreeing to do things for strangers for some reason like one time i took an acting workshop and i literally drove three people home afterwards even though they didnt live anywhere near me and i didnt know them at all lkjsf

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

i dont drink much else but water usually lol. i like cold brew coffee and iced tea too. and lemon ginger tea. alcohol-wise i love gin and tonics, red wine, and old-fashioneds

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

no but i said that the time before too LMAO

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

im not sure. i’ve felt really strong feelings for people in the past but i don’t think it’s ever been mutual so i guess not

Baneberries: Favorite song?

god i don’t know if i can do a favorite of all time. i recently played this video game Submerged and it was a really cleansing and wholesome time and I’ve been listening to the orchestral score of that a lot since. any lana del rey song, get free - major lazer hits me in my toner tbh, the jazz standard stardust - there are so many versions i adore idk its too hard to pick ill just end up listing my whole spotify soon i dont really have all time favorites i just go thru waves Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

my mum runs a childcare business, my nan works at a post office, my brother is an IT guy my sister in law is a hairdresser and i have two young nieces who are in 1st and 2nd grade. they all live in my hometown which is kinda far from me. my dad passed away a few years ago but he owned a flower farm. my parents separated when i was in 2nd grade but i spent every holidays with my dad. i have looooooots of cousins lol

Beebalm: do you have a best friend? Who is it?

i dont really do the hierarchy thing ! but i have a few. my friends jess and rach from here are my fave people ever and literally make me cry with laughter when we all hang out and my friend meg who i’ve known since 8th grade is my vegan salad club soul sister and i love her to death

Bellflower: favorite animal

dogs and toucans ! lov birbs

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

night!

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

that i dont understand how i didnt get the maternal gene when my mum literally looks after children for a living slkjsdf. im not opposed to having one someday but not for a while and i think id honestly be content either way

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

small spaces/being trapped which i dont know? ive just always had some level of claustrophobia i dont know where it came from

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?

probably stressed LMAO. idk hanging out with loved ones eating good food trying to do a bunch of things i’ve always wanted to do

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

in a committed relationship with a body pillow and my vibrator

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

when i can speak openly and be vulnerable comfortably. when people tell me they care about me and value my presence

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?

2x each ear and one cartilage

California Poppy: Height?

5′6

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

yes

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?

a cute grey nightgown lol *+*

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

im sure i did when i was younger but now light kind of bothers me when im trying to sleep

Chrysanthemum: who was the last person you kissed?

my friend when we were drunk

Cock’s Comb: favorite font?

i dont think i really have one lol

Columbine: Are you tired?

im kinda like comfy sleepy. its pouring rain and a cool breeze is coming through my window and im really cozy so its just like. nice.

Coneflower: Dream job?

scriptwriter/director

Crane’s-bill: Introvert or extrovert?

im an introvert

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

im fiercely loyal to those i love.

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

scorpio babeeeeey

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

hmm. in what scheme lol. of the world? probably not yet but we’re working on it.

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

idk if its an accomplishment but my travels are probably the highlight of my life to me. im kind of always fearless when i travel lol and i love that for me

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

i dont know. i like to think im good at talking people through things and being empathetic and giving advice. i try my best to be there for people

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

letting things go. not bottling things up.

Freesia: what are three good things that have happened in the past month?

i finished school for the semester ! i started a painting! i saw two cool theatre shows.

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

actually pretty good!

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

not really but i’m starting to see the potential in the future a lot more. i tend to get really stuck and struggle to see beyond my current situation but i’m trying to look forward and realise that things are going to get a lot better with time

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

direct a short film i’m happy with, write more, travel overseas, cultivate a close group of friends here, go back to singing lessons.

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?

watching youtube videos ! jenna and julien and remi cruz are my favorites they just make me feel so positive. listening to podcasts especially my dad wrote a porno because even if im in the worst mood ill literally be sobbing with laughter. listening to music and playing mindless games on my phone! watching movies and tv shows. getting out of the house and going to a cafe/wandering around the mall. going to the movie theatre. reading !

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

i use my words a lot of the time. if i really care about someone i’ll talk to them and be there for them.

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

im proud of my strength and my unwavering knowledge of what i deserve. im proud of my friends and my family and everyone in my life.

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day?

waking up and taking a dog for a walk having coffee and brunch with a close friend doing something fun like rock climbing or ice skating or going on a hike then going to see a show and going home to watch movies or play video games or play card games

Hyacinth: what do you like to do in your free time?

read, watch movies, exercise, talk to friends, write

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

Jess and Rach i met on here like ??? i cant remember when ?? 2012 ?? 2011? then we finally met in person in 2015 and now i swear i see them more often than i see friends i live in the same place as. my best friend from high school i met in 8th grade so 2007??

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

my best friends. my sister in law.

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

idk its kinda weird to count lol

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

hmm. this random lady in a mall once told me i can pull off red lipstick better than anyone shes ever seen before shhhhwooooosh. some of the things people have said about my fics literally makes me want to cry. one of my professors last year wrote a really lovely recommendation letter for me and told me i was fucking awesome and was going to do great things.

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

She’s Trying. idk i struggle sometimes but at my core im proud of myself and i know my worth

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

My resilience and passion and empathy.

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?

that i lose sight of what i want and how to get it. that i shut people out and am sometimes so scarily independent that it tips and turns me lonely.

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

visit my nans on the weekend and play video games. go to the beach. read !!! write.

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

my best friend had the same name as me and we’d play bratz and she had a pool so it was lit now she lives a few houses down from where my mum lives and has a child and we havent really spoken since like 9th grade lol slfj

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

not making it back in time for my dads funeral

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?

a lot of the time im self assured enough to not feel guilt over things i know aren’t my fault or situations where im not in the wrong. i never want people to be unhappy or struggle even if they probably dont deserve my sympathy though so i get mixed feelings there.

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it?

i grew up on a coastal beach town. a small sleepy lil bay. it’s super pretty and idyllic and gorgeous but living there grew a bit monotonous tbh im not a small town person. visiting is lovely though. my nan literally lived basically on the beach when i was growing up youd just like roll down a hill and be on the sand. i loved it so much

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

i had a few different ones. i usually had purple walls ! and id decorate it with random things i was interested in and had books everywhere

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?

i mean not a whole lot LOL high school kinda sucked. i did really well at school and i had some good friends! it wasnt the worst but i was also a closeted gay and didnt know who tf i was so there was some struggles around that.

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom?

shes generous and selfless and kind. she’s had a bit of a rough life but she’s strong.

Onions: Tell about your dad

i love that this q is ‘onions’ mood. our relationship was ,,, turbulent. i have some really great memories with him and visiting was honestly good a lot of the time when i was growing up! we’d play pool and id help them with the flowers and we’d go out boating and swimming and bowling and do lots of fun stuff but he was also an alcoholic and gradually got worse as i got older and he was really intimidating and could be really hot and cold and had really unrealistic expectations.

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents

i was really close with my grandmother on my dads side she gave me my passion for reading and writing !! when i was really young i would sit in her lap and she would read me stories and then when i got older i started reading the stories to her we were super close she passed away when i was in 6th grade and it was really sad i loved her. my grandpa on my mums side taught me how to play pool !! he used to run the pool club where i’d compete and he was just a nice guy he passed away a few years ago. and my nan on my mums side is an icon i love hanging out with her i grew up spending almost every weekend at her house playing video games she always has all the newest consoles and video games for all of her grandchildren lol we go for walks on the beach and shes awesome one time she came to pick me up from school blasting low by flo rida we stan

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

hmm my 16th maybe ! that was when i was in the US and i remember having cheer practice and my host mom brought cake in and it was just really nice. idk why my 10th birthday is so memorable to me but i had a lit bday party and i remember so much about it lol?

Peony: What was your first job?

i was a barista!

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

i dont know if i have an idea on how i hope to meet my future partner its not something i plan or have a preference for. ive met most of my closest friends online and w being gay *+* lol itll prob be through online im guessing.

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

physically? poorly LOL im such a baby if im in pain in any way.

Pink: where is home?

idk. i dont know if i have one just yet tbh. we’ll find it !

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, whats is one thing you would stop/change?

hmm i try to live without ragrets. there are a few situations id like to go into either wiser or not at all though if im being hoe nest.

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

hmm. there are a few actresses/celebs i look up to ! all these qs are turning my brain into goo LMAO i cant think

Rhododendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

i heard once that someone related to my great grandfather had some kind of connection to french royalty ?? idk how true that was but i was waiting for my princess diaries moment for a while there

Ricinus: who’s the most important in your life?

me bitch

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

rain/thunder

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?

to read fic until im too sleepy to keep my eyes open then drift off *+*

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

depends on the situation. i wouldn’t say easy but i can speak and explain myself well because I spend soo much time thinking about things lol

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

my mum

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

like 9 hrs lol

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

coffee

Touch-me-not: how do you feel about your current job?

that i need one

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

black jeans

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

this and that. packing to go away

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? what were they called?

lol none really. i read a few at the beginning of the year but nothing lately. ive read innumerable fic tho does that count

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

happier ! growing ! loved. i want to feel accomplished with what i created during the school year, fulfilled. surrounded by people with pure intentions. hopefully just overseas somewhere

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

whY is this a question ???????????????????

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself

i used to be a fitness instructor

okay that was a lot more questions than i thought it was LMAO fuck

thank you for the entertainment that was fun ! xx

#omfg im dead i didnt think there were that many #long post #read more #Anonymous

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booksbroadwaybbc · 6 years

Text

Don't know what to do with myself. via /r/selfimprovement

Don't know what to do with myself.

Hi. I'm 21 and still in community college, but I did get my provisional admission to this university I wanted to transfer to. I work as a runner at Din Tai Fung and I'm supposed to make bank, but I don't really know yet because I'm a new employee. Headtitle question at the bottom

I think I've lived an okay-ish life, kind of. story time, skip to the end if you dont wanna read it I come from a Korean family, can't say I remember much of my childhood except mostly being beaten and yelled at. There were good times too, but they usually ended prettily shittily. Moved around a bunch, went to a lot of schools. I've dealt with a lot of abusive stuff from both parents, but I'm not going to talk about my mom because things have gotten better and she's still here for me(?). For some extreme stuff- my dad broke my brothers toes in elementary school. In my senior year, he threatened me at knifepoint and forced it into my hands and told me to stab my brother or he would stab me. Beatings from him were pretty bad, and it's not just belts and sticks bad. I played co-ed baseball in 5th grade, so bam, there was that too. He liked to throw chairs and literally flip tables when he was angry (hes a private construction worker, so he's pretty strong). Broke a lot of his phones throwing them at us, the wall, the floor, whatever. Ive had a lot of problems with my social affairs in highschool- anxiety, being cold, being short tempered, aggressive, violent, sharp tongued. I started warming up in senior year because of this girl I dated, which was a pretty big deal because gays are not allowed in this household. And well, im bi but its the same thing to them. Can't say that went too well, because my brother found out and blackmailed me in the situation we were living in. But who cares, because siblings hate each other right? Anyways, broke up with her, broke her heart, treated her poorly and whatever two years later we made up and was able to be friends again. Back to dad- he was usually never around for things like elementary grad, middle school grad, and highschool- my mom made him come, but he sure didn't seem happy about it. In highschool, he only laid down on his phone playi ng his shitty phone games. Doesnt talk to me, doesnt talk to my brother, doesnt talk to my mom. His routine: wake up, go to work, come home, phone games, eat, phone games, sleep. If you try to talk to him, he ignores you. If you press it, he'll give you some boring answer like "go away already".

Anywho, that abusive fuck was caught cheating. Had an affair with a client's sister. Sold the house we lived in, mom moved to Newark, him to San Leandro. Mom didnt want to deal with me, so I got the boot and lived wjth acquaintances in Hayward. Couldnt afford it, so mom told me to move to San Leandro with him. I moved in with my best friend helping me and we saw the evidence. Bambam, hello lady clothing and shit. I went apeshit nuts and he tried to convince me, then threatened that I would be in big trouble if i said anything. (Parents were separated but not divorced). Alright, ill keep my big mouth shut.

I worked for his "girlfriend" at her cafe in Berkeley. Why? Well, it was easy money and i needed it to keep up with my shitty coping habits- partying and party favors, mostly e. You dont have to deal with stress if youre always out partying.

Anywho, fast forward, skip a lot of details. Mom gets a phone call one day from mutual acquaintance saying dad is sick and asks her to bring him some food. Alright. So she does because she still cares, and finds out the truth. Calls me and demands me to come right now and unlock the door- note that this is a 40 minute drive. By the time i get there, theres hella police and a window is broken and theres hella shit going on. Things settled down but being my immature ass i scream at my parents for both being immature, and they shouldve just cut things clean. I yell at my dad for being a fuckhead and cheating, you didnt raise a liar but you are one. I yell at my mom for being irresponsible and breaking things. Police grabs my shoulder but i swipe it off and bam. Im on the floor, face into concrete, chipped teeth and i cant even see where my dog is. Tbh i was more worried that he ran off because he was still a puppy and i was holding him during this whole ordeal. My glasses got knocked off my face when those two officers fucking bodyslammed me into the ground. I'm 5ft4, i weighed like 130 at this time but im just a legit smol asian girl.

What happened next? Well yknow, i got arrested and sent to jail for assaulting a police officer, nbd. Sat there for a few hours, listening to some psycho making weird noises. Finally get some call saying that my mom was waiting for me, and she bailed me out. She was crying a lot and told me that my dad didnt even bat an eye as they took me away, that he smiled and tried to fix his goddamn broken window. I believe it too, because I saw that shitty smirk on his face when i got to the scene. My mom has a bit of an uncontrollable temper so she looks psycho when the other person was the wack one. This was in January 2017.

Skip forward to the next police thing. June 2017. My mom demands that i pack all my shit and move back, and she wants to go with me. I plead no, but what am i gonna do against her? Alright, we drive and she starts saying stuff about lying and calls the bitch a slut and homewrecker and stuff, dad gets up to stand inbetween and stuff. Tells her to move than basically shoves her across the living room towards the door. **insert hysteria and bam again, screaming and each other, his hands on her, me trying to squeeze my body in between them and get his hands off of her. Doesnt really work cos he turns on me, hits me away and goes back to beat her. My screaming doesnt really help either, but i try what I can to claw his arms off of her. Nooooo, bad idea, but better me than her. He grabs me and my head is locked into his elbow so I bite down, arm. Baaaad idea again, but its in self defense imo. Im just trying to help my mom. He p much beats me up into a pulp her, grabs my shirt all the way up and yikes thats embarassing. The struggle goes on and eventually its calm again because slutface is like "honey staph"- note: only words and no actions to get close, buuuut, it works. Me and mom move to my room and start removing all my weebshit from the walls. Mom is muttering and saying a bunch of bs for him to hear and he storms into the room because hes fucking triggered and start the violence again. Oh but this is where i do the fun thing- i lunge myself at him so im like on top of him but holy shit, he legit pulls me off of him and throws me against the wall cabinets, and two hand chokes me, with his knees on my chest. Mom starts screaming at him, claws his face and soon the police are here and shit. Bitch called the police, and this is where it gets more fucked up. I legally live here, its on my license. I came back to move out, so its okay for me to be here, because i came to pack my stuff and take whats mine. So why exactly did the police not believe me? Why did my mom get arrested for putting dumb scratches on his face when he beat us, with pictures - that day- to prove that he inflicted more wounds on us. We were just defending ourselves. He put his hands on us first. Anyways, that starts my worries cos im like. Im 20, but idk what to do. How do i find money to bail my mom out? How do i even do that in the first place? But i managed.

Anywho skip forward, jackass is no longer in my life, tho i have to deal with him through my brother from time to time. Parents officially divorced Feb 2018. I've lived with my mom, she bought a cafeteria for a little bit so I worked there. Things were really hard because my mom had a lot of pent up anger that she would take out on me. My brother moved out because he went to university so he didnt really have to deal with much. Im also the older child, so bam. Anyways, we fought a lot. A LOT LOT. Like apeshit crazylot. I took a lot of beatings. It was like the weekend before Christmas of 2017 where a took a huge beating and ran away from my problems by going to my now-ex's house. He offered me to move in with him and his family, so I did. I had the choice of going back to my moms lifestyle and attempt to make up, or trying to live a different life. I lived with him from like Christmas to March 2018. We started having a lot of problems because he regret inviting me, he wasnt ready to give up his personal space and I was done babysitting someone who was older than me. Doing his laundry, doing his dishes, cleaning his room. I was done with being bored, never going out, being ignored while he did the same thing my dad did. Sit on his phone and not speak a word. Yeah, there were good times too, but they seem so fleeting when it seeps in with your own personal trauma of being ignored. Btw- when i moved to his place, my brother moved back home to fill the gap, but my brother is better with dealing with my mom and she doesnt blow up at him.

After I moved back, it was better. Yeah, shit went down sometimes but i guess overall it was better? My mom cried a lot. I would hear her talk on the phone with her family members in Korea and cry about how she was tired of everything and didn't want to do it anymore. I know exactly how that feels. Well, in the later months of 2018, we got along better and havent really had those blowups. I tried my best to stay home more instead of going out at night because she hated it. I tried to be nicer to her and more compromising. She's in Korea rn and things suck. During the whole parents thing, it sucks to feel like your parents are passing you to each other likea toy they dont want. It sucks to not really feel familial love growing up, where mom is just doing things because shes supposed to and dad just flat out pretends you dont exist. It sucks that it takes two years of partying, drugs and cons to find out

Submitted October 31, 2018 at 10:33AM by xfirelily via reddit https://ift.tt/2CRsVBn

#IFTTT #reddit

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biwikrie · 7 years

Text

everything that’s going wrong in my life because i am bitter

the move

ok so i recently moved from japan back to the US and everything is so jacked up here and far apart. i mean sure, i kinda like it here, but since i know no one and am unable to actually go anywhere, i cant really do anything. not to mention that im not accustomed to anything in the US and everyone just expects me to know things and relate when i’ve literally been in the US for like two-ish maybe months after 5 years in JAPAN. hhhh stressful. also, i don’t have anything from my room in japan. it’s not even packed up. so i’m going to be sleeping on an air mattress until at least december.

school

when i say that my school is small, i mean too small. we have a 2300+ student body, but a main hallway that only accommodates 1500-ish people. it’s almost impossible to walk to my classes and just as difficult to find a seat during lunch. also, i’m apparently ahead of my grade level in most things, so i’m fully just breezing through this year and cant change my classes because i couldn’t get the summer work for honors, and can’t take english and history classes for 11th graders. so my student transcript is going to be shit because i went from honors world history and literature to regular 10th grade world history and english. plus, i’m always the first to finish the tests and shit in my alg2 class, while sitting in the back because im too terrified of the giants that are 11th graders to sit anywhere else. i can’t really talk with anybody in most of my classes because they assume i’m a freshman and are just weirded out that such a small kid is in their class.

friends / lack thereof

boy oh boy. the other reason i cant find a seat during lunch is because its divided into 3 different periods. i have third (last) lunch, which is also right after my alg2 class, which is full of 11th graders. so my tiny self is walking down the hall to the cafeteria surrounded by these tall 11th graders with no way of talking to them. so i just kinda sit “alone” at the peanut allergy table (when i say alone, i mean that im surrounded by upperclassmen as i try to take up as little space as possible while reading my book.

let’s also talk about how all but one friend from japan probably forgot about me. so, shout out to paul for sticking to his promise of sending me a snap of him sending an “encouragement snap” using his mickey mouse voice. but because of the time difference, i can’t really speak in the group chat, and since they all live near each other and see each other everyday at school, they don’t really need to ever use the group chat. i have absolutely no one to vent to, and the only thing i can really talk about is bad stuff. so fuck me.

i get 12000 crushes a day

SPEAKING OF FUCK ME: i, at 8:38 pm on thursday, august 31st, 2017, have 6 crushes. time to elaborate i guess.

joseph/joey is in my chemistry class and my world history class. he’s pretty funny and i think i remember him from way back when i first lived in florida. he has this really interesting voice and laugh, and his hair has this little swoosh that goes straight up. only problem is that he kind of reminds me of yosuke and i can’t stand having him [joey] standing/sitting to my left.

dylan is in my art class. we talked for maybe two minutes on the first day and we still see each other everyday, but don’t talk. he got moved to a different table. he has a really deep voice that i absolutely love listening to. me and him occasionally look at each other when we’re confused by what the teacher is saying and have a little laugh. he’s only taking art because he needs a fine art to graduate. we dont talk, but we have this kind of unspoken agreement to do this dumb fake smile thing when we first see each other (but my gotdamn crush on him makes me go from fake smiling to blushing like an idiot). sometimes in class, i’ll catch him looking at me, and i don’t know if its my obnoxious teenage girl brain, but i think he might want to talk to me?? but oh my god he’s really pretty. like model status pretty.

dj is also in my art class, but he also rides my bus. i know for a fact that he doesn’t like me. he doesn’t even know me. but he has bushy eyebrows and purple-ish curly hair. and oh my god when he laughs its amazing. i look at him too much.

guy in my alg2 class that i dont know the name of is... in my algebra 2 class. i’ve never offically spoken to him, but his did hold the door open for me once and was super polite. he doesn’t play sports but he’s large. like, 6 foot large. he also has his hair up in a bun everyday. and today during the tst he undid the bun, and his hair goes a little bit past his shoulders and it looks to silky. deep voice.

liam is in my english 10 class. at least i know he’s in my grade right? and holy heck does he look so nice. he has blond-ish red hair and brown eyes?? and he literally could care less about school. he’s like a bad boy but super chill?? i used to sit directly across the room from him and i would sometimes look in his direction and see him looking at my group’s table? whether it be because he knew the people at my table, or was just completely blanking out, or because im a new student and hhhhh, i’ll never know because we had to change tables. now i sit with my back to him so idk if he’s even in the class anymore.

anthony is in my world history class and is friends with joey. i had a crush on anthony before joey, but after a while anthony just seemed kind of dumb, but i still kind of like him? he goes out of his way to bring me into conversation and is funny in a dumb way. i dont even know. reminds me not to kill myself. he looks like he’s good at hugging.

time in general

so i’ve recently been hit with this like wave of sadness where everything suck sand maybe that’s why i wrote this, but i have nothing to look forward to each day other than getting back to my “bed” after school. i just want it to be summer again becuase either 1) i can learn to drive, 2) anthony and joey and alec and austin can maybe want to hang out or something and i can finally have friends 3) i can screw up my sleeping schedule to talk to my bros in japan 4) i’ll have my stuff 5) i can start making real friends in junior year because at least i might know some people during lunch. i just want everything to fix itself because i have no way of fixing it.

i kinda want to die

and not in the angsty teen way. actually, maybe in the angsty teen way. i just dont think that i have anything to provide to the world and i’ve already experienced all the world has to offer? i mean, obviously i haven’t, but in a “nothing else really will matter” kind of way. is that nihilistic? i just want to skip to the part of my life where i can just experience love?? thats sappy as shit, but i want to find someone that i can really love and experience the thing that humans experience and just know that im not alone in the universe? maybe its me and my obsession with soulmate au’s, but i really want to find someone where everything just clicks from the first moment and i can just be myself and be fully accepted and be truly vulnerable and free with someone that i absolutely care about and love? but i know im not mentally prepared to be in a relationship of any kind and that’s a problem after being removed from the only people i could talk to. so i’m forced to bottle things up and just try to push away bad thoughts to prevent myself from just crying in the middle of class. sometimes i get the thought of the time i wrote a suicide note. sometimes i think about who of my classmates would notice that i never showed up to school again. sometimes i think of when my brother and dad would find me dead and what their reactions would be. but hey! “i want to die” i so #relatable right !!!

i just want to say that the only people that i’ve met that maybe genuinely cared if i actually killed myself were my biology teacher mr francis and anthony. i remember the look on mr francis’s face when i said that i didn’t know if i wanted to be alive, while my classmates just laughed because of the whole “i want to die” meme culture we have. i appreciate that he didn’t tell anyone, but that might not have been the best in the long run. of course, that’s not his fault. he probably knew that i would just lie to the counselor. but i wish mr francis could see me now. completely broken and looking like i never want to wake up. last week in history class, my group was all joking about wanting to die, and i think anthony saw it on my face. he saw the quiet build up of tears as i thought of what these people i call my somewhat friends would think or how they would react if they realized i never showed back up to school. or if my teacher announced that i had killed myself. or as i thought of my suicide note that i wrote a month and a half ago. and he probably said the last words i expected to hear from one of my classmates, especially after only knowing me for a few days. “you know, if you were to kill yourself, i’d get really sad” it’s dumb, i know. but it’s suck with me. he barely even knows me, but we were launched into this conversation about how we would truly feel if someone close to us died. like imagine coming to school and noticing that the person that sits next to you, who normally never skipped a single day of school, now hasn’t shown up in a week. imagine trying to find their face during lunch, only to figure out that they aren’t even breathing anymore. imagine having to continue with our day, with your life, not truly knowing what happened, or knowing if you can help, or if you could’ve helped to prevent such a thing from happening. imagine seeing someone you’ve seen everyday just disappear without a trace, just to disappear without anyone knowing that they were even there. (deh anyone?)

#leftradish vent #tw: sucide mention

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