#yeah this kinda had megamind vibes lol whoops

[anonymous-dentist]

Little fic inspired by this post by @quackityinc (hiiii delilah)

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Quackity doesn't remember when he started kidnapping Karl Jacobs. He wishes he did so he could go back in time and tell his past self to, like, not fucking do that. Because not only has it turned... problematic for multiple reasons (relation to Heatwave, increasing popularity, personal interest, etc.), but also? Karl Jacobs is annoying. That, most of all, has really turned Quackity off of the whole kidnapping thing.

"Oh, you redecorated!" Karl exclaims.

Ten minutes, Quackity thinks. Karl Jacobs has been kidnapped for ten minutes, and he's already out of the trap Quackity stuck him in. He's out of the trap, and he's wandering around Quackity's super evil lair with a smile painted on his face like he literally isn't kidnapped. He is literally kidnapped. What is wrong with him?

Quackity, for his part, just lets it happen. He sits in his chair and he watches Karl wander around his lair like it's an art museum.

Arms crossed, and scowl firmly on his face, Quackity thinks, not for the first time, that maybe this has gotten a little out of control.

"I like it!" Karl declares. He looks at Quackity, eyes wide and eager and full of enough bullshit to drown a pig in. "It's nice! Modern, I like that in an evil lair."

"I'm glad," Quackity dryly responds. His voice changer pitched his voice down to Technoblade levels of deep.

"See, but there's one thing I would change-"

Quackity sighs and fights the urge to put a bullet through Karl's pretty little skull. Here it comes...

Karl paces along the balcony above Quackity, fingers trailing along the railing as he goes. He painted his nails again, Quackity absently notices. Pink. Nice.

"-I'm not sure if the carpet up here is good for, like, stains?" Karl says, and- yeah, okay, he's got a point, but the carpet wasn't Quackity's idea. "Like- okay, shut me down here if you want, but I know you like your bloodstains, and the carpet up here is too dark for that? I think?"

"I'm not exactly torturing people up there," Quackity says. "You know where I torture people."

"Ugh, yeah, I know, but I still think that you should think about putting something lighter in if you want the stains to pop."

"Who says I want the stains to pop?"

"Don't you villain guys have that uuuuh..." Karl trails off, deep in thought. His mouth turns down into a cute little frown that a weaker Quackity would want to kiss. "...the what's-it-called. Your OSHA."

Quackity nods. "Yeah, VOSHA."

The Villainous Organization for Safety, Health, and Absolute Degeneracy. Quackity is the vice president this year, much to his annoyance. Schlatt got the presidency yet again thanks to the vote rigging. Fucking asshole.

Karl snaps his fingers. "Yeah! That! Isn't their whole thing making sure your evil lairs are, like, evil? This doesn't look evil to me."

He scuffs the toe of his shoe along the carpet. Quackity is sure he's getting mud all over it, but he doesn't really care. Again, the carpet wasn't his idea. Blame Foolish. He wanted something nice.

"I'm not getting rid of the carpet," Quackity says.

"I'm not saying you have to!" Karl objects. "I'm just saying that you've got some design flaws up here. Just saying."

In one swift motion, Karl braces himself against the railing with one hand and hops it, settling upside-down from the topmost bar. Quackity wishes he'd fall and crack his skull open, but he knows he won't, and he knows that him wishing that he would is just a desperate attempt at not caring about someone he cares entirely too much about.

"Thanks for putting the railings in, by the way," Karl says. He doesn't seem at all bothered by the fact that he's freely dangling by his feet twenty feet above a hard concrete floor. "Makes it way easier to hang, you know?"

Quackity has seen Karl's shows. He was in the audience of last week's, front row. He even got to be part of it as an audience volunteer, and he got a bouquet of plastic flowers from Karl's sleeve for his trouble. Those flowers are in a vase in his bedroom back home right next to the program.

"Yeah, no, I totally get it," Quackity says. He watches as Karl drops his arms down so they swing next to his head. "Sometimes you just gotta hang, yeah, I get it."

"You know, you're a nice guy," Karl says. He looks at Quackity like he can see through the mask. "Sometimes I wonder what you look like under there."

Absently, Quackity raises a gloved hand to press his mask closer to his face. "Nothing special. Don't worry about it."

Karl smirks at that, eyes narrowing slightly. "Somehow, I doubt that."

And, of course, that's when Heatwave chooses to enter via the window, crashing through without a care in the world.

Quackity groans. He can't afford this...

"Karl!" Heatwave shouts. He looks frantically around the room before seeing Karl hanging from the railing. At that, he looking faintly alarmed, and very amused. At least he and Quackity can agree on that. "Karl, oh my God, there you are!"

Karl smiles and waves. "Hey, baby! Me and V were just hanging out."

He giggles at the pun. Quackity wants to slit his throat. Quackity wants to kiss him. This is a problem.

Heatwave turns on his heel to glare at Quackity, who stares impassively back from behind his mask.

"Vulture," Heatwave says, voice pleasant but laced with disgust. "will you please stop kidnapping my boyfriend?"

Very few know that famed hero Heatwave has a partner. Very many people know that famed magician Karl Jacobs has a partner. He shows his boyfriend, one Sapnap Halo, off every time he does an Instagram livestream. Quackity is one of only two people on the planet that knows that Heatwave and Sapnap Halo are one in the same. This is also a problem.

"Nah," Quackity says. He glances up at Karl with a soft smile. "I'm good."

#yeah this kinda had megamind vibes lol whoops #a.d.'s fics i suppose #a.d.'s fics i suppose. #i actually have a soft spot for honq in this au now btw i'm emotionaly attached it's the megamind effect