#yknow if i ever find someone i want to have a partner-esque relationship. i want to have what laughingstock has

[asexual-society]

Hi! I identify as bi-ace but uh I'm wondering if I'm maybe aro-ace instead? Its just that I don't think I understand what romantic attraction actually means. I think I have a very fairytale-esque idea of romantic love. Yknow the whole kiss on the hand/forehead/cheek, asking for a dance, making someone breakfast, cuddling while watching a movie.

But the thing is. none of that stuff is exclusive to romantic partners. I'd absolutely do that stuff with a friend too. Affectionate kisses and all. I think I'm just wondering how romantic love is different to deep platonic affection because in my head I can't really differentiate it in any solid way. Doesn't help that I haven't ever dated anyone so I can get an idea with this haha 😅 so any help would be lovely thank you!

oh man, I feel this so much! thanks for reaching out!

(As a disclaimer: if any of the aroace mods want to chime in, feel free!)

Honestly, I've struggled with this a bit too (especially the "but I'd do all that with a friend too!" aspect), but at least from where I'm at now: I think what makes me still ID as biromantic instead of aromantic is that while I would hold hands, cook food for, dance with, or kiss a friend, I generally don't, whereas with past romantic partners, I generally do.

Which is to say: I didn't have a solid distinction until I was in a romantic relationship, and it's ok if you're not sure yet, either! And maybe if things had gone differently, I would identify closer to aromantic today, and that'd be fine, too! If you decide that you do want to kiss your friends, that you want to cook them breakfast, that you dance together and cuddle, and all of those are things are just parts of your friendship, then that's all it has to be.

Ultimately, labels and attraction are secondary—it's your relationships, and what you choose to do or not do in those, that matter.

When it comes to romantic attraction, it's often defined as a specific "romantic desire" or elevated feeling—but obviously, you have to experience that to know if it's something you experience, right?

At least personally, this can manifest fuzzily as a sort of "aura" or "draw," like I find myself gravitating toward them more than I am to others, but I can get that with friends as well, and, well, you see the issue here.

Alternatively, some official definitions list romantic attraction as wanting to engage in certain "romantic" behaviors with a given person, but for me (and maybe for you!) that doesn't work very well, because "romantic behaviors" aren't exclusive.* By contrast, I think it can be useful to think of labels as they relate to desired relationships—do you want more "deep friendships," or do you want a relationship with a specific "romantic partner"? Does exclusivity matter? What about other people who you might enter a relationship with, or with whom you might extend an existing relationship?

* For what it's worth, this is also why some people use the label quoiromantic, though I don't personally use it. That could be another option for you, especially if you feel more drawn or aligned with aro communities and experiences.

I hope these questions help you further on your journey—and that whatever label you find fits best, it brings you joy and all the things you want :')

-- mod banshee

#asks #mod banshee