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Marry me? 😍

Hell yes

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Want to cuddle? 😚😘

Yesh

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Why are you so cute?

I don't really know. I don't think I am but my crazy girlfriend thinks so. ;)

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Things That Happened On My First Day At Target

-Sold lingerie to an eighty year old woman

-Got a free salted caramel frappacino from the suspectedly gay barista, Parker

-Sold a bra to the mom of a sixteen year old girl who was cringing the entire time

-Had a very engaging conversation with a three year old boy about colors. We both like blue.

-Served an old woman who I thought had an impressive mustache, but it was just nose hair

-Watched her and two other women with her get trapped between two sets of automatic doors because they did not understand how to open them. How they got through the first set, I still do not know.

-Sold fifteen gallons of kitty litter to a soccer mom who refused to break eye contact

-Got a second free starbucks drink. This one was a pumpkin pie one that wasn’t even on the menu. I like this barista man.

-Gave dozens of children stickers. Several of them squealed when they got them. This is the best part of my job.

-Sold an old man $200 of furniture and got him to sign up for a Target credit card. Before he finished the last step, he turned and walked away with his cart without a word.

-He still hadn’t paid. I called him back and he apologized, saying “sorry, sometimes my diabetes makes me do that.” He didn’t finish getting the card.

-A woman came up with $220 of items. After a wad of coupons and a stack of free gift cards from other promotions, her total went down to $55. I want her to teach me. 

-Saw a girl skipping down the aisle in what can only be described as a pink princess fairy wedding dress. She was filled with happiness and if I hadn’t been on the clock I would have taken her. At the very least, I want that outfit for my own.

-Got approached by a large man named Jason. He told me not to steal. I will take this advice to heart. 

-Met a woman referred to only as The Cat Lady. She asked if I wanted her to buy me a keychain from Ross. I told her I had no keys. She nodded solemnly and walked away, whispering their exact location inside Ross, just in case.

-Got called into the HR Head’s office at the end of my shift. I was expecting to be yelled at for some reason. She and another lead showered me in compliments for ten minutes straight, saying a lot of managers had been saying great things about me all day. Not what I expected, but I’ll take it.

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Today, I fucked up... by farting on a customer

I work as a courtesy clerk at a Kroger grocery store. For those of you who don’t know, a courtesy clerk is the one who bags groceries, cashiers when needed, sweeps, and all the other things lowly minimum wage workers do.

It has always been my policy that, at work, if I am gassy, not to hold back. I figure that since there are so many people in one confined area, a well placed silent fart is difficult (if not impossible) to assign to any specific person. Using this logic, I fart often and with no ragrets in the workplace.

~However~

Today, like many other days, I was working a particularly long (8.5 hour) shift at work. This meant that I would get a half hour lunch. When the time came, I went to town. I’m talking a sandwich from the deli, mac and cheese, Dr. Pepper, the works. Today was a good day for me.

After lunch, I realized I had eaten too much. Something about what I ate. or how fast I ate it, gave me horrible gas. Very very smelly. There was nothing I could do about it, and as I was clocking back in and I passed the first round of what was to come, I smelled a smelly smell and quickly noped the hell out of there as I saw my manager round the corner headed towards the pool of stink I had left. That’swhatshegetsforpayingmeminimumwage.

I arrived back at the front of the store and returned to bagging the groceries of a couple who were looking puzzled since nobody had taken care of their things yet. Once I was nearing the end of packing their groceries away, I felt gas going through my intestines (or whatever that feeling is, if you know what I am talking about). I was putting the last item into the bag, and their check was running through the printer, when I released the pressure.

I did not hold back.

It was silent

It was deadly

It made my eyes water

And as soon as I had released it, I felt sorry for anyone in a 10 foot radius of my anus. This particular fart traveled fast. So fast, in fact, that the husband (whose groceries I had just put in the cart) turned to his wife and said, out loud, “Did you just shit yourself babe?” The woman appeared shocked by this, and immediately responded with “No, I thought that must have been you, I smelled it too.” The husband looks down at his wallet, stuffs his receipt into it, and mutters loudly, “Well it sure smelled like one of yours.” I couldn’t contain myself. The fact that they were each convinced that the other did it and did not even consider that anyone else like myself could have been the origin of that horrid stench, made me burst out laughing so I quickly ducked over to the customer service desk and contained myself. Once I regained my composure, I went back to what I was doing, only to catch the last part of their argument as they exited the sliding doors, The husband basically volunteering to sleep on the couch that night in order to avoid waking up to a dutch oven.

So that is the story of how I almost ended a relationship because I farted in someone’s general direction.

TL;DR Farted on a couple at work today, they blamed it on each other and got into a heated argument about who was sleeping on the couch that night.

by the_doolittle

Check out more TIFUs: Internet`s best fuck ups are here.

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Today, I fucked up... by looking at my aunts baby

So ill get right to it, today my aunty came over to show us her new baby. It’s name’s Cooper, so long story short my auntie came over with Cooper in his stroller. This should have been an easy task right, look at the baby and say some cheesy comment like “aww, he’s so cute” but, there was a big ass bug on the stroller handle, and the first thing that came out of my mouth was “Ew, what the fuck is that?” I mean, I was talking about the stupid bug but my auntie has never looked so disgusted.

Check out more TIFUs: Internet`s best fuck ups are here.

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Today, I fucked up... and made a fool of myself like never before

This morning I was in the elevator of my building and I made a serious fool of myself.

I got in the elevator and at the same time entered a very hefty and shady man with a bulldog. He seriously looked like a killer, 6'3 at least, all dressed up in black, shaved head and tattoos … A little bit stressed out, I obey instantly and jump on the floor when he tells me curtly: “ Sit down ”.

He was speaking to his dog and laughed his ass off during the ten remaining floors.

It was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my entire life!

Check out more TIFUs: Internet`s best fuck ups are here.

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Today, I fucked up... by saving my husband

I once thought my husband was falling out of bed, so I grabbed him tenderly, cuddled into him and sweetly said “It’s okay darling, I’ve got you…”

That’s what half-asleep-me thought I was doing, anyway. In reality, I threw my palm onto his face like the Facehugger alien and screamed incoherently into his ear.

Also, he wasn’t falling out of bed.

Check out more TIFUs: Internet`s best fuck ups are here.

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Today, I fucked up... by peeing too hard

I had a meeting at work today. There were about 30 people in the meeting, and it was very important. It was only supposed to last 1-2 hours, but it went way over time. 3 hours after the meeting started, I really had to pee. But seeing as it was already an hour over time, I was confident I could hold it till the meeting was over. No one else had gotten up since the meeting started, and seeing as I’ve only been employed there for less than a month, I wasn’t going to be the first one to do so.

After 4 hours, my bladder was about to explode. I battled myself mentally, trying to convince myself to just go pee, while the other half of me didn’t want to make a bad impression this early in my career. Right as I was about to jump up and just go for it, they wrapped up the meeting. As soon as they dismissed, I jumped from my seat and ran straight to the bathroom.

I started unzipping before i had barely made it into the bathroom, and I was already peeing 2 steps from the urinal. I settled in at the urinal and unleashed a fire-hydrant load of urine. Apparently I wasn’t the only one who had to use the restroom, because there were more and more people coming in and using the toilets or standing along the wall behind me, waiting for the urinal to open up.

Not wanting to stand there and pee forever, I tensed up by bladder, peeing as hard and as fast as I could. I guess when you do this you also hold your breath. Either way, I pushed way too hard, for way too long. I started getting really light headed and lost my balance. I took 2 steps back and passed out, falling straight on my back. I was probably only passed out in the floor for less than 5 seconds, but that was plenty enough time for about 10 of my coworkers to see me stumble back, fall in the floor with my dick hanging out of my pants, and then piss into the air like an angel statue in a park all over myself and the floor. I’m not sure I can show my face there tomorrow.

Tl;dr Tried to pee too hard, showed my dick to my coworkers, and pissed all over myself.

Check out more TIFUs: Internet`s best fuck ups are here.

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Today, I fucked up... by pranking my wife

So I have been setting this prank up for about 3 weeks now, but unfortunately the fruits of my labor came to fruition yesterday. All for the best I guess.

Background: My wife and I are very healthy and we eat the same thing for breakfast every day, well maybe a solid 350 days a year. It is egg whites and toast. It has got to the point that if I don’t eat this for breakfast my entire day feels “off.” I put salsa on my eggs while she uses ketchup and she has to have ketchup or else she will not eat breakfast. We have a backup bottle or two in the pantry just in case she runs out.

3 weeks ago: I notice that her bottle is running pretty low and she has to actively shake the bottle to get the last remnants out. We are pretty earth conscious as well, so nothing goes to waste, use until the last drop! There is still just enough left in the bottle that I can tell she is thinking that she shouldn’t recycle it just yet and puts it back into the fridge. I notice this thought process going on in her head and decide I should mess with her. Once we finish up breakfast she goes to get ready. I take one of the full bottles of ketchup and add just enough to the almost empty bottle so that she will have the amount needed for breakfast the next day. Breakfast the next day rolls around and she does the same thing adds ketchup to her breakfast and decides there is just enough to save and puts it back in the fridge. I again refill the bottle with just enough for the next day. I should also mention that she is short, I hid the refill bottle at the top of the pantry so she could not see that it had been opened and used.

2 weeks ago: After 7 days slyly watching her add ketchup to her breakfast I can begin to see an intrigued look on her face when she is prepping her breakfast. She doesn’t say anything, but you can tell she has taken notice of the bottle. This goes on for another 7 days.

1 week ago: Breakfast continues to go off without a hitch and every time she adds the ketchup to her breakfast she gets a little twinkle in her eye, like she really really wants to say something about it, but doesn’t want me to make fun of her being crazy and thinking the ketchup bottle is never ending. To the point that she will look at me, start to say something and then stop herself change the subject and put the bottle away. I have never looked forward to breakfast so much in my entire life!

All this week: She is on the verge of saying something everyday. Its becoming hard to not laugh while watching her add the ketchup to her eggs, but I am laughing hysterically on the inside. At this point I have used roughly a half bottle of ketchup refilling the other one. This is all I can imagine when watching her

Yesterday: She adds ketchup to her breakfast and looks me directly in the eye and dead serious says, “/myname/ we have a fucking magical ketchup bottle.” I could not control my laughter and proceed to loose my shit while she tries to explain to me how she has used the exact same bottle of ketchup for 3 weeks and it has been almost “empty” the entire time. She now thinks I am laughing because of her belief in magic and she is trying as hard as possible to convince me that she is serious and it IS magic. I proceed to go into the pantry, take out the half empty bottle of ketchup and place it on the counter. It all finally clicks in her head and at that moment the empty ketchup bottle clicked into my head, but don’t care because I made a magic ketchup bottle happen so I am essentially Jesus.

TL;DR made my wife believe we had a magic ketchup bottle, but it hurt just as much as normal bottle when flung at my face.

Check out more TIFUs: Internet`s best fuck ups are here.

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Today, I fucked up... by blowing on my food

My pasta was too hot to eat so I decided to blow on it. Then I saw my can of compressed air sitting on my desk. I now have pasta all over myself, the floor, and the walls. I am not a smart man.

Check out more TIFUs: Internet`s best fuck ups are here.

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Today, I fucked up... by farting next to my dog

So tonight the wife made Italian lasagna with garlic bread, it was delicious to the last bite. 2 large glasses of milk to wash it all down and I was ready to pass out for the night. I had just fed the puppy and she was finishing up her food as I plopped down onto the couch. 

I was laying facing towards the couch when I felt the burn and the pressure building, the compilation of smelly foods that I had devoured an hour ago was already sending it’s own “kaiju” in the Pacific rim sense, toward the portal to our world in my nether regions. Upon releasing my flatulence, I could tell it was a particularly foul smelling concoction as it literally burned when it passed through the poop shoot canal. I had not realized my dog had come over to see what the loud crack of noise was and decided on saying hello to me while she was there. I rolled over to see the final seconds of a face of complete and utter terror. I burst out laughing hilariously while apologizing to her but she was frozen in place. 

I don’t think anything could have ever prepared her for what she just had experienced. She eventually started to walk away and I rolled back over to rest and then I heard her retch. She puked everywhere on the area rug that my wife bought a few years ago. Guess she couldn’t handle the dutch oven she stuck her nose into any longer and just lost control of the dinner she just had. 

 Tldr: farted on my dog on accident, laughed hysterically, turned around, and she threw up all over the rug from what I can only determine to be the smell of halfway digested lasagna.

Check out more TIFUs: Internet`s best fuck ups are here.

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Two-handed sword that belonged to the Bavarian Prince-Elector Maximilian II, 1689.

Source: https://imgur.com/fnRPbW1