tbarnes0602

[tbarnes0602]

Sean: Hey Brother, there's an endless road to re-discover.

Tanya: Really? Where is it?

Sean: Hey Sister, Know the water's sweet but blood is thicker

Tanya: Ok….We don’t have a sister…but good to know

Sean: Ooooh if the sky comes falling down, for you

Tanya: What? The sky’s falling? I’m going to go get a helmet!

Sean: There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do

Tanya: Can I borrow some money then?

Sean: Hey Brother, do you still believe in one another?

Tanya: Umm…..I guess so

Sean: Hey Sister, do you still believe in love I wonder?

Tanya: Ok, we still don’t have a sister. But sure I believe in love.

Sean: Ooooh if the sky comes falling down, for you

Tanya: I don’t believe you on the sky falling….I have the helmet on and nothing has fallen.

Sean: There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do

Tanya: Ok, then can I have the money. I only need $20 for some gas.

Sean: What if I’m far from home?

Tanya: We are in your home, so how about you not leave it.

Sean: Oh Brother I will hear you call

Tanya: Then why didn’t you answer my phone call so I didn’t have to drive over here?

Sean: What if I lose it all?

Tanya: I don’t know, declare bankruptcy?

Sean: Oh Sister I will help you out!

Tanya: Are you trying to tell me you are dating a nun?

Sean: Ooooh if the sky comes falling down, for you,

Tanya: Enough of the sky! It isn’t falling!

Sean: There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do

Tanya: Seriously all I want is $20!

Sean: Hey Brother, there's an endless road to re-discover

Tanya: Ok, well give me the $20 and let’s go find it.

Sean: Hey Sister, do you still believe in love I wonder?

Tanya: Enough of your girlfriend! Why do I bother coming over here?

Sean: Ooooh if the sky comes falling down, for you

Tanya: What is your deal with the sky?

Sean: There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do

Tanya: Except just give me the $20 so I can leave…

Sean: Aaaaaah, What if I'm far from home?

Tanya: Use GPS and find it again. It’s on your phone.

Sean: Oh brother I will hear your call

Tanya: I wish you had heard my call, this could have been a much shorter conversation

Sean: What if I lose it all?

Tanya: How about you just not gamble if you are that worried?

Sean: Oh sister i will help out!

Tanya: How can a nun even have a boyfriend? Isn’t that against the law?

Sean: Oooh with the sky comes falling down

Tanya: That’s it I’ll walk home. Good luck with your nun! Remind me not to come over again.

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Help

Sean: 

I need somebody. Help! Not just anybody. Help! You know I need someone. Help!

Tanya: 

Hold still the knife isn’t that sharp!

Sean: 

I never needed anybody's help in any way

Tanya: 

Good, I’m almost done cutting your hair. Ooops….

Sean: 

But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured.

Tanya: 

It’s a small cut, hold still.

Sean: 

Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Tanya: 

It’s snowing out, close the doors!

Sean: 

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down.

Tanya: 

I’m trying to help you, stop being so dramatic.

Sean: 

And I do appreciate you being 'round.

Tanya: 

What did you just say??? I’m not round!

Sean: 

Help me get my feet back on the ground.

Tanya: 

Just stand up. It already stopped bleeding.

Sean: 

Won't you please, please help me?

Tanya: 

Alright fine, do you want the Mickey Mouse Band-Aid??

Sean: 

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways.

Tanya: 

Look, I’m sorry we are out of Mickey Mouse Band-Aids. The Goofy ones are just as good.

Sean: 

My independence seems to vanish in the haze.

Tanya: 

Why do you have to be so dramatic? Do you want the Minnie Mouse Band-Aid instead?

Sean: 

But every now and then I feel so insecure.

Tanya: 

You should feel insecure with that Band-Aid on your head.

Sean: 

I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Tanya: 

I am not kissing your owie.

Sean: 

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down.

Tanya: 

Yeah because I pushed you down.

Sean: 

And I do appreciate you being 'round

Tanya: 

I am not round!!!

Sean: 

Help me get my feet back on the ground

Tanya: 

No you deserve to be down there

Sean: 

Won't you please, please help me

Tanya: 

How can I shut you up about your small cut?

Sean: 

When I was younger, so much younger than today. I never needed anybody's help in any way. But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured.

Tanya: 

Because all you do is whine about small cuts and Band-Aids. If your mom had to listen to this, she would use that wooden paddle on you.

Sean: 

Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Tanya: 

Stop opening the doors! That’s it I’m getting the wooden paddle!

Sean: 

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down. And I do appreciate you being 'round. Help me get my feet back on the ground.  Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, ooh!

Tanya: 

That’s enough! (Hits Sean over the head with the paddle) There now maybe I can finally watch that lifetime movie.

[tbarnes0602]

Sean:

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Tanya:

Just go shoot it

Sean:

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

Tanya:

I’m tired, maybe in the morning

Sean:

All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise

Tanya:

No I wasn’t. I just want to sleep. Why would I want to learn to fly with a dead bird’s wings anyway?

Sean:

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Tanya:

I thought you shot it? What dead bird’s wings do you have?

Sean:

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

Tanya:

Who’s eyes are they? I think I’d like to stick with my own eyes.

Sean:

All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Tanya:

No I am waiting to go to sleep. Why do you want to talk now?

Sean:

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly, Into the light of a dark black night, blackbird fly, blackbird fly, Into the light of a dark black night, blackbird singing in the dead of night.

Tanya:

No, no more singing or flying. I’m sleeping on the couch.

Sean:

Take these broken wings and learn to fly, all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise

Tanya:

(throws pillow at Sean) Shut up and go to sleep!!!

[tbarnes0602]

Cancel

Tanya

Due to continued disruptions in service and terrible support service, I am going to have to cancel our marriage. Please let me know when you can remove your things and send a refund check.

Sean

I’m sorry… I was looking outside at the snow when you typed this… What did you say again?

Tanya

I will alert the authorities to your continued trespassing. Enjoy your night with Bubba and some soap.

Sean

I’m sorry.. there was a fly that flew by… Funny, it’s kind of cold for flies.  I wonder how he got in.  Oh no, he landed on my nose.  <swat> ouch, that hurt.  What were you saying again?

Tanya

That was Bubba that landed on your “nose”. I have a webcam watching your interaction. I’m glad you are too distracted to notice when the cops came to take you away. You also forgot to put pants on, but I’m sure they have extra in prison. But maybe you won’t need them with your new love interest.

Sean

Oh yeah, I named my fly bubba… It’s all coming back to me.  The cops actually took you away, note the IP address on the message that I received, it’s from the  police departments mail server.

Tanya

Your distractedness and constant interruption in service must be confusing you. That’s your own IP address that you are looking at and that is definitely not a fly. It is 300 pounds worth of man meat for you to distract yourself with. At least you finally have someone to hug and will hug you back. 

I changed the locks on the door and moved the house to an undisclosed location, so don’t worry about coming back.

Sean

Aren’t we all just fly’s buzzing around this world of ours?  I’m pretty sure a 300 pound man can’t just fly around the house… As far as hugging, I think it is more like coordinated, attack from the rear, arm-clenching, and backup quickly before being hit…. Or can be referred to as CAFTACABQBBH, for easier reference.

I found the location; it was across the street.  Good try, but you will have to do better than that.  The “booby” trap you placed in the front yard was obvious after I sent a random man up to the house.  He fell into a bottomless pit.  Luckily he signed the waiver I gave him first…

Tanya

I don’t need details on your new relationship. That was not our house, so I’m not sure where you think you ended up. Maybe you should be checked for Alzheimer's. I saw a picture in the paper of an old man running around in his underwear, with a pot in on his head, that looked just like you.

#bubba hug

[tbarnes0602]

Rude Husbands Anonymous

Tanya:

Good afternoon,

We heard from your lovely devoted wife that you may be in need of our services. She conveyed to us that you are unwilling to clean the dishes and ignore for more than 2 seconds. These are terrible grievances and you have no idea of the impact you are leaving on your darling wife. She has enrolled you in our Rude Husbands Anonymous program for the next 20 years. Please do not panic when you have a black bag shoved over your face and shoved into the back of a car. This is how we pick up all of our members, they seem to enjoy it. In this program you will learn how to wait on your wife hand and foot and all the other body parts you possess. You will join an exclusive program that will teach you how to automatically agree with everything your wife says and you will get a gourmet meal of what tastes like cardboard. By the end of your stay you will be the perfect husband and won’t recognize yourself after all the plastic surgery.

We look forward to removing you from the trunk of the car. Please do not look behind you.

Sincerely,

Rude Husbands Anonymous

-------

Sean:

Dear RHA club,

You say the word “lovely” when you actual meant to type “murderous”.  I have been cleaning dishes and even constructed new ones using my patented dish creating process.  The new dishes were to replace the ones that she personally chipped with her callous disregard to the “dish safety” program.  The same program that says, “dish lives matter”, which is the mantra that all dishes live by.

As much as I appreciate her enrolling me in the aforementioned “Rude Husbands Anonymous” club, I have taken the liberty of contacting the club to make some small changes.   The club has since changed its name to “Avoiding Murderous Wives Club”.  The main purpose of this club is to train its members to watch for flying knives or various weapons that may used to end their husband’s life.  It even covers “how to sleep with both eyes open” and other useful tactics so that they can continue to enjoy the world of the living.  

The program that teaches husbands to create gourmet meals for their wives is now a program to check for any ingredients that may pose a threat to their lives.  Ingredients such as rusty razor blades that our carefully disguised as tomato slices, are now no match to the observant husband’s eye.

The last part of the program covers the plastic surgery but only as a disguise so that the wife doesn’t recognize the man she plots to murder.  Relationships can be started anew and hopefully without future murder plans.

Sincerely, Men lives DO matter and they don’t deserve to be treated badly by being bagged and thrown into a trunk, especially the trunk of a rusty beater.

Tanya:

Dear Bald Men Lives Don’t Matter,

We received your phone call and are not sure why you e-mailed us about the changes to our own program. We have since called the Insane Asylum agreeing that there is nothing that can be done with you. We took into consideration your ideas for our program and have unanimously rejected them and since added more security measures. We now require masks duct taped to our patients mouths and yard sticks to measure six feet of distance. We also have made padded rooms mandatory and now have a new anti-stress room for wives of our patients. In this room we strap husbands of the said wives to the wall and allow their wives to throw whatever they like at the said husbands. We have found this preserves the lives of those hard working wives and has allowed more life insurance plans to be cashed in. We would like to thank you for giving us this wonderful idea. We have sent you a complimentary cop to arrest you and a coupon to try out our program when you are insanity free. Please do not come before you have fully recovered so our other patients don’t catch it.

Sincerely,

Wives Lives Matter More

Sean:

Thanks for your correspondence, your message has been sent to our SPAM box.   Nobody will read it and it will soon be automatically deleted forever.   If it were read, I think the response would have been something of this nature:

I have contacted the Insane Asylum and they agreed to change their name to something more politically correct.  It will not be referred to as the “Permanently Out to Lunch Club”.  The POTLC has instructed me to instruct you to instruct your people to instruct yourself again, that they will not be admitting Sean into their facility.  Instead, they will be promoting him to king of the world where he hereby declares that the rest of this year, men will not need to wear masks or prance around looking for magical vaccines.  Women are now required to wear masks so that their cooties don’t spread to other men.  Duct tape was deemed to week to properly secure the masks, so this has been changed to steel straps. The complimentary police officer came by and we had a few drinks.  I appreciate you having him stop by.  Great times!

Tanya:

FYI - Your obvious Dear Man who Obviously Does Not Understand the Spam Folder, I’m glad the insane asylum will NOT be referred to as the “Permanently Out to Lunch Club” because that means you were NOT made king. By them NOT making you king we are saved from another pandemic. Luckily I had already informed the insane asylum of your love of eating bats and then coughing on bystanders. I’m not sure why you are going to have a week of properly securing masks when you have refused to believe in the “pandemic”. The police officer is stuck in traffic so I’m not sure who you were drinking with….I have informed the insane asylum of your new friend. They suggest you should break up with this new friend and consider it harmful for everyone else’s health. We also are not sure how you could come up with a response to an e-mail that you have not read. We believe your condition is getting worse and have chosen to burn down your house with you in it to save the world. Good bye BatMan!

Sincerely, Insane Asylums against those who eat bats and cough on innocent bystanders.

#rude husbands insane asylum police

[tbarnes0602]

I didn’t reply to a text after 30 minutes...

Tanya:

Dear Sean, Ignoring your wife’s messages of hate could lead to the plague or dismemberment. Please respond to your wife or let me know which option you would prefer. I will gladly drive to Grossville to administer either option with a rusty knife. Thank you for your time, The Office of Wife Being Ignored Services

Sean:

Dear member of the office of wife being ignored services.  I wish to send you an auto-reply from the person doing the ignoring that he is not ignoring said messages and simply did not see that an attempt to “hate via text” was being made.  The “ignorer” has now replied to the “hate mail”.  If you have a complaint, please issue one at your nearest “Ignoring my wife” centers, there is one located in a town near you.  

Tanya:

The fact that you have an auto reply suggests you are ignoring your wife. She is greatly displeased by your lack of animosity in return and will be looking for ways to destroy you. (Watch the knife drawer). She is also going to take out a large life insurance policy on you ( nothing to worry about). She will also be giving you a large bowl of pudding for dinner, yumm!  Sincerely, The office of wife being ignored services.

Sean:

This is an automatic auto systematic message.  Our system detected that some type of message is being sent.  It is not sure about the exact details of the message but the “wife wants to murder you” detectors are blaring loudly.  This system has sent a message to the intended recipient and the message has been flagged with “ever so slightly above average urgency”.  If we get a reply (the odds are 1 and 10000000 against), this system will relay this message to you.  Sincerely, Automated System AT45EH

Tanya:

This automatic answering service seems very sus. It should be careful that someone doesn’t vent behind them. Make sure they at least tell the intended recipient to eat all of their pudding and sign the papers. The wife also saw you with your secretary last night. She wants to know why you have lip gloss now. Sincerely, Don’t watch your back services (Note that we switched companies)

Sean:

Please be informed that this is an automated reply system and not a living breathing human being.   This system has accepted your message and has begun the “slightly care about what the email says” process.   Error! Error!  Cannot decipher idle threats of infidelity, system will be shutting down shortly, or more approximately in 30 seconds.    Note, during the shut down sequence, pudding will not be consumed or digested, besides, computer systems cannot eat pudding. Initiating back watching services… 3, 2, 1 online.. Over and  out.

Tanya:

I regret to inform you that your automated system had their neck twisted around in an impossible angle by someone named the “Imposter” who decided to vent while their back was turned. If you would like to file an insurance claim, you can send it to 1234 Give it up lane. In the meantime, please enjoy this lovely pudding and sign these randomly generated life insurance forms. Oh and your soon to be ex wife wants to tell you that you look extremely sickly today and maybe you should order a coffin. Sincerely, You’re a Gonner.com

Sean:

This automated system is shut down and not in a condition suitable for response to threatening emails. Also, if this system was equipped with a humor sensor, it would have overloaded it’s humor processing banks.  Normally, this system is programmed to utter a noise that closely resembles a dying calf (this is the best laughing sound we have been able to come up with) but now, in it’s given state, can only type three little letters…. L O L  <computer shutting off noise>

#responsetime ignoringwife

[tbarnes0602]

[tbarnes0602]

Cold Season

Last year we had the joy of having the flu for a month straight. We all caught it except my oldest son, not sure how he did it. My husband also caught strep throat right after. We also had a month of pink eye the year before. My kids caught it twice and had a stronger case of it. This year I have decided to be more proactive to save my sanity. So, this year I bought an immunity booster drink from Arbonne and am mixing it with pomegranate juice and having any of the kids who show signs of illness drink it. I also have the disinfectant all the other house. So far, it is working, but the cold season just started…

https://embed.widencdn.net/pdf/plus/arbonne/uvjh6wz69x/6298_us_eng.pdf

[tbarnes0602]

Holidays and Divorce

Holidays are always difficult when you share custody of children. In most cases you switch who has the children for the holiday each year. Thankfully for us we were able to have the holidays line up for the kids. This means that every other year we have everyone together. I believe in traditions and with the baby we have between us I would like to keep those traditions going. However, we have become too used to not doing anything on the off years and struggle to keep those traditions going. When it was just me, it was very difficult to do anything on the holidays. I have found that you should not spend the holidays alone after a divorce because it can be very depressing. Now I try to focus on the holidays I do have the children and on some holidays me and my ex husband both spend the holiday with the children. Happy Thanksgiving everyone and make sure to enjoy every minute of it!

[tbarnes0602]

Hello!

I am the mother of five kids varying in age from a toddler to two teenagers. Me and my husband blended our families about three and half years ago. It was not an easy task as his twin teenagers were not used to rules and stability. We have learned a lot in the last few years and I am hoping to impart some words of wisdom on parenting with others. My two children went to a preschool that involved a lot of parent participation and included parenting classes. Those classes came in very handy when we combined our families and I don’t know that we would have made it without them. Unfortunately, there was not much on handling blended families or divorce. We have had ups and downs with our ex-spouses, but always put the kids and their needs first. It is not easy at all and takes a lot of work, but neither of us would change a thing. Being a parent in general is very demanding and with our additional challenges it has been even more so. However, when we are all sitting around the dinner table and the children are laughing and playing it is worth it. I would like to end this first blog with a quote: “Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.” –Anne Frank.