temporarilyunavailable97

[temporarilyunavailable97]

The poem that started it all

I’m sorry

I say gently as I run my fingers through your hair

Your eyes are closed, your head tilted ever so slightly backward

“Why?” you ask lazily as you open your eyes just enough for them to meet mine

I don’t know, just a whisper, as I run my hand up and down your neck

This happens a few more times as the minutes stretch on

You are practically asleep as my fingers dance melodically through your curls

My eyes follow my fingers and end up back on your face

I’m glad you can’t see how soft my expression must be

How my eyes study your jaw, with its slightly stubbly surface

then up your hairline to your forehead as it droops forward while you fight your sleep

Your eyes flick open and you look at me

You could have talked but I would only have heard the color of green your eyes were as they looked at me

I can’t help but wonder if you are studying too or if you are merely watching the way I try to appear normal.

Unbothered.

Can you tell that I’m thinking about how nice it would be to fix myself under your chin,

my head resting on your shoulder?

You asked earlier if I minded our shoulders touching.

Little did you know you are the only person I really want to occupy that space.

I’m sorry, I say again.

This time, when you ask why, I say

it’s because I keep tapping your ear as my hand runs in the fields of your curls

You mumble that it’s fine and your eyes droop closed again

I steal more glances, memorizing every feature and savoring this moment

Yes, I’m aware of how good you smell

and how unaware of just how handsome you are

When you watch me as I stare only at you, what do you see?

How does my presence beside you make you feel?

My fingers continue to dance as I feel like saying it again.

I’m sorry - just a thought this time - but I mean it.

I’m sorry that I like you

I can’t seem to hide it,

and part of me doesn’t want to.

Just like how my arm is growing tired,

but I don’t dare to stop.

I remind you a few times that you should go soon,

not because I want you to leave - but because I want to appear like you being here isn’t the thing I look forward to most

I wish I could quit wanting to say sorry

But it feels wrong of me to sit here,

stealing glances at you while you half sleep on my couch, In my apartment, while my hands continue to distract your mind so that you won’t notice the affection in my eyes.

So that you won’t see the longing my heart leaves just behind the glass windows of my soul.

I’m sorry, I think.

Because you just left her, and you didn’t ask for this.

- Temp

March 6, 2019 2:17 am

————————————

I wrote this after he came over and stayed pretty late one night. We laughed, joked, watched movies and I played with his hair while trying to not seem too infatuated. I loved it. And soon after, I loved him. Love comes so fast sometimes that you don’t even realize you’re infected until it takes pieces of your heart, lungs, brain, and soul with it.

A part of my heart will never beat the same

The air in my lungs will stiffle at his name

My brain will untangle as much as it can

From the boy whom my soul thought would always be our man

- Temp

August 12, 2019 12:34 pm

I’m closing this chapter now.

I’ve said all of the things I wanted to say, and given away all of the things I was holding so tight.

Here’s to hopefully being completely okay again.

I’m lightyears better than before, and it doesn’t bother me too often now. I’ve gone on dates, kissed somebody new, and discovered that some feelings might return when the time is right - but for someone else.

I look forward to finding out who, someday.

But for now, I’m just gonna sit back and consider myself worth the wait. Because I am. And so is whomever I’m meant to find.

I love you.

Goodbye

[temporarilyunavailable97]

Some couplets for ya

——————————————————————————

I thought you were the one who’d love me forever

But holding onto you was a hopeless endeavor

You made the right choice, although I didn’t react well

I realize our relationship had already crumbled, leaving nothing but a broken shell

-Temp

January 21, 2020 12:43 am

[temporarilyunavailable97]

The jar

It was us. 2 little plants in a jar.

A cute, quaint jar.

2 resilient little plants.

Then, sadness.

I quit tending to us - those little plants.

Someone else cared for them, watered them, ensured they got sunshine or time under the light.

But then, it was time to step up. To take care of us myself.

And... I couldn’t.

I didn’t really get to try.

The jar in which we were nestled so tightly slipped to the ground.

The noise.

The shards.

Shattered.

It all. Just.. Shattered..

So I set what remained on a counter, other remnants tucked in a box.

Every day I saw us sitting there.

Growing weaker, turning paler.

Every now and then I would remind myself - we needed to be repotted.

We needed somewhere stable.

We couldn’t survive like this forever.

And that’s all we did.

Die slowly.

Occasionally I would feel overwhelmed by my lack of caring after us and I would douse our soil in water. It ran off the sides of what remained of the jar’s base.

We barely got any of it.

And we got no light.

We were starving. Barely holding our tops up, gravity pulling our stocks further and further down and we slowly withered away.

There was no true care put into making us better or sustaining ourselves.

After all this time, I still wasn’t sure if I wanted us to live or if I would be happier to let us die.

I just ignored the question and let us continue dying.

Apathy would be an interesting cause of death.

But today, as I looked at our sad husks on the counter. I couldn’t deny my will for us to live.

I immediately went and grabbed a pot that had been empty the whole month I’ve been watching us die.

I gave us a new start.

It wasn’t glamorous, but it was safe.

I gave us water and sat us where the natural light would hit us.

I really hope we don’t die.

I just decided living is really worth it.

- Temp

January 17, 2020 5:23 pm

[temporarilyunavailable97]

Okay

Don’t catch no feelings, cause that shit is deadly

She has all these regrets tied up in her memory

She fell in love with that boy much much too quickly

And when it all ended her life got so messy

Because her normal no longer existed

And nothing felt fine, cause her whole life was twisted

——————————————————————————

Still got her degree but it doesn’t matter

She left with her heart even though it was shattered

She thought he was worth it but should have known better

Cause now she’s been broke since the moment he left her

- Temp

January 7, 2020 11:08 pm

[temporarilyunavailable97]

Think about the fact that your mama still loves me

Remember there’s a God around whose always right above me

——————————————————————————

I’m the kind of girl that you take home to your mother

The type of girl you show your friends and say wow yeah I got her

I’m the girl you’re glad to have and thankful to God for

Cause I’m the girl who’ll love you better, always and forever more.

- Temp

December 25, 2019 11:50 pm

(Because even Christmas isn’t immune to depression)

[temporarilyunavailable97]

Well

It’ll be 3 months tomorrow

Honestly, I’m pretty okay.

Too much has happened of far greater importance for you to be a focus of mine.

But here’s how it all plays out at this point:

I don’t like the {S} girl. She makes me sick to my stomach if I’m being honest.

At least {K} was sweet.

I wonder what your parents will think of her.

I hate how awkward it feels for me to think about your family or even talk to them.

Funny, I still remember your snapchat password. Sometimes I think about invading your privacy. But it would be wrong, counterproductive, and honestly probably just leave me hurt.

I don’t miss dating you really. I miss being able to enjoy the things about you. I miss the nice feeling I got when I looked at pictures and knew you were mine. I miss the way you would smile so much your jaw hurt when we were together.

I miss being comfortable around you and I miss being important to you. I don’t need to be the most important, but oh man, meaning nothing to you still sucks.

I wished you could have held me yesterday, but really I just wanted someone to hold me, not necessarily you really.

It keeps occurring to me that it’s been about a year since things started to move into place for us to get together.

Not sure how to feel about that one.

I wish you’d go to a different church.

I can find people attractive finally. Woo.

I think that sums it up. Have a good night.

- Temp

December 21, 2019 4:40 am

———————————————

I often typed out conversations that were never actually going to happen, just to feel like I had said what I wanted to say

[temporarilyunavailable97]

Grown enough to miss me

It’s another lonely night

I’m starin at the light outsiiiide the window

I’m thinking about what we had

And all the times i got to pull you close

But now those times are gone

The feelings that once had been so strong

Now no longer what I feel for you

But when it gets hard I think of this truth

One day you’ll be grown enough to miss me

And you’ll long to come and kiss me

Wonder if you can get me back

But knowing the time for our love is past

Yeah you’ll probably tell those friends you have

That it’s nothin’, you’re just feelin sad

Maybe it’ll burn just like this whiskey

When you’ve grown enough to miss me

I hear that song on the radio

One that i sang with you so long ago, in your car

I think back to those late nights

Where we’d pass the time riding in the dark

I let it play out and die

One single tear escapes my eye

But I smile at the memory

As once again the thought hits me

One day you’ll be grown enough to miss me

Think about the times you kissed me

Wonder where we’d be if you’d’ve stayed

But knowing we had to go our separate ways

And if you mention me to your family

Perhaps say, “yeah, she was good to me”

Get quiet as you wonder what we could be

When you’ve grown enough to miss me

- Temp

December 6, 2019 2:33 am

——————————————

Perhaps the cringiest part of my sadness was being upset at almost 3 in the morning and spontaneously writing a country song 🙃

Yes, it has a melody and everything.

Oof.

[temporarilyunavailable97]

We didn’t think of the same side as the soft one

But it was enough for me

- Temp

November 28, 2019 2:25 am

[temporarilyunavailable97]

As they die, they fall, scattered and separated by the winds of change

Circulating this way and that

Tossed around without regard of where they came from or who they were before

I join them today

...At least in death they are still regarded as beautiful

- Temp

November 20, 2019 12:02 pm

[temporarilyunavailable97]

The words

You said you’d grow old with me

But then you changed and I can’t stand it

Did you forget that I’ve got a thing called emotions?

You left me feeling completely alone in every crowded room.

Did you leave me as just another fake, fucked up lost cause?

I had gotten used to being someone you loved

But I let you make me make a fool of myself

And now this house is haunted, and you’re just make believe

It wouldn’t be so bad, but you're the best I ever had

But if I’d faltered, well at least it would have been my mistake

At least then I would have someone to blame

Like, what am I s’posed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re okay?

For a long time you were good to me, but ultimately you were too young to feel somethin’ real.

And when I asked if you wanted it bad or were just comfortable

I realized I was hoping when I asked you’d lie to me

And thus I was the newest member of the broken hearts club

If I could I would feel nothin, and yet

God I wish you would hold me, cause I’m fragile

See there was nothing that I wouldn’t do to make you feel my love but

Loving you was sunshine, then it poured and I lost so much more than my senses.

I had never known a love like this

And I wanted to spend forever like that

Which is why You are my no sleep, cried for weeks type of ex.

And now all of my emotions are tangled up in you

And I know we said we’d just be friends but bottom line is i still love you and I hate this

If I could’ve seen where I’d land I would have never fallen for you

And I can’t carry this anymore, I’m heavy from the hurt inside my veins

So while I love you more than you will ever know

I wish that I could wake up with Amnesia

And forget about the stupid little things.

Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you

And the memories that nothing can escape

Cuz I’m not fine at all

- Temp

November 13, 2019 2:37 am

————————————

This was a a conglomeration of 1-2 lines from each song (5 for the last song because it hit the hardest) I overly identified with in those months following. None of them are my original content, my own spin was merely the way they were arranged. They’re all good songs and I highly recommend them for sad boi hours anytime.

[temporarilyunavailable97]

Since I’m not allowed to love you

I’m not sure how to breathe the right way anymore

How to sing songs that only spark up the ashes with flashes of red hot memory as if I needed another reason to think of you

It’s been nearly two months but the Attention you always give to that breath caught me off guard when I heard it in my car today

The radio betrayed me.

As I passed by a place we never went together - except the time we tried to tell our church friends we were dating only for no one that didn’t already know to show up - and looked at the time only to be blinded in my rearview by a conversation we shared with your brother the night we all first hung out.

My almost little brother.

How is it that I’m supposed to go about my life with these constant reminders that I once was promised the happiest future I could imagine only now to see it as the unhappiest of lies I’ve ever been foolish enough to believe?

I still want to. I’m not sure how to not want to.

But I’m not allowed to love you anymore. And you don’t love me and haven’t for awhile. My brain zips around floating on the idea that maybe in the future you grow up and chase after me. Because I know you still find me beautiful, and you said yourself that my sense of humor is great. But I have to pop that bubble and watch as the clouds move on until the sky is clear, no longer filled with the airy thoughts of a happy future with you.

I desperately wish you hadn’t stopped.

I wish I were allowed to love you still.

- Temp

November 13, 2019 2:06 am

[temporarilyunavailable97]

Today

Today, I love you.

I want to hold you

Pull you close and hug you tight

I want to run away from you as you chase me with a fake spider

I want to squeal as you run the stupid way you always do

And giggle so hard I cough as I finally give up and you reveal empty hands

I want to laugh as I say that I hate you

You laugh the deep laugh that I love so much

And I just look at you, heart glowing and warm because that’s how you always made me feel

But instead,

Today you came up to my table and just seeing you made me anxious

You talked to everyone

They talked back - not much, just a bit.

We all carried on as you walked away

And my eyes had followed you since you had walked in

But they couldn’t bare to watch you leave

I feel empty every time I watch you at all

There are only 2 people that fill me back up at all, and I’m not sure why one does.

But literally all I want is for you to not have stopped loving me

For you to realize that you still do

That you care

That you’ll never find another like me

That you were TELLING THE TRUTH all those times you said you wanted forever.

That you’ll never be in another relationship that felt the way we did together.

I so desperately want you to realize just how much we were.

How sweet, honest and real it was.

At least to me.

And to you for a small while.

My mother told me that next time I shouldn’t fall so hard so fast.

I tried not to fall in love with you

With your smile

Your laugh

Those eyes

The hair, jaw

Or the puns

The sense of humor

The twinkle in your eyes as you talked about nerdy things

The way you LOVE movies

The amount of care you take with your popcorn

Your choice in dogs

The way you are with children

No - you weren’t perfect

Yes - your flaws were major, many, and important

But I loved you just the same

I still do.

Despite being so much more able to recognize how bad it was.

How much you need to grow up

All of it.

Yet I can’t stop loving you yet.

At times, it feels like I never will.

Like I’ll have to carry you in my front pocket for the rest of my life -

Just a reminder that I can fully love someone who doesn’t deserve that love, and who honestly never returned it.

That’s really sad isn’t it.

That you never truly returned my love.

And that you made me the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.

That’s the sad part.

Or perhaps, the saddest part is loving you despite how much you’ve hurt me over the past month and a week.

Whatever it may be

I wish it would just be over.

- Temp

November 1, 2019 1:38 am

[temporarilyunavailable97]

On a Sunday Morning

Tomorrow I’ll walk in

Smile

Pretend I’m fine

I’m

Fine

“I’m fine”

I’ll breathe.

Listen to my heels click

Click click click

Pavement

Tile

Carpet

Tile

Carpet

Empty. So empty.

Don’t panic.

Please don’t panic.

Be kind to yourself

Don’t

Look

Behind you.

Don’t glance over

Pretend everything is fine.

That you are fine.

You are fine.

Freaking Out

Internally collapsing

Nearing your limit

Exceptionally... lost.

Redefined, defined at all?

Pencil not pressed to hard but instead

A faint trail that seems to stop in places because you forgot you were supposed to be writing something..

No markings

No scars

No bruises or cuts or wounds or

ANYTHING

That disfigures the surface.

So no-one can see.

No one will know.

The shrapnel inside just burrows deeper

Following a path he carved to your heart but instead of gliding it drills through

Etching a jagged and painful reminder that he...

He will always be there in your heart

Waiting -

In memories you called precious

In the way you hear people laugh

In the songs that sometimes come up

In the things you used to enjoy

In the seat he used to occupy next to you

In the empty cup you don’t want to throw away

What if you want more

It’s not really up to you, is it?

Or are we simply talking about early Sunday morning coffee.

- Temp

October 13, 2019 2:56 am

[temporarilyunavailable97]

Even on my best days

I miss you

-Temp

October 11, 2019 1:06 am

[temporarilyunavailable97]

I’ll eventually be okay

I’m just not there yet

Like how I didn’t know I’d love you

Whenever we first met

See that grew over time

What can I say, you’re my type

It’s not my fault you were the one person

To make loving someone feel right

I bottled my feelings

And left them on a shelf

Thinking if they stayed in their jar

I could remain fine by myself

But you knocked that shelf over

And off came the lid

All the emotions flooded out

From where once they had hid

And These inklings, they grew

Until my longing did consume me

And when you were mine

The jar lay completely empty

A seemingly innocent reminder

Of how our romance came to be

Now but an abandoned vessel

Collecting dust and sad memories

See, you fit right into the you sized whole

My heart had been trying to fill

And although we may not have been perfect

I knew on the worst days you loved me still

Or so I thought.

I guess I was wrong.

Because in the end you’re feelings ran out

And mine were far from gone.

I didn’t mean to love you

As much as I did, well, do

But when people said to be careful

I didn’t think they were talking about you

I let my guard down

Left my heart unprotected

And when you let it go

My whole world was affected

All my normals are wrong

All my instincts aren’t permitted

I can’t even look at you

Without feeling a crime’s been committed

Each glance, no longer allowed

Every touch draining my strength

To uphold the façade

I’ve got to keep you at arms length

But still that is too close

And simultaneously too far

Because I’ll never get over you

Until I manage to shatter this jar

- Temp

October 1, 2019 1:05 am

[temporarilyunavailable97]

How I long to be happy

How I long to be fine

How I wish I were okay

How I wish you were mine

Though the last one’s a lie

Though at once it was true

Though I can’t help but wonder

For you might wonder too

How I long for an answer

How I long for some lie

How I wish you still loved me

How I wish you had tried

Though the last breathe’s been taken

Though at once we saw no end

Though I can’t accept it’s over

For you might love again

- Temp

October 1, 2019 12:32 am

[temporarilyunavailable97]

I forgot to stay solid

Forgot to upkeep these walls

They were my protection

They hid all my flaws

But I let you in

A fool’s heart to blame

Because now my heart clenches

At the sound of your name

I wish I could look

In your general direction

Without feeling a desire

That now needs correction

Those impulses to touch you

To pull you close, dear,

They’re no longer right

But they still want you here

Still want you to hold me

To whisper you care

Instead you look through me

As if no one was there

Your touch is so empty

And so is my heart

I guess that’s what happens

When Love tears you apart

-Temp

October 1, 2019 12:25 am