tenderfeet-blog

[tenderfeet-blog]

16 May 2019.

One of those days everything just gets super overwhleming, and you don’t know who else to turn to, but yourself. At the end of the day, it’s always you who picks yourself back up, ain’t it? Just like how it’s mostly you who destroys yourself inside.

Just feel very upset over people and how things are and how ugly the truth is sometimes…. How different a person is from you.. And how you start to believe that there isn’t that one person who is right for you, who is matching up to your frequency and level… I really don’t think there is. Once again, I’m just disappointed by people and I just want to get away from the people whom I know.

Maybe exchange would be something to look forward to, as much as it’s a scary thought as well. But I’ll be alright, like I always will.

[tenderfeet-blog]

26 April 2019.

So year 3 has came to an end... Time is surely passing super quickly since year 3 happened, and it’s only going to go even faster from here. 

This sem has been such a roller coaster ride; emotionally, mentally. Dealing with a heartbreak, getting myself out of it, and slowly gaining back my confidence and sanity. Can say within this short period of time, I’ve learnt to be alot more confident of myself, and it’s rooted from the positive mind that I’m trying to cultivate. I discovered how having faith and being positive about the future are really so essential in keeping one going. 

My heart... is just really full. I take a look at the things around me and the people I have around me, and I’m just really thankful. I am indeed too blessed to be stressed. Although feeling stressed is inevitable at times, I will tell myself that I’m able to get through it, and I should not let the people who love me (and those I love) down. 

Recently I’ve taken a huge step in deciding to go for exchange next semester.. and I’m kinda doing it alone, going there without knowing any friends and all. Really not sure how that would work, but this 4 months trip is going to be focused on soul-searching, learning to be independent and self-reliant, putting my communication and socialization skills that I’ve been training myself in to use, meeting new friends and generally just growing from this whole process. I’m foreseeing that the first month would be the toughest, but I’m willing to challenge myself in it. Staying in my own comfort zone is going to kill me, and the only way I can improve is to get out of it. So that’s what I am going to do. This has been a really big decision for me (though it may seemingly be small for some people) but yeah, thought through it for a long time and reasoning things out in my head for a while now. I just hope everything all goes smoothly and fine.

But yea prior to this, I’ll be going through an internship. Will also be looking forward to this new journey. I’m kinda proud of myself for having to push myself to take up new and different things throughout the semester, asides from going through just my usual curriculum in school; this was probably something that was different about this semester. Well done, fran, well done. The rest of 2019 has pretty much been planned out and I just have to go through with it; and I’m anticipating to. New adventures ahead! 

Looking back... oh, how much my mind has grown. The old me would be so much more negative about what’s in store; wouldn’t be imagining getting out of my own comfort zone and being alone. To add on, I’ve become a person who tries to socialize with people as much as I possibly can; and genuinely enjoying the company of friends and being open to meeting new people too. 

Did not have much confidence in myself before, but I’ve learnt that if I don’t have confidence in myself, nobody else would have; if I don’t fight for things for myself, nobody else would; if I do not stand up for what I want, nobody else would; if I don’t voice out, nobody else is going to do that for me; and it is nobody’s right to take the wheel and decide how I should live, because this life is mine and ultimately my choice to do what is deemed fit and good for me. so it’s time to start taking good care of myself... because I am capable of doing so, and much more than I think I am. The future may be bleak but the ambiguity can be exciting too and I am truly looking forward to what’s in store. 

[tenderfeet-blog]

26 February 2019.

I really don’t know what I’m feeling right now but I know it’s just all kinds of different spectrum of emotions coming at me all at once

At one spectrum I’m thinking about how maybe it’s better to let people think I’m alright and doing well and how maybe it’s better that people only just see the good sides of my life and that maybe it’s better if I just shut up about things I’m feeling because let’s be real do people even want to hear one go on about the same thing again? Some days I truly believe that I’m doing much better but sometimes I really don’t know if I am and I don’t know if doing this filtering thing that I’m constantly doing is actually more detrimental or if facing it face front instead will help me in truly letting go

At another spectrum I’m thinking about how my heart feels so full from the people I have in my life who knows the mess that I am but stayed with me and how comforting it is to know that there are people who feels just as dead inside as I do yet still going on with life and also I’m so grateful for all the love I am receiving or have received despite being undeserving but then again I also know I deserve being loved just as much as any other person out there do u feel this conflict I’m having

I don’t know if it’s because the death anniversary is approaching which is why I’m feeling this way but all I know is my mind is in a mess right now but I will be ok like I always will

[tenderfeet-blog]

24 December 2018

1:37 a.m.

It’s Christmas Eve. 2018 is finally coming to an end. 

Felt like so many things have changed within the past few months... It’s like every quarter of the year consisted of its own series of changes. Sigh. I’m not too sure whether some changes were good or. 

Questioned so many things in my life... Had a couple of reflective time with myself. Why is it that I feel more and more distant from my own group of close friends? It seems like I am just not seeing the same viewpoint as them anymore and the frequency is getting too varied. It just feels pretty toxic, or maybe I’m the toxin to them. Is it true that this is going to inevitably happen overtime? Especially when life begins to get in the way.... 

I don’t know, it’s like I don’t get mad when I talk to other groups of friends but just this one that I’m supposedly close to. Maybe it’s just how I feel about being in the group.... Like we didn’t exactly get closer because we liked our own personalities I guess. Our differences were mostly tolerated. 

Sigh... I kinda hate this. I hate how it’s just not the same anymore without you. 

[tenderfeet-blog]

22 October 2018

Things are just going by too quickly and I’m just going through the motions.... Going all too fast that even though i know i have no time to pause but i just really needed to take a step back to reflect. i’m feeling really overwhelmed by everything good and everything seemingly bad. but i’m doing my best to just focus on the positive and to embrace life, though sometimes i fall back to my pessimistic side of me. 

Would it still be considered enjoying life when i’m enjoying things that are toxic? Would it still be considered living life to my fullest when i’m not afraid to live my life on the edge and put my life at risk? Would it be considered bold of me when I just don’t care that much about my image? 

I feel myself changing so much in different variations and forms that sometimes i fear that i’ll lose the essence of myself. Whether it’s for the good, or for the bad, i’m not too sure. 

-

really not sure whether i’ve given up on seeing the good in guys, because all i could see are the bad in them; or whether i’m seeing all guys equally that i just cannot differentiate a good friend or someone who’s more than just a friend. my heart is not dead, or so i tell myself. i feel no sparks, my heart doesn’t flutter - so tell me, is it just i haven’t met the right one, or that my heart is truly dead? 

-

i miss you. every day. i wish you were here, i wish we could go through every semester ranting about how stupid our group mates are, how we’re struggling to meet submission deadlines and to study for our quizzes, and to eventually graduating out of this shitty hole either ways. i know it’s not that you gave up though, i know you had done your best. you will always be in my heart. 

[tenderfeet-blog]

9 September 2018.

And yet another one steps back

How everything and everyone

simply dissipates 

from the touch of my toxicity

I understand,

Just how hard I am to love

I know

I’m a storm

So I’d understand if you leave 

They all leave

eventually

anyway

And I understand 

[tenderfeet-blog]

3 September 2018

I feel like I’m about to explode with all these thoughts running through my head, I just need an outlet to express my thoughts without having to face judgment. 

I think this is the first time someone has ever expressed their feelings to me in person... And I didn’t know how to react appropriately, but I did the best that I could. There isn’t any way or anyone whom I could’ve spoken to at that point in time after it happened... I didn’t know who I could talk to about, and nobody seemed to be there somehow anyway. I know I shouldn’t feel burdened, but I do. I feel like whatever I’m going to do from now on would be held against me, so I have to be wary about what I’m doing, making sure I do not give any mixed signals. While at the same time, I can’t appear like I’m distancing myself as well, because he would’ve think that I’m doing it because of what he told me. 

What’s right and what’s not right? I don’t even know. But all I know is I’m just not ready for anything like that now. I’ve yet to sort out this mess in my head everyday, concealing it from the people I love, and putting up a mask everyday so that I appear strong. But every time when night falls, it all starts to crumble down. Is it possible to feel addicted to this kind of despair? 

Times I feel like distancing myself from people, are also times when I’d wanted someone to be there. Humans are just so complicated. There are a million things running in my mind, wanting to be heard, but yet I hesitate about speaking up about them. No courage. Don’t want to feel like I’m a bother to others. Most people do not really care, nor really empathize with the situation anyway. Don’t want to feel like I’ve owed them anything too. Why is it that I carry such a heavy heart with me everyday? 

[tenderfeet-blog]

2 May 2018.

Internship Day 1.

It’s papa’s birthday today. And also my first day I start my internship at Pap. I had mixed feelings about it, because I knew beginnings are always the worst - having to adapt to the new environment, new people. But I would say my first day was fairly good (in comparison to my previous intern place where I vividly remember working overtime on my first day at work). The people there are generally very nice too, some more friendly than others; There were also occasional awkwardness here and there but I am hoping that it gets better with time. I hope that I get the strength to be more approachable, to garner the strength to include myself in conversations, to be less awkward and stuff. Colleagues are going to be so important during this 3.5 months; I just hope that I would be able to pick up things quickly, absorb as much as I can, regain quickly from any setbacks I may have along the process, and gain as many takeaways as I possibly could during this period. 

[tenderfeet-blog]

20 April 2018.

Things I never say to the people I love, but wish I did (Part 2)

A letter to my mother:

What would I do, without the gentleness and warmth of your unconditional love. There is no way I could be where I am today, without you. Thank you for always showering me with a selfless love that nobody else in this entire universe would be able to give me. Thank you for taking such great care of me when I fall ill - I know I was a problematic sick child growing up. When I was older, thank you for being patient with my occasional temperamental personality at home, and for holding me in your embrace on my darkest days. I may get annoyed by how much you nag at me, but I know you do it because you cared about me. Thank you for being the mom whom I could poke fun at and tease; I hope you didn’t get offended by any of it, it was just my one of my ways of expressing my love. Thank you for always checking up whether I’ve taken my meals, and ensuring that I never go hungry in a day. Growing up, you were always the slightly more protective parent because you would always send me text messages whenever I’m out till late. I honestly felt restricted, and many a times I’ve pushed away social activities because I didn’t want to disappoint you or worry you. But now that I’m older, thank you for having faith and putting your trust in me in taking care of myself. The love that you have given me in this life, is something I would never be able to ever finish repaying, but I would devote the remaining of my life to give you the most comfortable life possible. There is no other woman in my life more important than you. I love you, mommy. 

A letter to my dad:

My dear mighty, wise dad. I’ve always looked up to you since I was a kid. Remember how you reprimanded me over my atrocious math grade in elementary school? I can never forget the night where I cried until my blankets were soaked, and I even asked mom, “Why does anything I do never good enough for dad?”. I think I was really pessimistic for an elementary school kid, but being hard on me that young made me a sturdy piece of block that I am today. Thank you for your years of wise lessons, always teaching me life values that were essential for the mental well-being. I guess that was why I grew to be a deep thinker, just like you. I took after many characteristics from you, Dad. Maybe that was why you were able to connect with me. But what I never took after you, was your extroverted, strong trait. You were great with people, and you are always the bigger person. I wished I had been that too. Thank you for the times you’ve made the effort to reach out to communicate with us better, making sure that we maintain a good family relationship. Thank you for always giving in to the females in our family too (aka me and mom). I remember you telling me to “Marry a guy who is better than me, if not, there is no point in marrying him. You might as well stay with me”. But Dad, I don’t think you understand; there is no way that there would be any other man better than you. Thank you for being the best dad I could ever ask for - I must’ve saved a nation in my previous life to be blessed enough to have you as my dad in this life. I love you, daddy. 

A letter to my brother:

They say that an older brother would protect his younger sister - and indeed you did. I recall during kindergarten school, there was this bully in class who constantly disturbed me and I didn’t like, so I told you about him. You told me to identify who he was the next time you came to pick me up from school with the helper I remember you looking through the window into our class, after I pointed at who the bully was, you glared at him in the eye and showed him your fist. It was hilarious, thinking about it now. That bully didn’t bother me after that day. Brother, you were a hooligan growing up, you’ve met some bad company, picked up some bad habits, and we drifted a little during your years of rebellion. I’m sorry that I hadn’t been that great of a sister, because I didn’t stick with you through those days. But now that you’re out of those days, you still stick with me. Thank you for giving me a hug when you knew about the passing of my best friend. Thank you for chasing away those cockroaches in my room late at night when mom and dad were already fast asleep. You won’t ever know but these small acts meant a lot to me. I know that I’m not the most expressive sister one can have, but thank you for still attempting to create conversations with me; I really appreciated it. I love you, brother. 

[tenderfeet-blog]

19 April 2018.

Things I never say to the people I love, but wish I did (Part 1).

A letter to K:

Thank you. Thank you for being just who you are. When I first met you in university, I occasionally got offended by the way you say or do things; but gradually overtime, I began to learn how to appreciate them. You were warm, but never explicitly showing your kindness. You were competitive, but never forgetting to leave your friends in the lurch during the process. I’ve always loved how bubbly and positive you are, because this personality of yours was often able to make me smile on my darkest days. But I also know that you have your own dark days as well. However, my friend,despite these dark days, I have absolute faith that you are a strong enough individual to get past those dark thoughts and get yourself together at the end of the day, just like you always do. I’m eternally grateful for meeting a friend like you, as much as I don’t show it. I know I’m always soppy around you guys, and I’m sorry that you guys always have to put in that extra effort for me to include me into conversations. I know I’m not great at expressing myself through physical actions, but writing has always been a better way for me to do so. As much as it seems otherwise, I really did appreciate the company of you all; it’s what keeps me going every day in school. You were made for great things, trust me when I say this. 

A letter to A:

Oh, I honestly didn’t think I’d get to even know you well, but it’s funny how things turned out in the end. With us both being introverts, I’m so thankful I got to see this side of you. You’re a comforting company to have, although you can sometimes be an irritable prick. I feel like you’re an older brother I never had, a brother who can be annoying but you know still care for you. Maybe you didn’t know, but your daily texts have made my days much more bearable, even though our conversations could revolve around random topics like life, donald trump, comedians, good looking people, dogs or music. Oh, speaking about music. I’m so thankful that we both share an interest in music. I loved sharing music with you. Thank you for being authentic and showing us the true side of you, and also accepting me for my flaws and all. I know I can be difficult pretty often, but thank you for being a friend regardless. 

A letter to X:

Aw, my sweet girl. I’m glad you were one of the first few friends I’ve made during orientation. We slept beside each other during our camp as well! Thank you for always being a genuine person. It’s really so rare to find such gems in university. I know that I can trust you with almost anything, and that you’d be willing to do anything for me in a heartbeat. I loved how honest you can be, but still ensuring that you’re not seen as anything less than empathetic. I really wish nothing but the best for you... you deserve nothing but only the goodness of this world. 

[tenderfeet-blog]

18 April 2018.

I went with K and A to visit you today, after we finished the exam of the module that we were supposed to have completed together. I broke down a little halfway while we were sitting infront of you. My heart aches from seeing the old photos of us. Never would I imagine that mourning over the loss of a love one could be this painful. I think of you every single day... and I yearn to see you again. 

[tenderfeet-blog]

1 April 2018.

Who would have ever thought that I’d encounter the death of a best friend?

Life is terribly cruel and harsh. It throws you right into the pits of hell because it wants to test your tolerance and endurance. 

It’s been a month since the incident, but it still feels all too surreal. It feels like you are just away overseas... for a very long time. My dear friend, you have never left my mind a single day since you left us. I wished there was something I could have done... I wished that I sent you off right to your door step that night... and make sure you were fine before I went back. I wished that l could have at least picked up some sort of signs that it was the last time I was ever going to see you.. I wished that there was at least something that I could do. I’m terribly sorry that I failed as a friend. 

What were the last thoughts that went through your mind, mel? Were you thinking about school, were you thinking about your family, were you thinking about all of us? 

Did you feel the arm of the grim reaper reaching out to you that night? Did you see flashes of memory right before your soul found its way out of you? 

I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. It hurts every single day.  It is so hard, having to go through everyday without you. It is hard to let go of everything that we have gone through together. It is impossible to ever forget how much you meant to me. I love you so fucking much. 

[tenderfeet-blog]

19 December 2017.

4. What is one thing you look forward to everyday? 

I think this is pretty subjective, because it reallly depends what I have planned on that particular day. If it’s a school day, the only thing I’d look forward to maybe is seeing my friends. If it’s a stay-home day, the thing I’d look forward to is food HAHAH and probably listening to music, because music’s such a huge part of my life. If I’m on vacation break and I have plans to meet someone, then that would be something I’d look forward to. So yeah, it really varies every day. 

xx

I really don’t know what I’m doing with my life now, I find no meaning and no purpose in life because I just don’t see any end point. Things are depressing and I just want to have fun. I’m actually playing, I would say, which is really bad. I need to get out of this phase as soon as I can. 

[tenderfeet-blog]

5 December 2017.

3. What would your children/ future children say they loved about you? 

I sure can never imagine myself ever being a mom; something I always tell my friends and mom is that I’ll never have children because I’m not exactly a fan of kids with their annoying behaviour, but if you insist. I hope if i ever breed a flesh and blood of my own, I really do hope I don’t make a shitty mom at least. The kind of mom I picture myself to be would be one who can either be extremely stern, or extremely kind/forgiving. I realize this is a little bit of both my own parents - my dad being the stricter parent, while my mom being the softer parent. But in all honesty, I think I would be leaning more towards the extremely soft mom; to the extent I may not be able to know how to discipline my child. Depending on the kind of personality trait that my future child possesses, he/she can either exploit this or appreciate me for this - so I would say it can be both a good and bad thing. Surely it’d be good to be able to take control over your children so that you guide them in the right direction. But one thing’s for sure, I think I’d absolutely be there for my child whenever he/she needs me,  always constantly checking up on him/her to ensure his welfare is taken care of, popping by to speak to him/her about what’s going on in his/her life. So I guess this would be something that I think my future child would love about me - the fact that I’m a concerned mom. Then again, isn’t that what all moms in this world would be? :) 

xx

On a side note, would just like to journal a snippet of my life right now because I felt the need to pen down my thoughts.

Tomorrow, I’ll be having an exam paper in the afternoon, which is my last 2 papers I have left. It has been an excruciating long wait for the end of my exams this semester, and i really mean it - extremely long wait. I literally am waiting for time to pass everyday because that was how slow time felt. Now I’m just down to 2 more days till the end of my misery (’: I just cannot wait till I hand up my final paper and know that I’ve managed to pull through it all and I can say I am worth being proud of myself. 

This period of time had been a vulnerable time for me.... I’ve done so much thinking, negativity mostly kept finding a home in my head, and I think I’ve mentally died numerous times during this whole time. Misery really loves company. I think my yearning has never been so strong before... my heart hurts so much and I’ve just been trying to conceal them all. But also in the midst of this hurting, I’ve also received love from the many others who have always loved me since a long time ago. Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate, is what everyone always says to remind yourself about. Focus on the good, instead of the bad that you have. Gratitude all the way. I’m definitely going to recognize and acknowledge those people, who’ve been there to encourage me and keep me going, and I’m going to keep them close in my life. Never ever forget the people who’ve been there for you. Once again, music had been there for me during this tough time too, just as it always has.

I’ve fallen so many times, but as long as I get back up again, I’m not a failure. I know I am capable, I just have to believe in myself and have more confidence in myself. It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible. It all begins in my own mind, my own head - ultimately life is never really a battle with anyone else, it’s a battle with yourself. So all I have to do is just to pace myself, work at my own pace and make my own progress, that’s what really matters. Always remember that. Always remember to care for yourself, take care of yourself, and focus on self-fulfillment. You are so worth it, despite the tiny negative voices you have in your head about yourself. You are so amazing, and not everyone gets to see that. You are so capable, you’re just holding back. Love yourself more. 

[tenderfeet-blog]

4 December 2017.

2. How many people do you think you’ve made smile in your life time?

Wow, I sure do hope I’ve made many people who’re important to me smile at least once before. The top 2 important people I have in my life are definitely my parents - which I’m sure I’ve made them smile numerous times. It’s hard not to when we live under the same roof, right? Well I honestly think it’d be quite hard to put an exact figure to this question, but I would say there’d be at least 15-20 people which I’m sure I’ve made smile so far in my life time. To think about it, I’m glad I was able to make them smile, even if it was just over some lame joke. 

[tenderfeet-blog]

3 December 2017.

I’ve missed this cyber space where I was able to pen my thoughts down, knowing that it’s my own safe haven. I have been so caught up with life in the past year that I’ve forgotten how enriching it feels to journal. Recently been browsing Pinterest and stumbled about self-love journal questions - which I thought, was what I probably need the most right now because I’ve been having negative vibes all in my head the past few months, I would say. Perhaps coming up to this space can somewhat allow me to release some form of stress. Hence, I would make it a point to log in here and attempt those number of journal questions I found on Pinterest and to reflect on them! 

At the top of my “Self Love through journaling” list is;

1. What is your favourite personality trait?

What a tough question to begin with, to be honest! It’s already difficult when someone asks me a question like “Name me some of your strengths”. But well, I guess my favourite personality trait about myself is my softness. To elaborate about this further, I think I tend to be inclined to be nice to everyone, as much as I can, and I easily feel bad if I feel that I didn’t do something I should have done, or unintentionally done something I shouldn’t have done. This softness could be seen as a disadvantage, I’m sure, but I guess in this harsh cold world, it’s probably one of the most human thing to be. Even though on the exterior, I have been told that I’m cold as well, but I know myself that deep down, I’m really not as hard-hearted as I look. Sure, I may have an ugly side, I may have thoughts about people I’m annoyed/ angry at, but I would never be able to bring myself to be cruel or mean or rude to anyone. Instead, I would rather bottle it up instead of lashing it out, to avoid doing things I would otherwise regret later on. You can also say that I’m someone who’d rather avoid confrontations. So yeah, this softness can indeed be an timid or bad thing to some people, but I would say it’s one of my favourite personality traits that I have. This world could use people who’re less aggressive, right? Hahaha. 

Will be back tomorrow to continue with the second question - till tomorrow! 

[tenderfeet-blog]

6 April 2017.

I began the semester with a positive mindset. To be frank, I think I’ve been really happy this semester, despite some minor down times which are bound to happen I suppose. But aside from that, I’ve always been creating positive vibes inside me - telling myself I can do this and ensuring I have self-confidence. 

The semester is coming to an end - Took 5 modules this semester; though it was inevitably stressful, I thought I was less stressful and more happy this semester in comparison with last semester. For that, I am eternally grateful. 

I’m just left with 3 more final examinations till the semester comes to a close; and I’ve recently signed up for a summer camp as a facilitator; which I’m not too sure whether I’ll be able to get into, we’ll just have to see after the interview! The summer ain’t here yet but I’m already getting into the holiday mood aaah.

More about my social life though..

I feel like sometimes I’m being used, and not being appreciated at all. Countless times I’ve told myself, “stop, stop being soft; stay away, disappear.” But I always end up giving in and being there whenever I’m needed. I was always there, but you weren’t there. You come as you please, and go as you may. Probably it’s time I learnt to be hard-hearted.. and stop letting my heart rule over my head.