tenunderwater

[tenunderwater]

I don't know what to write today. I am exhausted. I want to sleep but I can't seem to quiet my head. I had to cancel a friend date I had this evening. I just couldn't do it.

Why can't things just be easy?

[tenunderwater]

I'm not going to claim that I know what's going to happen with us. Yes, I will make friends. And I will bring people into my life that bring me joy but that's not a bad thing. You know that you'll always be special to me. And you'll always have a place in my heart.

I'm not replacing anyone.

I miss you too

[tenunderwater]

There's nothing more that I want than for you to be a part of it all. I wish impromptu coffee dates were a thing for us. I think they can be still. I'm not giving up on this, on you. I don't want you to fade away again. I think if you did I'd want to follow you where ever you go.

[tenunderwater]

I started reading a book called "This is how you lose the time war". The characters in the book are time agents of opposing factions that start writing letters to each other. I know they end up falling in love and I know this book is going to break my heart but right now it's so lovely.

It's so beautifully written and I think you should read it too. It's funny at the end of the book there is s section on book club discussions. Maybe you can suggest this book for your club.

Anyways, today was a good day. We went to get breakfast, then to Michaels, then we went to Joann's (did you know someone wrote a fanfiction about the love affair between Michael's and Joann's) then we went to out of the closet to drop off some donations. Then we went to Barnes and Nobles (I started thinking that it would have been nice to run into you there) then we went to GameStop, then we went to get ice cream. We got home and watched the game. I read my new book.

Its funny I'm thinking about how I felt during the game. Usually my anxiety is through the roof and I have to take multiple anxiety breaks to watch the game. But today it felt good. Maybe it's because I was reading, or my medication, or because this years team is actually good.

K was at her family's house this weekend celebrating her nieces birthday. Idk why that's important information to you but there's a larger narrative here and I think the background information gives context. I refrained from texting her first throughout her visit. I didn't want to be annoying. I get this way sometimes, specially with new people. I want to talk to them all the time but I don't want to be annoying and overwhelm them. So I wait for them to text me first. And she did. Every time. Idk maybe I do that because of my fear of rejection. I don't want to seem too eager to talk to someone because there is a huge chance they will not return the same level of eagerness. Idk I just want to be wanted in the same capacity and magnitude as I want to want someone.

Anyways, I looked in the mirror today and I liked who I saw.

[tenunderwater]

I wonder what we'll think many years from now when we read these posts. This site will probably be gone and then the evidence of whatever this is will be gone with it. It's comforting to know that everything ends.

I feel myself falling apart. I feel myself losing parts of me. I think I make myself busy because it reminds me that I'm still alive. And I workout because it's the one thing that I feel like I can control because I feel so out of control.

I look in the mirror and I don't recognize the person in it. I look at old pictures and I don't know that person either. I don't know who I am anymore. She looks like me, she smiles like me. But I don't know her. I don't know what she is actually like. I know that she hates herself. I know that she wants to make changes. I know that she wants to be happy one day. I know that eventually she is going to have to make a decision that she is too afraid to make. I know that she is scared of her thoughts. And I know that she is sad.

I am so tired of feeling like I have to please everyone. I need to apologize for my existence. Apologize for apologizing. K told me to stop apologizing. Her exact words were "Okay so you're gonna have to stop apologizing for no reason at all" I could hear her saying it in my head and I felt so ashamed and embarrassed and all I wanted to do was apologize even more. I don't want her to think of me this way. I feel like I'm already a nuisance in her life but I don't even know how to express that or if I should. I probably shouldn't. I need to relax. I am so desperate for this friendship to actually work that I am scared that I am going to scare her off even before it actually becomes real.

People say that apologies stop meaning anything after you say them too much. But for me, it's everything. It's acknowledging that I was in the wrong, it is acknowledging that I understand the feelings that you are going through, and it is a promise that I will do better. I don't know how else to say those things in the moment except to say that I am sorry. I know I need to learn to use my words and express honestly what I am thinking.

Today, I cleared out the raised garden beds. It took me 2 hours. If it had been a year before, that would have taken me all day and into the next day. I feel stronger, I feel like I can breathe better and I feel like my energy levels are so high. I hope to continue to do all the things that make me happy and make me feel strong.

I have a lot to work through with my therapist.

[tenunderwater]

I went to take my dog outside this morning and I looked up and saw a super bright light above the moon. I thought it was either a plane or the ISS. But usually we don't see the ISS at this time and at the location. And it was too stable to be a plane. Turns out I was looking at Jupiter. I greeted it with love. And I felt so thankful to have seen it.

I immediately thought of the song Drop of Jupiter by Train. And I had a mini concert. Perfect way to wake up honestly.

It just reminds me that little moments of joy in life can happen anywhere and at anytime. We just need to learn to recognize them and to be open to the experience. I've spent a long time running away from experiences because I was scared or because I embarrassed to be myself. But lately, I look in the mirror and I love the person that I am saying. She looks happy. I just haven't come to terms that the person I'm looking at is me.

[tenunderwater]

I love spending time with you. Even if it's an hour on a random day in the middle of the week. You said you don't look at me a certain way but you do. Maybe you aren't noticing. But you're eyes penetrate into my soul and I feel like you know everything that I am inside within those few seconds. But then you turn away and that feeling is gone.

I like when you whisper to me. It sends chills down my spine and desire down to my most intimate parts. But it doesn't feel sexual. It feels like love. And my heart hurts thinking about what could have been. But I can't keep mourning over this thing that happened so many years ago.

Last night M got mad at me because she thinks that my new friendships will make me forget her. She doesn't like how much I'm texting K and said that the amount of texting I'm doing feels like how much her and I used to text. I don't know what to say about that.

I had my first phone call with K this afternoon we spoke for an hour. I told her about what was going on with M. And she was extremely sorry that this was happening to me. Idk I feel weird share that with someone that I barely know but she's been so honest and vulnerable with me that I couldn't help but return the gesture.

She told me about what was going on with her and the girl that she likes. And it is rough. Basically she wants to date her but the girl doesn't see a relationship happening because she doesn't want to commit and wants to enjoy her freedom. That girl gave K the gf experience for 5 months with agreeing to stay exclusive and just decided one day to stop. It's so fucked up. But K wants to keep holding out a candle for her. And I don't blame her for it. I wish I had done the same all those years ago. Anyways, maybe she'll be ready to be with her one day. But time will tell.

[tenunderwater]

Something nice.

[tenunderwater]

Have you ever been gaslighted? Where you end up apologizing for something you didnt do?

Today's phrases:

1) I am feeling insecure. I am going through life changes and I'm insecure.

2) You've been really snippy with me lately. Specially today at the gym, when you sat down on the couch. It made me feel bad. I needed your help.

3) I feel like your putting up a wall.

I'm tired. And I am feeling like I'm putting up a wall. I know it bothers her to see me smiling at my phone. She's saying I'm putting out a "vibe" idk. I'm happy. I'm happy to have people to talk to and be friends with my make me feel like I'm my own person.

I'm tired of putting my self second to her needs. I'm tired of apologizing when I've don't nothing wrong.

I'm ready to do what I want to do and to feel good about it. I'm ready to be myself again.

[tenunderwater]

Decisions I made always come back to bite me in the ass. I'm tired. And I wouldn't mind just disappearing.

[tenunderwater]

My heart skips a beat when you say "I want to see you."

I know it doesn't mean anything.

[tenunderwater]

I'm 30 so it feels like it's time for my midlife crisis. I'm gonna buy a motorcycle. Well before I buy one. I'm gonna take a safety course and learn how to ride. Then I'm gonna buy a motorcycle. I'm stuck between two type a Kawasaki Vulcan S or a Honda Rebel 500. They are both beautiful bikes.

[tenunderwater]

Maybe stop trying not to talk about it. I think the best way to get through this is to talk about it. Stop trying to internalize shit cuz all you're going to do is explode.

We both know nothing is going to come from it anyways.

[tenunderwater]

Let's talk about friendship.

In my limited experience with friendship I have realized that I suck at it. Either I care too much or not at all. And I feel like I need to apologize to people for caring too much.

I am currently trying to be friends with two people. And I've only been talking with them for a few days but I already care immensely about them.

Why do I do this to myself? I feel like I'm setting myself up for disappoint. What if they don't end up liking me after meeting me? What if they end up thinking I'm a weirdo? I'm trying to be my complete and authentic self with them via text to make sure that when they meet me in person that it's not awkward. Idk. It's probably going to be awkward.

Anyways, I'm meeting Kimberly on Saturday. We are going to get coffee and walk around a farmers market. It's gonna be interesting. She's a very bubbly person but there's something there that makes me think that she's masking some sadness.

My other potential friends name is Pam. She's been really nice to talk to. Shes married to a very tall man 🤣. She's writing a sapphic romance and I asked her to let me read it and she agreed.

I wish we could be this way. And have these friendships. I am trying to get us to that point. I can't keep letting the past come back and fuck this up for us.

[tenunderwater]

I'm trouble? I'm trying to behave but the way you look at me makes it difficult.

[tenunderwater]

I don't need to hide behind strike-through text.

You're adorable.

[tenunderwater]

Sometimes I run through entire stories in my head. Multiple lives lived within the four walls of my mind. Sometimes, I like to go back in time and relive moments that carry weight to them. Moments that were so important that they forever changed me.

I try to remember everything about the moment. I start by picturing the room. And then the furniture. And the more passes I make the more detailed it gets. Then I think about the people in that space. What they were doing. What they were wearing. How my heart feels when I looked at them. Every little detail that I can remember gets displayed like a movie.

Then I just let it run. And it feels so real. Sometimes I'll replay the same bit over and over again.

Today I travelled back in time to our first kiss.

I remembered how comfortable it was to lay on your bed. It felt amazing and I could go back just to nap. Six hours across two days isn't health.

3 hours to go.