the3nd
Sight Unseen
My blood type is coffee
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Detail of Falling Cherry Blossoms, by Tatsumi Shimura, 1953, Japan.
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I look back on pictures of Sin every other day. I am so used to seeing her everyday It never stuck out to me with how rapidly she declined in her final year. Looking through the photos and video of her, it breaks my heart all over again to see the difference. She looked like she was hurting but wanted to hold on for as long as she could. A part of me is happy we let her go peacefully and another part of me will always wish I could take away the pain she had to endure just from holding on. I still miss her everyday. I will always cry about that cat for the rest of my life.
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One of my biggest regrets in life is allowing my fear to control me. Growing up my mother had always manipulated me into believing my father was a terrible person. I held my guard up so high around him. He tried so hard to get to know me and get close to me but I constantly pushed him away. I was scared of getting hurt if I allowed him into my heart. Even when he was on his death bed I acted cold and tough. I only cried once when he passed away and resumed my normal life the next day like nothing happened. Deep down it hurt me tremendously. I had a migraine for an entire year because I did not grieve properly. I later found out the truth behind everything and deeply regret not getting to know him better. From that day forward I promised myself to live my life to the fullest. To live a life he never got the chance to live. To never let my fear get in the way of doing what I want to do. I changed so much because of him and became a better person. I've always had such a deep anger towards my mother ever since. I hate how much of a coward she is. I hate how she lied to me just so she could keep me by her side despite the horrible things she had done to hurt my dad. I had such a difficult time letting it go and I knew if I continue I will also regret when it's her time to leave but I refuse to seek out therapy for it. I couldn't swallow that anger in me. However, after Sin left me, it softened my heart and my anger. I let everything go. I understand my mother only did what she did because it's all she knew to protect herself. She loves me in the only way she knows. She accepted me being gay, she accepted my wife instantly and took my anger with patience. Sin's final gift to me was to learn to let that anger go so I won't regret anymore in life. My mom cried so much for Sin. She loves that cat just as much as I did. Our love and grief for Sin bonded us. Thank you Sin. You knew how much it was eating me alive every single day. I won't live my life with another deep regret ever again. I promise to live a happier life and give other kitties a chance to happiness as well. I will always love you. I hope we can meet again someday either in the afterlife or in another lifetime. You will forever be my soul animal and we will always be bonded.
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