thedivinechimera

[thedivinechimera]

Highlights so far from I Heart Me by David Hamilton

‘When you feel you’re not enough, it makes it easier for people to take advantage of you. You give off hidden signals, according to the science of victimology.’

‘Regardless of what’s happening around you, what’s being said or how people are behaving, your brain is so used to interpreting the world in a particular way that you’ve never thought to question it. if good things are happening or nice things are being said, your assumption will be that these are one-off events or people are ‘just saying that’ or it’ll blow over you without resonating with you at all. Low self worth will even cause you to misinterpret people’s words and intentions, because your brain is trying hard to maintain the levels of chemicals it considers normal. Many people with low self-worth will go to the ends of the Earth to find the insult behind the compliment.’

‘My mum had low self esteem when I was a child and I was there when she acted out her feelings about herself, so I learned to act the same way - not because she told me this was how I should behave, simply because it was what I learned from her.’

‘Many people have learned to set completely unrealistic targets. Deep down, they eventually expect to fail, and that will return them to the level of self-worth that they’re used to feeling, retaining the brain chemistry that their brain knows best. Yet at the same time, they strive to succeed in the belief that success will bring them self worth.’

‘Today I love myself more than I’ve ever done before. I have only positive interactions with people and I carry myself with confidence and pride.’

[thedivinechimera]

Inner work 1

You might overthink a lot because:

1. You had to figure out everything on your own. 

I’m not sure how I feel about this one. I always had my parents to turn to for advice growing up, but I think they never had all of the answers so I had to draw some conclusions myself. I used to lie awake for hours every night when I was small, just to think. I used to enjoy being alone to ponder over everything. Maybe I was trying to understand everything more?

2. You didn’t grow up in a safe environment.

There were a lot of rows in my house, mostly between my mum and brother. I think there was at least one a day that would turn into screaming, shouting and crying. I would always just retreat to my room and close the door, but it would still really hurt me hearing my mum hurting. There was also a good few times my parents told me they were splitting up for good. Those times never lasted but I still remember how dark those times were. I’m not sure if that constitutes ‘unsafe’ though.

3. You were made to feel you aren’t good enough.

Most definitely. By my peers and extended family. I was never good enough to be included in most fun events. 

4. You were harshly judged for making mistakes.

I think so, by my parents but mostly by myself. There are certain incidents I remember that in hindsight were not war crimes, but I remember when my parents (mostly my dad) would reprimand me, I would go through a period of extreme guilt and remorse. I would beat myself up so much afterwards and vow to never make a poor decision again. 

5. You took on adult duties way too early in life.

I’m not sure. I suppose I’ve always felt like an equal with my parents. Ever since I was small, although it’s definitely not true, I felt I was able to carry myself in conversations. I also felt that I was oftentimes a confidant and I still feel that way now. I also went to college very young as I could not wait to get out of my hometown. Looking back, I was definitely too young.

6.You get hurt no matter how hard you try.

Sometimes I do feel I’ve given my all to certain people in an attempt to make friends and the effort is just not reciprocated. I hate when I try to be my kindest, funniest self and people still don’t have a big interest in being around me. It makes me wonder if I am just lacking in general? If I am just missing a spark. 

[thedivinechimera]

29th July 2023

I am still consumed by this. I’ve felt depressed and unmotivated. I’ve distanced myself from everyone, especially my boyfriend.

Today is slightly triggering in that I am the only person not invited to this girl’s party today. I don’t even enjoy her company, nor would I be looking forward to going if I was invited, but I feel rejected. I feel like I’m the only person not worth including, like my presence is clearly so uninspiring that it would be better off that I’m not there.

This issue with my boyfriend, coupled with this girl’s party and the fact I have to see my dying grandparents whom have never been kind to me for the first and probably last time in 8 years is making this weekend hard for me to manage.

[thedivinechimera]

28th July 2023

Spent the entire day consumed by this situation with my boyfriend.

I know it is not abnormal to be uncomfortable with your partner being friends with someone they slept with, but it seems to affect me more than it should. I’ve felt anxious; my heart has been beating all day, no appetite, headaches, everything. I have such an urge to pull away and never speak to him again. It’s not fair on him.

I don’t know where my boundaries are. I don’t trust myself to make the right decisions.

[thedivinechimera]

27th July 2023

I was feeling good today, then my boyfriend decided to trigger me. I am really glad he brought up the conversation, but it has awoken all those uncomfortable feelings I don’t like experiencing.

He told me he was thinking about going on holidays with some of his friends. That’s fine, except one of his ‘friends’ is a girl who he has slept with in the past. It makes me so uncomfortable.

I feel like he is choosing her over me. I feel abandoned. I know I will feel anxious that entire holiday and it’s not even because I think anything will happen. I’m not even sure why. It just makes me uncomfortable.

It was nice that he spoke to me beforehand to let me know the situation. But also, what am I meant to say exactly? I can’t say don’t go? I can’t hold him back from spending time with his friends…thought I find it hard to comprehend sleeping with any of my friends, how can you be just friends with someone you’ve been intimate with? Why does he need her in his life? If she’s so great and he wants to share a holiday with her then maybe he should just be with her?

This has triggered my jealousy and insecurity and I don’t know what else. It’s made me want to ignore him, to break up with him, to be hurtful. It is very hard to fight these urges to self-sabotage. I don’t know how to cope with these overwhelming feelings and I definitely don’t know how to communicate them to him.

[thedivinechimera]

I am trying to take care of myself today. I am being kind and letting my body rest. I deserve to rest.

[thedivinechimera]

Virginia Woolf, from To the Lighthouse Susan Sontag, from Reborn: Early Diaries 1947-1963

[thedivinechimera]

Grandmas were so right about puzzles and knitting and crocheting and solitaire and reading slow and slippers and baking and watching deer in the backyard send post

[thedivinechimera]

Fortesa Latifi, from The Truth About Grief.

[thedivinechimera]

[grabs your shirt] listen. listen to me. the practical is holy. the everyday is sacred. the simple act of surviving is divine. do you get it? sanctity begins at home, in the hands that build and the lives we live and the deaths we die and the worms that eat our bodies. if making something by hand is not worthy of veneration then nothing is.

[thedivinechimera]

The Earth doesn’t feel like my home anymore. I died when I got cancer. Now I’m this new species. It’s our first time here.

It’s unusual; there is hate and cruelty and a lot of rain. There are people who abuse animals, children, other people. There are good people who suffer, who suffer even when they are so kind. There are pickled onions.

But there is warmth, there are many people who really, really love me. There are puppies and sunsets and a special someone who sees me for who I am. There are fluffy towels and beaches and oceans to dive in.

I think I will stay here, just to see how it goes.

'He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.'

[thedivinechimera]

[thedivinechimera]

My brain is speeding through traffic. My clothes feel weird, they look weird. I can’t coordinate anything, it all feels wrong. My legs are dry and itchy. I’ve tidied my room but it all still looks out of place. I won’t look nice when I go on holidays. I’ve plucked my eyebrows but they still look sparse and strange. My BIAB has grown out too long. I eat well but my stomach stays bloated. I sleep for a long time but I still feel tired.

I have a lovely life but I still feel sad.

[thedivinechimera]

*through gritted teeth* you are not a child taking a test with the purpose of getting the highest score, you are an adult trying new things and finding ways to enjoy your life, make mistakes, be a beginner, be mediocre, be where you need to be, be unlikeable, just. be.

[thedivinechimera]

[thedivinechimera]

[grabs your shirt] listen. listen to me. the practical is holy. the everyday is sacred. the simple act of surviving is divine. do you get it? sanctity begins at home, in the hands that build and the lives we live and the deaths we die and the worms that eat our bodies. if making something by hand is not worthy of veneration then nothing is.

[thedivinechimera]

I’m tired of feeling so fucking crazy. Why do relationships bring out the most innate, insane orfices of my brain and turn me into this jealous, impulsive person?

Why do I get constant urges to break up? Why do I get irrationally jealous for no reason? Why do I always want to start arguments? It’s like I don’t want to be happy. It makes me feel empty and cold inside.