thefallingsociety-blog

[thefallingsociety-blog]

It feels like iam sinking in my own thoughts.

I can see you crying right there. I can see you tearing up as your over thinking starts to function. Mom i wish i could tell you how much feelings i have for you, i may seem cold, stubborn,always mad and sometimes aggressive but there is no such thing in my heart. I just show  this side of me because i dont want anyone to know how delicate and sweet iam as a person, and how scared iam to being used or made fun of this. Masculinity is a thing in my country and a "typical male" can not, in any way show his sensitive side, but how can someone hide his true being ? How can someone act something with one group of people and something else with others ? How can someone live a double life ? Don't you wonder why iam constantly pissed and sometimes furious for no reason at all ?. It's because iam hiding stuff, iam not that mean person you think iam, iam not constantly mad, iam the sweetest person you can ever know, iam the most funniest person too but whenever i try to be myself around you people i get rejected so many times that i just stop. It's hard to not be accepted in a family where you have 3 manly guys and one guy who wants to prove a point in life, who wants just to be known for who he truly is. Iam sorry that i didnt hide my feelings, its enough that i get called gay and made fun of all day by every guy there is, dont you think after a busy day, all the stuff that people called me, of all the crying i did hide through my faint smile wont effect me ? or the sorrow i held when i just go to bed and lay myself under the sheets to end everything, hoping for a better day. But you know what after what the world gave me through this day, I come home for more challenges that i get faced with, isnt it harsh for you to do that to me ? Can you feel my pain while writing this ?. No i dont think suicide is an option, it never is but i tried to fix everything, i think of everything, i try to do what i can, not make all this happen but then again it happens to the best of us. We all do pass through a lot of stuff, maybe even it all comes in at once, just it hits us through one wave but iam still not getting how to control everything thats happening to me. Yes, iam 17 and yes iam still young to have these feelings, iam even still young to over think that much but life is hard, people are harsh. Just feel me for once, society is a really tough place for anyone to fit in, it really is, and if it happens to reject someone, his life will be a real life version of hell. It kills the person inside out, it burns him in the flames of its judgment. I have passed through everything, i have suffered everything but mom, iam sorry for being me, iam sorry that i was not your favourite child, iam sorry for the time the world did wrong with me and i came and pushed all my rage on to you. Iam sorry that i said i hate you but at the same time i wanted to hug you snd cry together. Iam sorry for our economic status we're passing through, i wish i could help you in anyway. Iam sorry that my education took all your money, that my pitty life costed you a lot more than expected. And finally mom, iam sorry that dad cheated on you while you knew everything but he acted as nothing has happened, you thought he was the right man, you loved him from your heart but he disappointed you. With great sadness and tears, i hope the world can be a better place. I hope someday people can realize that words kill like a knife or a gun would. Its my first time writing, iam sorry if there is any grammar mistakes and iam sorry if i bothered anyone with my problems.