theglassishalfdreams

[theglassishalfdreams]

When you start to fall asleep while you’re studying, but then you lay down to nap and you can’t sleep.

This is one of the frustrating things about being so exhausted and sleepy all the time but somehow not being able to sleep. So I can’t be productive but I also can’t take a break. How is this supposed to work? I need to study if I want to pass my test. But I can’t stay awake right now. I hate how useless the hashis has made me.

My brain is exhausted. It actually feels inflamed. I can tell the difference between a normal headache and an inflammation headache. It sucks.

[theglassishalfdreams]

It’s weird having health anxiety and a chronic illness. 

For years I felt like something was wrong with me. I was told over and over that it was just anxiety. As if “just anxiety” was a way to dismiss what I was feeling. Anxiety alone should have been enough to warrant someone taking me seriously, because anxiety is not “just anxiety”. It’s serious on its own, but enough about that. 

Finally, by accident, I had this diagnosis. Something was actually wrong with me. It wasn’t just anxiety. It wasn’t in my head. 

This did some strange things for my health anxiety. Now, I understand where it comes from. I watched my dad get sick and deteriorate over several years before he eventually died. Health anxiety makes sense. But now having an illness of my own? It was different. 

On one hand, it validated what I’ve been feeling for years. It validated all of my weird symptoms that never seemed to go together. It validated the exhaustion. It validated the chronic, debilitating anxiety and panic I was experiencing. It explained away why I used to fall asleep while hanging out with friends all throughout high school and part of college. It even explained more mundane things, like how my hair has always been dry and my nails always brittle. 

On the other hand, now that my illness has progressed more from years of not having treatment, my symptoms are worse. I get flare ups. My body is fighting itself and I’m in a constant state of inflammation. This causes a lot of weird shit to happen. Some days I’ll wake up and my tongue is a bit swollen, or one of my muscles will be pulled even though I haven’t done anything to it. This brings its own anxiety with it. The intrusive thoughts come creeping back in. What if my swollen tongue is something more serious? I have to remind myself that it’s all from the autoimmune disease. It’s all the hashis. This is difficult when you have health anxiety and O.C.D. 

On another note, the brain fog has been really bad lately. I can’t remember what I was talking about 30 seconds ago. If I’m interrupted while I’m speaking, I immediately lose my entire train of thought. There’s pretty much no going back to whatever I was talking about and I just have to move on. I struggle to find the words I want to use, and I can’t place the names of things that I know the names of. Sometimes I get really confused and I need to just stop whatever I’m doing and take a break. 

Of course I have a brain fog flare up when I really need to focus on studying, since my boards are in April. I really hope I can pull it together long enough to focus and study. I really can’t afford to take this test twice. I’ll waste so much time if I don’t pass it the first time. 

Actually working is a whole other beast I’m worried about, when it comes to brain fog. I just hope that I can handle it all. 

#Hashimoto's Disease #Hashimoto's thyroiditis #autoimmune disease #autoimmune #hypothyroid #hypothyroidism

[theglassishalfdreams]

I hate it how doing something to fix one problem only exacerbates another problem.

My throat is sore, and the only things that help besides tea are honey and throat lozenges. Of course these things are all pure sugar, so that makes my stomach problems worse. I️t makes me itchy all over my skin. But it’s better than the sore throat. I guess it’s all about finding a balance.

I’m tired. Maybe I’ll get restful sleep some day, or at least sleep through the night once this week.

[theglassishalfdreams]

Honestly, fuck off.

[theglassishalfdreams]

[theglassishalfdreams]

Day Seven Hundred Fourteen.

i love that the world is filled with so many options but i hate that i can’t choose them all

[theglassishalfdreams]

[theglassishalfdreams]

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[theglassishalfdreams]

If you own a cat you know the feeling

[theglassishalfdreams]

Sick

So yesterday I had a normal breakfast: squash and bacon with some cheddar cheese and 4 quail eggs. Nothing out of the ordinary. I eat this all the time, but yesterday it didn't agree with me. I was sick all day. I threw up and my stomach was hurting the entire day. By dinner time I had been able to keep down a flour tortilla. So I had some rice with butter and Parmesan cheese and that settled my stomach a bit more. I feel better today but what the hell. I can't predict anything with my body anymore. How am I supposed to live if even when I do everything right and eat something that never bothers me, I still wind up sick all day? This sucks.

#hashimoto's disease #hashimoto's thyroiditis

[theglassishalfdreams]

[theglassishalfdreams]

My head hurts. My whole head feels tense. My sinuses and my teeth hurt. I have a bad knot in my back and I think it’s causing my nerve pain. I’m also having muscle aches. I feel it in my legs. If I take aleve I’m going to be up all night peeing. I’m already up all night peeing though. Everything feels achey and off.

The OCD is making me twitchy. I hate it when that happens. It makes me feel insane. I know I’m not crazy. I don’t normally complain this much. I’ve just had enough.

#hashimoto's disease #hashimoto's thyroiditis #actually ocd

[theglassishalfdreams]

It’s late and everything hurts and I can’t fucking sleep. Of course the OCD is bad right now too so I guess I’ll just go fuck myself. I’m the only one up and I feel like I’m going insane. I just want to sleep. My body needs to sleep. I don’t think I’m going to be able to. I can’t get comfortable. My phone is dying and everything is dark and doing anything is hard. Typing is hard. Moving is hard. The OCD. This fucking sucks and I don’t know what to do. I hate this I’m so done with this bullshit.

#hashimoto's disease #hashimoto's thyroiditis #actually ocd

[theglassishalfdreams]

[theglassishalfdreams]

You know when you just don't feel well? I walked this morning and folded some laundry and then fell asleep next to my cat. I fell asleep in a dumb position of course so my body hurts. I just don't feel well. My head feels off and it hurts and my eyes are heavy. You know when you just don't feel well?

#hashimoto's thyroiditis #hashimoto's disease