thegreybaron

[thegreybaron]

"Settle down with me, and I’ll be your safety, and you’ll be my lady //  I was made to keep your body warm, but I’m cold as the wind blows // So hold me in your arms”

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All is fair in love and war, someone once said.  Someone also said the pen is mightier than the sword. Words cut deeper than any sword I know. I hope that my words for you, my love, pierce and stir your heart -- like no one else’s ever could.  

My literary fluency, as you say, or my “poeticism” (as I call it), is something that I pride myself in. To wield the power and grace of a thousand words, unencumbered and unrehearsed... meant to set your heart alight. But I am no Shakespeare, Byron, or Pushkin, my love. I have no talent for iambic pentameter like Shakespeare. But every great poet has a muse; I know I’ve found mine in you. 

Traveling off, I feel like Odysseus, the hero of old who left home for war in Troy. In Lord Byron’s (George Gordon) epic poem “Ulysses”, his longing to return to home to be with his beloved is unshaken after 20 years away. Time and distance are inevitable, but my resolve is set. No matter if there is competition or warfare for you, know that for your heart, I will always “strive, to seek, to find -- and never to yield.”

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P.S.  My favorite book, from 19th century Russian literature, is Eugene Onegin by Alexander Pushkin. It is actually poetic prose written in iambic tetrameter. I must find you a copy of the best translation. 

[thegreybaron]

Maroon 5 - Never Gonna Leave This Bed (acoustic)

“Take it, take it all, take all that I have Give it all away just to get you back...”

[thegreybaron]

[thegreybaron]

想念你

[thegreybaron]

[thegreybaron]

[thegreybaron]

Good Lord, sigh... 

... what a miserable, lost cause. 

Time to sign off fast on that one. 

[thegreybaron]

[thegreybaron]

[thegreybaron]

Piece, not peace, of mind

I can’t believe I’m an MS4 -- like what does it mean? I’m the same kid who shipped out of California three years ago and honestly feel no more competent than my first day of first year. Except I know a few more random facts and can follow along the big words that my attendings use. I guess, if anything, it’s just that I feel more comfortable in the hospital, on the wards. It’s not that I know more, but maybe that I know better what I don’t know. 

I started off with a Medicine Acting Internship at a small community hospital. I admit, this was the result of a last ditch effort in case I wanted to go Medicine -- couldn’t have done better. This was a great month of practicing good community medicine. The residents were all IMGs and all phenomenal. It was really a culture of teaching and helping each other. The chief resident was the nicest guy, heading off to cardiology fellowship, and he even gave me his Step 2 materials. And the residents and attendings whom I worked with -- great people who were grateful for my help and never quick to judge me for what I didn’t know. I actually had felt like I had a place there, and I had fun... and most importantly, I looked forward to coming in each day. Definitely reinforced my desire for medicine.

Then came a month of Vascular Surgery acting internship. Somewhere deep deep deep in my soul must lie an undying appreciation and love for peripheral arterial disease, venous diseases, and wounds.  No lie, the first week was rough -- switching my mind from medicine to surgery was a learning curve. The fellow, though genuinely a nice and good guy by all means, was intimidating, definitely with high standards and no tolerance for BS/mistakes. And I definitely had my stumbles the first week -- can you even instrument tie, bro? I made it clear to all the attendings that I was only interested in vascular surgery, nothing else. Things really came through when I got to know the surgical attendings. I guess the theme is that they’re just a few good guys, not doing the most glamorous or lucrative work, but doing the hard work that absolutely needs to be done. PS and LS were the most cheerful and pleasant surgical attendings I’ve ever met, considering the crazy circumstances they had to put up with. And by any means, MI has been the most brilliant surgeon I’ve met, with an amazing bedside manner and humor to boot. Just a few good men -- how could I disappoint them now? 

I guess you don’t really find clarity in doing the things that you like. Perhaps more so in the things that you hate. So far, I’ve cherry picked what I like. Oh well. Thinking back to this year and last, there are so many stories I’ve wanted to share with you. Stories that have changed my views and molded me into something else. But I guess you’re not really here. And soon enough, you’ll have your own. Maybe then you’ll understand. Maybe then we’ll finally be able to talk again. 

[thegreybaron]

[thegreybaron]

Not to keep

The things that are yours, the people that are yours... they’re “yours” because they choose to be. It’s a conscious decision on their part.

But not everyone is meant to stay. Some are just here for a time, and maybe they make an imprint on your heart, but they’re gone before you know it. Without a whisper of hello or goodbye.

Sometimes, the most difficult thing to figure out is whether you want someone to stay in your life because you truly love them, or simply because you want to keep them with you. Both are selfish, but the latter is devoid of meaning. 

So, off you are again... as quietly as you came. I won’t keep you, for you are not mine to keep. You are, as you have always been and shall be, my lady. To you, I give the road...

[thegreybaron]

Well done. I expected no less. Now, are you ready to give it your all? Don't hesitate, don't falter. THIS is what you wanted. Right? So go on. Claim your pride and happiness. Make it worth this and everything.

[thegreybaron]

Out of the dark once again...

[thegreybaron]

[thegreybaron]

Meant for

I don’t remember too much about the beginning, but I admit that I still don’t remember too much about the end. So long ago it was, but it just feels like yesterday. I don’t give myself time or space to process a lot of it, maybe because I don’t like admitting my failures, my weaknesses. Maybe I’m moving too fast and not enjoying the scenery? Maybe I’d much rather live in ignorant bliss? No. Damn you. Damn you for everything. Whatever. Now’s not the time to admit weakness.  

To this day, I'm still figure out what makes me truly happy. Right now? I’ve thought it might be getting into surgical residency, maybe going back to the Bay Area for that. More immediately, maybe doing well on my rotations, finally feeling like I have a knack for something. Early on, I thought career fulfillment, making plenty of money, having the reputation of a badass surgeon (do I even want to be a surgeon?), high impact/influence, that those things would fulfill me. But honestly, I’ve been chasing that since the beginning of medical school and can’t say it’s given me the satisfaction that I was hoping for. Maybe I’m too impatient? Whatever. Now’s not the time to think.

People have advised me to do what I look forward to. Is lifestyle or your work more important to you? I’ve always thought work would be my central focus, that my title would stay with me forever. “You have to love what you do, so that you do it on sunny days, on rainy days,” that’s what Mom says. I miss Mom, I miss simpler times. Growing up sucks. I have to choose one thing, one thing only and to do that exceedingly well. I don’t like choosing. I don’t like options. I want it all. Maybe I’m greedy? Maybe I’m indecisive? Maybe I don’t want to commit? Whatever.

Hopefully soon enough, I’ll figure out what my happiness is, or what would make me complete. Until then, just keep moving, just keep breathing, keep on keepin’ on this path that I was “meant for”.  But maybe, once in a while, I should stop, look around me, look behind me, take it all in for once, and cry at the beauty of it all. 

[thegreybaron]