thesamesongonrepeat

[thesamesongonrepeat]

29/09/2023

bro i have adhd and i am bad at wording. you'd think being a language teacher will prepare me to be good at voicing my thought, then you are wrong bud. uh, where do i begin... at first i thought you were adam who tried to be nice, but since the first time we talked i feel that instant connection with you. i would describe our first meetings with never ending waves of gentle relieve of finding someone with the same amount of dumb joke and way of communication. it was ill but i am lowkey sad that i thought you had a girlfriend... or so i thought. as the time passed by, i tried to understand how you are. it made me even sadder to understand that you went through the exact thing that i went through. however, those feelings quickly washes over as i realized that you were way stronger than i'll ever be. or at least, pretend to. honestly, i don't think of it as much. you went through that phase with strong conviction even though you are suffering. the way how you manage to pull yourself off through trials and tribulations is something that i would never dared to dream of. to me, you are always amazing since the start of me getting to know you. i always looked up to you. i always look at your figure with admiration since then, even when you made some questionable jokes. since the start, you have always been nice, positive, and respectful. thus, i would never extend your grand gestures as something that is more than a gesture towards a friend. you always mentioned that i am your precious sister or friend. in addition, you also mentioned that you are contented with being by yourself, you'd rather die single, and you are afraid of women (lol) but i still adored you either way? (ill) i still hoped either way (ill) when you gave me a note and when i had known that you arranged the joint for my birthday present i was over the moon. then again i kept my distance and tried to remind my self that we are just a friend and not more.

as the time passes by we kept our habit of thinking out loud towards one another. i saw you as someone i can always confide in and as someone i need not to pretend to. i saw you as a home even back when we were a friend. i was contented to have such a good person as a friend, grateful even. thus, i am always glad that you went to just a tad bit extra mile to make me happy by waking up till 2, to play aram with me almost every night, or to answer my chat in a heartbeat. you made me adore you all over again. over and over and over until i can't hold them in anymore.

to be honest it all still felt like a dream, us dating. i can't believe that i got to be spending my lifetime loving, being loved, struggle, cry, laugh, and do all of the things i've ever and never dreamt of with you. with you i have no worries at all. with you everything feels possible. now that we are a partner, i kept on thinking about the words that you have said last night. that i smiled more when i am with you than i was with your ex. you are right. it's always been you, for the moment we met. i felt so wrong for admitting it, but it always been you. for me to feel excited in dots, or for me to go on a super scary escape room, or for me to have less sleep so i can hear your laugh on aram games. it's always been you. without words, undoubtedly, i've always been gravitated around you.

i love you ryo ferdinand, you came into my life like a burning sun, and i am grateful that you are helping me to burn as bright as you. here's to more ill notes to come.