theshiverrunsdeep

[theshiverrunsdeep]

It’s just the way I am now. I don’t reply to messages every single day, I don’t say yes to every invitation and I barely interact with anyone, hell I even hide or run away from some people. I can’t explain why I am the way I am, all I know is it exhausts me. Talking to people, hearing their stories, seeing the way they see the world, hearing how much they hate or love the way things are, it exhausts me. It’s tiring to keep giving something that isn’t there. I don’t have the energy to talk, but I have to pretend I do because I don’t want them to worry. There’s nothing to worry about anyway, I don’t have any problem, my life is fine. I just don’t have the energy to do anything. It’s just how I feel.

I actually love hearing their stories. It makes me feel like they want to include me in their lives. It makes me feel like I matter. But after telling me about their story, they always ask me about mine. And I hate the silence in between. I hate that I have no story to tell. It literally hurts to have nothing to say. In those moments all I could think of was how much I’m missing out. How much I want to do things and how I always can’t.

It’s wonderful to see how bright or how dark the way they see the world, but at the same time, it makes me lonely. Because seeing the way they see, feel, and think about things makes me realize how utterly different I am. It’s like feeling alone in a crowded room, searching like a lost child for a puzzle piece that will never fit.

Listening to how they feel is something I want to do. I want to listen to them, I want to be able to do for them what no one has done for me. It makes me feel good and terrible at the same time. Nothing feels better than helping out other people, but it makes me a bit angry sometimes, it hurts me sometimes. Because I can’t understand. I can’t understand why no one was there for me before. I can’t understand why no one told me the things I’m telling someone else now. I can’t understand why no one tried.

I still can’t understand why I am the way I am. Why I feel like this. Why I always choose to keep myself at a safe distance from people when all I really want is to stop being alone, or atleast stop feeling like it.

But please know that even though this is the way I am now, it doesn’t make me love you any less.

I don’t expect you to understand. I just don’t want you to take things personally or think that I don’t give a damn about you just because I haven’t replied. I don’t want you to feel like you’re not special to me just because I declined to see you. And I know it’s selfish. But I hope you stay no matter how complicated I am. I hope you choose me, most especially during the times when life has completely exhausted me.

evrythnginvrsaid

[theshiverrunsdeep]

[theshiverrunsdeep]

“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.”

— Ernest Hemingway

[theshiverrunsdeep]

To all you overthinkers (including me): take a breath, it’s going to be fine. I promise

[theshiverrunsdeep]

shoutout to the people with physical touch as their top love language who have been conditioned to withhold their affection even in situations where the affection would be happily welcomed because they grew up in a near-touchless environment and now suffer both the fear of rejection and touch starvation

[theshiverrunsdeep]

Graham Dean

[theshiverrunsdeep]

To the Bone, Dorothy Allison 

[ID: That summer I did not go crazy / but I wore / very close / very close / to the bone.]

[theshiverrunsdeep]

“Do you know how much thinking and feeling I’ve done? It’s terrible. And nothing’s come of it.”

— Andrei Platonov

[theshiverrunsdeep]

“Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.”

—

[theshiverrunsdeep]

sthr.studios via instagram 

[theshiverrunsdeep]

[theshiverrunsdeep]

| ɢᴏᴜʀᴍᴇᴛʙɪᴏʟᴏɢɪꜱᴛ ᴠɪᴀ ɪɴꜱᴛᴀɢʀᴀᴍ

[theshiverrunsdeep]

#151

[theshiverrunsdeep]

[theshiverrunsdeep]

[theshiverrunsdeep]

"This thing we're doing here, you, me. I'm in. I am all in."

[theshiverrunsdeep]