thewordsarecomingoutallweird

[thewordsarecomingoutallweird]

The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I was dating this girl in my early 20’s. We’ll call her Suavamente. Suavamente was a tall, thick white girl with an amazing smile. She was going to school for social work. I don’t know how to put this delicately but she had Aztec fever. She really had a thing for Mexican dudes. Now Chug ain’t Mexican but the caucasity flowing through his veins left him just brown enough to have people assume he’s any type of brown person someone really likes or dislikes at the first moment he encounters them. That assumption, led her to agreeing to a date with me because she thought she had landed a “tall Mexican”. A few weeks later we’re lying post coital on my futon when I tell Suavamente that I made her black by injection. She smiles and quickly pivots the conversation to if I was ready to meet her family later. I told her confidently that I was and that I’m good with parents. She smiles and simply says “we’ll see! We will see!”

Fast forward a few hours and I’m sitting at her dinner table with her mom, grandma, her little brother and her Mexican stepdad who spoke almost no English because her mom had Aztec fever too. We’re eating a delightful meal when Suavamente looks at her mom and says “mom did you realize that I’m black?! Everyone in her family looks at her confused. She looks at me and says “tell ‘em Chug?!” Mom, grandma and baby brother all stare at me and my head drops. Her mom. We’ll call her Tina gives me a “well!?” In a very Ted Knight in caddy shack fashion but more amused than annoyed. Still looking down I mumble “she’s black by injection” “LOUDER?!” says Tina. I realize am not getting out of this so I lift my head and I say loudly “SHE’S BLACK BY INJECTION!” Tina and Tina sr. start laughing…hard. Baby Brother and Mexican stepdad are sitting there confused. Suavamente translates what’s going on for Mexican stepdad because Tina didn’t speak spanish and he joins in on the laughter. All I could think was great I’m getting clowned bilingually. Because all Mexican stepdad could get out between laughs is the Spanish translation of black by injection. Enduring this level of embarrassment should have been the end of the story but Suavamente and I were on and off for a few years.

Buttchug runs for the border This is a little Buttchug side quest in the Suavamente chronicles. If you’re unfamiliar, go read my previous post to catch up but long story short Suavamente was a girl I dated on again off again in my 20’s who was really into Mexican men and started dating me because she thought I was a “tall Mexican.” That becomes important later.

Fun fact about buttchug, despite all my misadventures I am friends with almost all of the women who have seen my penis. Awkward wedding, another on again off again in buttchugs rogues gallery of lovers was getting married in Arizona and invited a large group of her friends to all attend. This was the very first of many awkward weddings for me. Because I had to resist answering the question “how did I know the bride?” with just one word… “biblically.”

Now while Awkward Wedding was prepping for her wedding, everyone she invited decided to spend a day in Mexico. In this group was my friend Manbearpig, his mom Mama Manbearpig (rest in peace) and two more of the Awkward Weddings. We’ll call them AW2 and AW3 respectively. Our day in Mexico was amazing but otherwise uneventful. Now I mentioned in my previous post that my light milk chocolate skin makes most brown people assume I’m one of their kin while making most white people think I’m the brown person they like or dislike in the moment. Because of this, I get a lot of scrutiny when traveling and this is spring 2002. The event that I’m about to describe is a weird combination of both of these phenomena.

I bring my shopping bags up to the border control agent who is Mexican. He starts looking at me suspiciously and when I give him my ID he starts grilling me. “Are you Mexican?” He asks. “No.” I respond. Too dumb to realize what is happening. “Are you SURE you’re not Mexican?! At this point I’m beginning to pick up what he’s putting down. “Nah brah! I’m from NY and just brown.” I’m trying to retain my composure. I hate being asked the same question over and over. The agent starts speaking Spanish to me and despite me dipping my ink into a girl with Aztec fever on and off for a few years I never learned a lick of Spanish despite a few cusses and SUAVEMENTE! Besa me! Before launching into some Spanish gibberish similar to Aunt Bunny’s “gooneygoogool” I’m getting frustrated. “Dude I don’t speak Spanish.” Interrupting. “Are you sure you’re not Mexican?!” At this point he’s been touching my jackass button like a clumsy big fingered teenager finding the clit for the first time and I say very loudly to this border control agent. “DUDE! I am too TALL to be MEXICAN!” The look that came over this man’s face was frightening. And he starts mumbling in Spanish like Ricky Ricardo getting ready to cuss out Lucy. In this moment, I know that I am going to a clay cell in Mexico and the Bush administration won’t be trading any arms dealers for my dumb, unfamous ass. He looks at me then glowers at Manbearpig, his mama and both Awkward Weddings and says. “Get him out of my sight!” I quickly gather my shit and as I’m walking away being careful to not look back I say “Woo! Time to make a run for the border!” I haven’t been back to Mexico. Simply I just haven’t had the opportunity to travel there but I’m sure there is still a border control agent with an ax to grind. The last part of the Suavemente chronicles is coming up. I realize now I can do an awkward weddings spin-off as well.

You know what’s funny. I told you both of those stores to tell you this one. Like I said Suavamente and I were on and off for a few years. I really dug her but never could be the Mexican bad boy she truly wanted. There was an instance where she was telling me she wanted to see my “bad boy” side. I was like “do you want me to knock over an old lady or something?!” This dynamic was persistent throughout our time together and the story I’m about to tell happened because I was trying to give her what she wanted.

When I got back from Mexico I went to her house to bring her the gifts I brought her. This led to a spirited round of lovemaking and after we had another discussion over my “lack off edge.” When we were done we decided to shower together. While ran the water, I threw my glasses on her bed. In the shower I became determined to prove to her that I was the bad boy she desired. And while Wait the whisper song was a few years away from being released. I’m doing some Yin Yang Twins level self talk in my head because I was determined to “beat that pussy up.” So I spent my time in the shower silently psyching myself up while the thoughts I had felt about as natural as an oral bowel movement.

Suavamente steps out of the shower and begins drying herself with a towel. I stand there frozen for a moment my internal monologue sounds like Gollum and Smeagol arguing. “Grab the tricksy girl. She wants it. We wants it?” “Oh no we mustn’t. We could hurts the precious.” “Oh you are so weak! She told you she wants that from us.”

To say I grabbed her was an understatement. I fucking snatched and spun her so hard, her soul had to catch up. Suavamente was confused. “what are you doing?!” Now I have a decently deep voice but in this moment I channeled Barry White through my ancestors and said “Round two.” Suavamente smiled. “It’s like that?! I pulled her close and said. “It’s like that. I could tell I did something right because she was turned on. Backing up She walked me closer to the bed and said smiling “ding! Ding!” I dropped her towel and shoved Suavamente onto the her bed…hard. To me, she fell in slow motion. I was ready to pounce the second she hit bed but when she did her facial expression changed. Her face contorted and she winced.

“I think I sat on your glasses.” She said raising her pretty hot and tempting legs and ass in the air. I scan the bed for my glasses and they weren’t there. I put my hands on the bed and feel around because I’m that vision impaired that I can’t see my glasses if I’m not wearing them. This brought me close to her ass where I saw one of the arms of my glasses poking out of Suavamente’s ass crack. I didn’t know if you could gasp and chuckle at the same time but I did it. She was like “oh no! No no no.” I pulled my severely bent glasses from her ass. She turned bright red and ran into the bathroom. And the Ricardo Montalban level of machismo I built up was as small and unintimidating as Herve Villachaize. We didn’t last much longer after that. It hurt for a moment but I realized that what she wanted wasn’t who I am at all. So I recovered and came to appreciate who I am a bit more. My glasses however, never ever recovered.

[thewordsarecomingoutallweird]

Writing Practice - Eating Mary Jane

Ok let me say that I will be changing names to protect the not so innocent.

Some fun things to know… As fun as I seem (and I am) I am quite personally controlled and regimented. Everyone else in my family regularly partakes in the Mary Jane and I treat her like a tinder date. At the time this story occurs: While I have partaken I had never personally purchased weed. My friends and I have gone to see Emmet Otters Jam Band in Saratoga, NY every year for 20+ years and as I mentioned this is usually the time I cut loose because Buttchug under the influence of anything is a force of nature.

Now picture it Irvington, New Jersey 2006. I get a call from my best friend Keg Stand. He informs me that his weed connection was out and I have to buy the weed for the concert. I informed him that I don’t know where to even get weed. He then says “buttchug you’re black and you live outside of Newark. You just need to step outside.” We get off the phone and I forget about it.

I arrive at Keg Stands house (he lives somewhere in NY between NYC and Saratoga) he asks me if I brought week and I told him I didn’t. We start to argue and in trying to fix the situation I said one of the most embarrassing things I’ve ever said. “Fine! I’ll call my mom.”

Apparently my moms connection was out too and she got her shit from my kid sisters dealer. So here I am calling my kid sister to get her dealers info. Long story short (too late) after my sister makes fun of me. I bought weed for the first time.

Now Keg Stand and I didn’t just buy the weed to roll blunts. We did some of that but we decided for the first time to make brownies. Which neither of us had tried let alone make. We follow some recipe on the internet and voila brownies. We decide to try a small piece to see if we got it right…and nothing. So we each eat a whole brownie before we got on the road.

About 40 minutes into this three hour drive to Saratoga the brownies hit the two of us almost simultaneously.

Keg stand said last thing either of us said before we arrived in Saratoga was “we didn’t fuck up the brownies”

High as fuck, we arrive in Saratoga and go to our friend Tee Ball’s house (this name hasn’t been changed. We set him up for a three some and he whiffed like a kid striking out in tee ball) Tee Ball at the time lived with his dad and they let us crash after the show. Keg stand and I get it together long enough to make pleasantries with Tee Ball sr. and grab Tee Ball before we head to the concert.

We give Tee Ball a brownie and decided that he just can’t have one alone so Keg Stand and I each have another brownie.

At this time every year that we’ve seen Emmet Otters Jam Band we parked in the same spot and tailgated knowing that we’d meet up with a lot of the same people. We usually have a sprawling set up with booze, barbecue and good tunes. And we packed all of those things but set up literally none of it for the first three hours. I literally sat in a chair staring at the woods thinking I was watching Avatar. (It was 2009 not 2006-ooops).

Eventually we get our shit together and in celebration what do you think we did? You guessed it another brownie.

So after about an hour, very high we get our usual set up going. Everyone is having a good time despite the cops walking around being assholes. At this point we all get paranoid and we all decide to play “spot the undercover narc”. Tee Ball and Keg stand thought it was this crunchy middle aged dude. I disagreed I thought it was this young dude trying to convince girls that this game “frisbeer” was a thing. If you’ve never seen it you have two sticks and a beer bottle goes on each about 25 feet away. The rules are fuzzy to me but you have to hit the bottle with the frisbee or something. That guy, the frisbeer aficionado was my pick for the narc. I look over at Tee ball who is watching this game with me and think. “This game is fucking stupid” Tee ball turns and looks at me and with the biggest shit eating grin he nods yes. “Holy shit! Am I telepathic?! Can you read my mind? Tee ball nods yes. “Tee ball! I think this guy is our narc he’s trying too hard with frisbeer. This game is made up” Tee ball nods again. Making me sure of our telepathic connection. Sadly, while I was telepathic, I never gained the ability to see the future and I was wrong about frisbeer. It took off and I see dumb white people playing it at tailgates now.

Epilogue…our telepathic connection was broken by a scream of “WE GOT A RUNNER”. Across the parking lot one kid is evading cops on foot, car and horseback. He needed to cross the field we were on and then he would have lost them in the woods. Hundreds of high, drunk Emmet Otter’s Jam band fans are chanting “fuck the police” because this kid is about win at GTA when the crunchy middle aged dude comes out of nowhere and body checks the kid to the ground. My friends were right about who narc was. The cops apprehend the kid and force us all to pack up and walk to the concert. The brownies hit me the hardest mid concert and I slept through most of it.

[thewordsarecomingoutallweird]

Writing out

I'm good at working out. I want to be good at writing. Why can't I treat writing the way I work out? I understand the concept of doing something til you're better at it. Repetition, repetition, repetition ya know. It all comes with practice.

[thewordsarecomingoutallweird]

I've been visualizing things like finishing and talking about a book that I wrote.  Lofty goals since I struggle to write for 10 minutes at a time but I've always wanted to write.  The other thing is what do I write about?  A neighbor put a decent idea into my head and I dig it.  It's a book of fitness ideas for seniors.  It is a population that needs it and a lot of them weren't exposed to fitness as something they needed to do until fairly recently.  I believe that if Pilates and Yoga took off post World War II our senior population wouldn't have as many health and range of motion problems as they currently have.  Something to think about I guess.  

[thewordsarecomingoutallweird]

Lately, I've been feeling this growing frustration with my life as if every cell is crying out.  There is something in there that needs to get out. It's screaming and clawing at my skin.  In the past, I could disappear give myself time to change and figure out what my next move is going to be. Do the old TV trope of taking a crappy job that didn't require much thought and lick my wounds until I was ready to rejoin the world. But I have a family now.  That is not an option at all for many reasons with that one being the most important.  So how do I deal with this uncomfortable process and remain present and available to the people who need and rely on me?  

[thewordsarecomingoutallweird]

It has to start somewhere. I has to start sometime. What better place than here? What better time than now?

Rage Against The Machine

[thewordsarecomingoutallweird]

I picked up my first client since moving to Charlfitsville.  She is a 75 year old doctor who wants to be able to keep up with her family when they travel to the Galapagos Islands in December.  I like her because she's funny and she wants to train to be active.  In fact one of her long term goals is to be able to play tennis again.  Something several knee surgeries and other injuries has prevented her from doing.  I am looking forward to that challenge and I have some great ideas to get her back on the court.  

[thewordsarecomingoutallweird]

Writing is hard...and I've run an ultramarathon.

I work out fairly regularly.  Some would say that is an understatement because I have made a pretty successful career at it.  I have had a deeper longing though that has burned unfulfilled for as long as I can remember and that is to be a writer.  I like telling stories, I like giving the people the knowledge of how to do things when they want to do something I know how to do.  I like to entertain and make people laugh.  However, whenever I try to put pen to paper I get stuck writing anything.  Stories, how to's, resumes take a lot of time and a lot of my mental energy.  So much that I seem only to write when I am truly inspired or when I absolutely have to.  I want to change it but it's so hard.  I know that to be successful I have to do it every day and I guess this blog is that attempt.  Ten minutes a day.  Can I do it?

[thewordsarecomingoutallweird]

People need to stop...

So in the latest episodes of Girls on HBO.  Lena Dunham's character has a random hookup with an recently divorced doctor played by Patrick Wilson.  The outrage wasn't about the near anonymous hookup with a stranger.  Certain people believed the episode was unbelievable because Lena Dunham's character was clearly out of her league.  Really?  Because she's heavier?   If that is the case certain popular TV and movie characters are definitely out of their league.  

Peter Griffin - Family Guy Married to Lois.  She gave up being rich for this slob.

Homer Simpson - The Simpsons married to Marge.  

FredFlintstone - The Flintstones married to Wilma

Ralph Kramden - The Honeymooners married to Alice.

Kevin James - His character on the King of Queens.  Married to Leah Remini. 

Any movie with an overweight comedian getting a hottie.  Let's see...

Tommy Boy - Chris Farley and Julie Warner

Only the Lonely - John Candy and Ally Sheedy

Superbad - Jonah Hill and Emma Stone

Knocked Up - Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl

I really can go on because that seems to be the norm in Hollywood.  

Why is it ok for a heavier guy to get the girl but if it's the other way around the girls is out of that guys league?  And if the gap is acknowledged it is because the guy has money or power.  Why can't people enjoy the company of whoever they damn well please without other people saying anything?  

[thewordsarecomingoutallweird]

The Bodyweight Experiment Day 2

As I said before one of the few exceptions to this experiment is the 35lb  kettlebell that Meret got me for Christmas.  This morning I made use of that exception in the basement of my building.  You see I live in a  very tiny apartment and working out at 5am keeps my girlfriend awake.  So I used the long hallway to do backwards walking tactical lunges and then I did walking kettlebell swings going forward.  When I got to the end of the hallway I ran all the way to the 9th floor of my building and back down .  I did this routine 5 times.  Then I did my mile.  

[thewordsarecomingoutallweird]

Who the fuck cares if we are “taken seriously”? We’re playing Quidditch, it’s awesome, and we are having fun; What more could you ask for? Fuck what other people think about Quidditch, and fuck tying to be a “real sport”. Titles are bullshit and...

[thewordsarecomingoutallweird]

Dumbbell clean and press.  This is the best full body exercise you probably aren't doing.  The reason I say it's the best it that it is probably the most functional exercise by far.  If you are an athlete this move is crucial.  Most importantly everyone and I mean everyone has had to lift something heavy and put it on a high shelf. 

If it's so important why isn't it done?  I think that it's because there are a lot of moving parts and that for lack of a better term confuses people.  Some people have trouble using the legs to launch the weights into position.  So let's split it up into it's base components for the workout of the week. 

As many rounds in 10 minutes.

20 reps dumbbell high pulls

10 reps dumbbell clean and press. 

[thewordsarecomingoutallweird]

Easily the funniest scene in Django Unchained.

[thewordsarecomingoutallweird]

[thewordsarecomingoutallweird]

Such is the theme of New Years Resolutions.  We all want more than what we have given ourselves.  I think this is the year that I really put that Marianne Williamson poem to work.  This year I want to be powerful beyond measure.  The hardest part of this is just believing it.  

[thewordsarecomingoutallweird]

I love science!!!  

27 Science Fictions That Became Science Facts In 2012

27 Science Fictions That Became Science Facts In 2012

1. Quadriplegic Uses Her Mind to Control Her Robotic Arm

At the University of Pittsburgh, the neurobiology department worked with 52-year-old Jan...

[thewordsarecomingoutallweird]

This needs to be done.  

Mission X Update: 

Hi everyone! a couple months ago I made a post asking people to send me letters that I will be passing on to the inventor of muggle quidditch, Xander Manshel. 

So far I’ve received 6 letters… which issss… less than I wanted, but at the same time, perhaps more than I should have expected for the digital generation (that whole writing stuff down, putting paper in envelopes, buying postage and having to actually go outside to another building to send things is admittedly annoying, and I mean that sincerely). 

However, I’d really like to have at least 20 letters and ideally somewhere closer to 30 to give to Xander. This guy did come up with this idea, and without him, you wouldn’t be playing quidditch and would probably not know most or all of the people on your team. Just think about how crazy that is. 

So, the goal here is to tell Xander how much quidditch means to you and what it did for your life, and also to ask him to come to the World Cup this april. He hasn’t been to World Cup since the second one in 2008, and we need to change that. 

Send your letters, written to Xander, to:

IQA inc.

Mission X

PO Box 1663

New York, NY 10025

Feel free to include photos, drawings, CD’s, etc. 

DEADLINE: I am sending him a package to where he lives in Hong Kong, of all of the letters, on January 13th. So please get me your letters before then!