thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid

[thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid]

“It takes years to learn the difference between who to let go and who to be patient with.

The same way it takes years to know what you deserve and what you don’t.

So hang in there, growth and experience come with time.”

[thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid]

Some men can be so toxic to your health. They don't want to love you properly, but they don't want to let you go either. The more you give the less they appreciate, and the minute you've had enough and decide to walk away is when they are ready to love you and treat you right.

So you give them a chance in the hopes they've changed only to realise it was all fake. You find the strength to walk away once more and here he comes again proclaiming his love for you and you give in, AGAIN.

A man showing anger and persistence to get you back once you try to break it of isn't proof of love; its a knee jerk reaction. A man kissing your ass or making flaccid attempts to be nicer for two weeks isn't proof that he's trying, its proof that he knows you well enough to know how to defuse you long enough to hook you once again. Take away a toy, a little boy cries. Take away a relationship of convenience, a man cries. Just because he cries doesn't mean you give him what he wants.

Stop listening to what your man keeps promising and start watching what his actions actually keep telling you. A lot of you women don't know what its like to be loved by a real man. You know lust, you know joy, you know passion and you know the fear of abandonment.

Stop chasing your idea of what love should be and recognise what love IS. Love isn't promising to act right after he gets caught fucking up time and time again. Love is him acting right from the start because he doesn't want to fuck up. Love isn't telling your grown man he needs to change so he can keep you; love is a grown man changing on his own because he cant imagine life without you.

[thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid]

Pagod na ko.

Sana wag na ko magising sa pag tulog ko.

Hindi naman ako kawalan.

Malulungkot sila ngunit sabay sa paglipas ng lungkot ang pag usad nila sa buhay.

Hindi ko alam kung anong dahilan ng pagmulat ng mata ko.

[thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid]

I am not okay.

My whole flesh is already tired of my silent cries every night.

I'm emotionally wrecked because of people who I embraced when they actually had torns. I once or twice questioned God why do I need to experience all of these and now I'm spiritually lost.

I am not okay. I am reflecting everything that I did before and clearly, it was my fault. It was my fault to show efforts to people who wouldn't appreciate it. I showed affection to people who I thought had the same attachment as mine. It was my fault to tell God how I was happy and thankful for these people.

I am not okay, I'm telling you. And I don't know when will I be okay. But the lessons that I've learned from the wrong people will surely help me to conquer every tiny bits of pain and every aches that my body screams.

I am not okay today because yesterday was my fault but I know, tomorrow will never be the same.

[thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid]

Do visit Geloy’s illuminating IG page.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CDFcAt7hP0O/?igshid=5unz5scfb8i

[thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid]

“nalalasing na ako sa nararamdaman ko.”

—

[thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid]

Napapagod na ako.

Mahirap maging mag-isa lalo na kapag naabutan ka ng lockdown sa condo mo kaya hindi ka nakauwi sa bahay ninyo. Gosh, nababaliw na ako dito. Part of me, kinakaya pero most of myself, parang sabog na.

Nakalutang ako pero nalulunod ako sa lungkot. Alam ko yung mga dapat kong gawin pero hinihila ako ng kama. Pinapatay ako ng unan ng pagiging mag-isa. Niyayakap ako ng kumot na akala kong poprotekta sa akin. 

Habang lumilipas ang bawat araw, unti-untia kong napapagod. Ilang araw na akong ganito. Nilalabanan ko naman pero mahirap kapag araw-araw mo ‘tong ginagawa - you know, the ‘fighting’ part.

Gusto ko nang lumabas. Gusto ko nang makatakas. Gusto ko nang maarawan. Gusto ko nang mainitan. Wala akong magawa… wala akong magagawa. 

Hindi na ako makahinga. Gusto ko nang umuwi. Gusto ko nang lumipad. Gusto kong makarinig ng hampas ng alon ng dagat. Gusto ko ulit makakita ng alitaptap… kahit nakakatakot sa dilim, maglalakad ako.

Gusto kong may yumakap sa akin mula sa likod tapos bubulong siya na “okay lang yan, nandito ako.” Sana may humawak na ng kamay ko. Sana marinig ko yung paghinga niya habang nakatitig sa mga mata niyang nakapikit.

Nakakalimutan ko na ang lasa ng pag-ibig. Nauuhaw na ako sa salitang mahal kita at mahalaga ka.

Gutom. Uhaw. Mag-isa.

Sa pagkakataong ito, ayoko munang makarinig ng magiging okay din ang lahat. Gusto ko munang maging malungkot, gusto kong umiyak, gusto ko munang damhin ang lungkot hanggang sa maging manhid ako at doon… doon ako magiging handa.

Sabi ko nga, napapagod na ako. Totoo yun. Ilan taon na akong bigay nang bigay sa mga taong hindi ko naman kilala ng sagot pero yung sarili kong tanong, bumibingi na sa pagkatao ko.

Mabigat. Sobra.

Ayoko sa madilim pero natatakot ako. Ayoko naman sa liwanag kasi nasisilaw ako. Hindi ko na maintindihan ang sarili ko. Nakakapagod magsalita. Nakakasawang maging malakas.

Gusto ko munang maging mahina - doon naman ako magaling eh. Lalamunin ako ng kama sa lungkot. Sisigaw ako sa unan na tanging yumayakap sa akin.

Gusto ko nang makakita ng bituwin. Ayoko nang marinig yung mga sigaw nila. Nakakapagod umintindi. Nakakapagod ang mundo. Gusto ko lang munang magpahinga. Sandali lang o hanggang sa mapagod akong maging pagod.

[thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid]

“Sa lahat ng napagdaanan kong sakit, naging okay na lang sa akin ang magmahal. Kapag minahal ako, edi okay. Kapag iniwan naman ako, edi libro.”

— Marcelo Santos III

[thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid]

I suck at being mean. I cannot return the ugly things that people did to me. Every time i decide that i am going to make them feel how i felt, my mind tells me this is inherently wrong and I’ll just end up being sad, hurt and alone.

[thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid]

Ang pakiramdam ng walang layunin.

Ang pakiramdam ng paulit ulit na tanong sa sarili kung para saan ang pag mulat ng mata sa umaga.

Para saan ang pagtitiis. Para saan ang mabuhay mag isa.

Ang mabuhay na napapalibutan ka ng isang daang tao na lalong magpaparamdam sa’yo ng pag-iisa.

Ang riyalidad na may mga taong tinatawag tayong “Mahal sa buhay” ngunit mayroong pakiramdam na ipinipilit mo na lang ang sarili mo sa kanila.

Na oo, sinasabi nila na mahal ka nila pero ikaw ang kailangan lumapit para marinig mo yun.

Pamilya, kaibigan at kasintahan. Hindi naman nila kasalanan kasi lahat may kanya kanyang buhay pero walang mapaglagyan ng lungkot ang riyalidad na wala akong isang taong parating maghahanap, magiisip sa akin at magsasabi na mahal niya ko.

Yung isang tao na ang kaligayahan ay makausap at makasama ka. Kagaya ng kaligayahan ko tuwing may makakaalala na kamustahin ako o tawagan ako dahil gusto ako makausap. Yung isang tao na magiging kasandalan mo sa hirap at ginhawa. Na magpapaalala sa’yo na tunay kang di nag iisa.

Di nila kasalanan na tumuloy sila sa kanya kanya nilang buhay at maging masaya. Masaya ako para sa kanila ngunit tuwing maiisip ko na hindi ako parte ng kaligayahan nila, muling babalik ang lungkot at pakiramdam ng pag iisa.

Naiisip ko na lang, may dapat pa ba akong antayin na bukas o di kawalan ang bukas na wala ako.

Ang mabuhay ng walang layunin.

[thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid]

I’m pursuing this career to have a comfortable life for myself and all those dear to me but deep down i know I’m not happy.

I’m traversing this road out of need and not of passion.

[thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid]

Don’t get me wrong. I love them all so dear, It’s just me. I have always been this way and I don’t know why.

[thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid]

Acceptance is not defeat

“You must teach your heart to accept what cannot be changed.” ⁠—Unknown #ThingsItTakesAWhileToUnderstand ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ artwork by @chrisaustinart ⁣ ⁣ It’s such a simple one-sentence intention. But such a difficult practice. ⁣ ⁣ So difficult that, to be vulnerably honest, a lot of times I’ve given up believing it—and would continue to try to change some things in my life that I had no control over whatsoever. Simply because I wouldn’t accept them as they were. ⁣ ⁣ And while it may sound altruistic: to be so stubborn that you still want to change the unchangeable, context and self-awareness matters a lot in this situation: ⁣ ⁣ Are you trying to change a situation? Or are you trying to change your feelings about a situation?⁣ ⁣ Think about that for a minute. Because, chances are, you cannot change either one just like that. Life isn’t so simple (can we accept that much😅?)⁣ ⁣ Here’s a secret: Acceptance is not defeat. Acceptance is both a tool and strategy to move forward. Ironically, we must first pause and accept where/who we are in order to begin to move on and become. Let’s begin nurturing acceptance as a strategy for change and growth.⁣ ⁣ 🌻⁣ @Jovaferreyra ⁣ ⁣ What is one thing you had to accept recently that you couldn’t change? If you’re comfortable, share it in the comments. This could be a great way for us to learn from each other 🌱 https://www.instagram.com/p/CAFR9PCgZ_N/?igshid=1bki28pv8psyt

[thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid]

Single people want relationships, settled people wonder if they’re missing out on something, traveling types miss stability, stable ones are restless, old friends want new friends, new friends miss old friends, and basically almost everyone my age has some dangling worry trailing around after them everywhere that they’re somehow not doing everything, that what they’re doing is not altogether the right thing, that they are missing out. … Do not be ashamed. The doubt is natural, and everyone you know – yes, even that person – carries it sometimes too. Allow yourself to be peaceful. Allow yourself satisfaction in what you have. If you really don’t like it, allow yourself permission to make changes. —Lillian Schneider artwork by mintu

[thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid]

Why won’t you take my hand? I’m not what you planned. I am a safe place to land. I am an honest man.

[thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid]

And i promise you this, i’ll always look out for you.

My heart is yours, it’s you that i hold on to.

[thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid]

“As little as you want to write when you’re happy, that’s how much you have to write when you’re miserable. Your passions have to go somewhere and this is the only place left. Your suffering has to be good for something.”