thirstymercury

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Shannon Cartier Lucy

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La magia di San Galgano, l'abbazia che ha il cielo come tetto.

-James Lucas

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César Vallejo, tr. by Robert Bly, from a poem titled "Have You Anything to Say in Your Defense?,"

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frozen ring beneath a crabapple

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Averill and Sundararajan, "Experiences of Solitude: Issues of Assessment, Theory, and Culture"

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Sonja Hinrichsen: Snow Drawings (2014) Located: Eychauda, France

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Spore print of Amanita Muscarius. Our edible toadstools and mushrooms and how to distinguish them. 1895.

Internet Archive

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meditations in an emergency, cameron awkward-rich

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ANDO Shinji（安藤真司 Japanese, b.1960）

風を感じて（秋） Feel the wind:Autumn　2012　etching, aquatint, drypoint 60.4 x 45.7cm via more

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it is a bad thing that i stopped writing but it is a sad thing to try to begin again and find such familiar thoughts waiting so i think ~like most of me~ the avoidance was Strategic! disconnect or fry the circuits ur choice

im afraid ill never go to japan ? what is this nostalgia for a phantom life ? what romantic projection sat down beside me this morning in the pink recliner painted with coffee rings, surfacing, tuesday i went from my lumbar spine, to zine making, to japan. it is too early. it is always too early to be in a staring contest with the clock of my life, my bones arranged cage-like, the bank-the boulder...hush.. no. not today. another time. confront it all "another time". another time-just two months back really- i was shined up lucky penny with no plus one, starring in my role as "female friend" at the wedding of a woman who'd never wanted me in the room before then. i fooled someone into enjoying a long conversation with me, he'd been to japan, and i told him-truthfully- "i think I've made peace with never going" i don't know how id make it really with any semblance of sanity. my senses are too often lost on my own block. a backwards world? no no i better not what i really might have meant was- "I've been trying on the idea of how i might be alone forever. i might be sick forever. i might be stuck here. forever. like. i have been trying on a coat of thorns and matching it with my shoes. i have been practicing not wincing not reacting at all. i have been training myself to feel content with my biggest fear. i have been sleeping in the room of snakes. i have been Very Grateful. i have been reorganizing..and my dreams don't fit the decor and so- no no. id better not, want at all" so who sat down here today? while i was just meant to be caffeinating for my regularly programmed captivity, who whispered a window backwards-forwards- and said Look? I cant look. I am trying so hard to be good. I am trying so hard to be calm and good and telling myself 'it is what it is'.

maybe when you learn what the world is the first time and you still believe in change, in revolution, in the frame- maybe you subconsciously keep your dreams and reality separate like laundry. 'everythings fucked and cruel and wrong'- and 'when i grow up i will GO go go play play play be be be selfishly untouchable BEYOND all that " you cant mix the two. you know how it would fade the colors bleed shrink down so small it'd choke you...... but decades in you are too tired. you are cruise control you are thinking about your commute. one too many times they get tossed in the same basket. you've lost half the socks of the dreams. reality has turned everything pink and one size too small

so maybe im really feeling something like regret? the implication there-that there was a choice I'd like back- is confusing.

I'm not sure what 31 is to someone in a different body, who had a different "getting here". For me it is "there is far too much time ahead of me, but not enough time to change, some things- seem fixed immutable. the rope tied up to the dock through so many winters it's fused there. but there is far too much time ahead of me, that i expect will go on just like this..a panic "and i am meant to be comfortable??!! " the punctuation is the child. is the whisper. seen not heard. i am trying so hard to stay calm. i am trying to feel something about making a life of decorating the cage. i am trying to forget about Japan entirely. you can scream without opening your mouth. you can scream without making a sound at all!

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Marshall Allen by Marcus Maddox