thoughtsandeverythingelse

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

6 months.

it's been 6 months since i said 'yes' to this boy.

6 months of play, of getting to know myself, of getting to know each other. i guess i still feel the hesitation towards this relationship. i realised i don't feel a sense of 'all-in' or '100%' as i would have with the previous boy that i really liked - but i'm also quite uncertain why. i am aware that it is not meant to be compared apples to oranges, but deep down, i'm a bit confused as to why i feel this way. 6 months of play, of getting to know myself, of getting to know each other. i guess i still feel the hesitation towards this relationship. i realised i don't feel a sense of 'all-in' or '100%' as i would have with the previous boy that i really liked - but i'm also quite uncertain why. i am aware that it is not meant to be compared apples to oranges, but deep down, i'm a bit confused as to why i feel this way. regardless, it's been 6 months - and i said 'i love you' for the first time.

it's funny even with all the hesitation, 'i love you' was something i was pretty confident to say. i saw the way he loves me. since starting my career, he's been nothing but understanding. he is willing to hear all about my cases, he starts the conversation now by asking me 'how was your day' - after i told him i would appreciate if he says so first. he patiently waited for me even after my easter production rehearsals, picked me up from work and ensures that i get a proper meal. i may not be 100% confident - perhaps because his walk with God isn't as evident as i've anticipated my future partner to be. i can't help but compare, but yet the way he loves me - seems so sacrificial and willing. back to the two deal breakers, here is an update: 1. he initiated to start a book with me (James!) but we didn't go far after i mansplained to him in thelogy terms haha. but apparently he went to read it all on his own. i see that he is trying this whole christianity thing, and he even told me himself: i am a christian, i think the whole catholic thing is so structured and God moves a lot more evidently here. OH and also, he's attending YA summit, so yay?

2. acceptance with his family is slow, but it is getting somewhere. i met his parents for the first time in the new year (2024), and ate with his father. his mother is still taking time to warm up to me, but she bought me a bracelet when they were in the phillppines. his cousin and i hung out, and i think she enjoyed it. she also acknowledges that his mother can be a bit, protective.

so i guess you could say, there is somewhat progress. perhaps it is not a steep growth, but there is definitely some form of growth heading in a positive direction. for some reason, i'm sensing a huuuge bulk of hesitation. but i am still unable to pin point why. i told myself to give myself 6 more months, so i guess here we go. but i guess the reason why i was willing to say 'i love you' first was because: 1. i knew he was very ready to say it from the start, and he wanted me to say it to know that i truly meant it.

2. i might have a lot of hesitation towards this relationship. but he has been consistent, and i do look forward to seeing him at the end of the day.

3. i felt that saying those three words first, would have been a significant move for me, to show him (and more so to myself) that i am really, attempting to be serious in this. well God please give me wisdom, because i dont rly know how to navigate where this is going haahha. please show me more in the next 6 months with the 2 points, i could really use it. amen.

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

2023

i find it amusing that i seem to come here when the year starts/ends.

2023 has been a ride. i can't believe 12 months flew by just like that. i suppose i stopped the habit of journaling, simply because i was writing so much academically - processing my thoughts on words felt like a chore. i do think that it is note worthy to pen down what happened in 2023 - so here goes. in 2023, i....

- wrote a thesis (!!!!) - extended my internship at club rainbow singapore - competed for nationals, ended up being first - carried on for Singapore Opens, ended up being second (thats lke 3 months of training non-stop) - 60% OF THE TEAM CAME TO CHURCH. (12 pax!!!!!!) - 14 day grad trip to bali - mission trip to sri lanka - surfed for the first time, loved it so much i went back again in oct - 28 day trip: beijing -> korea -> singapore -> bali. biggest flex was the $800 flight tickets - graduated!!!!!! - family trip to korea - went for ONE job interview and got it. - started dating (!!) got a boyfriend (!!!!!!!) it's funny because i would never imagine myself dating someone like Gerard. he was a catholic, he did not know the Lord, he is non-chinese, and he is the only child. it totally goes against most of what i believe in. but yet, he loves so willingly, serves quickly. he is quick to listen, and slow to speak. he reflects with humility, and is always quick to apologise first. he treats me well and right, and accepts me for who i am. he cares to improve himself all the time, never challenges my argument but only humbly apologises and aims to improve. he makes me laugh, trusts me as his being. he has a teachable spirit, and has a gift of teaching. he connects with the 'weird' and different, yet finds no problem with it at all.

he is everything i never expected myself to date, but yet... everything i realise i could need. i'm not sure yet, to where this is going.

i remember when i went out with Dawson, and though - a charming white man taking me out, treating me 'right', potentially able to fufill me sexually, it still did not sit right with me. one might say its because he does not love the Lord and while that might be true - i find myself thinking about Gerard for loving me as i am.

Gerard knows my love for the Lord. i dont have to hide it. i can be honest with him, and myself, and he embraces it all. he does not think its weird (i think haha) and even tries to meet me at my level. he might not know the bible in depth like a scholar does, but his heart speaks differently. Gerard is willing to take me as i am. i dont have to change anything, act differently, or become another person. i came as i am, and he liked that.

thats why, i concluded someone like Dawson does not seem appealing. To love one as they are, seems like a gift almost. But i remember telling the Lord, i want to hold onto this loosely because i am unsure where this is going. i appreciate the company, enjoy the plays, the highs and the lows - maybe even the lust a bit too much, but yet i am unsure if i want to stay committed to this.

i am concerned because what if im tying myself down? what if i'm actually not as interested?

but recently, i catch myself staring at him thinking, 'how can someone like this, like me as i am?' i am uncertain where this is going. but i know i would still want to try, regardless. he brings me a certain company i cannot find anywhere else, and i am thankful for that. i told him i'd give this 6 months. i gagged at him when he asked me to be his girlfriend. to which - all of it, he was still okay. he's willing to try. he wants to make it work.

i am not sure if i do too. but yet, i am confused where my hesitations lie.

'this is a good one. dont let it go. if it was so easy to find god-loving men, everyone would have been attached now.'

someone said this to me the other day, and i was asking myself if i have been lying to myself if i couldnt admit this. he truly loves me, and i know that. i was also told to have a few dealbreakers to access how this relationship is going.

How is his walk with God? is it growing? does he love the Lord?

family involvement. how has acceptance into his family been?

of course, no.1 truimphs it all. i am not sure if i would get a response, even in 6 months time. but i know that i am willing to sit through the tough part as he is moulding and refining his walk with God. and i know, i have to be patient on this. So help me God, for i am unsure how and what to proceed. help me to be faithful, to be obedient, to be discerning, to be patient and to be kind. amen.

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

reminisce

just like that, it’s 2023. 

the rest of 2022 felt like a mild blur - yet there were some crucial moments that happened. my brain feels as though, it is stuck in the past.  i find myself reminiscing through old photos a lot more, thinking about memories a lot harder than i normally would. it seemed as if, i can’t move on from 2022.  in 2022, i..  - told a boy i liked him  - ran a relay race, got 3rd by God’s grace  - had the team over for CNY dinner at my place  - drove my first bluesg  - walked for IVP - won the team spirit medal  - had coach come over for easter service!! - caught covid LOL - got to know joel chow - ran to jb - went to the UK for the first time in my life; which then leads to many firsts  - lost my first kiss  - family trip out to malaysia in a while  - extended my internship - became an aunt  - went to vietnam  - ^ which then lead to another round of firsts  - went out on 2 bumble dates  i find it hard to wrap up my 2022 because it felt like i did not catch a break since the end of my internship. i think it feels extra hard this time because everything seems to connected together - work, school, thesis. thoguh they havent been playing a very big part in its nature, the interlinks between each responsibilities feel like it gave me a lack of space to breathe.  i catch myself thinking about the UK a lot. perhaps it represents a new breath of fresh air. a completely new environment. a new culture, a restart.  but with its ‘newness’, holds its place for its experiences too. in that, maybe it holds a small space of shame. 

my heart still flutters a bit when i see a photo of me being intimate with sam. i struggle to not have an emotion when i look at these memories, simply because they hold great meaning for me. after all, this was a boy that i really liked, and eventually lost my first kiss too. there is bound to have some form of emotional hold on that. 

i.. feel lost at my current season. it is feburary of 2023 - but why havent i felt that i caught a break? 

my heart feels restless all the time. one thing due, one after the other - i feel the temptation to be irresponsible. perhaps a part of me has already eaten into the temptation. a part of me might even be ‘heading to a burn out’. i am struggling to stand in front of jesus. i dont know what to say. this confuses me, because i feel that my anchor, that i hold close to, seem so far away in the oceans. 

i feel trapped by my past, and the seasons that i have been in. i cant seem to see what lies ahead of me, and the lack of direction is killing me. i am not sure if i am stubborn, or i refuse to stand before the lord to at least.. say something. anything. 

i dont know if i have the strength to even stand in front of the lord. 

i feel weak, and my flesh, weary. trust, i must - i should say. but trust, i can’t - it seems. i feel like a headless chicken running around, looking for a direction. perhaps even the chicken has a greater sense of direction than i. 

i wasnt sure where this note is going. i feel the need to lament. maybe in my pride, lamenting is the only thing i know how to do. i am uncertain.   dear God,  what do i say? what can i say? 

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

as the year ends (1)

so as the year ends.. i cant believe im about to do this. 

truth be told, i still struggle with this decision. it feels like it might be a wrong move, that i will completely regret and ruin the dynamics of our friendship. i think thats where the fear stems from. 

if i am guaranteed that there will be nothing that changes from our dynamic (which will most probably happen eventually, maybe it will be different in the initial week) - i dont think my decision will change. 

its funny how i have been thinking of this decision since oct 2020, but never had the guts to do it. call it obedience, call it fear - i am unsure of the exact title this should be labelled. 

but as the hours count down tomorrow, as i have thought about the many potential responses, as we went through the last session of emerge together - i still chuckle at how strange God is. 

i mean seriously, even as i face these feelings - he had to be my secret santee. what a morbid joke haha. 

i thought about what i would say, and its strange how things seem different compared to a year ago. its strange bc of the circumstances, the situation and what came out of it. it still feels puzzling, but i guess the underlying context is the same. 

so with all my heart, here goes - 

“Dear Jerome,

mm i guess i actually wanted to tell you that i liked you.. for quite a while now. my intention of telling you is for me to move on, and to give some form of closure to what i’ve been feeling. if you asked, i think these feelings were only made aware fo me since oct 2020. it was hard admitting to myself, because i really treasured the friendship that we shared and i’d hated for anything to come in between that. i actually wanted to tell you before last year ended, but with flek, and ministry, i decided that it wouldnt be the wisest decision. 

i just wanted to tell you that it is and always will be a privilege that i got to be a part of your life. being loved by you, and loving you were one of the greatest joys yet confusing moments this year. i wanted to bring this up because lookin gback now, i realised that there were many things that could have been prevented. perhaps i was not clear with my boundaries, because i also enjoyed receiving the privileges i got. inevitably, it eventually felt quite confusing because of the things i got to receive, but yet felt like i was treated in a special manner. 

i dont believe that it is one fault or the other, because these things that two hands to clap. but naturally, i think as time and our frequency progressed, it got harder to love you as the months went by. perhaps loving you was easy, but checking my intentions and emotions before everything i did was so hard. 

i found myself thinking 3 steps ahead before i chose the act of love (eg. even praying with you for emerge). i asked myself things like, what is my intention before doing anything, why do i do it and what is the intended outcome. was it to show you a nicer side of me? was it to please myself and pride myself in an ‘ideal?’ 

it became so tiring and it felt so tough loving you - i knew that it wasnt sustainable. 

i think the pivotal point was when we disagreed on the CT which ended up in a ugly situation. i wanted to tell you by then how i actually felt, but in that time off that i took, there were many tragectories that it could have gone. am i less angry at you because i want you to like me? do i show you more grace, just because of my personal emotions? then if there are no feelings involved, would there be less grace? 

someone asked me if i couldnt take it anymore, and if my feelings were hindering the ministry that we serve in. would i say it to you at the 6 months mark? 

i contemplated. i did think about it, just so that i could share and have a peace of mind. 

in the end, of course i didnt tell you eventually. i found that above all, as cliche as it is, i wanted to choose God. after our disagreement, i was so convicted that i wanted to choose God over any emotions/feelings that i had, because i knew if i shared, it could potentially impact these leaders that had nothing to do with it. 

there should be no reason why our leaders should be affected by our personal feelings, and because of that conviction, i deicded to wait till teh end of the year. 

needless to say, i didnt expect you to be dating so quick either. i dont think anything should and will change, but i wanted to share this tonight so that i can get some closure - but more importantly, that we are both aware that our actions have consequences, and we never know who might be impacted by the things that we do. 

i think the hurt was inevitable, but i believe that it was never in your intention to do so. i wanted to tell you this because perhaps it might help you be more aware of how we can affect and impact another based on what we do, and myself included. 

if anything, i think this just exposed a lot of my insecurities, awareness and things that i learnt about myself and God too. im glad that because of this, i got to see God’s love through you, but also learn so much more about God character in this process. 

it is never in my intention to confuse or hurt you after i share this, and im sorry. i would apprecaite if you can keep this to yourself, and perhaps just jia li. i respect and would want to honor her position in this dynamic, and hoenstly, i dont think there should be any changes. 

i mean the fact that our frequency cut since you started dating shows that you can be capable of understanding boundaries and space - such as how often we have texted comparing the start of the year now. but perhaps im not sure if anyone has told you from the perspective of the receiving party. i also dont want to have this messiah complex of just calling out someone’s faults, becuas ei fully recognise the faults of my own as well. i shoudlnt have dragged things out, i shoudl have said no when i was uncomfortable or tired, and i shouldnt have just ‘gone with the flow’. 

if you really had to share this with someone, i would appreciate if you shared with someone who is older. that is all i ask. 

thank you for the year my friend. thank you for loving me a lot. i felt very loved, and it is really on my prayer that you love well and you love the greatest One. 

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

clink clank keys

i cant believe this day is here. never in my life, i would expect myself to make this decision. 

it was probably a very fast turn of events, within 3 weeks and it was settled. but it has been dragging since forever i guess. 

i am unsure why this thought came by. perhaps it was due, or maybe it was my own accord. 

its strange how everything feels so much more real now, only when i have to say good. 

makes me think about the ‘could have’s or the ‘what ifs’. ‘what if i chose to pursue grade 8, and fufill the diploma my dad always wanted?’  ‘what if we had family worship nights?’ 

i knew i did not do piano anymore because of poly. the capacity and attention required was just beyond what i was willing to commit. 

family worship nights will always be a vulnerable thing to me - but i guess it can still be a possibility. 

with every practical being of me, i know that this is a wise decision. i know that this is something that is helpful, beneficial, necessary. i know that the child that will take this piano, will use it well, to give her a second life. 

the things of this world are not mine to hold forever, i know that. 

but this still stings, you know? the hole in the room will probably feel emptier like never before. this piano felt sacred, to a certain point where i believe that things should not be crossed (one should not watch anything that is associated with it). 

the piano was important to me. but then again, i remembered how it brought out the worst in me. the rude comments, the detest, the spite, the impatience and the anger - that was associated with it too. 

but i still loved it. it made me feel things that perhaps words cant say. it played lovely chords that made my heart feel. it gave me a chance to meet God, or rather, a space for God to meet me. 

it occupied half my living room, which probably encapsulated the space it had in my heart. unfortunately as the years go by, i hardly play with it anymore because of the discipline and priorities i had. and with the tough technicalities of the piano (eg. the volume) - it made it very hard to practice in the night. 

perhaps i dont feel the grieve of it now. maybe it was not intentional, but my dad made a comment, ‘it’s been a while since i heard you play. and for some strange reason, it felt sad.’ 

i guess i am. this is a lot tougher to let go than i expect. i really thought, this was going to go into my future home with me. 

but in the words of my wise mother, ‘you dont need to ask for it back. you will marry a rich man, and he can buy you a completely new one.’ 

with the piano leaving - it made me realise a bunch of things too. 

the sheer improvement of my relationship with my mother. tolerance has flipped into acceptance. i for once, was okay with asking her to come sing with me. 

with the last night of me playing, she secretly recorded my last few songs. and danced sillily to it. 

maybe it is my pride that cost me the weight of everything - to not be able to play or sing with my parents. or to feel comfortable with them hearing my mistakes and errors. i dont know if having an electric piano can change that. but at the very least, i am now aware i guess. 

So Dear Eden, 

say hello to your new piano! i am glad, that you are enjoying music. i received this piano when i was around your age, say primary 1-2. when i first got it, i thought it was so cool. you’d realise that it might be loud, and your hands might ache a bit. well, that’s all part of the process! as time passes, you’d realise that your fingers will get stronger. you might realise that papa mama is able to listen to you play. Dear Eden, please never feel self-conscious of your music. Your Papa and Mama love you very much - and I am sure they will enjoy your music, just like how my Papa and Mama did.  This piano has brought me through many things - from learning classical music (like Beethoven & Chopin), to learning the latest pop songs. This piano also a fair share of fun piano battles and duets. It has brought me great joy in music, but more importantly - it allowed me to discover God in a whole new way. it is my prayer for you, that you will meet God here too. Many tears of sadness (and joy) were shed here, but also the revelations and discovery of who Jesus is. May you open up endless opportunities for God to meet you too.  May you fall in love with music and with this piano as much as I did. Take care of it, and enjoy the process.  Love,  Sheila 

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

reconciliation

tbh didnt have the intention of journaling this down, but i guess it was a lesson to be learnt. 

over the weekend, i had a disagreement with the last person i ever thought i would disagree. 

basically, he messed up. he committed to something that clearly he had no capacity to, but instead of communicating it to me - he chose to just stick it up. 

this resulted in it backfiring, in turn affect me, and the leaders under us. 

i ended up taking up the responsibility, because he clearly had no capacity to do so. i felt that it was unfair, because that gave me such little lead time, which he could have prepared for. at the same time, it really affected what the leaders could learn. 

it didnt help that it made me feel so flustered and overwhelmed. it felt like he just abandoned all responsibility to me, leaving me to cover his shit just cause he had a fun night. 

it took a while to realise that i was affected. we called in the morning, and he apologised. said he wont do it again. took responsibility, and was accountable to his actions. tries to overcompensate because he felt guilty. 

i thought i was okay. but the sight of him during contact time - just irked me. 

the sight of his face, his presence - i wanted nothing to do with him. i wanted him to leave, because how dare you bring yourself in, thinking everything is alright - all righteous, when you had to leave me to deal with this?

he tried texting me during the session itself. then the session after. he tried showing me his support during master teaching, but i just wanted him to back off. 

i didnt want to have anything to do with him, i wanted him to shut up and leave. dont try to make this all better, just because you feel guilty. i dont want your guilt-ridden actions. i dont want to be a part of this. 

he texted me again after the whole day ended. i chose not reply. 

i did it because i was so upset with him. i knew that if i had to reply, i might say things that would potentially hurt him. did you not know, you hurt me? was our time not important? is ministry not important? am i not important? how could you do this to me? you tell me you ‘love me’ and you will ‘not do anything to jeopardise my fear’ when the year started, where is that attitude now?’  out of everyone, how could you, hurt me?

but all of me knows, that is hurtful. all of me knows, if i said that to him, he would be crushed with guilt. then he might potentially want to do actions just to ‘please me’, to feel less guilty. not because he wants to serve with me well, but because he want to serve me well.

and i dont want it. i dont want your guilt-ridden service. 

“hey is everything fine?” yea everything is fine. whats up “you sure?”

yea. i think i need a time out. 

i knew that if i didnt call for that, i might really hurt him. i might say things that i dont mean, that i wanted him to back off, to leave me and give me my space to think. to be upset, and to be hurt. all of me knows, i really needed the time out. 

but all of me also knows, i want him to be hurt. genuinely. i wanted him to be hurt, for the same amount he hurt me. i wanted him to feel the hurt and the anguish i had to go through.

but also all of me knows, that is not loving. that is not godly, and that is totally unfair for him. after all, he just made one small mistake. its not like he cheated on me, or he totally abandoned the whole ministry and not showed up. he just had way too much of a fun night, totally let go of his responsibilities and just had enjoyed it. 

a part of me wished he did not enjoy the night. thats probably because i knew that while he was enjoying, i was up thinking about this. worry about what his plan would be. 

i am not sure what happened to his head space when i called for a time out. but either way, in his words, the ball was in my court. 

either way, he would have been in a losing situation. if he set the time for me to be ready, it would seem that he did not give me my space. but because i made the call, then his lack of response would seem like he is not being initiative. he would lose, either way. 

i am surprised at how much this affected me. maybe because a part of me was surprised, at how high of a pedestal i placed him. rather, that my expectations of him and his character - were completely torn that night. i totally did not expect how far and how much he would disappoint me. 

i cried with the anger i was feeling, because i also felt that it was unjust for my leaders. it was not fair, that their learning had to be subpar because their leader was not ready. at the same time, i felt so unfair that he threw everything to me, while he had a good night. 

eventually, i had a nice small cry, took a nap and went for a run. i was wondering, what went through his mind in the those 4 hours. things i would wonder: how are you doing? did you spiral? were you upset? how did you feel? what is going through your mind?

my mind was struggling to think of him as a friend, a co-leader, and a potential romantic partner. am i okay with this attitude, and how does this affect my view of him? 

during my run, i knew that i was dragging this a lot longer than i expected. it might have been pure anguish for him, i am not sure. but i knew that i needed the run, and i needed my space. 

eventually, i decided to put this to rest - because i didnt want to carry this into the new week. 

mustering all my courage, i dropped him a text saying that we should talk tonight. what shall we talk about? i dont know. am i prepared? i am unsure either. probably not. 

we finally got on the call. he looks tired. ‘what are we going to talk about’

we both were clueless. we both thought both parties had something to say, when neither had no idea what to say. 

eventually, i found out how he was feeling. he mentioned he felt horrible the whole day, to the point where he just didnt want to do anything. that made me feel a bit better, ngl. it felt nice to know you suffered too. 

there were many instances i wanted to say things that were hurtful. but i knew, that i cannot use blaming language. to make him feel hurt, or to say things to put him down. i knew very well, if i said it - my intention was to hurt. and that to me, was not loving. what’s the point of saying all of this, when there is literally no purpose?

i have no reason to make you feel hurt, because i know, that you are already hurt. that you feel bad, and you feel guilty. perhaps that to me, was enough. 

i told him how i felt. not absolutely honest feelings, because he was already feeling as bad as it is. but just matter of the fact, objective thoughts. 

i felt flustered, i felt overwhelmed. i felt that it wasnt fair for the leaders, that they learnt nothing. the personal side of me wants to care for how he’s feeling, but the objective side of me felt so hurt from what he did, knowing his thoughts would have irked me. 

he apologised. that he didnt wish that i would have gone through that. that he was sorry for putting me through this. 

what more can i say? he took responsibility, and he apologised. if i had to elaborate any further, i knew my intentions might have been ill.  i tried to keep it as objective as possible. 

but more importantly, how could i be so critical, when i know that the Lord would forgive him? that his Grace is truly enough, and who am i to deny that? 

how can i hold onto this anger and disappointment, when it would have been so selfish and unloving for me? how could i deny His grace, His patience and His mercies? 

i had every right to be upset, no doubt. but i dont think i have the right to hurt him, to guilt trip him or to manipulate him. 

better still, i dont want it. i dont want his overcompensation. perhaps i would rather consistency - but then again, that is a personal expectation which he might fail me. 

i guess another part of me is also upset because he promised at the start of the year that he would try to make my worries not come true. that he will do whatever it takes to make it work. and his one small action of not giving a shit for one night, just broke that consistent part of his character, that i trusted. 

do i still look at him any less, after today? 

i told him no. but i think a part of me doesnt think thats true. 

i cannot deny, i am hurt. that your action, made me doubt your character, and your consistency. it feels like a two steps forward, one step back kinda move. 

does that mean to say, he wont change? i dont think so. i believe i should still be understanding and open enough to trust that he can be otherwise. and should anything change again, perhaps it would speak more of his character, more than mine. 

so jesus, when i say - i leave my thoughts, my feelings and my actions unto you, i want to mean it. 

and thank you for using this as an opportunity for the both of us to learn more about ourselves, and each other. 

please guard my heart, my thoughts and everything else that flows from it.

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

greater vulnerability

training today was tough. not just physically tough, but emotionally tough. 

the idea that someone is there watching u all the time, to correct your form every 2 seconds, to push you (literally) to your limits - while 7 other pairs of eyes just stare as you try and fail, that was tough. 

‘its okay. it is quite hard, and you have to get used to it.’ ‘just try.’ 

i am met with these graceful and patient answers, that i can never forget. 

but the idea that there is someone invested enough (granted, also being paid for it haha) to correct and genuinely wanting to watch you succeed and do well - which come in forms of occasionally nagging, increased verbal correction in yelling, and a whole lot of patience as he watches you struggle - what a strange feeling. 

it felt so vunerable because i felt so exposed. the idea of inadequacy never felt so loud, i absolutely hated it - but yet these emotions of self-doubt (and perhaps self-loathing) were met with unexpected responses. 

responses that gave advice instead of criticism. that self-doubt was met with encouragement and cheers. cheers to try, cheers to not fail, that we are in this together. 

perhaps thats what it means to be in a team. someone with 5 years of experience will still find the workout intense. would they be able to conquer it at a different pace? of course. but am i placed in that expectation? no. 

there was some form of humility when coach placed his hand on me to correct my form. the idea of correcting me made me realised - there is someone else that can see my flaws, but chooses to look beyond that, and wants to help improve it instead. 

perhaps in my cynical mind, i would have thought coach would think that i am not good enough and not worth investing. i was wrong. 

he corrected, encouraged, let me try it all over again on my own, realised i failed, then corrected again. he gave me the space to grow, to improve, but also the patience to allow me to realise - i am still in good hands, even if i did nothing right. 

this strange concept, is met with an emotion that is oddly reassuring. 

perhaps when exposed, there is nothing to hide anymore. and therefore, i am free to live and to receive! 

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

not to be satisfied

earlier this week i went out to train on my own. with some courage, i got up and tried some circuit laps on my own. i realised in that moment - i dont think i was satisfied with ‘just showing up’. 

honestly, i am totally okay with not applying for heats. perhaps its in the knowledge of knowing that i am truly not ready yet, i am genuinely inadequate due to my experience - and that is okay too! 

i wanted to be (and i am) okay with my lack of experience, bc i wanted to be intentional with my pace, with my progress and not rush through the learning. i have people running in track for more than 5 years, how could i compare? 

with that being said, i was not satisfied in just showing up because i wanted to at least try to put effort. my greatest fear with this is that it requires commitment. i fear because i feel that i am not ready. what if i get fickle? what if i decided that this isnt for me anymore? what if i get bored of it? 

i fear because i cannot predict what will happen in the future. what if i set too high of an expectation for myself, and when i fail to meet it - i want to run away from this? 

but i know that there has to be a special reason why i am placed here. the incident on the train, that felt like no coincidence. 

i’ve come to realise that, being committed, takes effort. it takes effort to try. and in the midst of this, i was not contented with just ‘showing up’. i know thats the least my coach expects - just show up and do your best. if you cant complete the sets planned for today, that is okay. because you showed up, and that is enough. 

but i am not contended with showing up. i am starting to see that i want to try, i want to put effort. not just because i want to potentially join heats. but because what’s the point of just showing up when i know that i can put effort into this? that i am capable of training on my own? 

because i fear commitment, i fear to take action into committing. buying a new pair of shoes felt like torture for me (however necessary) - because it felt like i cared so much that i wanted to have better equipment. 

likewise, the idea of buying a watch has been on my mind. i (intentionally) refused to entertain this thought because i did not want to do anything that demonstrates my act of commitment. 

but in the midst of training on my own yesterday, i realised the necessity. 

but today, it felt easier to commit. just ‘showing up’ isnt enough for me anymore. i found myself wanting to try harder, wanting to do better. 

the inertia was real, but baby steps it is. i know that i wanted to get a watch to show my sign my commitment, but nothing too intense that it’d scare me away. to be frank, i honestly needed one with a stop watch. 

but i went to daiso instead. who knew, a simple $2 watch actually meant something? it kinda defeated my purpose of having a stopwatch - but baby steps. 

and today, it felt easier to say that i wasnt contended with just, showing up. 

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

a grieving process

by some strange coincidence, i met my first love today. 

hahahaha how dramatic. but in all honesty, it was the first boy i ever thought i liked. 

i was a grocery store waiting for an old friend, and i was enjoying myself with the music and the quiet walk along the freezers. 

i looked up, and locked eyes with a pair that seemed so familiar. 

he probably said something, which i totally missed because of the banging music in my ears. 

‘its so good to see you!’ - as i said, as i gently pat him on the shoulder. that was probably a bad move. 

‘what are you doing now?’ ‘how have you been?’ ‘what are you studying?’ 

it was genuinely, a pleasant sight. 

it’s funny how i met him again - but this time, in a completely different season. 

perhaps a more comfortable one, one that feels a bit more secure. 

his eyes, felt so familiar, so comfortable - yet foreign. 

ngl, i felt a bit disoriented. that genuinely felt so strange for a bit haha. 

perhaps its the idea of ‘could have’s, ‘what if’s and everything else that was accompanied with it. 

but to say that there is security in being single in this season, i am thankful. 

thankful that i have the courage and strength to say it. but also feeling the fear of my courage. i guess thats where the tension lies. 

but the rest of my day was lovely too! i loved that i got to talk to someone i loved - talking about the future, and moving on into what’s to come. it was a bit tiring to constantly talk about the past, but i guess that’s a part of a grieving process. 

to grief about our desires, about how the past was good. but i guess that could be what stops us from moving forward too. the constant habit of looking back and ‘thinking of the good times’ - perhaps thats the danger of reminiscing. 

the idea that reminiscing can affect how one views their future. that it causes them to grapple with what the future can hold, and choose to hold onto the past instead. 

that danger, can be so enjoyable yet frightening. frightening not just in how the future is unpredictable, but frightening in how it can have a hold on one’s life and affect its trajectory. all because we choose to move forward. 

reminiscing is lovely, but it can be so dangerous as well. may that be a reminder for you. 

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

i am glad, you are doing well :-)

thinking about the progression of how this has been cracks me up sometimes. 

i find myself mostly feeling okay, and occasionally still wondering about the what ifs, the whys and the hows. 

by some strange coincidence, i found out a friend that i am working with was once your camper. that felt strange. 

couldnt resist clicking onto your profile, so i did. 

i am glad to see, that you are doing well. 

you remind me that seasons will change, and so will people. you remind me to never (constantly) look at the past. that the past is not meant to be glorified, but instead perhaps to also move on from. 

that there is no purpose in looking back all the time, because it can stop us from moving forward. that it can be unhealthy to look back all the time and to talk about the past, which i can be stuck with sometimes. 

perhaps its the lack of closure that bugs me. but i guess that comes with whatever that has happened. and truly, that closure can only come from Him. 

sometimes i wonder what happens if we meet each other on campus. what would you say? how would i respond? 

but these can be unnecessary thoughts i guess. there is no point in thinking about these things, and it can be such a waste of time dwelling in it.  even without you around, you remind me to look forward and move on. 

so thank you for that. :) 

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

on the table

“there will always be food on the table”. 

i cant seem to get this sentence out of my mind, for the past 3 days. 

finally met a random young kid, after she was intentional to ask me out. it was strange, it was going to feel uncomfortable, and i genuinely was nervous about how it would go. 

it happened after a vulnerable call we had together - when she shared about what she was going through, what her family struggles with, and real details about her life. 

“i was an accident.”. no child, should ever say that. no one, should ever say that. 

she invited me to her place for her birthday, and it was a privilege to celebrate her - turning 12. 

i sat with her grandmother and her for lunch. it honestly felt like i was going for a house visit to a client, and i couldnt stop myself from wanting to assess the situation. perhaps not indepth, but the idea of speaking about what the kid goes through - in front her face. 

her grandmother talked about the struggles they faced, about how she had to take care of the kid, that she was just ‘thrown to her’. a part of wonders, how she would take it if her grandmother passes away. 

but i want to say, i think the Lord knows that. i think the Lord knows when it is time, when the timing would be best, because He makes things beautiful, in His time.

i honestly didnt expect to write this down (even though i should have), but something hit me hard during the service earlier. 

there is no excuses, to not be called. 

i am struggling to accept this, because i dont know how to love. i dont know if it is ‘my call’ to accept to love this young kid. a part of me wants to ‘fill’ that motherly care that she lacks - how prideful but i also have no idea what that looks like, and whether it is appropriate. 

but God, i see the need. the need for an older sister figure in her life, that is so important. my heart breaks because i see the Lord’s faithfulness in her life. in both their lives.  the simple life and faith they lead - even though they dont have much, but they still serve the people around them, even if it means just a simple birthday meal with the simplest (and still favourite) ingredients - prawn, fried chicken, stir fried veggies. 

it was not much. but it was so simple. so much contentment. so much to learn from. 

“there were days really, pocket money is hard to get, but i make sure, the kid goes to school with at least $4-$5 in her pocket for school. everyday.” “we dont have much, but at the end of the day, i know, there will always be food on the table.”  God, what do i do? what is my role in this? do you want me to serve this family? you see the need, and how do i play a part in this? my heart breaks because i truly see the need. but i am also so in AWE of the insane faith they have. i am IN AWE of how faithful they are, how they believe at the end of the day, stomachs will be full, and bellies will be filled. 

how they believe that they dont have to worry about tomorrow, because truly, the Lord will provide. please teach me to learn about this God. 

that You will provide financially, relationally, spiritually, emotionally, and everything else. You will provide - and all i have to do, is to believe. 

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

signs of love/boundaries (?)

as usual, i dont really know why i am posting this. the past quarter has been nothing but lovely with my partnership with him. i am sick and tired sometimes talking about this, but i do see the necessity as well.  i was talking to someone about the acts that i have been receiving, and realised i never noted these things down. perhaps its bc of the fear that comes along, that i fear that day i will read back on these posts and wished for the ‘could have’s and the ‘should have’s.  granted, i am still thankful for: - the ever growing support i receive in ministry - the patience and trust when he pass me his car keys - that one late supper meal that i never knew i needed; never felt like i deserved it, didnt really expect it, but received it there was an act that has been lingering in my mind, and perhaps it might help noting it down. i don’t know. 

but we were on a call catching up and discussing about ministry, when his friend came by and saw that we were talking.  the convo went something along the lines of:  ‘you talking ah’

ya. 

‘oh, she’s cute’  yea super!  *friend gives a stare*  friend only la.  i know he is affectionate, but these things confuse me. 

today we had shephards mentoring, which ended up at dinner in a korean restaurant.  because i was sitting at the end of the table, as usual, he would serve the food onto my plate. i think he was just being lovely.  it’s honestly been a bit tiring to second guess these things, tbh. 

but over dinner as he was scooping soup, he asked our friend, ‘do you eat prawns?’ “do you want it peeled?” me: what, then are you going to peel it him: no ah, i was going to volunteer you.  him: you eh, do you eat prawns? me: yea sure, only if it’s peeled.  he smirks and starts telling a story about how if a girl response back to his affection, he might respond saying, ‘eh sorry im not ready for commitment hahaha’ 

so he casually looked over and said, ‘ya so with the prawn peeling thing ah.. ya im not ready for that kind of commitment’  i laughed and of course, i didnt expect him to do it because it felt so intimate to me. told him to just leave the prawn there, and i’d eat it later.  moments after during the meal, he looked over and said, ‘do u want the prawn?’

and i jokingly said, “ya only if its peeled ah. but ok i know u not ready for commitment”

and he rolled up his sleeves and said, ‘aiya you know what, ready or not - just DO LA’ 

and he picked up the prawn from the pot and starting peeling. we were laughing away because i casually said make sure he does it right, or else ‘i’d just be eating the head hahahaha’ 

with the small act of love, he places the perfectly peeled prawn in my bowl.  “eh my family owns seafood restaurant one leh, are you judging my prawn peeling skills” i know he probably has the most innocent intentions at heart. at least, thats my guess. i dont know if he’d do this for anyone else, but i dont doubt that he wont do it. im sure granted, he’s more than willing to do it for the rest of our friends.  but this is where i am confused - the act of love has always been on my mind as i second guess everything. i would like to think he doesnt have any ill-intentions, but thats something that i guess i wont fully know. 

i think what hurt more, was right before dinner we were in the bus and he casually mentioned, that he was sitting right behind the two girls he used to like. 

“did you feel anything?” “yea.” that one simple response - how can i trust you with how i truly feel? perhaps you do with me, but your response has been making me feel insecure, that perhaps i will probably be not good enough.  which is a COMPLETELY whack concept that i need to step out from. this is horrible, because i am starting to see myself less than the girls that he likes, because i might ‘not be good enough’. i dont think that’s how the Lord sees me, but how weak is the human heart!  so Lord, i dont really know where i am going with this. i have this compulsive need to want to tell someone about it, to keep me accountable, but i also have this need to keep this to myself, because i deem this act precious and intimate. may You please guard my heart, as truly - my human flesh is so weak. 

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

track me

today, i went for my first every sports activity that’s from the school. i joined track today!  tbh, i think my intention for joining was pure: - i wanted to have a fuller campus related life  - i wanted to let my parents attend a competition once to watch me compete, bc i believe that this atmosphere is quite unlike the others it was lovely. for an activity that i truly struggled with, bc it started out with how i wanted to lose weight, im quite proud to see that i decided to take this step to make it an activity.  granted, i’ve always fiercely protected this time of mine. for instance, running for me has always been an intentional effort to spend time with the Lord.  which probably explains my mild fear of joining, that i’d get too caught up in the competition that i fail to see who im running for, and get caught in what im running after.  i guess this is where i learn, to balance the tension between the activity the the soul of it. i dont think my training for tracks are meant for jesus exclusively - i mean yes, i still hold this activity close to my heart. but i can feel the difference in how i treat it.  (based on my v limited experience today), time in track feels like a task based thing. im here to conquer my physical demons, hit me with it. it’s a cathartic experience, that perhaps is spurred on with people around me who want to go through this cathartic experience together as well.  but when i run with jesus on my own, it feels intimate. it is where i expect myself to be vulnerable, to cry, to be upset, to speak, to listen, and to be intentional with it.  i guess then that in a sense, cant compare to my time in track. my time in track is purely objective, and i kinda enjoy the simplicity in the objectivity. more so, i enjoy the company that it accompanies.  im genuinly surprised when i hear people say, ‘i think you have potential.’ ‘i dont think you should stop.’  ‘i think you should try.’ for a previously fat kid, with no prior experience into the athlete’s world, with the slightly immense struggle of being competitive, i think i am learning.  but if there’s any statement that i want to take away today, is the sheer sentence of, ‘all you have to do - is show up.’ there’s so much simplicity in that sentence, but so much complexity in the nature of it. it seems to easy to just be present. but in being present, finds my complexity. to give my all, to sustain through, to hang in there - these are things that are so easily spoken of but yet so hard to achieve. i want to give this a shot, but im genuinely worried about how much is going on my plate.  dear Jesus, if this is your will, then ok your way pls 

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

‘nah’

“nah,” he says, as he reaches out with a bag that contains a bag of egg tarts.  work hasnt been easy, but i think this is on me. i chose to go for this. i chose to want to learn, i chose to place these things on myself. it is on me. but nonetheless, im thankful for the guidance that has been placed - i truly appreciate it!  today at work a message came in. he texted, asking for a pint of ice cream, and if we could meet halfway for me to pass it to him.  honestly, i really wanted to ignore that message. i wanted to ignore because simply, i wanted to see him there. i wanted him to come in, to sit down. for me to have the opportunity to brew him a cup, for us to have a long conversation, or to do “ministry”, hahahha.  but i knew that wasnt going to happen. i knew that he was tired, and i wanted to respect that.  but unfortunately, work caught me. someone had a work place accident, and i had to OT. we would still meet granted, just on the condition that everything is pushed back. i didnt expect anything, was probably just slightly bummed out that i might be late for my night class.  ended work and i dropped a text -  me: just left ! (did this real quick as i was leaving, so that he might have time to prep that im otw even though i texted on such short notice)  him: you just left? me: yea  him: okay hang tight. i’d come find you  honestly, i was surprised - bc i totally did not expect this at all.  him: im at the back, at the carpark.  i walk towards the car and open the door. he asks, ‘have you eaten?’ me: nope  him: nah, here.  he puts his hand out, it was three egg tarts in a bag.  honestly, i did not expect that. i was lowkey a bit dying because i missed my meal, and i was thinking how i could have settled it then.  i go into the car, he shows me that he’s with his friends on zoom. this is strange, bc that means they can see that he’s in the car - which he might have to explain why.  he introduces me as usual, saying: sheila wants to say hi  i say hi to his friends, who at this rate - arent unfamiliar to me.  “hey sheila!” they say.  that felt slightly strange, because that meant that they would have known he was picking me up.  i casually put my seatbelt back on, he looks over and says, “i got say i want to send you home meh?”  knowingly, i know that he would. or at least, i would assume. but then again, in that moment, i truly second guessed. like oh shit, did i assume too much? then how should i reply him? so i played along and probably said something like ‘if u not sending me home then i go out now lor/then u come for what’ tbh, i dont remember hahaha.  but of course, i got a ride back home. im not sure if it was him of initiated, or i asked, but for some reason i only remember him saying, ‘eat.’  and me replying, ‘in the car?’  and him saying, ‘yea, that’s fine.”  i gobbled like two in like 10 mins. ahahhaha. i was too hungry oops. but that was so strange.  strange to be honest about receiving love.  strange to blatant about it.  strange to receive freely.  strange to assume that this is love.  strange to assume that he wanted to love me.  i mean, it could have been under the name of “picking the ice cream up”. (which i totally did not want him to pay, and he did bc of a miscom, and now i dont know whether to return the money or not)  but it felt strange to be on this other end. a part of me wants to second guess this whole thing, but i think i am trying to learn -  to learn to receive freely  and love freely. 

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

dunked !

so i finally did it. tbh was contemplating whether i should write this post tonight, but i genuinely fear that i wont remember as much details if i dont process this sooner. 

there are quite a bit of thoughts on my mind, perhaps i need time to process and sit on it. but as of now, i guess i can write whats on my mind heh.  today i finally got baptised! it took me a while, considering i only had one lesson left before the ‘bigger ceremony’ - which was the one i initially ended to attend. 

but this time, they told me that i could only invite 4 people. i hated it, honestly. it was only told to me 2 weeks ago, and it was a bit tough to make the call on who should come. should i call the people that i truly love, but risk not calling the people that i deem needs to hear it most?  should i then, push back everything because not everyone i love, can make it? 

but then again, who is to say that the next time this happens, i will get to share my life? who is to say that, when things will go back to normal? finally settled on the people, because i did not see why not. and thankfully, there was actually a zoom link.  i think i learnt that, those that truly wanted to watch, would have tuned in. if i totally forgot to send them the link (which happened) - it probably mean that they weren’t on the top of my list to even consider.  im honestly a bit shocked at how i responded to the whole situation. besides being upset that not all my loved ones could be there, i have papers to write, tests to think about, quizzes to complete - everything just seems like its all piling up, and i am struggling to balance all these, along with this ‘very important event in my life’  so there are a few convictions that came up in the end: - i concluded that i didnt need everyone to be there, if my life didnt change.  whats the point of calling everyone else to witness this event, when they cant even tell that Jesus has transformed my life? 

- i (initially) concluded that this is just a pure public declaration.  to be honest, it kinda is. considering the intensity of work i am going through this week, along with events of cny + pt work, it is technically a ceremony, not wrong. life wasnt going to stop for me. things were still happening.  but i think being there at the ceremony today, made me feel things that i did not expect.  just sitting in the service, listening to PJ speak about the symbolism of baptism, made me cry. i had to stop myself and control my tears, bc it was so overwhelming i couldnt control it.  i dont understand why i couldnt stop crying. perhaps it was the realisation that truly, this is something that i want to be in charge of. that this is me really wanting to choose jesus. that still despite all the unanswered questions, the great uncertainty, i will still want to choose jesus.  in that sheer realisation, i realised that i am so loved. that i am chosen, and that i’d like to think that my parents did such a good job in fufilling what they were called - to raise a child that is jesus loving.  i was crying because i realised that i have decided to commit my life to jesus. in that realisation, it is also realising that there might be some things in my life that i would love to happen, but might not happen simply because, i chose to love jesus.  i was crying because it felt so overwhelming, to know that this is something i get to be a part and to take control of. to make the conscious choice.  in that sheer realisation, i realised that i am so small. so small and insignificant, but God would still choose me over everything else.  i am tired now, perhaps thats why i feel so incoherent.  but i can never forget the sound of me submerging. jokes and being real aside, i was truly wondering what’s the importance of going underwater, besides people watching.  but that sound. there’s something about the sound of submerging, that i cant seem to forget. it felt.. cinematic. it was like how i could see the scene of this baptism, if i choose to shoot it one day.  the angles of the camera being at the side, moving in the same direction of the submerge, and coming up in the same way.  the sound of the water moving, when you are being submerged.  that splash when you stand up.  the cheers of people around you, along with the lines of “old gone, new come”.  the loud cheers, of people being proud of you. 

it’s that sound of submergence. i dont understand what it means. i dont understand why it feels so prominent, or at least memorable.  but that was cool.  i think additionally, in the midst of grumbling that life will still carry on - there is something within me that is stirring. i am not sure what yet, but one thing i’d ask, is: how will life, ever be the same again? in the midst of lamenting, i am still reminded that i am worth celebrating. that people will still want to love me, to remember me by celebrating the ‘new birth’.  that people see the importance a bit more than i can, at least in the moment.  what an additional great reminder! 

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

let me in !

havent been in a reflective mood lately. i think its the idea of piling everything up in the mental space, and not wanting to face the reality of reflecting.  a part of me feels like i’ve trapped the Lord outside, in fear of hearing things that i wont want to hear.  but another part of me feels like, i am ‘open’ enough to hear what He has to say. even if it hurts. i think the greater part of me, just simply desires to hear something.  but i don’t know. i feel like i am ignoring my honest thoughts, but yet i ask myself, have i not been honest with myself? have i been avoiding something? had a picture in my head about the idea of dwelling in the house. am i dwelling, even if i say i am? i imagine that i am trying to dwell, just by sitting in the corner. a part of me feels like im doing this right now. just wanting to sit in the house and not move. 

would passivity means i am dwelling? wouldnt the desire and nature of dwelling, comes from a place of want? that you would want to dwell? then there are different doors. doors that only accept certain people in - if they look a certain way.  i tell myself that my doors are open, but yet my doors are so conditionally open. they are open if you look like a boy that is a potential. and though there are people who would seemingly have the key to open the door, i find that they are still stuck outside. i wonder why.  perhaps the conditional factor that i choose when i want to open my door. when i feel like i am ‘ready’ to be accepted. when i feel like they have the right.  but at the same time, i tell myself only people who look a certain way can open the door. perhaps the only person that can truly invade my door, is the Man with the pierced hands.  that is because this Man doesnt invade my doors to speak. i’d like to think, that He would open my door -  to wait to sit to hang around  to look at me  He would open my door gently, with so much grace, and so much patience.  He would open my door with no conditions. with no expectations. with nothing in mind.  He would open my door, simply because He wants to.  but yet tonight, i don’t know why i am struggling to let Him open the door.  this is the same feeling i get, to hesitate to write and journal.  maybe its the sheer reality of remembering what a shitty person i can be.  that i may trigger any potential anxiety, considering my driving test coming up. (which is strange, because so far i’ve mostly felt nothing but peace)  help me open my door tonight, God

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

202(1)

i’ve been sitting here for the past hour just procrastinating to write this. i think its the inertia to have to think back about how the past 12 months has been, and to feel the need to conclude something out of it.  im sure there is many things to conclude, but maybe putting this in point form will help me a bit.  what did you learn about yourself in 2020? - i learnt that i have the capacity to love and be loved.  - i learnt about the ways that i enjoy receiving love!  - that i hold things closely (a bit too closely, perhaps) to the things that matter to me. (eg. friendship, ministry)  - i can’t play God. i am not God.  - failure isn’t everything.  what did you learn about others in 2020? - that my friends have the capacity to love me in a way where i will actually appreciate it.  - that people can and will disappoint.  - i am surrounded by people who have so much grace.  - people can have the capacity to love, because they are Loved.  what did you learn about God? - that He is so faithful. so so faithful.  - He is patient - so patient even in my mess.  - He waits. He waits for His perfect timing, to unleash and release. to pull back.  - that He is God. not i.  so dear God, thank you for being so faithful. wah if i could, i want to sing loud loud in the church with my face planted onto the floor because the intense glory feels so real. that need and want to bow before You, because You are the great ol’ one, is real.  so thank you for loving me. it feels slightly underwhelming, bc i want to think of some insane + bOOMz epiphany. but maybe, You dont always work like that. perhaps it is in the quiet and stillness, that You are seen.  may i carry this heart of gratitude, and this attitude to be patient, to be obedient, so listen first and speak later, into 2021.  thank you for the past year, and another year.  may my heart be expectant for whats to come.  Love,  me, 5 days in 2021, hehe.