tnlbarth-blog

[tnlbarth-blog]

April 20 2024 - 1:25am

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

So the 19th was my Ex Best Friend's Birthday. The 19th legit ended an hour and 25 minutes ago. And this would also mark the second birthday in a row of their's that we did not spend together.

The friendship ended in 2022. They did not end it I did. And you must be wondering; why I would be posting about them if it was my decision to end the relationship. It's a fair question.

The thing is I didn't end it over one specific thing though I am sure they believe that to be true. I never told them every reason I had for ending it. They I think only know the very last reason. Or the reason that would be considered the "last straw".

My friendship with them was a long one. We met in kindergarten or first grade I'm unsure. But I didn't consider us friends until sixth grade. And we didn't become best friends until ninth grade in my mind. I am sure those stages had significant moments attached to them that I thought stepped up our friendship.

Unfortunately for me they didn't agree at least not out loud. Or I was oblivious, which I am quite dense. Either way looking back now I am positive it was a little of both.

It doesn't matter now however. Back in 2022 After a long hard year for building myself back up during a horribly abusive romantic relationship with my ex boyfriend, I realized how terribly I'd allowed myself to be treated by many people, my Ex Best Friend included.

I was on my way to learning to advocate for myself which until that point I didn't know how to do properly. Honestly I wasn't very emotionally intelligent at all until then and even now I can see that in that year I wasn't as emotionally intelligent as I am at present. My communication skills were very low even then. But I'd learned enough to feel confident to advocate and cut ties with those that had both intentionally and unintentionally hurt me. And if I couldn't cut ties do my best to stay away from those people.

Just like our mutual friend my ex best friend didn't see this sever come. But unlike our mutual friend my ex best friend got the chance to talk to me. I didn't send them a long note like our mutual. I told them about the biggest problem I had and they admitted to their crimes and more relieving something truly terrible. Something I could see coming. I was so hurt that any hope I had of keeping my friendship with them was smashed. So four months after letting go of our mutual I broke up with them as well followed by my break up with my ex boyfriend.

Every day I think about them. I have cried over this breakup specifically so many times. This person had hurt me so many times growing up and the worst part is I didn't know how truly deep the cuts were until that moment two years ago. Now I look back and even good memories are tarnished. I question every moment of our past together. And it hurts worse now.

I tried so hard yesterday to ignore that it was their birthday but I couldn't. Every time I saw the date it reminded me. And with every reminder I felt a stabbing in my gut.

Every year I did my best to at least wish them a happy birthday. I did my best to give them a handmade card and a gift of some kind. And even if I didn't have cash I would use my food assistance and gift them their favorite food. Then I would hang out with them or spend the night and we would have fun. Or I had fun. I don't know for sure how they felt now. Maybe to them I was nothing but an inconvenience. Who knows.

I have the hardest time. I want to wish them a happy birthday anyway. I want them to know I still think about them on their birthday and hope their birthday is fun. I wanted to hate them so much but I apparently can't. I miss them and the fun that I thought we had when we had it. When I was included.

Regards,

TNL Barth

[tnlbarth-blog]

March 4th 2024 - 6:22pm

Trigger Warning: Talk of 9/11, talk of AI, talk of politics

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

I just got onto my computer to toggle the switch to "NO" on this account to third-party sharing. It's frustrating to know that AI is taking over everything that I love. And stealing everything I create. I am an Author and an Artist and it feels like everything I know and love is being taken from me. It's very frustrating and disheartening. I dislike that this is where AI is headed instead of being helpful and doing jobs that we don't want to do or can't do. Art and Writing were supposed to be my safe place and something I was able to share. But now I don't think I want to share it anymore.

I will still write my blogs here but I think I won't be posting any of my original art anymore anywhere. And I am considering taking down the art I already have up on the sites that I have it all on.

This is not a future I saw myself in and It's heartbreaking. It's already heartbreaking with Covid and the government and greedflation. That crap my parents stuffed down my throat when I was growing up in the nineties makes this site even more disheartening.

"You can be whatever you put your mind to"

Maybe when you were a kid but not anymore. The real world is much more cruel now. I feel like the true tipping point was 9/11. When We watched the Trade Center collapse on live TV. At least that's when everything hanged for me. It feels like every year since this country has slowly yet steadily gone downhill.

As a millennial, I feel like we never had a chance.

Regards

TNL Barth

[tnlbarth-blog]

Dec 10 2023 - 4:43pm

Trigger Warning: Talk of shouting, Talk of Abuse

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

You would think I would get used to my sister screaming but I never do. I wish she wouldn't do it. It scares me every time. I feel my heart skip and my chest tighten as I whip my head around in the direction of the noise.

I wish "scream" was meant as talking as loud as possible, but I mean screaming; "aahhh".

I hate that she thinks it's okay to just scream like that in the middle of the house with no regard for anyone else. She doesn't take into account how it affects any of us especially the kid. (Her son)

I suppose she doesn't care. With the way she has basically trained us not to confront her she can do whatever she wants without any consequences of her actions from us, myself included. I suppose that should be especially myself since she has bullied and abused me my whole life.

When we do stick up for ourselves like I did the other day when I set my boundaries she got mad and said "well fuck you too then"

She was going to start a smear campaign on her little friends again and I told her I didn't want to hear it. I said "I don't want to talk about that" and walked away. She doesn't care if I want to hear about them or not she just starts talking. She never asks. She just wants to be a victim.

Anyway, today I am sure she got into a fight with my mother. Who started it? Who was in the wrong? Who knows. I was in my room when it happened. And I only know she was fighting with my mom because my brother is sleeping and my nephew was in the shower.

She apparently didn't like something that happened and got mad. And they fought. I've been getting better at ignoring the fighting recently so I'm not sure how long it lasted. But I know that it ended when she slammed her door and screamed making jump right out of my skin.

I honestly don't care what the fight was about or who was in the wrong. I do care that she screams though. That affects everyone in the house.

She is so toxic. She seems to think getting angry in such a grandiose way is the only way for people to listen to her. But she is so 100% wrong about that. It's not like she cares.

I want to state that none of the people in this house are healthy either. But we don't go shouting at people for trying to set boundaries or protecting themselves or others against us. But then again we don't generally need people to set boundaries or protect themselves against us. And when people do need to set boundaries we are usually understanding.

I feel bad for my nephew. He is growing up thinking his mother's behavior is normal. He will end up dating girls or boys (I don't judge) that are just like her. And maybe he will cut off contact with her at some point. And she will be sad and wonder why.

I am getting sick of her screaming like that and I don't know what to do about it.

Regards

TNL Barth

[tnlbarth-blog]

Nov 22 2023 - 2:24pm

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

It doesn't matter what problem she has if she is abusive.

I woke up to my sister fighting with someone. I'm not sure who I wear earplugs to sleep. All I know is there was muffled shouting and throwing things. I can only assume she was fighting with one of two people. My mom or my nephew. Or hell she could have been fighting both, who knows.

There is no doubt that she is abusive. She shouts and yells and has a fit at every inconvenience to her. Some examples, when she doesn't get her way, when she wants her way, when someone tries to put up a boundary with her. When someone asks her a simple question. When my mother calls her for dinner. When she is being called out for her behavior. When she is being called in for her behavior. There are more but I can't think of them.

I know; "why do you always talk bad about her?"

But if you notice I live with four people and she is the only one I badmouth. I don't, I talk ill about my mother too sometimes. And I complain about the kid also.

But my sister is an abuser. My mother who is also abusive in her own right enables her behavior. My Brother is so scared of her yelling at him that he won't stand up for himself. He could easily do so. He is so gentle it's painful. Of course grouping up in the family he is in can do that to a man. My nephew is a child so he has no power to fight back. He tries though.

I am still learning how to properly protect myself from her abuse and have not successfully managed to advocate for myself with her only recently being caught in her D.A.R.V.O.ing (Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender.) She is a pro at it. At least I know what she is doing and can see it now. I don't have to feel crazy or like I am the one in the wrong.

It shouldn't be happening anyway.

I feel like I am the only one in this house that sees her for who she is. A toxic abuser. She wants to control everyone and everything and when she can't she flips out. She takes my Brother's things without permission. She gets after the kid for sneezing wrong. She yells at our mother for no reason half the time. (The other half, my mom is pushing her buttons intentionally I'm sure.)

I don't know what I can do. It's driving me insane. I cannot keep waking up to her fighting and shouting with people anymore. It's not okay and it's hurting not just me but the other person involved.

Regards

TNL Barth

[tnlbarth-blog]

Nov 20 2023 - 7:13pm

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

So back to the topic of NaNoWriMo. There are some things I've learned about it recently. I didn't do any research into the topic before I decided to join.

Apparently there is a group who created it. And they have a website and forums and whatnot. I thought it was a little less formal than that. It does explain why so many people act like they are better than others when it comes to participating in it.

Anyway, I guess on the website you can track your word count on your account. I didn't know that. I have been tracking my word count on my calendar. Five hundred words a day at least. After I found out about the website I considered making an account but ultimately I decided to do it next year when I can track my whole month's progress instead of only half the month.

Then I found out about the forums. And I learned that apparently one of the moderators is a child groomer? I don't know everything about the topic, but it sounds pretty serious. And apparently this whole debacle had started over the summer? I don't know. I just found out about it.

I feel a bit disappointed since I just decided to give it a chance and now there is all kinds of drama. Like I know that drama is a part of life but like all this is doing is proving my initial feelings about NaNoWriMo right.

I think that after this year I will not participate again. I will probably keep up the writing habits that I put into practice here though. I am enjoying writing every day. My life until this year has been hell making it super hard for me to write or even consider writing.

Again I am super disappointed at the information and news that I learned.

Regards,

TNL Barth

[tnlbarth-blog]

Nov 19 2023 - 7:16pm

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

Do you ever look back at who you didn't want to be as a child growing up and realize that you are exactly that?

I sit in my bed after a long day of doing nothing and feel like a bum. I don't have a job. I have zero money coming in. I am on social media but no one seems to like what I post. (It's different with this blog. I don't want people to read it really. I just want to document my life and my thoughts somewhere. ) On social media that I try to get seen on I am practically invisible.

My whole life I have always been unwanted. No one has cared to look my way and when they do it's not favorable. I'm not a likeable person unless I have something that you want.

When I was young I said to myself that I would not be a bum living unemployed in my mother's basement but here I am. I am mentally and physically handicapped but in the back of my mind somehow that is an excuse. Somehow, even though I am not capable I have decided to label myself as lazy. Who cares what happened to me to get to this place.

That part of me when I was a much more capable child judges me for laying in bed trying to rest after a long week. Because to her that week would be easy to get through for her.

When I was growing up I set high expectations for myself and I have fumbled and failed so many times that I have given up. For now at least. I feel so tired and beaten down that getting back up and trying again feels impossible even if it is.

I was very optimistic about my adult life. I was sure I would be a best selling author by now. I would live on my own and have half a dozen cats.

I sit here feeling defeated. I got scammed by people that told me they would publish my books and make me famous. I was broken and beaten by so many people in my life that I now trust no one but myself. I am so tired I have the hardest time taking care of one cat alone.

I am only thirty-two years old and I already feel beaten and discarded by this world.

I have zero friends. I have a family that doesn't care about me except my brother and I can't tell if he secretly hates me or not. Social media is a joke and the best way to encourage a depressive episode in anyone who isn't careful. My country doesn't care about me. The world is falling apart. And I am here a speck on a giant glob floating somewhere deep in the middle of space in one of thousands of galaxies.

My biggest fear is becoming homeless. And I am positive that it is everyone's inevitable end if we reach old age.

I don't see a reason to be here. In this world. Existing. And maybe that's why I have spent a majority of my life depressed.

I am alone. I have always been alone. And I will always be alone.

Regards

TNL Barth

[tnlbarth-blog]

Nov 12 2023 - 12:40am

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

NaNoWriMo for those of you who don't know is National Novel Writing Month. The month that it takes place during is November. Writers from around the world sit down at their computers and write as much as they can in their novels. Some write a whole new book. Others trying to get through an already started novel

Even though I am an author I never participated. This was because my, now ex friend did and never explained what it was to me. And when I would ask questions she refused to inform me acting as if my lack of knowledge made her better than me. I wish I could say I am over exaggerating and just feel bitter. She acted as if she were better than me even in subjects that I knew about and was clearly better at. I am pretty sure she didn't want to worry about me being better than her at something else especially since I am not a competitive person. I think that lack of competitive spirit bugged her. I don't know why she continued being friends with me.

Another reason I didn't participate was, when I did learn what it was, I found out through other people online acting as if they are better than everyone else because they participated in it. Which hit some old wounds and made me run away from the event.

And my last reason for not participating is that last year I spent the whole year taking care of my dying cat. I had so much stress induced writers block I couldn't even write a sentence.

This year while I was on my other social media app that I enjoy I watched a video from a woman about NaNoWriMo. She was someone I enjoyed watching. She was always impartial in her videos preferring not to put her personal opinions in her videos and when she did she made sure to make her video come across level headed and not like her opinion was the only right opinion.

Anyway I watched a video she made on the topic of NaNoWriMo. She discussed why you should do it and ways you could do it. She didn't make it sound like if you participated you were better than people who don't. She just talked about the benefits like being able to possibly finish that book you've been writing for six years now and things like that.

Watching that video made me want to try this year. And with my cat gone I had a lot of free time to fill. So I decided this was what I will do this month.

On the first day I didn't write, instead I prepped myself. I set up my space, moving things around to best suit my writing needs. I cleaned up the mess that had accumulated from the last three weeks; two taking care of my dying cat and the week after of morning. I restocked my incense. I took a shower so I wouldn't be sidetracked. I went shopping for food I could eat that was healthy and filling so I would have the brain power to work and I set out my computer glasses.

The second day is when the writing started. I set my goal for five hundred words and I went for it. I checked at every natural stopping point in my story until I reached at least five hundred words. And I stopped just after five hundred.

The first few days went well. Then on day nine when I got onto my computer it malfunctioned and I messed up resulting in me losing the previous day's five hundred twelve words. I was devastated. But after some time of grieving those words, complaining about it to the Internet and taking several breaks I rewrote them plus a little more ending the chapter I was on. I then continued and finished writing day nine's five hundred words too. That day I wrote almost one thousand five hundred words total. It took me eight hours but I did it.

I was so proud of myself that the rest of the week I ended up writing at least seven hundred words a day. Including today which was a total of one thousand one handed and one words total.

But today was special. I decided that I needed to read through my eight year old unfinished book I am working on to make sure it makes sense, is cohesive up to the point I have written. And that the characters didn't change too much since the book had only taken place over the core of ten days so far. But I had to read through sixteen chapters at forty-five thousand two hundred seventy eight words long. It took all day because I couldn't stop myself from editing all the mistakes I saw.

All I have to say is that even though it took me sixteen hours I am very proud I did it. I was able to fix plot holes and unwanted character changes. I could fix continuity errors that I didn't notice before. And now I feel very good about what I've written so far.

I was sitting here before writing this thinking about how I want to read more of my book. It may sound conceited but I love my book. It's entertaining, exciting and funny. It's unique too. This book has been my best idea so far and I cannot wait to see it finished.

My goal for this NaNoWriMo is to get as close to finishing my book as I can. I want to make sure though that I am pacing myself well. Which is one of the reasons I decided on a five hundred words a day goal.

If you decide you want to participate in NaNoWriMo I really hope you enjoy yourself. But remember this is not a competition. Participating doesn't make you better than anyone else. And have fun.

If you don't want to or can't participate that's perfectly fine there is nothing wrong or bad about that. I hope you enjoy your November.

Regards,

TNL Barth

[tnlbarth-blog]

Nov 4 2024 - 9:25am

Trigger Warning: Talk of Death, Suicide and Cancer.

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

The end of life is inevitable. Each person, animal and plant has an expiration date. But generally we don't know when that is. It could be today, tomorrow or even thirty years into the future. That is why most people don't think about it. Why, they do their best to ignore it until they can't and are faced with that simple truth.

One day we will be forced to face our own mortality. For some it will be the day their closest loved one dies. For others it will be the day they find out they have stage four cancer.

For some they look at that truth and instead of fearing it they get mad. They hate that death steals away their loved ones. They curse hospitals for being the last place they will be in when they pass. They want to stop it. They want to push it away. Change the world to keep death from happening to anyone. Dreaming of immortality.

For others they beg for death to come. They invite it into their lives. They hope for a car accident or a murder to pop up at their door to help bring their time to a close. They take the pills or put rocks in their pockets and walk into lakes.

Death is a celebration to some. Seeing it as a new adventure for the soul in the afterlife. A new plane to explore.

I only see death as pain. Pain for the one dying. Pain for those left behind. Pain for those who opt for it when they see no other way and feel lost.

I see death as light. A symbol of hope for those who are in pain and dying. A place they know they will finally be able to rest. A place where they can finally smile again.

I see death as a gate. A path to another place. Death is where one adventure ends and a new one begins.

It's hard for me though. I sit here after yet another loved one leaves the mortal world. I feel lonely and sad. I feel the loss, the emptiness. No matter how much I want to run from this feeling of grief it sneaks back into my heart.

I hope though that for my sweet beautiful pet, she is now relieved from the pain of the cancer that ate away at her body and soul. I hope that where she is she is finally truly happy after such a long grueling year.

Rest in peace Starfire Barth; August 31st 2011 - October 23rd 2023.

Regards

TNL Barth

[tnlbarth-blog]

Oct 3 2023 - 5:01pm

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

My sister is crazy.

I was going upstairs from my basement bedroom to go to the bathroom and as I opened the door I heard her from the kitchen scream. Like full on high pitched horror movie scream. But I could tell this scream was out of anger or frustration. Which immediately triggered my PTSD. I instinctively go into fight or flight mode and basically run into the bathroom not wanting to be in the light of fire.

My home is small and has paper-thin walls which makes it hard for five people to live together in it in the first place. As I sat in the bathroom doing my business I could hear her bitching incoherently while she cleaned her dishes that have been piling up in the kitchen for the last few weeks.

I hear the words "mom", "not today" and "fuck" as she slammed around the dishes and stomped around the room.

All I wanted was to finish up so I could run back down into my rathole. I was shaking from fear as my PTSD was overhauling my body making it harder for me to do my thing.

Then finally I got done and left the bathroom and she was standing there in the living room glaring at me when I came out. I glanced at her for a second because I could feel her glare on me and I really wish I hadn't. Her silent glare made my PTSD worse. I turned to my door and my beautiful dog was standing in my way so I silently asked him to move. He does as he is asked and I run down stairs.

I stood there at the bottom of my stairs talking to myself trying to calm my nerves.

"You're okay. You aren't in any danger now. You are safe. You can breathe. You're okay. You're alright. You are safe. You can't be hurt here." I said to myself over and over as I tried to breathe deeply and patted my chest with opposite hands.

I sat down to write this to help calm myself down too. It helped a little.

It's frustrating to think that I am doing so well and then things like that happen. It's hard getting better. Every time I think I have taken two steps forward I end up taking three steps back.

I felt like a mouse. Small and weak. I felt like all I could do was run and hide. Powerless to keep myself safe.

Regards

TNL Barth

[tnlbarth-blog]

Sept 28 2023 - 2:14am

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

I've been thinking about milestones recently. Mile stones are basically makers of improvement in your life both showing where you started where you are and where you are going much like there real life counterpart that you find on hiking trails, mile markers.

In life there is a variety of milestones we achieve. Some are things we all will achieve i.e. Eating, sleeping, pooping. These are basic things that keep us alive. And others are things that only some of us will achieve i.e. becoming an astronaut or an Olympic golf metal champion. Most peoples mile stones aren't particularly amazing but they are impactful to each individual in their own special way. Like when Jimmy finally got an A in math. Or when Miss Susan lost 3lbs over the summer break.

My mother about 5 years ago impacted her shoulder completely freezing it. She had to have surgery to get any kind of movement back. She has been working hard at being able to lift and use her arm above her head since.

Today I was pleased to watch as she insisted on helping me with my chore. She not only lifted her harm above her head but she was holding heavy wet clothes. I was amazed and excited. She didn't notice until later when we were folding dry laundry together. I told her how impressed I was. She was shocked then very pleased and proud of herself as she should.

It has taken her a long time to do a simple thing she had done her whole life until the day she couldn't. And she worked hard to reach this milestone. And she might have missed it had I not pointed it out to her. She has made ample improvement in the last year alone. And she did most of her rehabilitation on her own. Sure she has help for a month or two but insurance could only pay for so much.

Milestones are important. They show us what we are capable of by showing us how far we have already come.

Be proud of yourself today for the milestone that you are at right now. It took hard work to get here. You deserve a pat on the back and maybe even treat yourself no matter how small you think your milestone is.

You did it.

Regards

TNL Barth

[tnlbarth-blog]

Sept 19 2023 - 9:35am

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

The medical field in America. We all have gone through trying to get any ailments diagnosed and fixed. We all know what a pain in the but it is if you are not a white straight male in this country. No one takes you seriously. Especially if you are a woman. You are in pain? You must be drug seeking or crazy. You must want attention. They don't care about you unless you are having a baby.

It doesn't matter how much pain you are in it doesn't matter that you have fallopian torsion or not. Or that you have gallstones and need your gallbladder removed. It doesn't matter if you have endometriosis or if you have mental disorders like PTSD or ADHD or autism. If you are not actively bleeding out in their beds they don't want you. They don't care.

Fuck the medical system.

Regards

TNL Barth

[tnlbarth-blog]

Sept 1 2023 - 9:38pm

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

When did it happen? The beginning of loving myself and not feeling like maybe I was lying? I just looked into the mirror like I have done my whole life and yet I didn't cringe at something I didn't like about myself. I smiled happy to see a friendly face. I walked up to the mirror and traced my face. Looking down at my beautiful smile and up to my slightly upturned nose. My eyes followed the sprinkling of light freckles that dust my nose and cheeks. My eyes look at themselves watching them dance as they look between each other sparkling as I note all the pastel blues and greens of the irises. I glimpse the small etchings of baby wrinkles that are starting under my eyes and smile seeing the smile-lines on each side of my mouth.

I am beautiful. I am so cute. And I am so pleased with myself. I even blush a little. Knowing that I could find myself attractive feels somewhat embarrassing.

It's amazing really. At one point in my life I thought I was none of these things. I could never say that I was beautiful funny smart and amazing. And mean it? Yeah right. To be honest I hated myself. I look back on the person I used to be. It was so much more than just hating myself. I hated everyone and everything around me too. I was bitter. I didn't like that others were so happy while I felt like maybe not being alive was doing a service to the world.

I hid away. I didn't want to be seen. I wanted to blend into the background making sure never to even set a toe into the spotlight. I shuddered to think about what would become of me. More pain maybe?

Today though. I am not so sure about that. Being in the background doesn't feel so much the case anymore. I don't mind being seen, being known. I am not so worried about the pain. Loving myself and my curves and my belly and hips and face feels so much better than hating me. I am an awesome person. I am unique and thoughtful and kind. Why not share that with the world? If the world doesn't like it that is okay. I like me and that is all I need in the end.

I don't have to be perfect to be loved. And I don't have to wait to be loved. I don't need others to love me if I already do.

Regards

TNL Barth

[tnlbarth-blog]

Aug 31 2023 - 3:31pm

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

It's my birthday today. It makes me happy to know I've made it this far in my life. There were plenty of times where I did not think I would be here to see this day. So being able to look into a mirror and see my 32-year-old face is a welcome sight.

This birthday is a special one. Because I get to celebrate it with my pet and best friend Star. It doesn't seem like such a big deal until you find out that she was diagnosed with mammary cancer last November. She hasn't been doing so well the last few days and so I was concerned that she would not make it to today.

This birthday is my favorite one so far. And is by far the quietest one I have had in quite some time. Which I know sounds a bit backwards for most but for me I have been absolutely enjoying myself. I like that I can sit in silence with just my cat and relax.

With everything that has happened since my last birthday I have to say I am very pleased with how I have handled myself. I went through a good portion of stress. But I have a positive attitude. To be honest the positive attitude shocks me. I didn't have to work for the positive attitude and I didn't have to squash down any "negative" feelings or emotions by disassociating or dissociating. That is one of my biggest accomplishments this year.

This month has been a crazy ride. I have been learning to speak my mind. I have been learning how not to people please. And I have been able to set and hold boundaries. All things that I have needed to learn and master for a long time. So I am very proud of myself for that as well. Also this month I have been listening to my intuition which I have found to be a vital key in learning how to live a more positive life.

Even though this year has been tough with taking care of my wonderful kitty and recreating myself after leaving three toxic relationships, I have come out the other side smiling and loving not only myself but the people and animals around me. I had never considered that being the abundance I was asking for. The joy and gratitude I have for who and what I have right now in my life is great. It's hard to express how truly grateful I am right now for what I have.

I cannot imagine what this next year will bring to me but I do know that it will be even more amazing than before.

Regards

TNL Barth

[tnlbarth-blog]

Aug 15 2023 - 6:08pm

Trigger Warning: Swearing

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

What is with nosey people? Like I get, being curious about things, but if i didn't tell you anything to get you interested why are you?

People in my life, making their way into my room to find out what I am up to. It's very upsetting that they seem to think they have a right to my life. They ask if they can come in. I assume to talk which is fine. But what isn't fine is when people walk around my room reading my calendar opening up my drawers and looking at every piece of paper available to them.

And when they don't get enough information from the l stuff I have laying out they start to poke and prod for information like I can't tell that's what they are doing. It's frustrating. They might as well have patted me down like a criminal. I am allowed to have secrets. I am allowed to have a private life.

If I didn't bring it up or even reference it in some kind of teasing way I don't want people to know about it. I am doing my best to distance myself from the toxic enmeshment in this family. But maybe that is why they are trying so hard to find out what I am doing.

It's not a secret that I am trying to find a way out. I have told them all I want to move out and live on my own. This is why my mother refuses to help me to learn to drive even though I will be thirty-two at the end of the month. Anyway to oppress me. I already have a hard time in so many other areas driving is the last thing that will make me free. When I needed to use her printer for applying for disability income she refused even though that money would have helped her out too in the long run.

But I find that if I do tell people my plans or even any small things about my private life suddenly what I am trying to do fails. I attempt to lose weight, suddenly I am gaining it. I try to get my license suddenly my mom is unable to help me for every reason under the sun including that it's "too scary" even though she taught both my other siblings.

I tell them my accomplishments they degrade me or ignore me or downplay my achievements or they turn the subject to them or try to one-up me. I come to realizations they tell me they told me these things before. Which most of the time isn't true. I complement myself they get upset as if I am accusing them of insulting me.

All they want from me is ammo. They want to know what I am up to so they can use it against me later somehow like they have done so many times in the past. They want as much dirt on me as they can get so they can fuck me over later with it.

Being nosey is fine as long as you aren't going to use the knowledge you learn for nefarious purposes later. Because of this family I cannot see myself trusting anyone in the future which is really sad to me.

Regards

TNL Barth

[tnlbarth-blog]

Aug 14 2023 - 5:02pm

Trigger Warning: Talk of Weight Loss, Talk of Eating Disorders, Talk of Medication

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

Disclaimer 1: Do not do any of the things discussed in this post.

Disclaimer 2: I am not a doctor, seek the advice of a nutritionist to properly lose weight

Disclaimer 3: Do not stigmatize eating disorders or any other mental health disorders. The people affected by these disorders do not need to be looked down upon they need understanding and care.

Disclaimer 4: Fatphobia is prevalent in our culture including and not limited to doctors and positions but being fat is not a moral failing.

You know you don't have to be unhealthy to be fat. You can just be fat. It's an interesting concept I know. But fatness was around a lot longer than people would like to think. There have been fat people throughout time.

And you ask,"Why aren't there more pictures of fat people through the ages? Especially when it comes to more recent times after cameras were invented?"

It's not a bad question to ask. If fact I and many other people have asked that question for a while. And you know what was found? These people were photographed but people who knew these photos existed knew they would affect their bottomline if they did not get rid of the small amount that did exist. And in America at one time it was illegal to have a deformity in public and since being fat was seen as such fat people did not leave their homes. So they did not get photographed.

But like I was saying fit people are also fat. You can be healthy and have a large amount of fat on you and the inverse is true. You can be super unhealthy and have a thin body. In fact those in bodies that have visible abdominals and sleek physics tend to feel miserable while they try to maintain that look.

And before people say it "not all bodies like that do"

Yes I realize, but I have seen plenty of people who had had that type of boy talk about how miserable they were getting and maintaining that body.

People who get to a super fit body tend to do so in a very unhealthy way. Counting calories and using exercise to create a very dangerous balancing act.

I have watched people go through dangerous practices to be as thin as possible. I am talking about being literal skin and bone. Some starve themselves some binge and vomit. These are the most common eating disorders. I have watched stories of these victims of diet culture die because they think that all they have to do is continue to restrict their food intake a little more.

But fat people can have these disorders too, I being one of them. Losing half my body weight in such a small amount of time was not because I did it correctly.

I over-exercised for a long time. And by overexercise I mean for hours a day I would do pushups, quarts, jumping jacks, curls and situps. I would dance and go for walks. And I did this everyday. And you sit here and congratulate me for it. That is unhealthy.

I continued this until I wasn't able to lose weight anymore with just exercise and went to a nutritionist. The nutritionist was very healthy informing me how to eat properly. But instead of doing what she said. I took it to an extreme. I didn't know how much I should have been eating for my size and the amount of exercise I was doing. I just decided to only eat one serving of everything I got. I divided food into bags and containers and I cut up food and even looked online to find out single servings of fruits and vegetables. Which on the surface doesn't sound so bad. And it worked for a while. But the problem is, that kind of lifestyle is hard to maintain. Especially since I was way under eating for a person of my size even if I was trying to lose weight.

After all of that I again started to get to a point where I couldn't lose weight again. I hit a plateau. I wasn't at my goal weight and I was very upset. I gave up for a while and gained back a little bit of weight. But then I got the opportunity to get weight loss surgery.

And I jumped at it. I went to their nutritionist and learned even worse weight loss habits including counting calories, and eating only a cup of food and getting all my protein for protein shakes. And because I had to continually lose weight for 6ish months before the surgery I stopped exercising all together. I ended up losing a bunch of weight pre-op trying to lose the allotted amount of weight necessary to get the surgery. During that time I did not move a whole lot and I lost a lot of muscle mass, later on causing some severe injuries that I am still healing from. I did so a lot of scrolling on social media and I learned something about being fat and body positivity. I also learned about intuitive eating.

I never ended up getting the surgery. And I am grateful. I now eat intuitively and I don't exercise to lose weight. Instead I exercise to have fun and be healthy. I know I may never get down to that goal size I had in my mind and I am okay with that.

Now I eat until I am full and only when I am hungry and have an appetite. I exercise only when I want and how I want and I have fun with it. I enjoy myself. I dance and swim and hike and go for walks. I don't do situps anymore. I don't do pushups or planks or any of that stuff. I have gotten back to feeling good in my skin. Have I gained back all that weight? At first I did. But now I have no idea. I don't own a scale anymore. I was obsessive about weighing myself. I used to weigh myself multiple times a day. It was a hard habit to kick.

I am much healthier than I once was. And I am much happier too. The stress of losing weight was causing heart issues to spring up.

Oh and I forgot to tell you I was on medications through it all that caused me to have messed up hunger ques and caused weight gain outside of that. So I was also battling that. I got off of those medications last year sometime.

Through that weight loss journey I ended up losing half my initial body weight. And even though at the time I was happy about that I now look back at that and feel a little sad. I really thought back then that my worth was attached to my weight. I now know that it's not true and even though I am still a big person I am happy and proud in my skin.

Regards

TNL Barth

[tnlbarth-blog]

Aug 12 2023 - 7:05pm

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

The cool weather we are having right now in my home state is nice. The crickets in my yard are not. I used to not think much of crickets but over the last three years after I moved into the basement of my mother's house that has changed.

Where I had at one time believed that crickets were good luck I now believe they are loud and painful to my ears every time they find their way into my room. It wouldn't be that bad except when I moved in I didn't know there was an infestation of them in there.

I know, kill them with a bug-bomb. I hear you all. But the thing is we cannot get into the furnace to turn off and on the pilot light and believe it or not but bug-bombs are flammable and I like my home and my things. So for three years I have had to find ways to kill off the infestation inside the basement and not let in the crickets that are in our yard.

That first year was so hard. I had no way to protect my ears from the chirping that these bugs do during breeding season. And if you don't know crickets chirping can cause ear damage if they chirp in an enclosed area like a basement. That first year I was also fighting chronic fatigue from the abuse I had received from my most recent ex and his father that took place over the course of six months while I lived with them. And because I had no way to protect my ears at night I was again unable to get any sufficient rest during breeding season which made my chronic fatigue worse. I spent all my time in those three months (that is the length of time breeding season of crickets last. From August to November or until they freeze to death) Researching how to kill them how to keep them away and how to protect my ears from them. They were all I could think about.

By the end of that first year's breeding season I was losing my mind. And I wish I was over exaggerating when I say that but I am not. Lack of sleep can cause a lot of mental degradation causing hallucinating and low mood and aggression. I was 100% zero fun to be around at that time and I was begging my family and my ex to help me and it felt like they weren't. My brother who had no extra money at the time ended up getting me earplugs from his work toward the end. It was helpful but because it was toward the end I didn't need them for that long that year.

My second year last year wasn't as bad. I was more prepared for them. I knew what to do. I knew how to kill them. I knew how to make them go away and I had a new tool, sound canceling headphones. My brother again stepped up and got me headphones. I also had help via two little frogs who had made their way into my room. They helped a lot and they ate well. They had plenty to drink because my cat had water. I let them stay in my room until the first snowfall. I put them outside. I don't know if they died or not but they certainly helped me and I will be forever grateful to them.

Year two wasn't as bad because the first year I had worked so hard at killing as many of the crickets as I could. I had to start figuring out how to keep them out better though. I was finding them more often close to the door that led outside. Meaning they were more than likely coming in instead of already being in and thanks to my frog friends the ones who were already in were being eaten. So I watched where the new ones were coming in and I set up sticky traps for them. And I learned something new. Frogs are immune to sticky traps. I watched my little friends hop onto those traps and back off without problem. The first time I saw it I was fearful because earlier that year I saw a poor snake get stuck on one and I had to help him off using olive oil spray. When I watched my frog friend hop off the trap with no issues I was so happy. Between me and the frogs I had ridden my room of most if not all the crickets by the end of breeding season. And I had made it to the end of breeding season with most of my sanity in tact.

This year I have only had one cricket in my room so far. It is still early so I can't count my chickens before they have hatched. But I can tell you that I am prepared this year. I know what to expect and I have already started to take action and set up my room for success. I won't let them ruin my sleep or my room or especially my mental health and hopefully this year I won't need the help of anymore frog friends. The worst month is September meaning I know that this is just the beginning. I know it will be a battle. But I know that no matter what at the end of these three months I will come out victorious.

Crickets maybe lucky who knows. The Chinese seem to think so. And I wouldn't be lying if I said that I too believe that they are lucky. Unfortunately whether they are lucky or not they can't be here. They can hang out in my yard all they want but as soon as they come in here they will be meeting their creator.

Regards,

TNL Barth

[tnlbarth-blog]

Aug 7 2023 - 12:31pm

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

Man I am not doing anything I thought I was supposed to be doing by now. There are good reasons for all of it but to be honest I never thought in a million years I would be here and not there.

When I was younger adults and media and others in my life showed me what my life was supposed to be like. They told me what I was supposed to do where I was supposed to go and how I was supposed to do it. It was laid out in front of me easily. A cookie cutter path.

When I was a little girl my parents put baby dolls and Barbies in my hands. And as they had hoped I liked them.

My favorite was a babydoll I named Sarah. She was very realistic having little nipples, a butt, and a vagina. I appreciated the realisticness of the doll even to this day. The boy version of that doll brand had a penis. I really enjoyed how faithful they were to the anatomy.

I brought this little doll around with me everywhere and acted like her mother. I changed her clothing and diaper. I fed her food and even pretended to breast feed her until my father told me to stop. I am pretty sure it made him uncomfortable. I loved this baby of mine. I was told I would be an awesome mother some day and I was happy and proud of myself. Identifying that I was going to be a mother some day.

In school I was told to get good grades and I could be whatever I wanted. I was very excited because I wanted to be a dancer or an artist or an actor maybe even an author. My parents told me no I need to do something practical. I needed to do something that would bring in money. They told me I needed a stable job that gave me a good income. So I changed my mind and I wanted to be a scientist or a doctor or maybe even a professor.

Unfortunately I had a learning disability in reading writing and math. Did we find out what it was? No but they decided to say that I was lazy and didn't want to learn the material and if it wasn't me it was my teachers teaching me wrong. Now I am positive I was undiagnosed with Autism with PDA or pathological demand avoidance and ADHD-I attention deficit hyperactive disorder-inattentive type.

I ended up getting C averages in school the whole while hearing my teachers and parents getting after me for being smart but being too lazy to actually do my school work. I excelled at my art and music classes though, but those aren't the classes that matter when you're trying to get into college to get a degree so I can have a sustainable job.

When it came to going to college I had decided in high school I wanted to go. I didn't but my sister was in college and my mom was going too. My father told me every day he regretted not going. And the idea was shoved down my throat. So obviously that's what I was supposed to do.

I didn't have good enough grades to go to any ol' school but I was a very talented artist for my age. My friend talked about how he was going to college to be a video game designer so I decided to do the same at a very nice art school in my state. I got in but not even a week in I knew it wasn't for me and I dropped out.

I need to mention as well that I was raised a Christian. I was the perfect Christian too. I went to church every Sunday going to Sunday school and even going on Wednesdays. I went with my best friend at the time. I was dedicated to the board for a long time. And I knew I was going to be a Christian for the rest of my life.

None of this stuff happened. Because deep down I didn't want it.

I didn't want to be a mother. I felt neglected and wanted to be treated like my baby doll. I wanted the attention I gave her all the time. I wanted to cooing that I did to her. I wanted my parents to hug me and hold me and bring me everywhere with them. I didn't actually like kids. I definitely didn't like the kids I went to school with. They were loud and sticky and annoying. And even to this day I don't want children. I just wanted someone to get the love and affection I was missing out on.

As for school half way through second or third grade I gave up on having good grades. I had bad teachers that gave me bad grades whether or not I should have been getting good ones. I was stuffed into a learning program so they didn't need to bother with me. Also in Second or third grade I'd been raped by the school principal multiple times and I had never told anyone and in fact blocked it out of my memories actively telling myself it was all a bad dream.

As for college I never really wanted to go I was pressured into going. But I didn't know what that was at the time. I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I was excited at first. But being in the classes was overwhelming and being around new people and teachers. I was a whole state away from my family and I had gotten a new boyfriend who would not stop messaging me.

I dropped out because I was too overwhelmed. I didn't get over my need for special accommodations but the college didn't know that. I had just nearly been approved for not having to be in special education my senior year of highschool.

After dropping out of college I lived with my boyfriend. He turned out to be abusive. I stayed with him for five years. All the while I continued to draw and write. I wasn't allowed to work or do anything for myself for the whole five years I was with him. I did attempt to publish three books I'd written. I succeeded but the publishing houses I used basically scammed me and then closed before I could get any money from them. Making me feel like a failure.

After I left him I moved into my grandmother's house she had left my mom after she died and lived with my mom and brother.

I ended up dating another guy about mine months later. He was also abusive. But with him I was actually able to get a job. I worked at a store for almost three years while I was dating him. In the that time I had a mental breakdown and tried to kill myself. I stayed a week in the hospital and came home.

Then Covid struck and I lost my job. I was still with my boyfriend and didn't realize how abusive he was because of how badly I'd been abused by the previous guy. He asked me to move in with him and his family and I said yes because by that time my abusive sister and her son moved in with me my mom and my brother. After I moved in with him I was abused by not just him anymore but by his father as well. So six months later I moved back in with my family.

Living here with my family again I began to realize what was going on with him and I broke up with him last year.

I also left Christianity and became a Pagan witch and I haven't been happier with a decision.

My life has been nothing but chaos and nothing like the cookie cutter life I thought I was going to get. And for a long time I was upset about that. But not anymore.

I have learned to accept and love myself more than I have ever been my whole life by others. I may have a lot of mental and physical problems right now stopping me from being able to live my life the way I want but it won't be that way for long. I will get better and I will leave this place one day and I will be able to enjoy my life away from my family and under my own control.

Don't get me wrong I appreciate the life I am living right now. I am at peace with my life. I am thankful for where I am and where I was. I am shocked though at how different my life has been versus how I thought my life was supposed to be.

And I know no matter how hard or difficult my life may look I will always get through it. I am a strong and amazing person.

Regards

TNL Barth