trainsandcoffee

[trainsandcoffee]

If I don’t see you before the time comes, I swear I’ll take this feeling to the grave.

- w.s.

[trainsandcoffee]

[trainsandcoffee]

w.s.

[trainsandcoffee]

Daria – 2.08: Gifted

[trainsandcoffee]

05/07/2024 - Peaceful.

Today was the first day in a long time where he didn’t cloud my mind 24/7. I’ve stepped away from my writing - it doesn’t seem to do me any good, only causes me more pain.

Keelan and I had a good talk last night. I think emotions were high due to me being off my meds, but even Keelan confessed that we could do better in our relationship, specifically with how much I’VE compromised for us. How much I’ve compromised my own happiness and given up on dreams that are unreachable, like Revelstoke for example. Ever since the beginning of our relationship, we talked about wanting kids - something that made me excited because past boyfriends never wanted any, or were adamantly against it, which is fair. I always pictured Keelan and I being the couple that moved fast - got engaged, had a kid, got married, etc. within the first few months of the relationship. Part of me is grateful that we didn’t, however I’ve been imagining so many ‘what ifs’ recently that it’s definitely crossed my mind.

The only time he crossed my mind was when I got the interview invite - this is something I’ve wanted for eight years, and he would be so excited for me - likely the only one in the company to do so. He was the only one who enocuraged me to follow this path when I was surrounded by many others who warned against it, including my father, however dad can fluctuate. Sometimes dad agrees with me and thinks that passing the passion down to the next generation is the coolest thing EVER, but sometimes dad comes home from work so miserable and tired to the point that it wouldn’t be wished upon anyone to follow this career path. I know it comes with the ups and downs, and that it may not suit everyone, but I’ve thought about it, dreamed about it for so long now that I can’t give up on it now, not when it’s so closely within reach. Knowing that I’ve talked about it since the beginning of our relationship, Keelan is also supportive of me trying it out, despite not understanding why I am so dead-set on it when dad always seems to be wavering on this path.

I got two calls today for other jobs - one interview tomorrow, THE interview the following day, and I have the option to call the BC Carpenter Union for some temporary work in Skookumchuk, worst case scenario. I’m enjoying having so much time to myself, but I’m definitely more than ready to get back in the saddle to work my butt off.

[trainsandcoffee]

05/06/2024 - Rollercoaster.

After the huge crying session I had last night, I woke up this morning feeling way too exhasuted for my own good. No matter how I tried to stop it, my mind kept going in circles. If I followed my heart every time it chose a new path, I wouldn’t be alive anymore - it would be too tiring and would drive me to the edge. I have to chose my OWN path. Does it hurt that I can’t turn back time, be born in a different generation, and then maybe have a chance to live out the life I’ve always wondered about? Fuck yeah it does. But I can’t keep doing this to myself. I have my own life to live. I can’t be hung up on someone else’s life. I can’t keep breaking my own heart like this anymore.

At least, that’s my mentality right now. Will I be able to hold fast the next time a huge emotional wave hits me?

[trainsandcoffee]

05/05/2024 - Fluctuating.

Coupled with the beers that I had last night and no medication for two days now, I felt even more foggy when I woke up this morning. I had slept for nearly twelve hours, but still felt like I could sleep more given the opportunity.

Everything looked blurry today, with or without my glasses on. I felt dazed and dizzy all day, like I was going through an out of body experience, and not the normal out of body experience I get when I’m off my meds. It was almost like it was heightened somehow, but I was more focussed than ever when Keelan and I were hooking the trailer up together - besides the whole backing the truck up into the trailer thing, I could probably hook up and unhook the trailer all by myself if I wanted to. Come time for food, chinese since we both felt lazy once we got home, I felt so nauseous that even the smell of my favorite wor wonton soup nearly made me vomit, and I started thinking about how my period was more than a week off at this point, if not two. It made me nervous, happy, then nervous again. If I was actually pregnant, I would definitely think more about going back to the office.

This is what led me to start thinking about him more, and that triggered almost a gag reflex, becuase I only thought about him when I realized I would have access to private data again - this mindset disgusts me SO MUCH. I hadn’t had the opportunity to sit with my feelings since Thursday or Friday, ever since the discovery I made, but he dotted my thoughts occasionally over the weekend - I wondered if he ever went out camping, since there was never any trailer in his driveway other than the utility trailer, but then again, maybe he had a set up like Ben, or some similar concept, with the rooftop tent on top of a utility trailer concept, like a tent trailer but much more complicated. Maybe he just straight up used a tent, or just didn’t camp at all. Who knows? I definitely don’t.

Especially after looking at the yearbook photos last week, I think that’s all I want from him - an idea of what it was like back in the day for him. I did a further dive in the BCRDH website and found a locomotive that had run through a pile of snow, if not a whole avalanche, in Three Valley Gap back in 1985/6/7, and I wondered if that was something he had experienced. Had he been on the train or known someone who had been on the train? It’s not as though the train was overly damaged, so unlikely anyone had died or been injured even.

But regardless, how was it growing up with five siblings? Being a family of eight? What about graduating in 1982? Whatever happened to his aspiration to be a lineman? Why didn’t that ever happen? What got him into the railway, other than John? I can only assume that was the case, since his sen date was 1985 - maybe he tried the lineman thing but it didn’t jive right with him. But what is life ACTUALLY like being on call 24/7 for 30+ years? How did he live his life outside of work? Why was he driving in/through/to Field that one day in his truck? It WAS his truck. The license plate matched. I never got the chance to see if it was actually him or not. Maybe it was her? Someone else borrowing the truck?

There’s so much more I want to know about him, and I can’t quite comprehend why, but I just don’t want to find it all out at his funeral once he’s gone. It makes me feel like life is nothing but a ticking time bomb, and there’s this black cloud hanging about me, ready to burst into this giant rainstorm when it actually happens. I wish I could prepare Keelan for that day, but I don’t even know how to talk about him to Keelan, let alone vaugley explain how my emotions are going to be all out of whack and that I won’t be responsible for the actions I take during that time.

How would I even begin to tell Keelan ANYTHING about him, or why he’s constantly in the back of my mind? Part of me wants to take this secret to the grave because of how humiliating it is, and the only person I have ever mentioned any of it to is Megan, the one wednesday in 2019 that I was wine-drunk in my shower and spilling out all of my feelings and secrets to her - how I had a job opportunity in Revelstoke, how I just had to figure out a way to leave Kelby, then I would be free to do whatever I pleased. I don’t even know if she remembers me talking about him - part of me wants to ask, another part of me doesn’t even want to jiggle that memory in her brain just in case she DOES.

I don’t know why I took this voice recording in August of 2016, but on days like this, I sure am thankful that I did. I find comfort in the sound of his voice, even just talking about nothing but coffee creamer, and even if it does ultimately make me cry. I would give anything to turn back time and make our friendship work somehow, longer, better, something more than it is now.

My heart is breaking, and my brain doesn’t know how to mend it. I don’t think it ever will be mended.

[trainsandcoffee]

05/04/2024 - Foggy.

Part of me thinks it’s the fact that I forgot my meds. Another part of me thinks that whatever Keelan had or has, is starting to get to me, too. Another part of me is just downright convinced that I need to be admitted to a psychiatric ward.

[trainsandcoffee]

05/03/2024 - Devastated.

It’s not like I didn’t know. I had read about it enough to know better. Looking back in my old files, THAT was defintiely not something I had been looking for, but I came across it anyways.

Why did I choose his file to be the one for my training guideline? I’ll never know. But in that file was the email address, the email address that didn’t make sense until I found it today.

It had been there the whole time. SHE had been there the whole time. It wasn’t as though this was something new that had recently happened.

If anything, this just solidified my thoughts. I must have something in my head that turns these little things into bigger things, when they’re only meant to stay as little things. I truly am the main character in my own story, but I’m so self-absorbed that I don’t know any better, I just automatically assume that it all revovles around me.

But it doesn’t. And this was the biggest slap in the face that I think I needed.

Why does this make me feel so nauseous and sick to my stomach? It’s not like I didn’t know, or at least had an inkling.

[trainsandcoffee]

05/01/2024 - Absorbed.

I think I’ve officially written too much.

It’s gotten to the point where I’m so obsessed with this alternate world that I will sit and type in little parts here and there, but I’m mostly just reading through it, fictionally placing myself into these theorhetical situations so that I can essentially live a different life vicariously through this character I’ve created, and ignore the one I currently have, which, in comparison of course, is very dull, bland, and overall depressing.

I know it’s not productive. I can’t think about anything else. I’m potentially missing out on building a business relationship because I’m so enthralled by the idea of living the life that I’ve made in this story instead of the real one that seems to float in and out in the background.

How did it get this bad and how can I snap out of it? Why do I feel addicted to it?

[trainsandcoffee]

04/30/2024 - Hyperactive.

Hypersexual, actually. Maybe it’s just all of the creative juices running wild in my head, forcing my fingers to write/type it all out. I’ve been doing a lot of that lately - I figure maybe if I write these things down, it can help me have a better perspective on why I think the way that I do. Either that, or I can look back at these in a couple days/weeks/months/years and be astonished at how crazy I was.

As Keelan and I were standing there brushing our teeth last night, I started overthinking it - wondering what had changed about me lately that was causing me to act and feel this way. Was is the prenatals I had started taking? Was it the topic I was writing about? I instantly shut this thought process down. I didn’t want to dive into it - I just wanted to enjoy it.

And I did. Last night with Keelan, and this morning by myself. Half of my morning was literally just writing smut and getting off to it. I can’t complain, really, but it left my brain feeling fuzzy and foggy, and now I can’t think straight or complete/follow through with my tasks.

My creative juices feel as though they are gone, but I’m still feeling this pull to write more...

[trainsandcoffee]

04/29/2024 - Giggling.

I really thought that these tendencies of mine had changed. You know, the ones that make me dive a little too deep and stick my nose in where it doesn’t necessarily need to be or belong?

A part of me felt relief. All I wanted to do was find something that would make me remember what he looked like. I needed the reminder since I was constantly searching through crowds to find him, but I was always worried that I would catch the wrong person. After all, it’s been eight years, so the image I paint in my head isn’t exactly clear. I was elated that he looked exactly how I remembered, despite the picture being 40 years old - the hair threw me off guard (so much of it, but it suited him) and I would’ve never imagined that his nickname was ‘Scrapper’ back in the day, since I always knew him as such a sweet and kind individual, but there’s definitely parts that I’m missing from my few interactions. His expression and smile were the exact same, that hadn’t changed.

His brothers looked exactly the same as I remembered them too - granted one of them is dead and I’ve read his obituary, and another lives in my area and I’ll occassionally see him in the grocery store, but more often when I worked in the office. I don’t think he’d remember me if I came up to him, either that or he would remember how the last time he saw me, I didn’t let his girlfriend stay longer in his room and made her travel back home way too early in the morning, and I guess that’s fair.

I wonder if he would remember me? If I recognized him, would I even be bold enough to speak up? No, I would have to speak up. It’s been bugging me for too long. Even if he didn’t remember me, I’d still thank him for his kindness and being so friendly to me all those years ago. Not even for him, but for me. I need that, at the very least. Maybe then, I could finally overcome this emotional hurdle standing in my way and rid myself of these tendencies again.

[trainsandcoffee]

04/28/2024 - Prideful.

With my emotions being what they are the past couple days, I wonder if Pat and John are chatting together, or looking down at me and thinking ‘what the fuck is she on?’

But why dwell on it?

"The sun will rise and we will try again.”

[trainsandcoffee]

04/27/2024 - Cloudy.

The weather hasn’t helped my moody state at all. I thought I would’ve shaken this by now, rather I would really liked to have shaken this by now, but I know myself better than that. As much as I dislike it, this will take more time than necessary, but it shall pass once it has run its course.

At least, I hope it does. What if it never does? No, it will. My emotionally intense dreams have done this to me before, and I’ll look back on them now and wonder why I felt so strongly about the dream in the first place.

Life is just one big, weird dream, really.

[trainsandcoffee]

04/26/2024 - Incomplete.

I decided yesterday that I’d be coming home today, and it feels right AND wrong at the same time.

I’m happy to be back in a real bed, instead of trying to sleep in my car; I’m happy to be home with my cats; I’m excited to start on the next step on my reading nook project.

I already miss it, though. The feeling of being free and independent, doing whatever I want whenever I want, on my own terms. I can’t quite pinpoint why I felt like I had to cut my trip short, why I had to come home early. Being in Kamloops didn’t feel right, and once I was there, being in Revelstoke didn’t quite feel right either. It was disappointing, really - two places that I’ve always considered my safe havens, where I could escape to physically or mentally and just turn my brain off… but this time was different.

I originally left on this trip hopeful and excited to find some kind of mental clarity. Now that I’m home, I feel twice as confused as when I left. I expressed to Megan that I felt maybe one small, brief moment of clarity throughout my trip, but in hindsight, the only moment I felt calm and relaxed was the first morning I woke up in Kamloops and drove down to Buse Lake in Barnhartvale. I had never been to Barnhartvale (or at least not that I had remembered) and wanted to see the area that my dad grew up in; I found myself in love with the beautiful landscape - farms and acerages scattered throughout a long, twisting road - and I stopped at Buse Lake to admire the sunrise. I ended up staying a bit longer than I had anticipated, and I would’ve kept on driving down that road, but my gas tank was low and I wasn’t sure how much further I would make it.

After I turned around and headed back towards downtown Kamloops, I just drove. Drove trying to find a reason to stay longer, to do more, but my heart was inexplicably yearning for home. Funny how driving in to a place you love is so much more different that driving away from it.

I felt whole again once I got to Revelstoke, but only momentarily - the thrill of driving around and exploring this small mountain town wasn’t as exciting as it had been in the past. I drove past his house once on my way to Kamloops, and again once I was on my way home. After dinner at the Regent and a beer that I would definitely never drink again, I drove past again as the sun set. Truck in the driveway, wood split and stacked up to the roof along the whole length of the carport, but no lights on. I wondered where he was, and then suddenly felt frustrated that he obviously wasnt here. With Revelstoke being such a small town, you would think that I would get the chance to see him again at least once in the past eight years? All I want is a chance to see his face, to remember why I feel this way about someone I barely know. I remember the tiny trivial things about him - how he thanked me for making coffee then gave me a one armed hug, how he threw his leg over the chain blocking off the cafe to get his Irish creme coffee creamer from the fridge, how he told me that he was a Capricorn too and that his birthday was January 11th, how he told me that I was too good for the railway, but if I ever did get into it, I should let him know (or something along those lines, I don’t remember exactly).

I just want answers. Why do I feel this way? What drove me to feel this way? Was it the guilt of never getting the opportunity to tell him that I was leaving for Cranbrook? Or is it the regret of never being able to tell him how thankfu and grateful I was for his kindness and late night conversations? He was always happy and smiling. I’d give anything to see that again, and more than just a glimpse in my rear view mirror of him in his truck, following behind me up the passing lane, but never actually passing me. How did I spiral so far down from this? Why didn’t I take the chance when the job was offered to me? How come I haven’t ever actually taken the plunge and just done it?

[trainsandcoffee]

[trainsandcoffee]

I don’t know why you’ve been crossing my mind as much as you have lately, but it was lovely company on my long drive home, so thank you for that.

See you soon.

05/26/2019 - 12:33

w.s.