trillsymbiont

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im too lazy to retype this and also p high on narcotics so i’m just gonna screenshot the post bc really this should go on my stupid transition blog

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just storing this on my trans blog for documentation purposes

ugh i already kvetched abt this on twitter a little and also this is tmi but whatever it’s been 4 hours and im still frustrated so time 2 vent:

my dad is embarrassed by me. which is okay? i’m embarrassed by me too! being trans is embarrassing! i hate it! fuck me! but also it is Not Fun to listen to him talk about how Everyone Is Agreed that my grandparents should never hear that im trans (true) and they couldn’t possibly understand (true) and that it’s just better if we never talk to them and i don’t speak or send pictures and everyone uses my birth name and pronouns until either they or i die (probably also true)

i’m not arguing! but that doesn’t mean i like to hear about it.

especially when it’s paired with incredulity over how my gf’s parents accept her unconditionally and flat out shock that she’s So Demanding as to be like “if you don’t like who i am then get the fuck out”

like yes, ok, you’re right, that’s not my style that’s not how i play this game but would it kill you to acknowledge that i am being an Extra Good Dog here??? that i smile and take it and say “sorry you’re feeling uncomfortable” but i shouldn’t HAVE to????

i pass. im happy. im going to have surgery in two months. i already changed my name. i didn’t mean to turn out like this. im sorry. sheesh.

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happy 330am just had a nightmare that my dad surprised me with a visit from my grandfather and uncle while i was at a wedding and he misnamed me and my dead grandfather stage whispered invasive inappropriate transition questions while everyone in the church shushed us and yelled

this dream was bad because my dad thought he was doing something nice for me

horrible

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ive gotten pretty ugly and i feel kind of bad about it but also i dont care

#hard to explain #i dont feel like i have to prove as much #but also im ugly now so that a bummer lol

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4/11/16

#surgery day #how am i gonna tell my friend that i'll be in town for her bday but we wont be able to hang because i'll be getting my tits chopped off

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Grant sipped her coffee. “I don’t know. Maybe I am really a guy and I was just born wrong. That might explain a lot of stuff.” 

“So why don’t you go to the program?” I asked her. 

She smiled wistfully. “Because what if I’m not? What if it turned out I’m something even worse than I thought? Maybe it’s better not to know.” 

I smiled and put my hand on top of hers. She looked around and pulled her hand away. I sighed. “I don’t know what the fuck I am. I just don’t want to be different anymore. There’s no place to hide. I just want everything to stop hurting so much.” 

The whistle blew again. Grant stood up to go back to work. “I almost got enough money together for the hormones. How about you?” 

I shrugged. “If we can get in a few doubles, I’ll have the money soon.” 

“I’ll wait for you,” Grant said. For just a moment her hand rested on my shoulder.

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rebel rebel

#first time seeing my dad

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Morning on Mars

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Hellhound on My Trail

Gotta keep moving, gotta keep moving Blues falling down like hail Gotta keep moving Blues falling down like hail And the daylight keeps moving (??) There’s a hellhound on my trail

If today were Christmas evening And tomorrow Christmas day If today were Christmas evening And tomorrow Christmas day All I would need is but a little sweet rider And the world would fade away

Gotta keep moving, gotta keep moving Blues falling down like hail Gotta keep moving Blues falling down like hail And the daylight keeps to worrying There’s a hellhound on my trail

from Nothing for Juice (1996)

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ive gained weight

sure hope it’s muscle

someone yelled “i can’t tell if it’s a boy or a lesbian!” when i was walking past them today

but also my mom told my sis to talk to her brother 

so i guess all in all its a win

4th shot today! 3rd week

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ive always hated how short i was until i saw this bless

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Manfred Mohr.

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Lets Hear It For The Boy

#for when I come out on Facebook lmao

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how to transition and have nobody notice or ask questions

#ioohdshdsfkhflqiehfsdlfk #ohhhh my fucking god #my ONE WISH

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god i want bottom surgery so much

#i feel like im dying wtf

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Affordance Widths

Okay. There’s a social interaction concept that I’ve tried to convey multiple times in multiple conversations, so I’m going to just go ahead and make a graph.

I’m calling this concept “Affordance Widths”.

Let’s say there’s some behavior {B} that people can do more of, or less of. And everyone agrees that if you don’t do enough of the behavior, bad thing {X} happens; but if you do too much of the behavior, bad thing {Y} happens.

Now, let’s say we have five different people: Adam, Bob, Charles, David, and Edgar. Each of them can do more or less {B}. And once they do too little, {X} happens. But once they do too much, {Y} happens. But where {X} and {Y} starts happening is a little fuzzy, and is different for each of them. Let’s say we can magically graph it, and we get something like this:

Now, let’s look at these five men’s experiences.

Adam doesn’t understand what the big deal about {B} is. He feels like this is a behavior that people can generally choose how much they do, and yeah if they don’t do the *bare minimum* shit goes all dumb, and if they do a *ridiculous* amount then shit goes dumb a different way, but otherwise do what you want, you know?

Bob understands that {B} can be an important behavior, and that there’s a minimum acceptable level of {B} that you need to do to not suffer {X}, and a maximum amount you can get away with before you suffer {Y}. And Bob feels like {X} is probably more important a deal than {Y} is. But generally, he and Adam are going to agree quite a bit about what’s an appropriate amount of {B}ing for people to do. (Bob’s heuristic about how much {B} to do is the thin cyan line.)

Charles isn’t so lucky, by comparison. He’s got a *very* narrow band between {X} and {Y}, and he has to constantly monitor his behavior to not fall into either of them. He probably has to deal with {X} and {Y} happening a lot. If he’s lucky, he does less {B} than average; if he’s not so lucky, then he tries to copy Bob’s strategy and winds up getting smacked with {Y} way more often than Bob does.

Poor David’s in a situation called a “double bind”. There is NO POSSIBLE AMOUNT of {B} he can do to prevent both {X} and {Y} from happening; he simply has to choose his poison. If he tries Bob’s strategy, he’ll get hit hard with {X} *AND* {Y}, simultaneously, and probably be pretty pissed about it. On the other hand, if he runs into Charles, and Charles has his shit figured out, then Charles might tell him to tack into a spot where David only has to deal with {X}. Bob and Adam are going to be utterly useless to David, and are going to give advice that keeps him right in the ugly overlap zone.

Then there’s Edgar. Edgar’s fucked. There is *NO AMOUNT* of behavior that Edgar can dial into, where he isn’t getting hit HARD by {X} *and* {Y}. There’s places way out on the extreme - places where most people are getting slammed hard by {X} or slammed hard by {Y} - where Edgar notices a slight decrease in the contra failure mode. So Edgar probably spends most of his time on the edges, either doing all-B or no-B, and people probably tell him to stop being so black-and-white about B and find a good middle spot like everyone else. Edgar probably wants to punch those people, starting with Adam.

In any real situation, the affordance width is probably determined by things independent of X, Y, and B. Telling Bob to do a little more {B} than Adam, and Charles to do a little less {B} than Adam or Bob, is great advice. But David and Edgar need different advice - they need advice one meta-level up, about how to widen their affordance width between {X} and {Y} so that *some* amount of {B} will be allowed at all.

In most of the situations where this is most salient to me, {B} is a social behavior, and {X} and {Y} are punishments that people mete out to people who do not conform to correct {B}-ness. A lot of the affordance width that Adam and Bob have would probably be identified as ‘halo effects’.

For example, let’s say {B} is assertiveness in a job interview. Let’s say {X} represents coming across as socially weak, while {Y} represents coming across as arrogant. Adam probably has a lot going for him - height, age, socioeconomic background, etc. - that make him just plain *likeable*, so he can be way more assertive than Charles and seem like a go-getter, *or* seem way less assertive than Charles and seem like a good team player. Whereas David was probably born the wrong skin color and god-knows-what-else, and Edgar probably has some kind of Autism-spectrum disorder that makes *any* amount of assertiveness seem dangerous, and *any* amount of non-assertiveness seem pathetic.

There’s plenty of other values for {B}, {X} and {Y} that I could have picked; filling them in is left as an exercise for the reader.

Does this make sense to people?

#yes thank god thank god #(altho in Liberal Circles david is just as likely to be emily -- #that is to say he'll be condemned excessively for masculine behavior despite the fact that he feels pressured into it by broader society) #but yeah no tho this has nailed it