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Trust in the feeling
I have hade this feeling in my stomach. A feeling of unwell, a feeling that somthing is wrong, somthing is up. When i get this feeling i usually ignore it and brush it of. But it has never let me wrong every time i got it it has been there because my body was trying to tell my brain somthing. Every time its was somthing that was going on around me but i was to stupid to see. So now that i havr this weird feeling agen im gonna listen. Becouse i learn if so slowly. And guess what i think i know whats wrong. Its a dubble faced snake in my life. And im not oky with that. Of you playing a game.. do it without me as one of you pawns. I quite.. i dont need ppl like you in my life. Get some one els you can make fun of, to put down, to talk about behind there backs. To lie of, to make story's up of. I dont need ppl that need that to feel better about there miserable life. Im gotten strong enuff to say: NO. No more. Go fudge yourself.
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It happens in threes
All in life happens in 3s. So ofc this hade to happen now. Im going to be homeless for the fist time in my life I dont know where im going to live in 3 months. Its hard to find apartments here in my town. There is a point system and i have only about 2years pf points but by now you need like at least 5years of points. I feel like hitting my head in the wall.. I have been crying on and off for the last 1h. Trying to keep my shot together in public.
And ofc this is thing nr 2.. so if the theory of life is right and it always is I have one more big bad to come.. I dont know if I can take anymore news that hurt me.. im feeling close to my breaking point.. and thia is bad. Trying to breathe. Breathe.
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Kick me down and keep on kicking
How many times can a heart brake before its to broken to mend ever agen?! Why do I even care, why does it bother me so much, why cant I just forget amd shrug it of, why does my heart hurt still for him when I get news like he moved on, they moved together. Why cant I just be happy gor him. Why do I wish he couldn't move on without me. I dont want him to be unhappy I want him to be happy. So why does it hurt hearing he is happy and they moved on together. Why am I jealous of her. Ive moved on and Im totally and utterly in love with someone else. So why do I feel so sad so broken agen to get the news of his happiness?!
And why do I have to hear it from someone else, why isent he texting or meeting me anymore. I thought he wanted us to be friends. But he has not made any effort at all the last few month. And why does he pretend to want to be my friend and then not act. I told him that if he dosent want to be my friend he dosent have to.. he just has to tell me so. So that i dont invest so much energi in a friendship that isent real.
I wanna scream, I want to kick myself for feeling anything for him still. I want to carve out my heart and burn the bits away that still beat and feel for him. So that I finally can move past him forever. Life would be so much easier without this heavy feelings of loss and destructive feelings.
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The hollow
Life.. this agen. Why do I feel so hollow? When I'm with him, he who waited for me and waited some more when I was broken. He who mended my heart to a some what function piece agen. I feel safe and good woth him. He makes me turn of my thoughts and im happy when he's with me. But as soon as im alone agen i feel like i dont belong here in this world.. that im odd and nothing worth really to this world. Im hallow and pointless. Why do i feel so when im alone.. I dont want to be needy an clingy and depended on him all the time to keep me zen and happy. I need to get my shit together. I need to be able to function when im alone. Not to feel like this worthless being that I feel of being right now. I want to be a person that is worthy of him and his love. Not this shell of a thing that im now.
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In a daze, like a foggie wall
Do you ever have days where you feel like you in a fog, a daze. Like you can see life but it feels like a wall of fog in between you and the world. Like your looking in but no one can see you and life doesn't feel real. Like it's a dream. I hade such a day today. And the first comment l got when I told about this weird feeling to someone close to me is if I was off my meds our taking them wrong. But I'm not. Life just felt on real today to me. Like I never woke up this morning.
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Songs of thoughts
Thoughts.. so many thoughs. Like all of the sudden I think about my friend that passed away 2 years ago because they couldn’t take this world anymore. And how my and hers ex wrote a beautiful song about her. And how I would never get a song writen about me from him. And would he even care that much if I was gone. Well stupid thoughts sometimes. And all because I miss her and we had him both in our life that close.
I shouldn’t get jealous for not getting a song about me. I probably never will get one ever from anyone.
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The Bridge
Standing here thinking how did I get here. How could it go so fare, where did I go wrong. Why do I feel this is the only right way. I look up and breath, I look down. I feel the cold steel under my fingers. The wind is blowing throw my hair and I feel ready, but then I see your face. Your beautiful eyes and you wonderful curly hair and I remeber why I cant do this. because of you I will never be able to do this. I need you in my life. you are my sunshine in the day, my moon in the night lighting the way throw life. You make me better. Life with you is worth living. I love you forever my dearest soulsister. Never ever forget that. And even if you leave me like everyone I care about does, I will never stop loving you. I will allways be there if you need me to be. (From a few months ago)
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One heart beating for two
Being in love with two people. How did this happen? The one is my lost love and the love of my life and the other is the love that feels new like butterflies in you stomach and the one growing everyday. They are two kinds of loves to two weary diffrent people. I tried to stop loving them both but my heart dosent let me. So I will from now on and forever love them both. One will maybe fade a little in the background but never disappear all the way. And you know what, im okey with this. Life is not perfect so why should love and feeling be. We live, we love, we die. Nothing is perfect but we survive the best we can.
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Mixed feelings
My ex was at my party. And a part of me wanted to make him jealous of me and my new love. Why. Thats just stupid. I love my new love.. why do I have to make my ex jealous. Im happy with my new love. But why do I still love my ex two. And why would I ever want him back. Because I would take him back.. I love my new love and I want to grow old with him and to have kids. But everytime I think of my ex i get sad because I want him back two. I wanted to touch and kiss him last night. What wrong with me. Can someone please slapp me so I snapp out of this. And dont destroy somthing that is so good and pure. That actually is good for me. Well Im stupid and a bad person. Thats one fact I know for sure now.
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Getting another year older
I always get nostalgic before my birthday and think more about what has been then whats coming. I like to get celebrated but I dont like the getting older part. I dont know why it is that I get this way.. I always have what I can remember. Maybe even as a kid but then it was more like thoughts of i hope we get this awesome strawberries agen. Well getting a year older tomorrow if I want it or not its gonna happen. And what does it mean. Should I start thinking about family soon or do I still have time to breathe on my own?!
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Dont let him in
Why would you do this to yourself, why would you even think it. You must be a masochist to do that to yourself. Why do you feel like you would take him back if he changed his mind and wanted you agen. Yes it was amazing sex but was it really anything more.. anyting. He does have a sexy as hell body and you bodys matched so well together when you hade sex but what els was there. You love to listen to him talk about stuff he likes and has a passion for even though you dident have a interest in most of the stuff. You just liked yo listen and se him light up talking. But thats not a healthy ground to build on. Ye he feels right because you where so good in bed together but thats not what you build a future on. What you have now is so much more real. Ye you dont feel the same attractions to him yet but its not all about looks and you like him, think hes cute and he cares so much about you and makes you feel good and special. He makes you happy and you make him happy being you just as screwed up as you are. You can talk about everything, laugh about the same stuff mostly. You are good for each other, this is what you can build an actually future on. So why would a part of you take him back when you have something much better in your life. Why would you ever wanna destroy that and hurt him like that for someone that hurt you so much and made you feel like you not worthy anything to anyone. Stop being a masochist. Dont let him back in. Let yoi friends help you to build a wall around you so he dosent get to you agen and destroys everything good in your life. Because you and me know that he could with only four words. "I want you back"
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To make it stop
Well I shouldn't complain, I had a normal day. Its just my brain doesn't think of it as good. My head makes me doubt everything about life today. I tried to make it stop by cleaning the apartment but it didn't help. So I went for a run to try and clear my head. After 4 km it finally started to help. I had to concentrate on not falling because its snowing and the road was slippery. It helpt. When I got home I had been running for 44:22 min and made 7:42 km. Wich made me proud of myself and that boosted me and made it easier to shut of the bad parts of my brain.
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Depression
When you depress all your feelings over the years of sadness, anger, loneliness and only show people happiness and your always smiling to not show them what you feel. You had your walls up. But what if you crash and the walls explode. You cant build them up and all those feelings you had hiding bubble up to the surface. But instead of feeling like a normal person you feel everything more intense. So when you feel down it feels like the world could end. When you get angry people have to hide from you because even a "hi" could make you get boom on them. When you get sad you could water a whole village. You wish for your walls but its hard to build them up agen. And you know it's better not to. This is what depression makes you feel. It's like the wildest roller coaster ride of feelings you ever been on. An you cant get of you have to ride it to the end. And hopefully you get of on the other end feeling normal. Or at least better then you did before. So dont hide your feelings because they don't disappear they are all still there waiting to come out.
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Reflection
Reflection on last year! Good thinks: *I started out strong with jogging 6 times a week. *I found the love of my life. *I found myself a little bit. *New friends *I found my soulsister and best friend. *I completed my goul to lose weight, from 78kg to 55kg. A total los of 23kg in a year. *I moved and lived by myself for the first time probably in my life for real. *I took the first step to mental health. Bad thinks: *My love broke my heart in a million pieces. He will always be the love of my life but as we know you get more then one. *Work sick. Stuff att work and working as I do. *I walked in to a wall or some one pulled the carpet away under my feet. Total collapse. 2016 has been both a good and a bad year. I wish i could change a few thinks but at the same time Im happy for how I have it now. 2017 looks like a good year. Got medecin for my mental health and a therapist to talk to. I've moved to a 4 room apartment with my bestfriend. Got a cute little rabbit from my brother. A good friend of mine told me he want me to be his girlfriend and that he has loved me for almost a year. I started with running agen. This years goul is to say what i think, mostly compliments that I think but never say out loud. To get my body inte shape, building some muscles. And slowly looking for a work that im passionate about.
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Even if this life ends, your essence will continue on. We are all stardust. - S.Klink
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Why do ther have to be so many people in my life. They feels like a burden sometimes, to have to stay just for them. I have no energi left what so ever. I wish I could go to sleep now. It feels like my soul hase gone and my body is a empty shell. It is sad that you are give only the cards you can handel. But I think someone must have given me the wrong card because I can not handel this. Its to much.
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Smile you have to smile. Then everything will get better and look brighter. What a loot of bull crap that is. Im a pro at the fake smile to make the world believe that im fine but in truth im dying inside. I dont know what to do but it feels like my body is slowly dying under me. I try to scream but nothing comes out.
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