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Having died and brought back is the most surreal experience. The agony that they kept trying is soul destroying. I think a higher being is toying with me. How much failure and heartache is one person meant to take. It stopped beating. It should have been left at that. Now every palpitation replaces the skip. The pains replaced the butterflies. The guilt replaces the happiness. It feels like less of a miracle and more like a death sentence. My living nightmare. A sentence that I'm trapped in. Being trapped in my own head with the constant laughter of yet another failure. My depression took pity. The doctors took my life.
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Autopilot may be a negative byproduct. But the feeling of euphoria is priceless.
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Sometimes life is so predictable you feel almost stupid that you didn't see it. Its a mirror of the past down to the finest details. But its your choice. Do you follow the same path as you did before? Known all to well how it ends. Or do you stray away from the deja vu and cause a chain reaction ultimately changing not only your destiny but everyone's around you. The answer may seem simple but is far from it.
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Sometimes I hide behind a false smile because secretly I'm expecting you to walk away.
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Sometimes walking away is the hardest thing to do. But sometimes its also the kindest. You just have to have the courage to take that first step.
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