untamedunwanted

[untamedunwanted]

You do not get to tell me that I am not brave when I had to learn how to live without you. You do not understand how hard that was, or what it took for me to see the night sky and love it again despite you not being there by my side.

- Nikita Gill

[untamedunwanted]

You kidnapped a princess, because your dragon daughter wanted a princess. You are not sure why exactly she wanted one but you got her one.

[untamedunwanted]

I'm just trying to become someone who the child inside me will not hate. I'm trying to be everything she needed and did not receive. She is so lonely still. It's not fair that she is so lonely still.

Nikita Gill

[untamedunwanted]

Did you really think you had ruined me? Did you think it would be that easy? Let me remind you, then, of the wildfire makes me. Let me show you how I will turn your whole world to ash. You forgot that I am a torch song. That everything that touches me will only know how to burn.

Nikita Gill, Daughter of the Fire God

[untamedunwanted]

The first time our eyes met across a crowded room, it was not love at first sight. Love did not grab me by the throat. Instead when I looked at you, I saw the flowers in the meadow I used to play in as a child. What I mean to say is, every time I think of you, I remember the safest, most sacred place I ever knew. Every time I touch you, my whole body blossoms with wildflowers.

Nikita Gill

[untamedunwanted]

A man tells me I have the single trait required to be a good mother: I know how to give until I am empty. And by this, he meant I am very good at breaking my soul into pieces for everyone I love. I will hurt myself in the process of protecting everyone around me and I am good and quiet at being taken for granted. Can you blame me? I come from a legacy of women who were raised to be useful rather than joyful. Once upon a time, even my grandmother was just a little girl. She loved flowers and had a laugh as free as a cascading waterfall. That was before she was made to carry the weight of a crumbling family on her back. How can I look at the skies with hope and think that I would not have to carry them too? Every woman I have loved has been Atlas. Holding the heavens on her shoulders, giving and giving until she is devoured.

- Nikita Gill

[untamedunwanted]

Sometimes I think about how beautiful it is that humans sing despite it all. That through suffering, we still sing. How even on the worst of days in the world, there were still people singing. The way a mother sings a lullaby to her crying baby to soothe her. Or the way sailors sang sea shanties out even on choppy oceans to build a sense of familiarity and camaraderie as they worked. Or how even in the depths of the earth, coal miners sing. Isn’t that the most beautiful thing about the human spirit? That we found a way to reach each other in the darkness. To let each other know through song, that do not worry, I am here. Let us sing together and ease each others fears.

- Nikita Gill

[untamedunwanted]

Your mother warns you about love. She tells you it will leave you hollow. You think she loved the wrong man. You think it will be different for you. And one day you will meet him, and your desire for him will haunt you till you cannot bear to be away from him. Nothing prepares you for what happens next. Love will come for you like a forest fire. And you will open your arms to it and him. You will take his burning even as you become ashes, but what good are ashes to a flame? When he is done, he will leave you in ashes and sorrow. And just like your mother, you will learn the more you give, the more love will leave you hollow. You will join the long legacy of women who warn their daughters about love.

Nikita Gill

[untamedunwanted]

The bad news is we will never go back to the way it used to be. The good news is we will never go back to the way it used to be.

- Nikita Gill

[untamedunwanted]

The problem is the knowledge. The knowledge you will get older, that you need comfort and safety and financial security, and your loved ones need the same and the world is not built to simply give you those things for simply living. You fear that the love you hold in your chest is not enough because you have been told love is not enough for a secure future. That you must work yourself to the bones and it still may not be enough. The knowledge is heavy. It is like a hand wrapped around your throat. Because all you really want is to lie in peace in a meadow somewhere, your head on your lover’s chest as they read your favourite book to you. But you have been taught that to earn this life, you must first set yourself on fire. And then what remains of you may just may be rewarded. I hope the world changes for you. I hope you get your meadow one day and you do not have to burn to get it. I hope it’s as vibrant as you always wanted it to be.

- Nikita Gill, Midnight Thoughts

[untamedunwanted]

The thing is, I would rather be the one hurt than watch you hurting. If there was a way to take your pain, I would do it. I would do it and not even wince at the suffering because you were finally free of it.

[untamedunwanted]

Do you ever think about how when you were little, someone you look up to made you feel small, and how this caused you to perpetually underestimate yourself and it doesn't matter how often someone tells you how amazing you are, you still hear that voice in your head. The first voice that told you that you are small and unworthy? Do you ever wonder how many pieces of yourself it would take to feed that voice? How many sacrifices you will make of yourself before you realise, enough is enough?

Nikita Gill

[untamedunwanted]

Sing O goddess, of Hera's rage, how they vilified her for it, even if she was a woman betrayed. Sing O goddess, of Helen's desire, how everyone forgot she was the daughter of the most powerful God and that was what made the whole world burn. Sing O goddess, of Hestia's fires, how she left the cruelty of Olympus for a peaceful life - how she gave Prometheus the idea to steal the sacred flames for the mortal world. Sing O goddess, but not of Odysseus or Menelaus, Achilles or Agamemnon. Sing instead of women full of fire. Sing us the torch song which brings wildfire when Goddesses like you are ignored.

Nikita Gill, Great Goddesses 2

[untamedunwanted]

Sing O goddess, of Hera's rage, how they vilified her for it, even if she was a woman betrayed. Sing O goddess, of Helen's desire, how everyone forgot she was the daughter of the most powerful God and that was what made the whole world burn. Sing O goddess, of Hestia's fires, how she left the cruelty of Olympus for a peaceful life - how she gave Prometheus the idea to steal the flames for the mortal world. Sing O goddess, but not of Odysseus or Menelaus, Achilles or Agamemnon. Sing instead of women full of fire. Sing us the torch song which brings the wildfire when Goddesses like you are ignored.

Nikita Gill, Great Goddesses 2

[untamedunwanted]

I know I am not the only one who was surprised  to learn that a star nosed mole exists.  At some point, the universe decided  that even a being that lived underground  needed reminding where he came from,  so it gave him a nose that belonged in space,  a place he would never see or understand  because moles cannot see  to the end of their noses.  I think about the love that you  and I shared that way sometimes.  That it was a gift from the universe  even though it knew we would not understand it.  I think that was why it was so easy for us  to let each other go in the end.  We did not know what we were holding.  We did not see it, even though it was right there.  At the end of our noses.

Nikita Gill, Star Nosed Moles and Lessons From the Universe

[untamedunwanted]

I am the hungriest thing you will ever meet. It’s the way my mother made me. She was hungry too, her whole life. Maybe some women are just made this way. Longing for something that does not exist. Forever searching, and never finding it.

[untamedunwanted]

I am teaching myself how to be kinder to myself by reframing my language. Instead of berating myself when I do not succeed at something, I remind myself that this was a lesson not a failure. Instead of putting myself down in crowds of people, I listen more to those around me and only add something when I feel ready to speak more kindly both towards myself and others. Instead of hating the younger version of myself, I remind myself that I did the best I could with what I was given. Self love is a daily practice. And it is not linear at all.