untouchablethenanduntouchablenow

[untouchablethenanduntouchablenow]

October 28

i was sincerly in love with you keep that in mind so i let u go when u wanted to even when i was hurting i let u walk in my life again because i thought it's the right time but no the time was never wrong it has always been right we were completely wrong we're not for each other Never tell me it's all my fault Never tell me i didn't do anything Never blame me. Because i loved you so much i let myself gamble into ur stupid games I destroyed myself again I was healed And now I'm freaking broken. Again. You have no idea how painful it is To have someone you love die, while the body is still breathing I don't know how you do it Don't tell me you warned me You warned me But you didn't warn me for this Don't act ignorant You know exactly what you've done I've had enough of putting you first Considering your place I've been a good human to you Someday i may look behind all this and laugh Right now, i am crying I am crying for nonsense It's ok to cry, i can't help it, I've been dropped from the clouds It's okay because u don't know You don't deserve to know You don't deserve to know you succeeded in destroying me I'm just going to pretend nothing happened While i wrote these things secretly Did u know i tried to win u back many times Between those times were deep fights with myself Giving up my healing to try again I was too naive to see all of these before Right now i see myself hopelessly chasing someone that was never meant for me I used to be that girl Not anymore I've always thought i was comfortable when I'm w u But every second was a lie Every second was doing my best to impress you Doing my best for u to see me as the best Which is I'm not I'm practically half as perfect as u see me When i wasn't even perfect that whole time In simplier form, I'm worse than my worsts Please don't even bother to contact me U had gone through a month, a year, without me U can get through ur life without me I can do the same I have to adapt, or else i will die I won't even try to be polite anymore After showing respect countless times, u don't deserve my decent version There are no more bridges. F u

[untouchablethenanduntouchablenow]

October 16

They twinkled The stars, the lights, they twinkled too They twinkled as we walked You arms in my shoulder And our eyes, they twinkled Tonight, the stars twinkled too But there are no more lights And our eyes stopped twinkling too It won't be long til the stars stopped twinkling too

[untouchablethenanduntouchablenow]

I'm scared. I'm scared to ask what's going on. What's going on with you, what's going on between us. I'm scared. I'm scared to get disappointed. Even though you rejected me multiple times, it still hurts when you turn me down. I think i shouldn't be in a situation where i have to take risks at all times. I deserve to have peace. I always lose in your games. I am exhausted, so no more games.

[untouchablethenanduntouchablenow]

july 19 2018

it's 2 am. i can't sleep. every time i close my eyes i remember everything that happened between us. i just realized, how much you have hurt me. you knew you were hurting me, didn't you? yet you watched me. what was i to you? what am i really to you? you won't even open up to me. yeah we're through from bwing together but aren't we supposed to be friends? can't we please be just genuinely friends? because in case you still don't know, i trust you. a lot. imagine, after what you did to me, i still trust you. dumb right? no. is it because you're all i have? no. it's because, i already have forgiven you from all of it. but forgive me, i can't fall in love with you ever again. i can't love someone who thinks i'm a joke.

[untouchablethenanduntouchablenow]

lived

let me tell you a story of a flower living in the mountains. this flower is a rose. it is happy living wildly and free. it has everything it needs, the right heat of the sun, the right amount of rain, the soil it's standing from. it blooms so good, no wonder it caught someone's eye. this girl plucked it from its bush. having no idea what's happening, the rose blooms still. she put it in a vase with some water. i would still live, said the flower. she did live.. for a while. everyday the girl cuts its stem, replaces the water, the flower didn't feel anything different. until one day, she stopped. she stopped cutting its stem. she stopped replacing its water. she stopped taking care of it because it's withering. its petals turned brown, eventually fell off the ground. the flower was dying. it didn't know it died from the moment it got plucked off its bush. it thought the vase was its new home. little did it know it was its graveyard. she used to be so alive. she used to be so happy. she was fine. until you killed her. she thought you were her home. how does it feel to kill someone? without the intention but you knew better. you know to yourself you knew better. i can't blame you. who wouldn't resist such beauty? although you could've took her roots with her, you chose to cut her off. kill her right away just because it pleases you so.

[untouchablethenanduntouchablenow]

The person that loves you is dying. Can you bring her back? You've kept secrets. It was painful. I pretended that it was nothing, but I'm sure you knew i was hurting. If you can't love me, then stop giving me hope. Stop making me fall in love with you again. Stop bringing her back to life. Let her die. Let her fade. Let her tears water me. I will grow. I will be better. I will forget the idea of loving you. Like you forgot about me. You only remembered me on your difficult times. You forgot about me when you're having a great time. You.. you give me hope. I love you. I hope you know. I'm glad i showed you. I'm sorry we had to end. I have to give you up. I need to choose between you and me, this time, i am choosing me. Because the last time i chose you, you left me.

[untouchablethenanduntouchablenow]

If i could be completely honest

You used me. Sadly, i allowed you. Because you made me happy. All those happiness became extreme sorrow. It bothers me everytime. It haunts me in my sleep. It creeps in my cries. The thought of you makes me mad. I lose focus. I cannot fathom how someone could hurt you so much without them even knowing. I blamed myself for letting myself depend on you. I hate you. No. I hate myself. I was dishonest. I cried everytime you told me the truth. I can't accept the truth. I can't leave you. I can't give up on you. I can't unlove you. But you don't even love me. I hate it. I hate my feelings. I hated myself for getting too addicted on you. If i was completely honest, I'd beg you to love me. To choose me. I am desperately in love with you and it hurts too much. I am losing hope. I can't even see myself in the future happy with someone else. I hated myself for assuming you're the one for me. I hate myself for still believing so. I am such a coward. I pretend to be your friend when i don't want to be just a friend. I told you lies about how I've moved on but i still honestly love you. I told you i was okay when i am having breakdowns. I lost you. I lost myself. We've lost in love. I hate us. The love i have for you is unhealthy and i don't want you to get sick. Ive waited for you. But you always stood me up and I'm done.

[untouchablethenanduntouchablenow]

We're free

I've always thought it all only happens on screens. These romantic scenes, they only fit fantasy. Then you suddenly held my hand with such strength to stop me from choking you. Moved them closer to your lips, kissed it as if you're only breathing. Little did you know i had hard time breathing. I was caught off guard. I never knew you could be that sweet. 'Twas all cloudy. We thought it would be nice to feel loved by the person we loved. To live the dream we used to ask for. Or was it just me. Anyways, i had fun. You see, you showed me that there are possibilities. Possibilities that i can be loved also. I can't lock you up forever. You are entitled to meet a better person. I can't chain myself forever. I am also entitled to meet a better person. But i know, i am sure, i loved you. I loved you so much. I still love you tho, but i am no longer sure how much. Things happened for a reason. I really thought it was already you. Something told me this is him. Sadly, i am not the one for you. I need to find someone else. I can't just stay alone in this lifetime. I apologize for not keeping my promise. I will love you forever tho. You are my first love. My strength. My weakness. My worst heartbreak. My hopeless cries. My lesson. Wait, di ka nga pala akin. Lol. You will always have a special place in my heart. You proved to me that too much love is toxic. But if we ever get a chance again, i will love you with maturity lol. I will be better. I am willing to accept what the future will bring. For now, be free. Let's both be free. I am sorry for choking you. Literally and figuratively.

[untouchablethenanduntouchablenow]

February

I'm sorry i didn't tell you what happened. I can't bear to tell you sad things because i don't want you to worry or maybe it's just that i knew you wouldn't even care. Char. I know you care about me because we're friends. I can't find the right words to say, how i should tell you everything so i chose to shut up. I didn't want you to think that i am weak. I wanted you to lean on me. It shouldn't be the other way around. I'm sorry I've kept a lot of secrets from you---from everyone. I'm scared you'll change the way you treat me. I don't want any pity from anyone. I hope someday I'll have the courage to tell you eveything.

[untouchablethenanduntouchablenow]

I had a dream manen

Ayoko na sana syang isipin. Pero nasa panaginip ko na naman sya. Umuwi daw sya bigla. Nabigla kamjng lahat. Lumabas kami. Kumain. Masaya kami na nakita namin sya ulit. Yun lang naman tapos nagising na ko. Matagal na kaming di nag uusap. Lol ang arte mga 1 week lang naman. Basta. Baka busy sya. Well, these past few days were torment. Ayoko sabihin kung bakit pero i know i am not getting better. And it makes me realize how much i don't deserve this guy. That this guy would live an awful life if he ever ends up with me. It's unfair to him. So, nagplano ako. Lalayo muna ako. Lalayo na naman. Siguro baka kapag okay na ko, biglang wala nang pag-asa. But it's okay. Okay lang. I need to love myself to truly love someone else. I need to be better. I need to change. This is not the best version of me. This is not even me. So yun nga. I'll give it my best shot. I've been dying to get rid of this.. this guilt feeling. This shtty mindset. Bahala na kung ano talaga. Kung kami talaga, magiging kami. Kung hindi, hindi magiging kami sa dulo. Acceptance. Accept this painful reality so it'll be less painful. Be well my love.

[untouchablethenanduntouchablenow]

Cafuné

In surprise Always in surprise A hand touches her head A slight pull of hair Strands between his fingers Never fails to give her shivers And when he lets go She couldn't help but ask for more But what can she do Nothing but wait Wait to be surprised again Although she hated surprises She never hated his touches

[untouchablethenanduntouchablenow]

Jan 19 2018 Hihi ugly, messy, but still a cutie

[untouchablethenanduntouchablenow]

[untouchablethenanduntouchablenow]

Don't push me btch

Stop pushing me to other guys. Stop it. It actually hurts me. A bit. A lot. Sometimes. Yes, you own my heart. No, you can't controll it. I didn't choose to fall in love with you. I never wanted to fall in love with you. Why would i even fall in love with some guy who treats me badly? Why would i even fall in love with some guy who doesn't love me? I didn't want this. I didn't want you. Sadly, i fell in love with you. I fell in love with the guy who treats me badly. I fell in love with the guy who doesn't love me. However, this guy, is amazing. The way he loves the people around him, amazes me. I wished i could be like him. I wished i could be around him. I wished he could love me.. but he can't.  I tried hard enough. I know he tried too. He still couldn't love me. It is truly heartbreaking. But my heart is still whole. It still loves him like it's never been broken by the same guy it beats for. What's my point? My point is, please just let me love you. Don't push me away. I know my place. I will stick to my place. You don't have to be afraid. You don't have to be burdened. I just want to be here for you. Let me be here for you. Please. I love you. Don't hate me for loving you.

[untouchablethenanduntouchablenow]

☺

She loves him and she's not sure why She misses him even when looking at the sky The good times they had, she remembers The sound of his laughter, it lingers Everytime he looks at her in the eyes Her mind gives her false hopes and lies That this guy is yours, he feels the same But it's too impossible, it is insane When he was still touchable and near Her heart beats faster, wait this isn't real It only happens in movies, who is she kidding Still it beats faster just by thinking of him She loves him, however he does not It hurts, she cried, but she's not sad Because she actually loved someone sincerely She will take it with her, this beautiful memory

[untouchablethenanduntouchablenow]

He said "don't fall in love with me"

He said “don’t fall in love with me” I laughed and was confident That I won’t love you again He said “don’t fall in love with me” He’s not sure what the future will bring So i told him not to worry a thing He said “don’t fall in love with me” Then why are you flashing your smiles With eyes glittering like stars He said “don’t fall in love with me” While holding on my hand so tight This is wrong although it feels right He said “don’t fall in love with me Because i may not end up with you” Just repeating what i already knew He said “don’t fall in love with me, But I admit i am falling for you” Confused, i don’t know what to do He said “don’t fall in love with me” We had drawn a line between us Wishing these feelings will soon pass He said “don’t fall in love with me” I gave him assurance that i won’t So he doesn’t have to give it a thought He said “don’t fall in love with me” As he waved me goodbye I am sorry i had to lie

[untouchablethenanduntouchablenow]

ward two christmas party

"Wish you were here" Gasgas na linyahan. Now i can relate to it. Well  noon din pero mas malala ngayon. Like it could've been more fun if you were here. BUT that kind of mindset is toxicating. It spoils the fun so i try my best to just make the most out of a moment. I try to be happy bec duh fake it til you make it and that's true. Wala akong masyadong masulat yun lang naman thought ko kanina na heyyy sana nandito ka ngayon see what you're missing and i also miss you charot. Pero masaya naman kanina. Naapreciate ko sila prince and carla. Kapal ng mukha ko makikain. Sila naglalapit sakin lagi para di me ma-op huhu love you guys. And that's it. Just a reminder again, you can do whatever you want. I am actually expecting the worst case scenario of you getting married to someone this year. I'm looking forward to it haha. That's what accounting taught me. Conservatism. Recognize any probable loss. Sana wag mo nang isipin na baliw pa rin ako sayo. Well ikaw pa rin talaga para sakin pero i don't think kaya mo kong mahalin talaga.  We've gone this far and we didn't make any progress. I mean you can never love me. I can feel it hahahuhu. That freakin hurts but I've learned to just accept things the way they are. I really thought that if i showed you how sincere my feelings are towards you, i really thought that maybe, you'll love me back too. But that didn't happen. And it's okay. It's okay if you don't see me as your potential eternal companion. It's okay if we don't end up together. It's okay if i wasted my time on you. Because darling every second i spent with you was magical. You deserve every bit of my love. Every bit of love in this world. You deserve so much love. I love you. I know you already know that. I just want you to be happy and please never hesitate telling me any of your problems. I got your back bes. So yeah malaya ka. Malayang malaya. Ayon. Drama ko pwe.