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cavetowns cat is called juno

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spilt blue hair dye on the pink bath mat but I was too tired to clean it up so now it has been dyed. im sitting in the junk room and it is so cold i have goosebumps and I am in shorts so really being cold is a situation that I can fix but I just sort of feel paralysed. Watching a cavetown vod (?)

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I think maybe im really really stressed about school starting again because every time stressful stuff is coming up I don't feel actively stressed and I'll think im not bothered at all and then I'll realise that like. my tongue is swollen or I've been super aggressive for no reason or I'm like physically exhausted and then it clicks that its probably unconscious stress and it affects me like that a lot which. especially in this specific case is pretty fucking awful sometimes. anyway

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in summation

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my mum told me she tried to break up with my dad multiple times before they got engaged. and that sometimes he's so awful that she just wants to leave him and the way she was talking about it made it seem like it was OFTEN. and then she'd be but its fine I love him I just need to remember when he's being awful that I dont actually want to leave him because the good parts are so good. and when she was describing the stuff that made her want to leave before they got engaged when they were still in their 20s and stuff like. i could see so much of the shitty stuff about myself in the shitty stuff my dad does and he's 46 and still has no control over his emotions. One time he took books off my sisters bookcase and threw them across the room and one hit my mum in the face that is one of my biggest secrets even though it isn't like. me I dunno but heres another one. One time I was frazzled and my sister pissed me off and I screamed at her that she was sick in the head and that there was something deeply wrong with her and I said some really awful stuff to her just to make her cry and it was over two years ago now but I still think about it a lot because I said all that stuff to a twelve year old and I'm supposed to be the person that protects her from stuff like that. Here's my biggest secret at this present moment because idk maybe I just feel like revealing that im a rancid shitty little person. I think I gave my sister an eating disorder. I spent her childhood calling her fat and telling her friends to guess how much she weighed and making her friends and our cousins turn against her just for fun and I didn't even remember any of it until this holiday where she brought it up and told me that she doesn't think she'll ever forgive me for it and I can't believe I don't even remember something that literally traumatised her. When my mum had cancer I used to ask my teacher to get the class to pray for her but I didn't even believe in god it was just for attention. One time I made a girl lock herself in the bathroom crying for literal hours and she refused to ever talk about it and I don't remember what I said either so whatever the fuck it was is lost forever. One time a boy came up to me in the playground and asked me if I wanted to play with him and I scratched him down the face so hard it bled. Maybe I'm just experiencing retributions actually

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so here's the thing. I can like feel myself rotting like me right now I can feel myself slipping into being a worse person than I was before. This summer has been really fucking awful and im really fucking lonely and that is turning me bitter and angry and closed off and if I weren't so depressed at this moment I'd be able to fix myself because like. Logically I Know its so much better and nicer to be kind and nice but rn im just so far down a massive fuckin pit that I can't find the energy to not be a massive bitch all the time and that's gonna fuck up my remaining relationships with people and that sucks but I just can't seem to stop being angry and prickly and argumentative.

#my mum #told me #shes worried #because i need to #be someone other #people can get #along with

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ayup. dude I have had the worst fucking hour wish I wasn't entirely sick in the head this sucks

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DUDE this is so weird the last time I was on tumblr I was TEN YEARS OLD. that's so weird thats so weird wtf the passage of time this account has jusf been waiting for me. just another account in dan n phils following lists. WEIRD

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anyway. I had so many thoughts yesterday I feel like I'm gonna forget them all by the time im ready to think again. whatever

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I am exactly the same as I was what. 6 years ago????? nothing has changed

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