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Granny Weatherwax and Sam Vimes wouldn’t get on at all, and they’d never admit why, but it’s because they’re too similar. They both have an internal morality more sturdy and unmovable than a mountain, they both know they contain the capacity for great evil, but keep themselves in line with self discipline the likes of which most people couldn’t dream of. They both know about the importance of choice, and of truth, and of autonomy. If either of them were able to look past their aversion to seeing their own reflection, and worked together, they’d be fucking unstoppable.

Something about two of the main Discworld series being focused on these intensely determined, stubbornly moral people just really means a lot to me. You’ve got Moist using his criminal mind to help people, and the wizards doing whatever wizards do, and Death showing kindness to people in their most vulnerable moments. And you’ve got these two, making the world a better place whether it likes it or not. It will get better, or else, they say. Or else you’ll have me to deal with.

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What else to do in philosophy if not to draw? Am I right?

Rncwnd the wzzrd

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The Last Hero is a difficult book to quote, since I do not have a copy/past-able version, but it's worth the work! This is long, but I just had to share it all. :-)

If there are any typos, feel free to tell me!

--

Lord Vetinari found it best to set up a committee system. More of the ambassadors from other countries had arrived at the university, and more heads of the Guilds were pouring in, and every single one of them wanted to be involved in the decision-making process, without necessarily going through the intelligence-using process first.

About seven committees, he considered, should be about right. And when, ten minutes later, the first sub-committee had miraculously budded off, he took aside a few chosen people into a small room, set-up the Miscellaneous Committee, and locked the door.

"The flying ship will need a crew. I'm told," he said. "It can carry three people. Leonard will have to go because, to be frank, he will be working on it even as it departs. And the other two?" 

"There should be an assassin," said Lord Downey of the Assassins’ Guild.

"No. If Cohen and his friends were easy to assassinate, they would have been dead long ago," said Lord Vetinari.

"Perhaps a woman's touch?" said Mrs Palm, head of the Guild of Seamstresses. "I know they are elderly gentlemen, but my members are–"

"I think the problem there, Mrs Palm, is that although the Horde are apparently very appreciative of the company of women, they don't listen to anything they say. Yes, Captain Carrot?"

Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson of the City Watch was standing to attention, radiating keenness and a hint of soap. "I volunteer to go, sir," he said.

"Yes, I thought you probably would."

"Is this a matter for the Watch?" said the lawyer Mr Slant. "Mr Cohen is simply returning property to its original owner."

"That is an insight which had not hitherto occurred to me," said Lord Vetinari smoothly.

"However, the City Watch would not be the men I think they are if they couldn't think of a reason to arrest anyone. Commander Vimes?"

"Conspiracy to make an affray should do it," said the head of the Watch, lighting a cigar.

"And Captain Carrot is a persuasive young man," said Lord Vetinari.

"With a big sword," grumbled Mr Slant.

Persuasion comes in many forms," said Lord Vetinari. "No. I agree with Archchancellor Ridcully, sending Captain Carrot would be an excellent idea. "What? Did I say something?" said Ridcully.

"Do you think that sending Captain Carrot would be an excellent idea?"

"What? Oh. Yes. Good lad. Keen. Got a sword. "Then I agree with you," said Lord Vetinari, who knew how to work a committee. "We must make haste, gentlemen. The flotilla needs to leave tomorrow. We need a third member of the crew–"

There was a knock at the door. Vetinari signalled to a college porter to open it.

The wizard known as Rincewind lurched into the room, white-faced, and stopped in front of the table.

"I do not wish to volunteer for this mission," he said.

"I beg your pardon?" said Lord Vetinari.

"I do not wish to volunteer, sir."

"No one was asking you to."

Rincewind wagged a weary finger. "Oh, but they will, sir, they will. Someone will say: hey, that Rincewind fella, he's the adventurous sort, he knows the Horde. Cohen seems to like him, he knows all there is to know about cruel and unusual geography, he'd be just the job for something like this." He sighed. "And then I'll run away, and probably hide in a crate somewhere that'll be loaded on to the flying machine in any case."

"Will you?"

"Probably, sir. Or there'll be a whole string of accidents that end up causing the same thing. Trust me, sir. I know how my life works. So I thought I'd better cut through the whole tedious business and come along and tell you I don't wish to volunteer."

"I think you've left out a logical step somewhere," said the Patrician.

"No, sir. It's very simple. I'm volunteering. I just don't wish to. But, after all, when did that ever have anything to do with anything?"

"He's got a point, you know, said Ridcully. "He seems to come back from all sorts of–"

"You see?" Rincewind gave Lord Vetinari a jaded smile. "I've been living my life for a long time. I know how it works."

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Fanart time. Here's my favorite bit from Terry Pratchett's Monstrous Regiment.

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some discworld designs

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Moist ‘So Sharp You’ll Cut Yourself’ von Lipwig

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sam vimes is actually the character ever. when we meet him he's absolutely fucking WASTED in a gutter bc he's grieving a subordinate and a friend. he gets his shit together bc he's an adrenaline junkie. he told the patriarch of ankh morpork to shut up TWICE in like, five minutes (and vetinari let him). he annoyes rich people constantly and consistently. he has arrested two armies (INCLUDING his own city's). he survived being chased by werewolves. he's "vetinari's terrier". he recognizes ankh morpork streets by the feel of different COBBLES under his too thin boots. he's sober but keeps a half empty bottle in his drawer to keep himself in check. assassins have tried and FAILED to assassinate him countless times. he can make armor look rumpled. he HATES kings and gods and journalists and kings and stupid rich ppl. when he's angry he punches the wall outside of vetinari's office and vetinari LETS HIM. he's malewife. he's so so great.

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Plenty of other people, myself included, have noted the similarities between Angua and Vimes, not to mention Sir Terry clearly liked writing both characters.

So, Terry Pratchett- especially towards the end of his life- was pretty open about how much he began to feel connected to the way he wrote Sam Vimes. He was a VERY angry man.

And he chose to write Angua as very angry too. Prickly, sarcastic, very clever, scared of her own monstrousness and, crucially, has "a soft spot for the under dog".

From what I can tell, the characters he liked writing the best (and arguably had the author's voice) were either deeply righteously angry, plagued by a feeling of always performing something in order to stop others finding out they're a huge fraud or a bit of a snarky coward.

And, I mean, I can relate honestly.

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Been rereading the Discworld City Watch series coz those books are like crack laced with serotonin and I think Carrot is simultaneously one of the best and most terrifying characters in Discworld.

Best because yes he's the goodest boi and he's got a werewolf gf and he's unfailingly honest and decent to pretty much everyone and is so earnest and sweet people just can't disappointment him. Except...

One thing that sticks in my head is that last scene in Men at Arms

SPOILERS for most of the City Watch books:

When, right at the end Cruces is telling Carrot he's a long lost king and has the documentation to prove. Carrot walks over to it, takes a read and while Cruces is doing his villain monologue, stabs him through the chest. It's quick and clean and Carrot doesn't even bat an eye that he just took a man's life on purpose.

I say on purpose because my boi literally committed manslaughter in the previous book when he threw the Law and Ordinances at Wonse. He didn't seem to miffed then either, aside from the fact he just misunderstood an order from a superior.

Granted it's a funny joke and Wonse was a bastard but Carrot doesn't seem to react to it.

Like, throughout the books Vimes constantly struggles with the urge to just go ham and remove all the people causing the problems. He's constantly faced with the cynicism and cruelty and just the sheer stupidity of the world and always tries to do the moral thing, to do it by the book because as he says, "if you can do it for a good reason, you can do it for a bad reason." He's in the grey between black and white.

Carrot on the other hand doesn't really seem to mind. We never really see what Carrot is thinking (probably because he's so honest he just flat out says it) so it's hard to parcel how he feels about things.

My headcanon is he killed Wonse by accident, never thought about it again and then killed Cruces when he realized Cruces was a greater threat than he realized plus was about to kill Vimes. You could say the same about him skewering a werewolf later on in Fifth Element, but that was a survival situation I feel. Granted he never really kills again but I like to think if Carrot was face to face with Carcer or Stratford it would've been a very short conversation.

I think that's another reason why Vimes keeps a close eye on Carrot. Imagine doing your best to live life by a strict set of moral principles only to have your charismatic, well beloved second-in-command simply kill a man in front of you then tell you without blinking you had a wedding to go to.

Carrot even says "Personal doesn't mean important" which kind of tells me that no matter what his feelings on the subject, he's going to try to do the right thing.

And he killed Cruces for, I feel, a good reason.

He's a good man who'll kill you without a word and Vimes is a good man who'll kill you when there's no other acceptable option.

Vimes is the grey and Carrot is the white that gets dirty.

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Quick—no nuance, no follow-up questions. In a battle of wits/standoff in which both want something and no compromise is possible, who wins?

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i know that vimes and weatherwax is like the #1 missed opportunity of discworld mains who never got to interact but tbh i think it would be boring. i think they would genuinely have nothing to say to each other. i think that granny thinks no policeman has any business speaking to her anyway and vimes would take one look at the sheer black and whiteness of her and go ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

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Vimes on the Limes.

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“Be generous, Sir Samuel. TRULY treat all men equally. Allow Klatchians the right to be scheming bastards, hmm?”

^one of my favourite quotes in general, and never out of date

(from Discworld: Jingo, by Terry Pratchett)

prejudice can go both ways, neither of which does any good

many people'd do good keeping it in mind

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good news loyal followers: i am back on the Disc. just finished Raising Steam, enjoyed it a lot, easily the Discworld book most likely to fuck a car. i really liked the graphic descriptions of how a train can kill people i thought htat was really cool

Next i must decide if i'm going to the wizards or to death

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don’t think i ever showed off the vimes bookmark i made for myself

made out of an old postcard and some watercolours at work