visualdiaryofaposd

[visualdiaryofaposd]

A month of rebirth

I have gone through a series of becoming myself throughout the last three, almost four months and yet have still felt like i am furthest from the girl that i am. It’s a really weird feeling to explain. A really weird process to have to go through. But I still have to go through it. 

For the first 2 months of my “independence”, i was just running from everything i had to process, like really go through, by wanting to grab the last summer, and the first that i hadn’t had a boyfriend, by the balls. It ended up hurting me even more, the realization that the fun I thought I needed, wasn’t enough to fill the thing I longed for. Now, well not now, but two weeks ago I felt as though I haven’t gotten through my last relationship. Hell I haven’t gotten through the second last. 

Like my co-dependent, male attention and affection-seeking self, instead of going from one serious relationship to another, like I had been doing for the last 4 years, I went from one fling to another, convincing myself that it’s not the same thing bc I’m saying I don’t want a relationship. 

These couple of months I’ve come to terms that I am in fact more that “relationship material”, and that every man I touch wants to exclusively be with me, which is a big ego boost, but that ego boost only smooths out the cracks from the surface. The cracks and holes and canyons from underneath made me want to live my life as fast and as recklessly as I could. Everything was just a story and a fun anecdote, when in fact people ended up hurt and I was left feeling empty. 

This month, or until the end of the year, or for as long as it takes I will work on finding what really fills me up. I will be working on being happy and wholesome with myself. I will work on my self discipline regarding my uni work and what I do/say. And because today is the start of my full potential month, I want to start this as well. Everyday, I have to write for at least 10 minutes, and for as much as I need. I will also be buying crystals, so that should be fun. 

Stay blissfull,

Tati

[visualdiaryofaposd]

The Full Potential Challenge

Ever wonder what your life would be like if you lived up to your full potential? Would your body be healthier? Your skin clearer? Bank account bigger? I think about these things all the time, and, judging by a previous post, you guys do too. Let’s try it out! Obviously we aren’t going to come close to perfect with this – we’re all humans with good days and bad days and in-between days. But let’s try together to see what would happen if we pushed ourselves. I don’t ever want anyone to feel pressured to stick to this every day (I sure as hell won’t), but it’s worth a shot, right? Let’s get to it!

EVERY MORNING

Stretch. First thing. Really give your body enough time to wake up. Touch your toes. Roll out your shoulders. Do not hit snooze!

Do your full skincare routine. I have mine detailed here, but do whatever works for you and your complexion. Be gentle and consistent. 

Brush your teeth and floss. I used to be a big floss-skipper too, but you’d be amazed at how dig of a difference it makes. Rinse with a whitening mouthwash. I use one by Crest, and I notice a major difference in my teeth’s overall whiteness in just a few days.

Give yourself enough time to get ready. Whether you’re a wash-and-go kind of girl, or someone who spends an hour doing a full contouring routine before class (and either one is fine!), make sure you aren’t rushing. If you need to wake up a few minutes earlier than normal, so be it. Rushing sets an awful, stressed-out tone for the rest of the day. Allow yourself to be relaxed before taking on the day.

Eat something. I’m not going to say eat a big breakfast, because some people (myself included) just can’t eat in the morning. But you should eat, or at least bring a little something with you to work or school. If you can’t eat a full breakfast, grab a fruit! You won’t be as hungry come lunch time, making you less likely to gorge yourself.

Shower. You can do this at night, in the morning, whatever. Again, this is something you should allow some time for. I don’t wash my hair every day, but I do condition it every day (from the ears down). Scrub yourself with a delicious-smelling body wash. If you shave, make yourself as smooth as a dolphin, dude. If you don’t, then don’t and don’t ever ever ever let anyone make you feel bad or weird about it. When you get out of the shower, wrap yourself in a fluffy towel and totally slather your sexy self with lotion. Top to bottom. Do it as soon as you can post-shower so it can really sink in. 

Put leave-in condition throughout your damp hair and comb it through.

Put on an outfit that makes you feel good! So important!

Drink water. Drink water. Drink water. Drink water!!!!!

Take a look at your daily to-do list. Knock out the most pressing stuff first. Take pride when you cross things off your list.

Make your bed! Oh my god, make your bed. Do it. Do it. Do it. 

EVERY AFTERNOON 

Follow the “touch it once” approach. This is a truly life-changing thing. When a task is in front of you, no matter how big or small, just do it right then and there. How many times have you gotten a work email or homework assignment and thought, “Eh, I’ll do it later”? And then later never comes? Once something pops up, do it once. Squash it and be done. Cross things off your list and feel like a badass.

Try to go for a walk at lunch. Even one little lap around the block or campus will reenergize you like nobody’s business. 

Drink water. Drink water. Drink water. Drink water!!!!!

Be present. This is so hard for me too, but you have to make a major effort to be present in whatever you’re doing. Be engaged and plugged-in and just exist in the moment. Give 100 percent.

Be friendly to friends and strangers. A smile goes a long way.

Eat something. Eat what you packed for lunch (see below) and take a break from working while you do it. You need “you time”!

EVERY EVENING

Take your makeup off as soon as you’re in for the night. Wash your face with your full routine and let your skin have a break. 

Workout. You can also do this in the morning. Whatever works for you. Make a great playlist and go hard af. Get your cardio in. Get your strength training in. Earn every freaking sweat bead forming on your forehead. Earn your shower!

Knock out your homework. Life is infinitely better you don’t have anything hanging over your head. Half the time, the energy and emotion you spent dreading/putting off your work is ten times worse than the work itself.

Make a list of what needs to be done tomorrow. It’ll set you up for success the next day, and you won’t forget anything!

Drink water. Drink water. Drink water. Drink water!!!!!

Lay out your clothes for tomorrow. This will save you SO MUCH TIME in the morning omg I can’t even tell you how important this is.

Eat something great. And once you’ve decided to be done eating for the night, be done. Brush your teeth so you can’t eat again.

After brushing, do a whitening treatment. Whether it’s classic baking soda, a Crest white strip, or a laser. Do something. And floss! Retainers in too, ladies 0:)

Relax! Take a few hours to do what YOU want to do. Scroll through Tumblr, binge on some Netflix, FaceTime gossip with your friends, anything. Do whatever makes you happiest. 

Shut the electronics off an hour before you want to go to bed. Put your phone on sleep mode. If you stare at the screen, it will keep you awake and alert and you won’t be able to fall asleep. A good night’s sleep is crucial for weightless and general happiness lol

Do a quick sweep of your room and see if there’s anything you can put away real quick. A clean space is a happy space.

Crawl into your bed (aren’t you happy you took the time to make it?!) and read a book by lamplight for a while. When you start to feel sleepy, go to sleep. Don’t push it. You kicked ass today and you deserve rest. 

EVERY WEEKEND

Do something with your friends. It just has to be one thing. Even if you’re just hanging out at the coffee shop, spending time with your squad will make you a better, happier person.

Drink water. Drink water. Drink water. Drink water!!!!!

Do something just for you. Set your laptop up in the bathroom and watch a Netflix marathon while you take a bubble bath. Buy an old school bottle of Mr. Bubbles ($3 at Target!) and really just soak. Relax. Light a candle.

Do something creative. You can read a book, write, blog, draw, code, anything. It just has to be something that speaks to your passion.

Track your progress. Just do this once a week so it doesn’t become all-consuming. And remember that non-scale victories are just as important as shedding pounds.

Take the time to be grateful. Tell your friend how much you admire her taste in music. Mention to your mom how much you love her cooking and how happy you are that she takes care of you. Thank your teacher after an especially interesting lecture. When you do something awesome, take a moment to admire YOURSELF. Be grateful for even the little things.

Anything I missed? Reblog + add yours! Don’t forget to tag your progress!

[visualdiaryofaposd]

I looked at you and saw a family.

[visualdiaryofaposd]

Sakam da bide poart pa zatoj kje bide na angliski. Ama chisto radi gomna shto znam deka kje bidev izedeni sakam da stoi ovj disclaimer.

The way you hold me, like I'm your getaway from this mess of a world. Your look into my eyes, that softens the moment i smile, however stern it may have been moments before. Laughter at 1 am walking down a street without a single car, a single soul in sight. How sad I am this has an end date. How fucking pissed I am knowing when it's going to be that I'm not going to have you holding my face while I laugh at your shitty comments. Perhaps if it didn't have an end date I wouldn't have been this candid with it. How much I didn't want to get myself in this position again. But I promised myself that I would be smart this time. And I will. As I've told you many maany times, I won't let the circumstances destroy us, whatever we call it. Or not call it at all. Even if it means stopping time, and letting it flow again the moment you're beside me. I've learnt that I don't need anything, not a label, and that even if there is a label, it's not a guarantee for anything. You have shown me that anything is possible, and an ounce less than that is purely made of excuses. Oh how I adore you. I adore the side of you that you are when you're alone with me. The one that even when we're with others, the moment we lock eyes, comes out. I hope the time goes by more slowly. Gosh, I really do.

[visualdiaryofaposd]

I've resigned myself to the fact that I will never get past you in the way I got over you: quickly, messily, desperately, like I would die if I didn't.

[visualdiaryofaposd]

Zabravi sve shto sam kazhala ovj vecher i kje zborimo jutre drug dn.

Samo da ti kazhu deka josh uvek ne planiram da raskinuju, i da birash polsan put od ovoj. Neka projde mesec dojdi kje zborimo. Ustvari znaesh shto. Da kriv si. Ja sam pravila gluposti da, sve u fucking nadu da te zadrzhu blisko. Evidentno toj te samo oddalechilo. Izvini za toj. Shto najvishe boli shto ja i pokraj sve pa bi birala borenje da bidu ss tebe, osven edn put pa i tg ne mozheshe da se dovedu do toj da te pushtu i se predomisli, a ti ne. Duri i kd me pushti da ti raskinu mi kazha rezervirana si do kraj na zhivot i ja ga toj vide kako nekoj vid borenje. U toj si krajno za krivenje. Da me sakash ne bi ni pomislija na nachin na koj mozhesh da me izgubish. Ja ss meseci zboru za toj kako vodimo razlichni zhivoti. Ti se pravish budala. I najde nachin, snimam videa u koi se osekjam kako da ti gi kazhuju svi tija rabote. I tamn misleshe da te iznenadu kako reshenje na edn problem. I ti mi raskinuesh. Ne ni pokushavash da najdesh reshenje. Ja se boru za tija reshenja otkako si se vratija ovoj leto doma ti samo begash i sg odluchuesh deka vishe nema reshenje. Samo takoj. Ne si edn put sednaja da mi kazhesh ej toj toj toj toj ne e okej daj da popravimo. Edn. Put. Zashto ovj vecher? Zashto sg? Ja ss meseci ne mozhu na edno neshto da se koncentriram ako neshto ne e u redu ss nas. I konstantno pokushavam da gu mrdam vrsku da ide u nekoju nasoku. Dzhabe. Sve e dzhabe. Ja ako te preboluju vishe tolko. Kje te chekam mesec. Toj ne e problem. Vishe ne mi e problem da vodimo razlichni zhivoti i samo da si gi raskazhuemo. Ni toj vishe ne e nishto poshto najde nachin kako da dojdu do zbor, ako uopshte gi gledash tija videa. Za sve ima reshenje. Ako sakash da ga najdesh. Reshenje trazhi ga u sebe. Rabota e samo da sakash da ga potrazhish. Ne mi e krivo shto mislish deka smo u loshu poziciju, toj e fakt. Krivo mi e shto se otkazhuesh i shto me mene napadash shto ne se otkazhuju. Kako da se otkazhu? Kd kolko puta sam ishla protiv sebe za da bidu ss tebe. Kolko puta sam ishla protiv tebe. Protiv drugi ljudi. Planine smo pomerale radi toj shto smo sakale da bidemo zaedno. Ochekuvanja, granice. Za ti tolko lsno da se otkazhesh. Ja na kraj kraeva nemam izbor. Ti ako nekjesh da bidesh vishe ss mene nema da si ss mene. Ustvari ne e vishe ni ako. Samo mi e krivo. Mnogo mi e krivo.

[visualdiaryofaposd]

I've been longing for that safe space. And for a while it was in your arms. Until i couldn't have your arms no more. We promised each other that we wouldn't let that get in the way, that we would get through it. Stronger, better, and most importantly-together. It was more than a verbal promise. You made sure that i could see it and feel it whenever it felt hard. At times all i needed was reassurance, that it still was the way it had been. Then it came crashing down. Piece by piece. Crumbling in my own two hands. My trying to hold on to those pieces, as if my own life depended on it, resulted in your fairytales, excuses and manipulation. Saying what you thought I wanted to hear, then doing whatever you wanted to. That it was all in my head, that it was all because of me. Until i couldn't even recognize the person holding my heart. Playing it like a yoyo. Chance after chance, one try after another, all it took was a month. I even lost weight because of the way you made me feel, so worthless, unappreciated, inferior to you. As if I was just there for you and your needs and as if I and mine not even in the picture. The highs were high, but oh, boy, the lows. At the end i began trusting your actions, not your words. As cliché as this sounds, i thank you for the lessons, the hugs, the pictures, the songs. I still want to paint you as if you had no fault in this. As if it was just a matter of circumstances and bad timing and well, a matter of time. But the reality is, we could've done better. We deserved to do better. I deserve better.

[visualdiaryofaposd]

I wanted to start journaling for a while now. Just to vent out my thoughts and feelings and all that jizz inside of me. I spent a couple of days searching for dotted notebooks to order. Until, being the late milennial that I am, I realized I already had that thing in my hands. It doesn't cost a single penny and I don't have to carry it around. Perfect. Maybe it won't stick and I'll just give this thing up sooner than later, but at least I'm excited for now. I planned on doing just text, but as I already had the account containing visualdiary in its name, i just figured I'd include photos and videos. Maybe it's for the better. It'll make me document my memories. It is public though. I still don't know how I feel about that. We'll see. Let's see how long this lasts. I hope it sticks. 🤞🏻

[visualdiaryofaposd]

By my side, through thick and thin, through friendships and break-ups, fights and closures. I could not know to whom I would need to be endlessly thankful to for bringing you in my life, but I'm grateful that you are you and I am me, for that is what keeps us together. Pounds of respect, and even more of love I have for you, make me that much excited for seeing how the future is shaping you in the amazing woman I've always seen you as.

[visualdiaryofaposd]

I thank the universe every day for you.