warriorprincesslife-blog

[warriorprincesslife-blog]

Well... I've been thinking whilst taking a shower, then ended up sitting on the floor of the bath crying. Turns out the whole crisp incident isn't what I'm so stressed about! That's just the straw that broke the camels back.

Today I had to get my car fixed. Turns out it needed new brake pads. So that was £65 I had to pay out. Also had to go for a Ct scan for my ankle. Everyone who's seen the x-rays, has said it was a bad break and has caused chronic arthritis. I was basically told that my career as a care support worker won't last much longer. They've basically suggested that I'll only be able to last a maximum of 5yrs in care work, before I'll need to change jobs, otherwise I may not have much of an ankle left at the end of it.

It basically broke my heart! It's taken me 30yrs to find a job, that I like and I'm good at, only to be told, that the job could be my destruction. Its gutting! I don't know where else I can go in my career, and I just feel lost! Whatever the surgeon says after he's seen my Ct scan, it's not likely to be good news. Due to severity of damage I did to it, it's not going to be stable enough for a replacement. A fusion wouldn't help my situation, as it'd stop me from pole dancing and walking properly. So basically I'm buggered! Xxx

[warriorprincesslife-blog]

Some days I feel like I've grown so much, from the person I used to be! I've left behind the toxic people, I've gotten married, I've bought a house and a car. Things don't seem to break me as easily as they used to, but then I have a moment, and I feel broken all over again!

Today, it was something so stupid and I feel a prat for becoming anxious over it! I had a conversation with a colleague a few days ago about a limited edition kind of crisps. She'd been unable to get hold of anymore. I ended up going shopping today and saw them. So I picked her a couple of bags up, let her know that I'd picked her some up, and her reply has me feeling anxious. I don't know if it's the way I worded the text, but her reply seemed strange, almost like I've made her feel weird at getting them for her. I didn't go to the shop with the intention of getting them, I just happened to come across them, so thought I'd help. It's not like I'm giving them away, she'd pay me for them, but yet, here I am, feeling like I've made things awkward.

I'm noticing that I try to help people, but people seem to find this strange, like I shouldn't do it. I know that not everyone is like me, but I like to help. Life's not always easy, and things aren't always easy, but I like to think that if I can make someone's day easier, it's a good thing.

So, now I'm sat here, waiting for a reply, and feeling like an arse.

Is this just me? Or a BPD thing? I'm sick of feeling anxious and awkward round people, because I just don't feel like I fit in. Xxx

[warriorprincesslife-blog]

Years later, and I’m still here!

I’ve not written on here for years, as life got crazy and so busy! 

So, I’ve managed to hold down employment for over four years; longer than I ever have before. Don’t get me wrong, things haven’t always been good. Things have been hard and difficult to get through, but I know that keeping my determination and remembering all the good I have, has helped.

I still have times of intense, overwhelming emotion, that makes it difficult for me to keep a level head. Today has been one of those days! You see, my biggest triggers is meeting new people! Worse so, when I have to meet 4 new people, and I don’t have anyone there, who I do know! So, how do I react? By babbling on like an idiot, and occasionally getting too close to that line of inappropriate! Discussing a tattoo that’s not exactly appropriate in front of a client, to make them laugh! Well they found it funny, not exactly sure my colleagues did! I carried on doing my job, but I still couldn’t stop rambling! 

So, I left that call and I’ve been constantly playing it over in my head! Wasn’t it wrong? Have I offended people? Why do I keep getting so nervous, that I do silly things, that cause me to get stuck in this BPD head of mine? I’ve done so well and come so far in these past few years, that I’ve been able to manage small insignificancies, but some times, it’s like my ability to fend off the crazy, just isn’t possible! 

I think that due to this past month being quite stressful and overwhelming, that is probably why I’ve struggled more recently. I’ve found out a so-called friend, was actually a two-faced lying bitch. I left a job that near enough broke me. I had to start working for a new company, where I had to learn how to support 20 new clients. Have to meet and work with plenty of new people, who I don’t know. Had to worry about starting at a company, who is currently transitioning from self-employed to employed status, so the financial arrangement is in the air. 

I just need to remember that I can do this! I am better than a small comment! I am a good person, who is good at her job, when I’m not over-anxious or nervous! I am not my disorder! I am strong! I am capable! I am loved! So, I’m off to try and turn this day around! This blog is helping me start! xxx

[warriorprincesslife-blog]

I’m still fighting!

Hi everyone

I’ve been learning a hell of a lot about the way my body doesn’t like to work some days! This past week I fell back into some kind of depression. I felt like I had fallen back into the old BPD version of myself. Every little thing I was overanalysing again. I was taking things the wrong way and getting so down on myself. It was like I couldn’t drag myself back up. Over the past few months, when things have gotten tough, I reminded myself of how far I’ve come and I’d be fine. But this time, I couldn’t. I felt so stuck in a rut. Turned out, the new pill I’m on isn't stabilising my hormones. As the day after I restarted my pill, I felt like me again. No more depressive thoughts or overthinking. I felt great again! It absolutely terrified me though as I was scared that maybe I wasn’t handling life as well as I’d previously thought. I didn’t want to go back to being the old version of myself. The one who always felt like crap, a failure and no good. I want to be this version of me. So I’ve booked an appointment to see the dr on my day off, as I don’t want to go through that again. Especially as I’ll be at work when it kicks off. I can't do it.

However, by the Saturday, when the normal me came back, Nick and I were due to go to a Halloween ball in the evening. I’d been working till half 4 and got home for about 6. We had to rush to get ready as some mates from work asked if we wanted to meet up for a few drinks before. So we went out for a few drinks with them and had a good laugh. Nick and I were the only ones dressed up. It was a right laugh. Nick was grim reaper and I was dressed as Harley Quinn. My mates were giggling. Afterwards we went to the ball and had a good time. The entertainment was amazing. Just a shame it wasn’t that busy. And that was even at midnight! But it was great as I got to have a good night out with my amazing fella. He always keeps me happy, and makes me smile when I’m sad and even drags me out of my crap times by supporting me and getting me to talk. I’ve never had anyone like him before, so I’m so happy as I know that even though times will never always be perfect, I’ve got the best person by my side to help me get through them! Life’s not perfect, but it can still be pretty amazing! xxx

[warriorprincesslife-blog]

What a crazy week!

Hi everyone

It’s been one hell of a crazy week this week! There’s been a lot more hours available this past couple of weeks at work, so I’ve been doing additional hours to help out. Plus it means more money for crimbo lol.

I did 39.5 hours last week and no day off. Hey it’s what you need to do when times are busy. I loved every minute of it. The people I work with are great and make me laugh so much.  My next day off is this weekend. I’ll have worked 12 days straight. Never done that before. So hopefully get some extra cash in to get things all sorted and even some in the savings in case of emergencies.

One of our staff is off ill at the minute, so there’s likely to be some more extra hours over next couple of weeks. I’ve offered to help if needed. Nick made a cheeky joke and to every body else it wouldn’t have meant anything. It would have just been a joke. But that comment triggered me! It messed my head up as it took me straight back to those past times when others had said it to me. I felt exactly how I used to feel back then. It pissed me off that something so innocent took me straight back to feeling that useless and worthless like those people made me feel. Nick gave me a hug and helped me calm down as it felt horrible. I’ve come so far from that person who used to feel that way.

I’m happier! I’m more stable! I’m not anxious or angry all the time! I’m making something of myself! I’m holding down a great job! I’ve got amazing people in my life who get me and love me and understand and support me!

So I’m not going to let one stupid comment, drag me back down to where I was kept for so long! Yes it hurt, but I didn’t stay in that feeling for days or weeks! I got out of it within a couple of hours, with the right support and love. To me, that is the best thing I’ve managed to achieve this year! I know it’s going to take a hell of a long time to be able to not get triggered ever again, but the fact that this is the first time I’ve been triggered in months and when I did, I faced it and dealt with it.

I feel like I’ve achieved so much this year, but this is one of my favourites! I’ve still got 2 and a half months to prove to myself that this isn’t the end of improving! I’m going to keep proving to myself, just what it is I can do! I’ve got the right people in my life, who will help and support me through anything I face! xxx

[warriorprincesslife-blog]

I’m finally getting settled!

Hi everyone who might be reading!

I’ve finally been working out what I really want from my life!

Sod going back to college and trying to get through uni. It sounds hellish! Yes I know I’ve got the brains, but what if the job I end up in, doesn't turn out to be the dream job I’d always hoped it would be. I love the job I’m in at the moment and my boss is giving me the chance to work my way up through the company. He’s helping me to earn qualifications through the company and even promising to make me a senior member of staff, if I pass the course. I can't wait. It also means no loans, I can pay my debts off as I work and learn more through experience. Paid experience!

Plus I’ve sorted out all arrangements for Christmas with me, Nick and the kids. It’s going to be great. And for Halloween, Jack will be at his dads for the week of school holidays. So me and Nick are going to a Halloween Ball! We’re dressing up! Going to go dancing! Enjoy the show and entertainment! I can't wait! I’ve never done anything like this before so I’m all excited!

I’m learning to do things I’d like to do and try! No more living up to other people’s standards! I’m trying things I’ve wanted to do! And I’m loving it!

So I’ve got so much to look forward to! And my plans for next year are to get financially sorted! Get wills sorted, pensions organised, debts sorted and insurance covered! Next year is my year to become an actual adult lol. Plus I’m hoping to get my NVQ qualification done! I’m going to live the life I want! No more living by other people’s standards! No more listening to other people’s opinions! And enjoying every second I spend on this planet! Whether it’s at work or with my beautiful family! I’m loving it! xxx

[warriorprincesslife-blog]

Is this really my life?

Hi everyone

Today I realised that we are in October! OMG! Where the hell has this year gone? I’ve been in my job a month and a half now. I’m loving my job and the amazing people I get to work with everyday. I feel secure in my job as I’m regularly being reminded of how well I am doing. I’m starting to accept compliments and realise that I’m actually doing well at something.

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been working just over 30 hours a week. More than I’ve done in years. It’s tiring, but it’s getting me ready for returning to college and coping with all the hours, essays, tests and maybe even a couple of days at work.

I found out recently that I’ll be needing surgery for my ankle, but the recovery would be 6 wks. However due to the nature of my job, the surgeon says I’d need 3 months off. So I explained that I can’t get time off for the surgery, until the 6 wk school holidays next year. He’s said that if I get my GP to contact him around April time, he’ll get me put on the waiting list to get the surgery done at the end of July. Gives me the 6 wks I need before hopefully starting college. I’ve just not worked out whether I’ll be wanting to carry on working while at college. It’s just that it’s going to be a big thing being at college. Plus all the essays and revising, I don’t know yet if I’ll be able to manage that and a part time job. So I’m hoping if I work really hard now and take whatever hours I can get, it’ll show me just how much I can handle. I need to do what’s best for me and my family. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I want to do it! I want to show myself just what I can do! It means a lot to me!

So I guess it’s nice knowing that this job won’t be forever. It’s sad too, as the clients I work with are lovely and I get on great with them. But I can’t put my life on hold for a job. I know I’ve got the potential to do so much more and I’m learning that, so I’m going to give it my all.

Also today, Nick and I finished off the hallway. It’s painted, curtains are up and so are the pictures and coat rack! It feels like home and I love it! We’ve been able to give the neighbours their ladders back and once the paint’s dry, I can hang the coats up, so they’re tidy and away too! I even cried earlier as I couldn't believe the difference in our home and my life! This time last year, I’d just been reassessed as having BPD and since then, my whole world has been turned upside down and looks so beautiful! I could never imagine how great it would feel for things to actually feel right! And for once, our house feels like a real home!

It gets a bit overwhelming at times as I’d never believed this life could ever be one I would have! And now it’s here, I’m so happy that I often cry! Sad I know, but after years of believing that nothing great would ever come of my life because I was mentally ill and fucked up to put it nicely. People constantly dragging and kicking you down that you believe that it’s normal and that you deserve it. So despite our house looking amazing, I believe the biggest difference is in me! I’m actually happy and feel free! I won’t take that sort of shit anymore. If people don't like me, well that’s not my problem and I’ll go and hang out with those that do. I’ve realised that how others feel towards me, isn't always a reflection of me. Sometimes people get pissed at you, when you’ve done nothing wrong. Often it’s because you’ve done something great and they’re envious, but you can’t change that. Just continue to be you. Sod what others think. The ones who accept you, will be there no matter what. And the ones who truly love you, will fight all the way for you, no matter how hard it gets. I learnt the hard way that those who claimed to love me, never really did. So fight for you! xxx

[warriorprincesslife-blog]

Ain’t no stopping me now!

hi everyone

I hope you’re all alright! Things seem to be sorting themselves out!

I saw the nurse about my hydrocephalus shunt and it’s turned out that I've been eating something that has one of my intolerant foods in without knowing. in doing so this has dehydrated me and messed up the pressures around my brain. so, as ive worked out what is causing the problem, ive had to become extra vigilant about what I'm eating! this can be very boring and very annoying, but at least it means ill be ok!!! while I was there, I had my annual checkup and everything is great with my shunt, so I'm ok for another year! awesome!

this past week, I also did an extra shift at work to help cover someone. so all in all I did 31 hours this week, which is the most ive done in one week since 2009. I felt fantastic! I was really proud of myself! it was tiring and sometimes difficult but I did it and did a good job!

I also went to see my ankle dr today. I had my ct scan last month and today I got the results. turned out that there is quite a lot of wear and tear as well as built up scar tissue. he believes that I would benefit from surgery to help with the pain. he doesn't think I have much of an issue with my tendon as it hasn't tightened up significantly, which could also be a cause of stiffness. he says that it would take around 6 wks to recover from, but due to my line of work, he believes id require 3 mths off work. so he asked me what id like to do as he could do it soon or he could try and fit around me. I stated that due to my work and commitments, that it would be better for me and my family, if I had the surgery next july at the start of the six weeks holidays as it would give me plenty of time to recover before starting at college. the only downside is that it would mean that I would have to leave my job at the same time as it wouldn't be fair to be off sick for that long. but I guess it all depends on what my boss says when I tell him. if he can cope with me only working 2 days a wk post op, then it could still be a possibility. either way, we’ll be ok and will sort something out. but at least theres a chance they can fix me and try to ease the pain.

ive also been doing gratitude notes about how I'm doing. I usually do notes about crap events too and notes of good memories. however yesterday, I wrote plenty of gratitude notes and no crap ones. I'm starting to feel proud of all the good things in my life as well as all the good things I'm proving to myself that I am learning I am capable of learning. you see, yesterday, I fitted a carpet in my downstairs toilet. I painted it. nick painted the ceiling for me coz I couldn't do it without passing out. he put me pictures up and I laid the carpet yesterday. bearing in mind, ive never laid a carpet before in my life, I actually did it and didn't do too bad a job! I asked nick what he thought and he said its great! and he said he couldn't do it! I said ill take that compliment! lol! felt really chuffed with myself for being able to do something that id never thought possible before!

not much of the year left, so theres still chance of making even more further improvements with myself! I want to be the best version of myself for me and my family! bring it on! xxx

[warriorprincesslife-blog]

I’m fighting with all my might!

Hi everyone

This past week has been knackering. I’ve been working and loving my job. I’ve got to meet new clients and been quite busy. Unfortunately, my hydrocephalus shunt has been causing me problems. It’s only been over the past couple of weeks, since I’ve started working. At first I thought that it was just my body getting used to working and the new pressure/stress placed on me physically. But it’s been getting more difficult and intense, so I phoned my nurse today and she’s got me an appointment for next week. She asked me about the symptoms and believes that my neurosurgeon will probably wanna do some tests next week to see why it’s being a bugger and playing up.

It’s been hard working with it, but I ain’t giving up. I’ve got an appointment to get it sorted and I’ve only got a day and half left this week, then I’m off for four days. So hopefully, it’ll give me time to relax and get fixed at the hospital. I’m facing this head on and not overthinking or panicking about it. I know that I’m doing all the right things and getting it sorted. I’ve got a great job, great people who love me, great future plans and my mental health is doing great too.

Sooooooo, I’m going to get through this! I’m going to be able to stay well enough to keep my great job! I’m going to be able to get into college, get into uni and qualify as a mental health nurse! I’m going to marry the man of my dreams! I’m living my happily ever after!

This year has been difficult, hard, overwhelming, life changing, painful, emotional and helped me become so bloody happy!!! Maybe the hard times really do change you for the better! If that’s the case, then I better be bloody awesome by the end of this year! Lol. I’m not giving up and I’m fighting for everything I want and finally realise I deserve! Bring it on! xxx

[warriorprincesslife-blog]

Will I ever be normal?

hi everyone

things have been going really well recently and ive been loving it.

I'm loving my job! I'm loving my amazing fella! I'm loving my new sense of freedom, confidence and self-esteem is getting higher. I'm feeling better about myself and believing more in my abilities and capabilities within my life. if anything I feel like I'm on a high!

but no matter how great things are going, I cant get this distinct and reoccurring feeling that its all going to go tits up as usual. all my life, I’ve learnt that when life starts going great, it means it can only go downhill from there. the endless rollercoaster of life.

what is bugging me, is why cant I just enjoy the here and now? the great days and moments that feel amazing? instead I just feel nervous and worried that its just all going to go wrong. in my past, I was always proven that no matter what I did, I was only going to get crap afterwards. I don't know if that's because what others believed I deserved or because they instilled in me all their negativity that I eventually caused my own downfall by becoming a self fulfilling prophecy? I know I keep getting emotionally overwhelmed by how great things keep getting. sometimes I find myself so happy that I just start to cry. its like I'm just so happy that I want to hold on to that moment so much that I work even harder to keep it. whether its by being very huggy and kissy with my fella or working extra hard to ensure everything stays on track. I'm just enjoying things so much at the moment, that I'm scared of losing it all, so I feel in order to keep it, I should be working hard to keep something so wonderful. but does it need so much hard work all the time? or am I just able to see the beauty and appreciate all the amazing things I have? when other people are too busy trying to get to the spectacular that they don't realise the beauty that already surrounds them.

so I'm debating. is this even really a curse? yeah maybe it does getting upsetting and worries me that one day it will all fall apart, but maybe that is better as it shows I care and see the amazing things I already have in life. some people are always searching for the next great thing and in doing so, they miss the great things they already have and stop appreciating them. so I think maybe ive got the upside of this. I know they say there is no pleasure without pain. so maybe my nervousness and worrying is my pain, but the pleasure side is that I have the ability to acknowledge and appreciate all the wonderful things I already have. I think id prefer that than lose everything by not giving it the love and care and hard work it deserves.

maybe I'm not as f***ed up as I thought I was.

xxx

[warriorprincesslife-blog]

Where has the time gone?

dear everyone

i cant believe its been two whole weeks since i last wrote here. its been crazy. so.... it’s been a very busy one! I started my new job last week. do you know what? I absolutely loved it. I work with people with different types of disabilities. my job is to help support them in their own homes and within their community. I worked 4 days last week and guess what? I didn't even feel like I was working. it reminded me of the old days when I did loads of volunteer work. it felt just like that and the weird part is....im going to get paid for it. I guess those older wise people were right! you find the job of your dreams and youll never work a day in your life.

ive had a few challenging moments but I remembered I'm not the old me anymore and instead of running away and feeling personally attacked. I put myself in their shoes and thought about how they must be feeling. maybe all the change happening in their lives is upsetting them and making them angry and taking it out on the wrong people. so when id taken time to think about things, I realised it wasn't me they were mad at, it was their situation; I went round earlier the next day to talk to them and find out more about how I could help. and do you know what? it worked! the clients parents realised I wasn't a bad person. they actually said they were impressed by me as other carers they worked with, saw their work as just a job. they were glad I was so enthusiastic and passionate. I believe when you care for people, you have to really care and want to make a difference. not just see it as a job. ever since then, we’ve really gotten on well.

before starting the job, I believed that I didn't have all the necessary skills for this job and was worried id mess up majorly. but after working with a few people and getting to know them, I found out things other carers and parents mentioned that they couldn't get them to do. so I asked if I could give it a try? they said yeah, why not. so I did. and do you know what? they actually did it with me. so many times other people have tried to get them to do it, but their approach didn't work. so I tried alternative methods and surprisingly it worked.

the best part for me was when a client and I started singing songs together. it was fun. when I mentioned it to their parents, they smiled and said they must be comfortable with you, for them to do that. I nearly cried. ive never felt that proud of myself and my abilities before. it really helped show me that I'm not the crap useless terrible person others described me as before. I have skills, I have a very strong caring skills and most of all, I am capable! I'm learning so much about myself! and everything I learn, is making me smile more as I know I have the potential to become so much more. I'm useful, intelligent, wise and have many years of experience, which will aid me in helping others!

So I know now that training to become a nurse is definitely the best direction for me! I'm going to do it! as I actually believe I can and will do it! I'm so excited! Ive never felt this good about myself! all it took was very small steps! one at a time, one after another! it doesn't take a giant leap, just the courage to do one small step and to keep going!

I can do this! and so can you! xxx

[warriorprincesslife-blog]

Finally getting somewhere?

Hi everyone

it’s been a strange week. but it’s been good too.

on Monday, I did a 5k walk as I wanted to do my august virtual race. I managed to get it done and sent off the evidence, so I should get my medal through soon.

on Tuesday, it was jacks birthday. he had a good day. he’d slept at his mate, toms last night. he came home and we gave him his pressies and card. afterwards he went to his nans, but I asked him to be back for 11am as tom was coming to see him before work. jack hadn't been home long before I got a text making out I must be on a power trip as id only allowed him to be there for just over an hour. it pissed me off at first and I used the punch bag to get out my anger. afterwards I replied. I stayed polite and matter of fact. I said I asked jack to be back for 11am as tom was coming to see him for a short while before going to work. jack knows he can go round to yours anytime hed like. ive asked him if hes going back to yours later and he said he might do. I left it at that and carried on with my day. I'm not letting them fuck me up. later on jacks mate came round. they had a good laugh playing on his new game and watchin stupid youtube videos. in the early evening, Annmarie and lezza popped round to help celebrate. I made healthy calzones as two of us cant have cheese. surprisingly, they loved em. was well happy. we chatted and laughed while listening to motown music on the tv. Annmarie was getting tired, so they left. was great seeing them. not long after, jacks mates mum popped in for a cuppa. by this point, jack had passed out upstairs and I was sat with his mate and his mum. we had a good chat. told her id still heard nothing about the job, so was worried theyd decided against employing me. she said try texting him. no harm in it. so I did while she was there. we had a good chat. glad to be making new friends. once I was getting in to bed, I got a response from the job id applied to. he was very impressed with my application and would like to invite me for an interview. between us we arranged to meet on Thursday. wow! so quick! plus I even got a text from them saying they were sorry for their automatic response to jack leaving early. not bad, roughly 2 apologies in a lifetime. plus after a lifetime of being told that they don't apologise as it means nothing to them as too many people apologised to them over the years only to fuck up again. so to have an apology from someone who doesn't believe in them, meant basically fuck all to me. plus if they think that their apology is going to have me coming back to them, they can think again. I slept well.

on Wednesday, I didnt do much during the day. in the evening I had to go for a ct scan on my ankle. I was getting ready to go to one hospital, only to be reminded by nick that it was the other one. good thing wed set off early lol. jack stayed at home with his mate. the scan was pretty quick. afterwards nick and I caught the bus and decided to walk through the park. once at the park, we realised the bus was going to be a while, so decided to walk home. we popped to the shop on the way and get a few things in.

on Thursday, nick popped to the shops in the morning to get some stuff in for his mum. I read my book for a while and then slowly took my time to get ready. I straightened my hair, put on a bit of makeup but not too much and got dressed just as nick got back in. when I was ready, he walked me to the bus stop. when I was just about to get on the bus, I started getting nervous. this was amazing for me! usually id have been nervous for days and would have hardly slept, but it literally didnt kick in until I was getting on the bus. on the bus journey, nick sent me supportive texts and snapchats. made me smile. I got off the bus a stop early and popped to the shop for a drink. I managed to get to the place 20 mins early, so I sat talking to one of the owners and we got on well. when the big boss turned up, we shook hands and started the interview. we talked quite a bit and seemed to get on quite well. at the end, they offered me the job! I start next tues! Ill get at least 25 hours a wk! I'm so happy! As I went to leave, they both hugged me goodbye! I walked to meet nick at the shops. I got there before him and sat in tears! Id actually done it! I went in there, did my best and it all paid off! I wasn't a hopeless disaster as id felt for so many years! I can actually do this! when I told nick, he was so happy for me. hed been so worried for me that hed ended up with a headache. told my mate and she was well chuffed for me too. nick bought me a drink to have at home to celebrate and I got us a takeaway to celebrate too.

today, I went to meet a new friend for brekkie. went to see if this new friendship will work. jack came with me as he wanted to get out. we met up and had a good chat. brekkie was nice and we talked. but so far in, she seemed more interested in her phone that conversing with me. so I made a move and jack and I went to morrisons. she decided to look round the shops. jack and I got stuff in. while in there, a woman charged round the corner, I quickly moved to one side. as I did so, Id touched her shoulder and apologised. she was gobbin off as shed walked past me but I didnt hear what she said. jack said nasty woman. I said what did she say? he said she said, get out of my f...ing way! seriously, what is it with some people. she was probably in her 50s. the shop was busy and she was marching through everyone and being very rude about it too. a part of me wanted to say, show some bloody respect. if this is such a problem for you having other people in the store, go shopping at night time. proper disgusted me. instead I thought, whats the point? if she thinks its appropriate to treat people like that, it would be like talking to a brick wall. so I walked away knowing I aint that sort of person. and neither is my son. we went home and I tidied up, while getting stuff ready for me and nick to stay at my mates for the weekend. I really cant wait. karaoke at their local pub, so were going to have a right laugh. be a great way to celebrate my new job and chill before I start.

when nick got back, I felt really emotional. he noticed and asked if I was ok as I was quite clingy today. since hed come in, id been hugging and holding his hand a lot. I think ive felt quite overwhelmed today by all the big changes happening. don't get me wrong, it’s great that Ive got this new job, but at the same time, I'm so used to everything going tits up, I'm scared of what bad thing will happen. so I just needed to feel close to him, so I could feel safe and certain about one thing. later on, I calmed down and felt a lot better. I'm realising I need to concentrate on the real good things that are happening and not the potential bad things that haven't. its not easy after a lifetime of having all the crap potential things pointed out at me and constantly shoved at me, so eventually they happened. I don't want that anymore. I want the good. I want the great and I want to achieve what I always thought was impossible. ive done quite a lot of that already this year, but it doesn't mean there aren't many more things that I can still aim for. I want the life ive always dreamed of! I want nick and the kids to have the life they've always dreamed of! and I know if I aim for it and do my best, I know ive got a good chance. if I don't get all the way, at least I know I will have done everything I could have done to get there. I can do this! this is my new mantra! fingers crossed it works xxx

[warriorprincesslife-blog]

A very busy week!

Hi everyone

Recovery with my knee is going great! I was on crutches for a day and slowly but surely started extending the distances I could walk. Well today! I went pokemon hunting! By myself to start! Then I persuaded my son to come with me lol. I walked over 5 miles today! I was so happy! This is 9 days post op and I’m feeling good in regards to my knee. Hoping that next week I can go swimming so I can build back up my leg muscles!

I’ve applied for another job through a friend. She’s worked for this company for a while and she’s having to change jobs to find better hours for herself and son. I’ve applied and hoping to hear back from them soon. I took the application form to the business, only to find it’s the employer’s house as well. I apologised as I hadn't been aware of this. The woman said it’s fine. It’s been 3 days now and I’m shitting myself as I hope to get this job as it sounds so perfect for me. It’s working as a carer within the community, helping their patients to live a normal everyday life and experience everyday life skills. It would look perfect on my application to university! Plus I’d get to do a job that sounds great for me. I love working with people with learning difficulties and disabilities as I like to help them live a great life despite their ongoing difficulties. So I’ve got my fingers, toes, arms and legs crossed! It doesn't help that over the years I’ve been programmed to believe that I’m not good enough to achieve amazing things, so I keep expecting bad news! I know I have the passion and ability to do this job and achieve so much more! I’m starting to listen to my new voice telling me I can do anything I can put my mind to. It’s just difficult sometimes as that other voice I’ve had instilled in me, keeps trying to beat me up and take control. I’m trying to teach myself that the only person’s opinion that matters, is mine!

So I’ve got to keep my mind on task! I can achieve this! I can do this! My job application form can sell me as I’ve put all my experience and qualifications in it. If that isn't enough for them, then I’m not the right person for them and they sure aren’t the right people for me. Like I have to remind myself, everything happens for a reason!

So I hope next time I speak to you, I will have had a response and be able to let you know whether I have a new job or not. I’m going to stay optimistic! So keep your fingers crossed guys and I shall speak to you soon.

Bye bye xxx

[warriorprincesslife-blog]

Can’t wait until I get my energy back!

hi everyone

I am cream crackered lol. On Wednesday, I went and had my second knee surgery done. I woke up and Nick had a really bad migraine. I told him to stay at home and stay with Jack. He said they’d both come. I told him there was no point them hanging around a hospital for hours, especially when he’s not feeling very well. Plus I didn’t want Jack hanging around the hospital worrying about me. So I asked him to stay with him at home. So I went on my own. I was nervous and anxious at first, but then I remembered that I had been through this before. Despite my ex mother having a go at Nick a couple of years ago for leaving the hospital when I went down for surgery, I recently remembered that I’d undergone surgery twice before with no one there for me. So this time I felt stronger. I felt empowered and less anxious! Plus I knew that this time of going for surgery by myself was my choice and not because there was no one there to go with me. I knew that they’d be in touch with me every step of the way. I knew that if I asked they’d come up and be with me as soon as they could. I knew that even though I was there by myself, I wasn’t alone.

So I went down at 4pm and woke up about half 5. I got taken up to the ward at about 6pm. I had some toast and juice about 7pm and finally persuaded the nursing staff to let me go home about 9pm. I told them Nick was waiting for me down at reception in the car. Instead, I went down and phoned a taxi. I messaged Nick and told him I was coming home. I’m lucky to have arrived home in one safe piece as the taxi driver decided to play formula 1 and drove like a fucking nutjob despite me asking him to drive slowly and safely as I’d just come out from surgery. Instead he decided to be a fucking knobhead! I got home feeling painful and angry.

Nick came out and met me to help me get inside. I was so happy to be home. I got in and rested. I was only able to take ibuprofen due to my allergies, so was worried I wouldn’t be able to get to sleep. Nick made me some toast and jam. Not long after I passed out! OMG! It was like heaven! I actually slept! After my last surgery, I didn't sleep properly for a couple of nights due to the bad reactions I was having with certain pain meds. So it was such a relief to sleep!

It’s now been a few days since the surgery. I’ve been out and walked around my home town. Managed to work up to a couple of miles. Bit achy but I’m ok. Managed to get full extension and roughly 90 degree ish flexion. I’ve got an appointment with physio on Thursday. So I’ll find out what he thinks of how I’m doing. Looking forward to going back to swimming, but it could take me a few weeks to let my wounds heal enough to be allowed in the water. Otherwise it could cause high risk of infection.

I’ve also applied for 3 jobs in the past couple of days! Fingers crossed I manage to get one of them as I need to get back out into the working world. I’ve helped Nick apply for a few too, so between us we should hopefully be able to support our little family. I’m just praying that we can get on track as we’ve recently decided to get married in New York. So I’d like to get a job soon, so we can at least start saving. Will be a while off yet, but will be nice to have an amazing dream to aim for!

So I’m going to chill for a bit now as my knee needs icing! Speak to you soon guys. Getting pretty tired at the minute, hopefully my energy will build back up, the more my knee heals! oh please tell me it’s soon lol.

xxx

[warriorprincesslife-blog]

When did our country turn to shit?

Hi everyone

I am forewarning that I am on a rant today!

What is it with this country? Theresa May or should I say Tresemme? Is stating they can’t afford this countries public sector a pay rise, but don't worry she can fork out millions to the DUP, so she’s got her arse covered!

When those poor victims of Grenfell Tower were left homeless and grieving, members of our government and country saw it as a way to take advantage!!! British Red Cross tried stealing donations meant for those victims who've been left with nothing! The government have said that any funds or compensations the victims receive, will have a profound impact on their benefits. Hold the fuck on! Those people lost everything because our government believed it was more important for their building to look nice, rather than safe! They're the ones to blame for this incident and the victims are being punished for it! For weeks, so many of those victims had to live in shelters and hostels because the government would not place them in surrounding homes, because they were luxury apartments! When did the value of a life being weighed by their monetary status??? A human life is a human life! In court, if a person takes another person’s life, they receive the longest sentence. It doesn't matter if the person killed is rich or poor, so why do the government believe that they can judge people like that?

Even businesses are disgusting me! Why even in the 21st century are women still being seen as second class citizens??? Companies are still paying men more than women! Even the BBC are to blame for this!

The government and media are using their power to manipulate people within society! Saying that Muslim people are terrorists! No, terrorists are terrorists! Islam is a peaceful religion, who believe Allah will punish them if they harm another person, so the next time you believe a Muslim person is a terrorist, think again! The media and government are making society believe that all our problems are caused by immigrants or people of other races! This isn’t the case! Most of the problems in this country are caused by the people born here, but the media mostly pin the problems on other cultures and religions as no one wants to blame the white English person. The government don't help by saying that they’re preventing immigrants into the country because of all the terrorist action! Well who do you think is putting immigrants up in the best houses in Britain and giving them benefits because they cant get a job here, as they don't speak the language. oh yes! The government! No wonder there’s over 6 million people in this country who are working and still living below the living wage!

Oh but don't worry! The governments paying for a lovely new train track and train that will knock what 10-20 mins off the journey between Edinburgh and London! Oh yeah, sorry I forgot that’s more important than paying those hard working citizens, who are trying to support their families, enough money to feed and clothe their families!

Seriously, what sort of world are we living in??? People see third world countries suffering from malnutrition and homelessness, but what no body mentions is that it is happening in our very own country! There are loads of homeless people living on the streets, but when the media investigates local councils, they admit that there’s only one of them in their town. It’s like schools saying that bullying doesn’t happen in their school. Just because you ignore it or act like it isn’t happening, doesn’t mean it isn't! If this was the case, why are there charities and organisations out there who are overwhelmed by the amount of people needing their help, through homeless shelters, food banks and soup kitchens?

And then those poor disabled people who are being made to be reassessed for their disability benefits as apparently too many people are on it. So they go through assessments and being told by medical assessors who aren’t necessarily qualified in the patients disability field, that they are well enough to go to work! and yet, so many people on jobseekers allowance who use their money for drink and drugs, aren't being stopped their money, when they're capable of working. Why is it always the weakest who are the hardest hit?

But then again, I’m learning that to get anywhere in life where you’ll earn a decent amount of money, you have to be an arsehole who would rather stomp on others to get up rather than help them up. Look at it this way, doctors, nurses, police and fire workers earn no where near the amount of money they deserve for the work they do. And so many of them are having to take out payday loans as they can’t afford their bills. When did being a medical professional be a job that someone could suffer poverty with? When I was a kid, medical professions were jobs everyone aspired for, because they were highly paid and respected. They save lives everyday! Those jobs should be paid more than anyone, especially as the value of a person’s life is worth more than anything. When did our world become so backwards?

I’m honestly scared of the life my children will have when they are older! I was always told that to get somewhere in life, you must be kind, respectful and hardworking! Tell me which people in the world who are like that, who are getting paid their value! I bet there’s not many, if any!

Rant over! I apologise to anyone I offended, but I’m a white British woman, who doesn't believe there should be double standards for anyone. How did our country end up like this? God help us! x

[warriorprincesslife-blog]

Hey everybody!

Hey guys

Things seem to be looking up!

I’ve not spoken to my uncle in nearly 11 years. He walked out on us. I was told by my mother that it was because he was ashamed of my mental health disorder and my mother’s depression at the time. For years, I believed this was true. Anytime anybody mentioned him, it was always because he couldn’t handle my mental health. For years, it made me feel that no matter what I did, nobody would every truly accept me, because why should they? My own family didn’t want to be in my life due to this stupid illness. It made me hate myself more and more. I never felt good enough. I felt worthless and I felt like I was carrying this huge boulder around with me everyday; my mental illness. And no matter how much I tried to throw it away, I’d always find it shackled to my ankle. I couldn’t escape it and so in turn I believed what I was being told.

Well, its been over 4 months since I spoke to my family and for a few weeks, things have been bugging me. I wanted to find out from my uncle his side of the story. Why did he really leave? Was it because of my mental health? Was it really my fault all these years? So I messaged him. I was cacking my pants. I heard nothing for 4 days, then on Tues eve, I got a reply.

He explained his side. It was never because of my mental health issues. Basically my mother had tried to control and manipulate him and his life. He fought against it, he ran away, which explained why he’d walked out on us before. He was being treated as badly as I had been. He knew exactly how it felt and in the end, he had to do what was right for him. And he did it! I only wish he’d told me. Unfortunately I understand, in this situation, you can’t just leave one of them, we had to leave them all, otherwise we’d have been dragged back in to their web of lies. I cried for a bit. It was mainly pure relief. All this time, I’ve been walking around with this weight tied to me, thinking I was unloved due to my health, only to find out I was never the reason.

The next day I got up and went out with Nick. I didn’t care where we went. I just knew, I didn't want to stay in and feel tied to the house. For months, I’ve been nervous about leaving the house in fear of bumping into them. I’ve sort of been isolating myself but no more am I doing that! I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! I’m a good person! Ironically, since I found out the truth, I can see things clearly. I know that if they lied to me about that, then I know they lied to me about so much more. So all those nasty comments they made about me that I ended up believing, I know aren’t true. I know I’m a good person! I know I’m caring! I know I’m not selfish or a bitch or a me me. I’d do anything for anyone. So I can go outside with my head held high, knowing I’m not that person they described! They were merely projecting themselves on to me!

The best part was when I walked past their house twice the other day, as I’d sold some paint to a woman who lived near them. And do you know what? I didn’t care! I knew if they saw me, I didn’t care. If they started on me, I knew the truth and I knew that whatever they wanted to say about me, was more about them than me. I’m not scared to see them in the street now, as I know I have nothing to be ashamed of. I was never that person, I was just a scapegoat for their own internal shame! Well no more! I’m free and I’m going to be the person, I’ve always been meant to be!

So yes! A pretty good week!

xxxx

[warriorprincesslife-blog]

Is it bedtime yet? lol!

Hi everyone

I am absolutely shattered but in a good way! I think!

On Saturday, it was my son’s birthday party. His birthday is in August but because it’s in the middle of the school holidays, most of his friends are usually away, so we have his party early. I took him and 5 of his mates to a trampoline park near us. The kids had a great time. Even his sister turned up and she joined in. I sat with my son’s dad, his partner and my step son. Was a good giggle as it made me realise that I was so happy with my life. I saw other people in their relationships, who didn’t seem that happy and I was thankful that I’m not in a relationship like that. I was glad that I’ve finally found the right guy for me. Seeing other people so unhappy in theirs, makes me so thankful that I’m not there anymore.

After the party, my step son and I took the kids back to ours. My step son left not long after, and I fed the lot of them lol. 2 pizzas, 2 garlic breads, potato wedges, sausage rolls, biscuits and buns! They ate the lot! God that trampolining must have used up all their energy! They played on the xbox and games downstairs while I chilled and watched a film upstairs. At 5pm, all the kids went home and I started blitzing downstairs. Took me a while! Afterwards, I could have slept for years! lol. In the evening, my son decided to stay at his nans, so Nick and I settled down for the night.

On Sunday, I didn’t want to stay inside all day. I’d spent too much time in the day before with the kids and felt like I needed to get out. I texted my son to see what time he was coming home and said about 5pm, so I said we'd be going out and I'd text him on our way home. So Nick and I escaped! We went to Meadowhell and made a day of it! We walked round it and had a laugh looking in the shops. I bought a couple of tops and a couple of books. Most of the time, we were just enjoying the time together. Always nice just to be. Later on, we got home and spent some time with the kids.

On Monday, I caught up with my best mate as she'd been at her fellas for a couple of weeks. Has felt ages since I've seen her. Was a nice catch up. We had brekkie, cuppas and then did some food shopping. Was nice to have my girlie mate back. She's my only mate as I struggle to keep mates as they often just hang around with me until they get what they want. So I've recently struggled to even contemplate making friends. However, she's the one person who stood by me through everything. She helped me through so much! We have some right laughs together! She has struggles of her own, and I'm there for her as much as she needs me. I know she's likely to move into her fellas one day in the future, which will be difficult for a while as he lives in the next city and I can't afford to have a car at the moment. I just hope I don't lose her too.

On Tuesday, I met up with my psych nurse for a cuppa. Was nice to see her and catch up. Feels like a proper girlie catch up week this week lol. We had a good chat. I've been feeling more optimistic and slightly more confident recently through doing my studies and courses I'm attending. My psych nurse has been great with me for the past few years. I know she's going to be retiring in August and it scares me to a certain extent. Both of my friends will be leaving a part of my life. I know I'm doing better, so I'll hopefully not need a psych nurse one day, but it doesn't make it any easier. Especially as I'm a person who suffers with abandonment issues due to the past abuse and trauma I've experienced. I'm scared that I'm getting more and more isolated.

Luckily, I've been working on exposure therapy to help me get out in social places. I worked out through my anxiety course, that I've been avoiding social places or events as it would mean I'd need to interact with people. It currently terrifies me. I'm scared if I make an interaction with someone and it goes further to the point of making a friend, they'll eventually get what they want out of me and leave. So the thought of putting all that effort in, only to be abandoned again, feels heart breaking! I don't feel strong enough to do it. Hey if my own family didn't like me enough to fight for me, why would anyone else bother to stick around? My family had an attachment to me; blood! And yet, they didn't give much of a shit about me. How will I overcome this and find enough love and satisfaction in other relationships? I try not to think about my family as it's been nearly four months since we last spoke now, but when I do, I feel like a part of my life is missing. I guess in a sense a part always was. When I had them in my life, I was missing from it as I let them control me. Now they're missing. But ironically, it’s not them I miss. I know who they really are and they aren't the people I want in my life. The part I miss, is the people I wished they could have been and the people, I know, they will never be. I try to find other relationships, I have, to help try and replace that emptiness, but they aren’t mine. They’re other people’s families. I feel like an orphan and when other people make family arrangements and try to involve me, I feel weird. As I know they’re not mine. But then again, mine never was either!

On Tuesday afternoon, I went to my last anxiety course session. My anxiety was really reduced. My heart rate was slower. My whole body was calmer. Showed me that the exposure therapy is actually helping. So I’m facing my fears and continuing up my exposure hierarchy! Over the past two sessions, I’ve been getting on well with one woman on the course. Everyone else seems to keep themselves to themselves. So at the end of the session as we walked out, I gave her my number and said if she’d like to stay in touch or go to an exercise class together, I’m up for it. She’s like me in regards to anxiety and thought maybe it could be a good thing having a new friend who gets it. And maybe we could face those social situations together. She actually said yes and she’s going to see what classes there are and get back in touch with me.

So yes! I made a new friend! I haven't tried to do that in years! I was so proud of myself! I can actually face this! Fingers crossed I don't freak out and panic!

I want to get better! I want to be happier! I want to be the best version of myself and know that it isn’t bad to be happy and good, but I should be proud to be me. If other people don’t like it, that’s their problem not mine.

So when I got home, I started boxing on the punchbag. Nick heard and came and joined me. Really released a lot of tension, I didn’t realise I had. I carried on with weights and exercises, while Nick had a go on the bag. Was really nice to be doing it together. I am going to get better. And I’m going to try and stop feeling bad about being the person I am and want to be!

So sod it guys, let’s just be ourselves! xxx