whatajabroni-blog

[whatajabroni-blog]

Moving on

I should probably delete all the texts. I know it feels good examining the past, trying to make sense of things, but there’s really not much good that can come of it now. Now is time to acknowledge the lessons we learnt and move forward. 

You weren’t crazy for staying with him. The attraction was real and new and exciting. There were good times and a comfort in feeling understood. This is what gave his words power and he used his words very carefully. From the start there was threat of suicide or self harm, it was a good way to keep me in contact. How can you block someone and leave them to fight against suicidal feelings with a clear conscience? You knew what you did and didn’t want and expressed this clearly. You weren’t equipped to handle the manipulation that followed, nor were you stupid for thinking that there was potential for improvements when you were given a glimpse of self-awareness and promises of better. It seems obvious now that therapy was what he needed, but you hadn’t taken those steps yourself and were suffering with the same afflictions but to a lesser extent. How were you supposed to know better when you could understand and existed the same way he did? What we take forward from this is to trust our gut instinct, listen to what we want and protect ourselves rather than taking responsibility for the others feelings. You do not owe yourself to anyone, and if they can’t handle someone taking control of their life and having autonomy then they are most definitely the people you want to avoid.

It’s probably fair to say you weren’t your best self throughout the relationship. We can acknowledge that the way we approached frustrations was not productive and we now know there are better ways to discuss issues which don’t judge the person and encourage defensiveness. Some things said were hurtful and he was owed an apology. Whilst it’s important to learn from this, it’s also important to give ourselves compassion as there was a slight learned helplessness that no matter what you did you weren’t able to get free of the relationship and he wasn’t going to change. Those frustrations came out in a not nice way, but the intent was never to control or hurt, and you were still being manipulated along the way. Suicide threats are an extreme situation so why would you expect yourself to respond in a perfect way? Whenever suicide was brought up it was always because you weren’t behaving how he wanted, so to be angry about having your emotions used against you is actually pretty reasonable. It’s difficult to act rationally when the other person is acting even less so. You are not a bad abusive person and believing this will make you vulnerable to other people’s perceptions and give others power to control you. In your healthy relationships you are perfectly capable of managing your emotions, civil discussion and being kind. There’s capacity within you to not be these things because you are human and you’re not perfect, certain people may bring it out more than others and its about raising awareness and being conscious of who encourages our positive characteristics and who brings out our worse side. 

TL/DR: 

- Trust yourself to make the right decision for you and that you will do so in the future. You really are better at doing it than you think. 

- Hold space for other people’s emotions rather than taking responsibility for them

- Trust that you are genuine and good; mistakes will be made but they do not define you

[whatajabroni-blog]

What did I get?

I got the shame

that made me feel dirty 

I got the fear

that those I loved would desert me 

I got the paranoia 

that kept me up at night in despair 

I got the anxiety 

that my body was shared further than i was aware

I got the loss of control 

that led me to dissociate from my mind 

I got the anger 

that bleeds into any loosely related subject matter I can find

I got the memories

that cause revulsion

I got the autonomy

that should have been mine ripped away like an avulsion 

And he got 

away with it. 

[whatajabroni-blog]

the past week has been incredibly draining. from international womens day to sarah everard’s death. I think maybe the most difficult thing about it is feeling like im surrounded by people who don’t feel affected, who don’t seem to understand what it means to be a woman or what their words do. I’m frustrated that they seem to think they are innocent and that they have no reflecting and changing to do. Are they so blind to the fact that i’m actually not ‘one of the boys’ that they forget im a woman, who is impacted by their behaviour in ways they cant understand. What am i to think when it gets pointed out at every opportunity that a woman isnt wearing a bra? What am i supposed to think when i dont wear a bra? Can you not see how what you say means i am now aware of how my body is perceived, that i will monitor myself and change my behaviour to avoid commentary? How am i supposed to feel when you call us ‘dumptruck’ or make a scene when we bend over to do something as trivial as tie our shoe lace? Where’s the logic because I know your excuses would be its just a joke but you’d tell me in the same breath its biological instinct to find bums sexual - so please explain how it’s ok to draw attention to what you’ve all deemed a sexual part of my body and then tell me it’s a well meaning joke? Was the joke that it didnt look sexual because of what i was wearing - being unattractive is something to draw attention to also? These are the words of a couple of people, but said amongst a larger complicit group who say nothing to challenge these ideas. And that’s why I’m angry at all of you. 

They can fondly recall memories of someone who sexually assaulted and coerced me, continue to follow them on social media, engage with their content. Where are the repercussions for his behaviour? It’s as if it didn’t happen. I got to feel the shame, i got to feel the lack of control, i get to continue to feel the revulsion that comes with the memories. And yet, the consequences for him were none. Maybe he’s in his own personal hell now, but that is of his own doing. I don’t see why people who are supposed to love me honour him more. And that’s why I’m angry at all of you. 

[whatajabroni-blog]

full time work has ruined everything. why can feelings not just stay the same, why do i have to be so fickle and volatile. seem to cause myself to lose anything good in my life. wish i was normal. or just didnt exist. either one hahahaaaaaaaaa

[whatajabroni-blog]

Why do boys feel so entitled to a womans body? What is it that makes them think they have the authority to decide for you what should happen to it? When a woman says no, that means no. And usually this is being said too late because the damage is done, theyre already doing something the woman doesnt want. But thats probably why guys dont even ask, if they ask theyll get an answer they dont want to hear, and then they have no way to rationalise the fact theyre abusing a person. Cant pretend she seemed like she wanted it if youve already heard her protesting. ‘teach men not to rape’. ‘oh you cant say that, youre basically saying all men are destined to be rapists unless taught otherwise’ that would be an argument if it werent potentially true. No, most men arent going to be the jump out of a bush, attack a woman in the street kind of rapist. But so many will put their primitive needs and desires above the rights of a woman because... women arent important enough to be listened to?? we dont have the same power as men? men feel they have a right to be satisfied by a woman?? And people may want to brush that under the carpet cos they dont want to admit that a large proportion of guys abuse women, in ways from touching inappropriately to full on rape. Nothing on that spectrum is ok and yes, all males need to be taught not to rape which essentially means being taught women dont owe them anything and shouldnt assume the woman is always ok with what you want to do. 

End of rant.

[whatajabroni-blog]

Help me.

I dont think ive ever been this stressed before. I mean i almost cried thinking about this assignment which is something thats never happened before. I can feel my blood pressure rising and my head is taking most of the impact so obviously feels like its going to explode. There is too much pressure put onto 3rd year at university and too much pressure on the whole getting a degree thing. Why does this have to define my life? Why am i not getting the help i need? Whilst ive felt like ive struggled with assignments before ive always been able to get my head around them eventually and ive always known i would be able to. This time is different and i genuinely dont think i can manage it and theres minimal help available so due to this one task i now may jeopardise my whole degree. Getting a 2:2 may not be the end of the world to some people but to me it basically signifies failure and a waste of three years of my life. Hate the helplessness, hate the impact the stress has on my life. Grades should not have this power over my life and yet it persists. Wish i could just strive for happiness in the moment, and not think about the future but thats all that plagues my mind.  Society is stupid and I hate how confining and narrow your options of how to exist are. 

End of rant.