wherever-you-go--there-you-are

[wherever-you-go--there-you-are]

Leaving Day

Firstly before we embark any further on this journey together (in case you hadn’t already gleaned from the first entry), there’s something you need to know. Without a shadow of a doubt…..

…..I am going to be talking about some things that might technically be referred to as ‘weird shit’ and this blog will definitely have more than its fair share of ‘deep stuff’.

If you’re ok with that, then read on.

So, today’s the day Ieave for Kathmandu and I already feel a world away from how I felt when I booked this flight only 9 days ago. It’s amazing how quickly shift happens.

About three days ago, I had a moment where I sort of just let go of everything I was  so desperately trying to heal in a hare’s breath of a moment. And it was like waking up from a coma to find that someone else had been running my life, controlling my body and calling all the shots and suddenly I was like “ok who’s in charge here? What du mean you’ve booked a flight to Nepal??’

It’s been a weird few months and I now know what it feels like to be emotionally hijacked! And the twist in this tale was that it was Me doing the j]hijacking. Wait what?

Now if you’ve ever had a weirdy woo conversation with me (is there any other type?) about the concept of ‘self’ then you will have heard me mention this idea that we have many different versions of ‘self’ inside; authentic self, conditioned self, wounded self, inner child, inner critic, higher self, shadow and the list goes on.

To be fair, I’m not the first person to talk about this idea, many of the great philosophers and psychologists refer to these different selves so before you discount the idea as a the outcome of some funky psychedelic trip or the result of a complete nervous breakdown - have a read around it and, with an open mind, you’ll know yourself better - I promise. Though I can also promise you that it’s quite the ride, discovering all these selves!

So, this last year I’ve been getting to know all these inner selves, yes on occasion feeling like a crazy person. And it turns out that some of them are assholes. And even the ones who aren’t assholes, still occasionally do stupid shit that oftentimes leave you wondering what the hell just happened! But I’m learning to shower them with grace when they act out rather than scolding myself for being an idiot. Life is much better this way, I’ve discovered.

So, three days ago, I ‘woke up’. The ‘I’ here is most likely being my most together authentic self who responds reasonably to situations and in alignment with my values rather than my needy, conditioned self who’s looking only to get my unmet needs me - yeah, let that sit and percolate for a minute. And so, my next question to myself was ‘ok, who was it? Who booked this one way ticket to Nepal like a crazy person?

I’m aware that to many, I will currently sound like I may currently as we speak be, in fact, having a nervous breakdown. But trust me when you know all your selves well enough to have a chat with them now and again, you’ll start to see that so much of the behaviour that hasn’t been serving you can be released. You can live a life more wholly. But it takes a while to get there - I’m not there yet, by any means.

That’s largely what this trip is about. To arrive at a place of peace within, not living in the perpetual dissonance that so many of us live with; breaking our own values to get our needs met, acting in ways that surprises even us, sacrificing and abandoning ourselves, showing up as a version of ourselves and ultimately living a half life.

So, which me was in the driving seat these last few months? Which me decided that running away to Kathmandu was the answer for the strife of the last few months. She had some explaining to do. 

And I’m under no illusion now, it was about running away. No matter how much I tried to convince myself and everyone around me that it wasn’t. That’s exactly what it was. And I can see it now - now I’m not currently hijacked by whichever self that was. And I say ‘currently’ rather than ‘no longer’ because I know full well she’ll find her way back into the driving seat from time to time - determined little shit that she is! I say this with love and humour because I know her, I know why she does this stuff. She's the part of me that hurts, a lot. The part of me that is quite frankly done with hurting and will do anything she can to avoid said hurt. She seeks distraction in adventure and dresses it up as being brave. She is brave, don’t get me wrong, but the primary driving force for her is avoidance.

So what is it that we’re avoiding weary soul? I ask.

After feeling into it, it turns out that the very last thing this ‘me’ wants is to sit with herself. Because that’s when reality strikes and the thoughts creep in. Suddenly it ALL comes in. But what I’ve realised, just this week, is that this is an outdated strategy to cope with the colossal amount of pain I’ve been trying to process all these years.

So much of it, as it happens, has already been processed and released. So now when I consciously feel into this idea of ‘sitting with myself’ and finding peace within (where previously there was no peace to be found, only anger, pain, loneliness and deep sadness), there is no longer an overwhelming fear around it. So, when I woke this morning not feeling in the least bit excited about this epic adventure I had to have a word with myself. 

Why? What is this feeling? Why do I feel so conflicted about going on this trip? Well, this last few months has been some of the hardest I’ve experienced in my life. And yes I do have a penchant for exaggeration but on this occasion it’s the humble truth. The arse fell out of my world as a relationship came to an end, my business collapsed and my entire sense of identity took a vacation and has yet to come back, maybe she also got a one way ticket to Nepal??

It’s been rough BUT, and this is a big but……I truly believe that these things are destined to encourage the greatest growth and they give us an opportunity to experience life in its full technicoloured splendour. Don’t get me wrong, these times are shit, amongst the shittest we’ll ever encounter, most likely, but if we can learn to sit with the discomfort of the feelings - knowing that they are just sensations in the body - then we have the unique opportunity to become the fullest versions of ourselves, to know ourselves better. Then we get to choose, more consciously, how our lives unfold…and how we feel about it.

[wherever-you-go--there-you-are]

Booked it!

8 days before I leave I booked my flight and first few days accommodation at Banepa Stay in Banepa, about an hour east of Kathmandu.

Well I'm nothing if not lastminute.com aka chaos incarnate!

I got my jabs last minute on Thursday (with the most hilarious travel nurse who, I swear, was half an inch from taking me up on the offer when I said 'du wanna come with me?').

I think this way of doing things might make some people a little crazy and there is a bit of fizzy nervousness in here but it's mainly a large measure of excitement!

Here’s a few gems the travel nurse, Amanda, gave me regarding mozzies, that are useful anywhere!

FOR BITE PREVENTION

Taking Vit B Complex (she told me a story of a lady in Thailand who was being eaten alive. She ran out of her anti Malarials so went to a local chemist to try and replenish her stocks but he said 'just do what us locals do' and take this. Her bites all cleared up and she got no more new ones!! There's small studies that suggest that it reduces the production of a certain acid that we produce that's like cat nip to mozzies (you are wlecome!)

Avon 'Skin so Soft' as a general bug repellant (who knew?) - great for bite aversion from mozzies!

That said, I'm taking deet anyway as we're going into Monsoon season so better safe than getting Dengue, Japanese Encephalitis or any of the other bug nasties that could well and truly mess with my plans for this trip…and life in general!

FOR GENERAL

Don't overpack. You can get most of what you need out there - either by purchase or hire.

Water purifier tabs or a water bottle that take all the nasties out - though when you read the warning list on purifier tabs they look like the last thing you’d ever voluntarily consume!! But take them in case of emergency?

UPDATE

I have definitely overpacked! 🤦‍♀️

[wherever-you-go--there-you-are]

Entry #1

This time last week I was torn between two versions of myself.

One: a chronic people pleaser who always, at every opportunity, puts others before herself. Always trying too hard, doing too much, over delivering, giving, giving, giving to the detriment of herself. I would abandon myself before I'd abandon anyone else.

That said, I've always living my life the way I wanted to because somewhere inside I knew there was more to me than this. A more authentic me trying to claw her way out. I'm a walking paradox in that sense. I think many of us are because where there's humans, there's duality. It's inevitable.

So the other 'me' I've recently had a glimpse of?

A mysterious being, a version of myself I don't yet know. A being that draws me to her but one I've felt a hefty resistance to. She's a stranger to me and I'm not entirely comfortable around her. But what I do know about her is that she is fiercely committed to herself. She knows her needs and will not sacrifice them for others. She's well boundaried and will never leave her own side. She gets angry when she's angry, she let's her feelings breathe without fear of being 'rejected'. She is utterly honest and real with herself and compassionate always. She loves just as deeply, she's just more discerning about who she showers with it.

She allows herself to be all she is in her infinite humanness.

She no longer holds herself to the impossibly high standards set out by her people pleasing counterpart. She no longer seeks the validation of others to fill that empty space inside - that chasm that was painfully excavated through childhood trauma, through years of not feeling seen or heard or loved or valued, decades of blaming herself for not being enough and the guilt that comes with that - A space that would never be filled by the love, care or validation of others, no matter the wealth and depth of love she's been shown, because that hole was 'Dad' shaped.

We set ourselves an impossible task as people pleasers. We try to prove, in the most exhausting and soul crushing way, that we are worthy, that we do have value.

Look, look at all the things I've done (for you), look at how hard I've tried, how much I've broken myself, how much I've abandoned myself to prove to you that I'm worthy - this must be enough for you to really see me..............surely?

But it will never be enough.

Because it's not this person in front of you right now that you need to see you. It's someone else; your parents or grandparents or your caregivers who weren't able to love you the way you needed - because they were never shown how.

The cycle perpetuates on and on. But I truly believe that we have the strength within us to soften it, to discontinue the cycle. We have the choice to open our eyes to ourselves. And that is so often the most terrifying part - especially for those who's identity is based on a sense of shame or lack. But you do not lack, you only believe you do because you did not receive what you needed as a child. You are already whole. All that's needed is acceptance of all parts of you (just that, just that little thing.... *audibly eyerolls at self*)

Your people were doing the best they could with what they had, there is no blame here. What there is, is an opportunity to do things differently now.

For me, the only solution to this problem is to make peace with what was (or is) rather than spending an entire lifetime wrestling with 'what ifs'. What ifs keep us in our victim holes and block us from ever achieving our full potential to live a happy, fulfilled and peaceful life.

But perhaps the most powerful thing is to discover how we can give that to ourselves. That thing that was missing as a child. When we learn to give that to ourselves, we become unstoppable in our quest toward living a full, joyful existence, one that is brimming over with gratitude and a deep sense of acceptance.

So, in short (not so short - I don't do short - clearly) I'm off to Nepal to find that other version of me, the one who is SO ready to let go of the people pleasing behaviours, the one who accepts me wholly exactly as I am. The one with nothing to prove. The one who knows that acknowledges that sometimes we mis-step, sometimes we lose our way, make mistakes, lose our shit, fall apart. Sometimes we are just so terribly human. And that's ok. It's more than ok, it's a part of the journey and to be expected.

I have done many years of inner child healing but neglected entirely the shadow self; where anger, jealousy, spite, shame and all the 'undesirable/unacceptable' feelings live.

But if I am to experience wholeness then I cannot cherry pick the parts of me that I (and my culture) deem acceptable, I must embrace the humanness as well as the divine in me. This is what it is to be a soul having a human experience.

I'd love for you to join me on this journey and please do talk to me as I travel along, I'd love to hear where you're at on your journey so we can meet each other here on this page and find belonging in our shared experience.