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“Burke: There was an interview that Eugene gave. I saved it. I taped it to my bathroom mirror. He said that he wasn’t the most talented student at music school, but he said what he lacked in natural ability he made up for in discipline. He practiced. All the time. All the time he practiced. I wasn’t like you, I wasn’t the most talented student in school, I wasn’t the brightest, but I was the best. Yang: You practiced. Burke: I practiced”

— - Grey’s Anatomy, Blues for Sister Someone (Season 2, Episode 23)

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note to myself 26/11/21:

so my dad passed away this day one week ago. i can’t believe i am actually typing this. i never expected me to write this on my blog. when i first created this blog how many years ago, i didn’t imagine me speaking about my dad’s death at the age of 22. i thought i would be much older, and he would see me get married, and have kids, and do so much more to make him proud. but in this life, we have to be content with what we get, huh? my dad was a lovely man and i did not really see it until he was gone. death has this funny way of teaching you that nothing really matters in the end. all the things you held against them, all the mistakes you refused to let go, all the painful memories that made you cold towards them - none of it really matters. what’s the point in all the bitterness and anger when they can no longer hear nor see you? the most comforting thing is to realise that they are (or were) as human ad you, and thus were subject to mistakes just as you are. so rather than being mad about it, just forgive them and let go.

out of everything in my dad’s life, the thing i am most thankful for is that he tried his best. and that’s all that really matters at the end of the day, isn’t it? that you just try your best. that we all just try out best.. so what if we don’t get it perfect? that was never the point. the point is that we try, and we get recognised for our tries at the end of the day. life is just this huge accumulation of tries and try agains, and that is why it’s so beautiful. sometimes i think i should write a movie script, with the way i write. i am a good writer! dad would have been proud of me if i ever showed him my blog :) i think i told him about it actually, but i guess he wasn’t much of a reader, and that’s okay. thank you dad for trying your best.

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note to myself: 29/05/21

hi again. it’s been one year and a month since i wrote to myself here. here’s an update: i don’t think about stuart whatsoever anymore. i can’t even remember what it felt like to like him. that’s just confirmation that you always do get over ppl. it just takes time. anyways, i’m very happy. in the last year i have grown so close to God, i really know him as a friend now. may is ending and i believe that next month i am entering a new season of life. i believe somebody special is entering my life in the next week lol, exciting. i hope God will make me a good fit for him. i also finished my undergrad degree 17 days ago. now to medicine, by God’s grace. so, a note to myself? remember that things will always work out how they are supposed to trust God. and remember that feelings fade.

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note to myself: 29/04/20

so from this day i have decided to start writing notes to myself here. i only check this blog every couple of months so it will be interesting to see how i grow and how my experiences are different at different periods of time. when i was first active on this blog, i was age 12-15 and i was a very sad child. i was so sad but also so poetic. tumblr made me really poetic. and i will forever thank it for that because it has broadened the range of emotions and understandings and appreciation for everything that i have today. but right now i am 20 years old and i am getting over a boy called stuart. it’s not really “getting over” because i didn’t even like him that much, i just liked the idea of him. but i liked the idea of him too much. we decided to stop talking because we have incompatibilities and it just won’t work so we have decided to remain just friends. we were friends before so this is not a hard thing to do. we were only talking for like 3 weeks anyways. but in that short time i created an idea for him in my head and it’s hard to actually admit this to myself. he presented himself as he is to me and i just romanticised it. even though i know that he is not really what i want. that is no fault of his own, i just know what i want and it isn’t that. but i convinced myself it was because i do quite like the idea of falling in love with someone that i find physically attractive and has a great personality and good scope for conversation. but there is so much more to life than falling in love. especially when somebody is offering you uncertainty. that is the main reason we decided to stop talking actually - because the uncertainty was too much for me and i need certainty. i can’t go through that guessing stage again. so yeah. it’s been 5 days since i last spoke to him and every time i see his name i feel some kind of way but i know that a week from now i will be fine. it’s just the awkward waiting period that is annoying. i know for sure that God has someone who is perfect just for me waiting around the corner. for now i just want to focus on God and on improving myself. and learning my worth. i need to learn my worth enough to know that it is still settling when you really like a boy but he does not tick your most important boxes. it is still settling. don’t settle aghogho. please, never do. 

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The longer you live away from Jesus, the more you forget what you really look like during the times you’ve spent with Him. Being with Him is like looking at the clearest picture of yourself. He tells you the truth about you. He is the truth about you. You’ll never know the real you apart from knowing Him as He is.

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You have to start noticing things. The direction of the rays of sunshine, how it touches and warms your skin; the sway of a leaf in a mild breeze; the simple beauty of the flowers; the strong smell of your morning coffee; the wind in your hair and on your face; the liveliness of the city; the calm of your soul. You have to start noticing this and start living for it.

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“ A child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down just to feel its warmth ” - African Proverb

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“I want that undeniable kind of love when your mom asks about me I hope your cheeks turn pink and you have to keep your lips pressed shut because if you open your mouth you won’t be able to keep from telling her how fucking in love you are the kind of love you wear on all of your clothes even on your skin and between strands of hair the kind of love everyone can see, even when the two of us are on opposite sides of the room the kind of love that you can see in pictures and hear in my voice I want my voice to sound like love I want strangers to speak to me and think “wow, she’s in love.” I hope you never bite me out of the tips of your fingernails or rinse me out of your hair I hope you never shrug me off or tell your dad that we’re only friends because I’ve had that kind of love love that you can brush under the carpet when you need to the kind of love that disappears while you kiss her but comes back the second you see me I don’t want the kind of love that you can ignore, I want that in your fucking face, in your mouth, in your hair, in your teeth, on your sleeves kind of love.”

—

(via

extrasad

)

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“if looks could kill, I’d go blind so I could touch your face and if bodies could talk, mine would scream for you if blood was ink I’d empty my veins to write you love songs I’ll pull flowers out of the ground and tear the wings off butterflies, because you love beautiful things and I’ll cut off my hair to look a little more like the girl you used to dream about all last December I’ll stop sleeping so if your fingers twitch in the middle of the night, I’ll hear it I’m yours once, I saw a girl carve her lover’s name into her thigh, well, my whole body is a canvas for your teeth I can be what you need if I’m not, I can fold my arms and legs and tilt my head, to fit into the jar on your bedroom shelf I can be what you need, and if I’m not, I’ll let you mold me like hot wax, hardening around your fingers I’ll hold my breath if it makes it easier for you to breathe and swallow fireflies if it makes it easier for you to see in the dark I’ll let you take up all the room in my heart, and my mind Invading me like the army leaving no space for my mother, or my best friend, or myself, no survivors I will burn my white flag for you I will crush my bones into powder and make it snow in the summer for you”

—

And if you think this is romantic I hope I see the way your face looks when you change your mind (via

extrasad

)

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People look so different once you don’t care about them anymore

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From this day forth, i will love you from a distance

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“And people are often unable to do anything, imprisoned as they are in I don’t know what kind of terrible, terrible, oh such terrible cage. […] Do you know what makes the prison disappear? Every deep, genuine affection. Being friends, being brothers, loving, that is what opens the prison, with supreme power, by some magic force. Without these one stays dead. But whenever affection is revived, there life revives.”

— Vincent Van Gogh in a letter to his brother Theo (July 1880)

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photo cred: scott sternberg

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I memorized the wayward expressions Never look down Never let you see me down I memorized the way no directions Can I come over now I’d like to stay a little while I memorized your body exposed I could fuck you all night long From a memory alone

I never forget a face Don’t go plastic on me Nothing’s set in stone You’re not dipped in gold Dipped in gold You can’t breathe if you’re dipped in gold You are not on paper You are not a copy You’re so, you’re so..so thick, so thick

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