wisteriannotes

[wisteriannotes]

January 3, 2023

A lot has happened. Awful, and well, exciting stuff too. I finished most of my schoolwork back in the 21st of December, and everything from there was such a blur. I honestly don't know how to start studying again but I have no choice.

December 21, I was trying to write my essay for The Husband Stich for the whole day but I didn't know where to start, or how to start, and I wanted to ask guidance from my professor yet I don't even know which questions to ask and I'm constantly in fear of asking the wrong questions. I think my cousin's wedding was on this day as well, Monique's, and I didn't attend because I'm meant to be writing my essay. I ended up showering for way too long, and that was the only remarkable thing I did. (I just checked my Letterboxd diary, and it turns out this turn of events actually happened last December 20 because it was the same day I watched a movie called Die Beautiful. I don't remember anything from December 21 apart from folding some clothes while attending our last Ethics meeting. I also wrapped some gifts and I remember listening to the entirety of Folklore in my room.)

December 22... I remember waking up and taking the time to eat my breakfast, a comforting cup of Sopas (it was a bit bland), and re-watched Little Women. I also wrapped some last-minute gifts and tried writing my essay as well, to no luck of course. Maybe I dozed off in the afternoon as well, I can't remember.

December 23 is probably the start of the pinnacle of my holidays. I had a plan with a friend and I woke up early to supposedly write a few words for my essay but my mom asked me to do the laundry so I only ended up doing that. My dad helped me, so I just hung the clothes while he did the laundry. I was listening to may "casey and izzie" playlist and I wondered whether when they try to make sense of the songs, whether they figured I was gay through the music I was listening to. After hanging the clothes, I dressed up and got ready while listening to this album by Daisy the Great called All You Need is Time. It's a great album to bop to and it fits my mood most of the time. It was my first time actually wearing my hoop earrings outside and at first, I felt weird and shy about them but over time, I felt like they suit me and when that feeling came I felt a little confident. I spent a good amount of time dressing up and I remember choosing over a pair of black socks or blue socks to match my shirt but I ended up using the black ones. The ride to the meeting place was as usual and I just listened to some nice music I found a couple days prior. I got there 3 minutes early, and a barker of the jeepneys in the place asked me three times about where I was going and whether I was getting into a jeepney yet. I repeatedly told him I was waiting for someone and at some point, I had to walk towards the entrance of the mall before I saw my friend. He was seven minutes late. The first thing I told him was that he was late; honestly, I felt a sense of dominance by being early. I hated being late. Anyway, we got into our first jeepney of the meeting and it was too crowded so we didn't sit together, or beside each other. We didn't even talk, and I just closed my eyes for the sake of it. I wasn't really sleeping. When time came for us to reach our destination, I struggled on my way out because my shoes were too big and bulky to fit in the cramped space. We went to the cafe that we always go to, and I jokingly said "What if it was closed" and alas! It was closed. We had to think of a backup plan because we didn't have a backup plan. I went to Google Maps to try and look for somewhere cozy but they were all unfamiliar, so we ended up going somewhere familiar. The ambiance in the new cafe was amazing but the drink tasted like bad liquor, which was such a disappointment because it was twice as expensive as the good drink I was eager to order from the original cafe we used to go to. The conversation was really nice but I think I really have to work on my listening skills. I remember my friend pointing out my tattoo I got on the 20th. It was a crystal ball, and I prepared a whole speech about its meaning if someone asked even though I only ever chose it because it looked cute. I didn't tell the speech to anyone, and my tattoo faded before I got to do that. Our conversation was really interesting: we talked about art for art's sake, fight club, Wednesday, politics, how law school basically corrupts weak people, his cousin, his cousin's cat, my writing, my ethics class and how capitalists make us feel guilty for not doing enough for the environment when the truth is they're the ones who do the most damage, I also managed to talk about realism somehow and how I feel guilty writing this piece called Balintuna because I feel like I'm not the right person to shed light on the matter. What really bothers me though, is our conversation about abortion.

[wisteriannotes]

December 18, 2022

It's been an awful while. I am swept into the whirlwind of uni work which is honestly terrible, but at least I'm not drowning in my own thoughts and regrets. The amount of schoolwork I have to finish is very overwhelming, and I just get this uncontrollable rush of wanting to talk to someone and tell them everything that's been happening. I haven't been reading as much as I ought to, but that's only because I'm trying to keep up with my schoolwork... or not. I guess I'm in a reading slump. This is such awful writing and I feel bad. I just feel bad for everything I'm doing and it sucks. I want to cry and scream. I feel so bad for not writing, reading, watching movies, not turning in a bonus essay, cramming deadlines. I feel so awful and that feeling crushes me every waking moment and I just want to disappear into oblivion and be invisible and dance in the rain and look at flowers, smell them, and run as my hair flies behind me, with the cold air rushing into my ears that I can hear the wind blowing past and just run without feeling tired and to run away from all of this chaos, from all my thoughts, from my nagging parents, from work, from everything that keeps me from wanting all the things I used to love. I want to run and not look back, and to hold someone's hand while we run away out into the unknown, into the blissful world void of expectations where the sun is always out and the people smile to each other on the streets, where mornings are filled with silence and eye contact, smelling of pancakes and the sink is filled up with baking ingredients but the thought of washing the dishes is not dreading because you're full of love and hope and peace. Really, it's all I want.

[wisteriannotes]

November 27, 2022

It's so hard being a kid of somebody who isn't ready to be a parent yet. It's so pathetic trying to beg for attention and going through great lengths to empathize with what they're feeling, without them doing the same for you, which is ironic because that is literally their job. I feel like I'm tiptoeing over everything because I never got the affection that I needed and it's so hard to explain but it's just so soul-crushing andnl chest-tightening when you realize they don't care about you as much as you do about them, and as much as they should have.

It's so tiring to prevent yourself from breathing to drown out your sobs and to stop yourself from crying because you know they would never understand how it feels to yearn to be seen. Fade into the walls and make noises as quiet as possible to not add to the hard life they've had ever since they had you. I'm so sick of this. And it sucks that they're all expecting so much from me, like I'm the saviour that they've been waiting for to free them from a miserable family line. But why do they expect me to stand up for them when they couldn't even do that for themselves? How am I supposed to carry all of them on my back when the solution that they thought of when they were starting to do the carrying was to have me and pass it on mine?

I never expected myself to work on a Sunday so I'll have an empty room to cry in, but here we are.

[wisteriannotes]

November 21, 2022

I am in an all-time high. I finished a show last night and now more than ever, I want to feel the deep rush of affection for someone I can call mine. That's hard to find because well, no one ever makes a move, and those who do are not who I picture in my head. I've been bingeing clips of these two characters in the show — Casey and Izzie — and I can't help but feel excited for them. In some way, I love them so much because I want the same exact thing in my life. It's exhilarating but also, kind of soul-crushing when I consider everything else in my life right now. I failed my science exam, well, not really failed but my score was less than I hoped it would be; and I still have a fucked up relationship with my mom. I feel stupid for wanting a good relationship with somebody else when I can't even fix a relationship with the people I have in my life right now (or my own life for that matter). There are also circumstances when I kind of get the idea that I'm the problem? It sucks that I get it, and it's also sad when I think about how I am actually deeply insufferable. So, do I even deserve the kind of love that I'm yearning for?

Moving past the "deep" stuff, I tried to be one with my surroundings today! I did finish some tasks that I had but it's just so incredibly painful to have to finish tasks without ever chasing the beauty of life. I think I chased the beauty of life today, which uplifted my spirits somehow, and below are the pictures that I took. Staring at the sky while eating a delicious ice cream bar is probably the best way to end the afternoon. In the midst of inhaling fresh air and looking at the picturesque blue sky, I can't help but think that I could stare at the world forever — the real world that's void of any human alterations.

[wisteriannotes]

November 16, 2022

It's been a while, I mean not an awful while but a while still. I have so much pending works, but I'm trying my best to enjoy the process of all these because if I don't, I'll fall into that sick rabbit hole again and that's the very thing we're trying to avoid. I wrote a poem today because I was too lazy to study, it's called 'Persevere'.

Blue November 9th as we indulged on lilac wine

Our time spent is like climbing a high incline

The truth is I’d gladly jump on that sweet divine

Do you think it would be possible to call you mine?

Angel of joy, Aurora Borealis shy away from your sight

How could I ever deserve your incandescent light?

Even Athena asked why you persist in this tiring fight

She said I take too much, maybe she might’ve been right

I often wonder how you’ve come to like my company

Were you endeared by my rigid obstinacy?

My mind perpetually doubts the affection you have for me –

Was it fondness or just plain curiosity?

Our love affair has gone on for too long now

When will you get tired and break your vow?

You’ve stayed more than they would’ve allowed

Do you still plan to persevere somehow?

It's about someone who doesn't think they're worthy enough to be loved, someone who's constantly scared of being left because no one has ever made them feel like they are worth every drop of affection that comes their way. I often feel like this in relationships, but maybe it's all in my head or maybe I just inflicted that damage on myself because I would always end up leaving when shit gets too real, because I'm scared that when I finally give every single thing that I have inside me, then they'll leave. I'm always scared of that, so I end up leaving first. Commitments are scary, and it's crazy that I even thought of being a person that is capable of something like that. I am emotionally damaged and bruised, and that's okay. What's not okay is trying to cover the broken tapestry by a flimsy paper that will only infect the wound and make it severe as ever.

[wisteriannotes]

November 13, 2022

I'm falling in love again. I'm not quite sure if I'm just lonely and I like the attention, or if I deeply care for them. No matter, I can't get into a relationship before I sort out my internal battles — it'll be too messy for the both of us. I'm hanging in there, focusing on schoolworks and scrolling on social media like a beast. I wish the first application I'd want to go to when I open my phone is my reading app but I almost always end up going to my social media accounts. It really sucks, but I think I do that because social media gives me a brief respite from reality and I get to live in this silly little world I built for myself even just for a little while. I haven't been writing a lot, but I've been having inspirations here and there. I'm thinking of writing a book that contains brief diary entries, about love or really just about navigating life.

I'm falling in love again. I try to stop it, you know, slowly taking a step back when I'm on the precipice because deep inside, I know that I'll end up hurting them anyway but I still find myself waiting for their responses, hoping that they'll respond with as much interest as I hope. Maybe I'm in love with the version of them I made up in my head? Anywat, as I've said, I can't fall in love so it doesn't really matter right? I'm a literal void that exhausts everybody in my black hole, only to spit them out once I start having those turbulences that always come. Thoughts that become loud as sirens are, emergency warning!

This entry is shit but the gist is I'm falling in love again.

By the way, I have a job now! And it's been such a huge adjustment especially with my productivity. I still managed to submit everything on time, but I'm disappointed towards my work ethics because I haven't been really active in discussions and I'm not sure I'm doing my best on my essays. I have been enjoying everything though because I really am interested to learn about all of these. I'm trying my best to keep stuff for myself and not overshare everything, so that's what we're going to keep in mind when we talk to people, which isn't by far. I want to reinvent myself to be something I've always wanted myself to be.

[wisteriannotes]

November 7, 2022

November sadness is hanging over my head like an eagle in distress. I fear it might be long before I experience the old rush of happiness and excitement; brief conversations and whimsical fiction won't cut it this time around. The mirror reflects a sullen soul, with skin filled of agonized marks and internal battle scars, eyes hollow as an empty seashell. I crave for physical touch, an affection indescribable, a reason to go home to — aside from the familiar comfort of an ancient bed in a room void of daylight. My past is crawling out of a tomb I used to bury deep under my lake of misery. I want to scream and to cry and to have someone tell me that it's okay to let it all out, not because they're being polite or they feel pity, but because they care for me too much to let myself bottle the darkness inside me. Passing friendships and postal grief consumes the machinery of my mind; I don't know how to make it all stop. I think I apologize too much because I don't want to be a burden to others, to myself, though this is what I feel and I'm afraid it's what I am. I love you. I'm sorry. The wind is heavy, my body limp, and the void is inhaling a bottle of potion meant to cause utter melancholia — a thief of love and ecstasy. Leave me be, leave me be.

[wisteriannotes]

November 3, 2022

Today is not as productive as I hoped it would be, but I was progressing compared to yesterday and that's something to celebrate about. I've been reading a lot, yet I also fell into the hellhole of Twitter just a few hours ago. It sucks. Anyway, I tried to do my best today and I think I could've done better, if it wasn't for my finger slipping and accidentally updating my laptop (which gave me a long study break of 3 hours, making me lose my momentum and waste hours of my time on social media). I have been loving Atypical so much, mostly because I think my brother exhibits the same behaviors (he's not diagnosed... yet, I think my mom is too scared to let him be checked by a professional) and I get to learn about the better way to treat them, which I have been doing wrong all my life by the way. I always thought it was just an act to get everybody to follow everything he orders, to get everything he wants, without considering the fact that maybe he has a special condition. So the show has been really informative, and I'm working on my treatment towards my brother. I drank 3 tumblers of water today, first time I've done that in a few weeks, so that's another thing to celebrate. I even watched two lectures, can you believe that? I haven't written much for leisure, but I'm looking forward to doing that tomorrow. Got a new routine I want to try and it demands me to wake up at 4:30 in the morning so I think I need to sleep now. I hope tomorrow is a better day, and I am a better person than today.

[wisteriannotes]

November 2, 2022

Life has been... fair. Considering the fact that I haven't posted since Saturday, it's obvious that I was trying to keep myself busy so I can somehow ignore the empty void of loneliness that engulfs me. Honestly, my parents have been staying at home since my last entry and that's probably why I wasn't sick with melancholia for the whole weekend. Does that mean I could never live alone in the future because I always want to be constantly surrounded by somebody else? Hmm.

School has roughly started and I'm trying to get back into the mood, although I was never really in the mood before the break anyway. I'm trying my best to get ahead of the class just so I wouldn't feel that shitty about myself, but it's very hard to do that honestly because I don't have that much motivation to begin with. I wish I can yield my discipline, though, and I'm looking forward to reading and writing I guess (not so much as academic reading because dear god academic essays are boring). I told myself last night that I was going to run today, because I haven't been in a healthy place lately -- physically (who are we kidding, I'm not healthy overall: physically, mentally, or emotionally) but I literally just turned off my alarm and went back to sleep... which gave me about 10 hours of sleep time, too much is not good so I feel bad for that.

One thing that has been good in my life lately is the good books I've been consuming! I read this fun romcom over the weekend and oh gosh, when I tell you I am beaming over the moon! It's absolutely lovely to be lost in a fictional world where love can be everything you want it to be, but of course it sucks when you go back to the real world and realize that you'll never really find anything like that. It's sad but hey, if I can live out that fantasy for at least a few hours through reading, why not, right? I'm also currently reading a very intoxicating book by none other than Taylor Jenkins Reid, and I'm so excited to finish it. I hope I get to be as good a writer like her, lacing my own skills (that I have yet to hone) into the pages that will make readers read every single chapter with absolute scrutiny and joy. I tried writing my short story again today, I'm only halfway done but I had no luck. I'm stuck because I'm on the part where I want my characters to have a conversation, but I suck at writing conversations. It's been tough. I'll try again today.

I also just watched a good movie we were tasked to watch for our Ethics class (my ethics prof has such good taste) and oh boy was it good! It's called "The Farewell" and it delved into the complicated world of familial grief and trauma, which are very relevant to me thank you very much. The dialogues in this film were so realistic and I honestly want to write something as good as that. I hope I get to recite on our Friday class and overcome my social anxiety. I'm also currently into this show called "Atypical"! I think it's nice so far and it depicts a realistic and eye-opening image of people with autism. I guess it's nice that I get to feel excited and happy over the media that I'm consuming, even though I can't say the same for my own life. Still, I have something to look forward to, and sometimes that constitutes everything else.

[wisteriannotes]

October 28, 2022

It's night now. 8:57 in the evening, to be exact. I still feel lonely than ever, and I feel worst because I decided to open up to my friends and I don't know. I guess it just doesn't work when you know they're having the time of their lives? Wow, I really am pathetic. Tried to organize my schedule for the week... which is really something. At least I now have something to look forward to. Well, it's technically uni work so I don't really have a choice. I really do want to be better, by the way. A better person overall, with a better persona and a better mental health. I'll be working on it. The thing is, I don't actually know what I want. Do I want to be loved? Then why do I push those who give me the exact same thing? Do I want to have many friends that I can't count? Then why do I stop responding to everybody after eight in the evening because I'm trying to have an "alone time"? Do I want somebody to care for me, truly, deeply care? I have no idea what I want.

If only I could afford therapy. I really think it would do me some good to talk about my feelings in front of a professional, and sort everything out. Every knot and twist, untangled to find the sore spots and cure them one by one, until they heal and I eventually start to follow. Why does it have to be so expensive? I mean honestly, the society is just locking us up in a cage with depression inside lurking in the shadows, waiting for its vulnerable victim. The only way out is through the only tangible thing people would die for - money. Money can give you the key out of the cage, out into freedom and happiness. Or so the prisoners thought.

It's so hard being delicate and vulnerable. I despise being the most sensitive person somebody has ever met. Not that it equates to weakness, of course not. But I find it so annoying once they look at me like I'm a fragile little thing who will break every damn minute. They look at me not even the way you stare at someone you care about, like you want to shelter them and protect them from all the harms of this fucked up world. No, they look at me like how passing people look at beggars that are people watching; in that pitiful gaze that says, "Oh, you poor thing." Pathetic.

I'm very sleepy, so I guess we could fall asleep easily tonight.

[wisteriannotes]

October 28, 2022

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed that you have this feeling that every single minor inconvenience will fill the brim of your patience and set you off? Well, that's what I'm feeling now. I got a flu shot today so that's probably why my body won't respond accordingly to how I want it to. My left arm where I got the shot is aching badly and I feel like throwing up as every minute pass by. I so despise being sick because I can't be who I want myself to be and it's honestly annoying that taking care of my body is not the first thing that comes to mind whenever I do get sick. I don't want to sleep, I've had loads of those ever since the break started. I only have a few chapters left on Happy Hour, but I keep prolonging it. I don't want to go to social media, it's a total waste. I have tons of movies I haven't finished, but I don't want to watch them either. I want to have a conversation with someone I love, or even just have a long tight hug until I fall asleep in their arms. I can't really do that because the closest I can get to some sort of contact is Mr. Fluffy, my battered stuffed toy I got for my 15th birthday. Or was it my 16th? I honestly just want to call someone and let them stay on the phone until I fall asleep. But I don't have somebody I can do that with. Can you see my dilemma? I think I "protected" my peace too much that I ended up being alone in this lonesome world I call my life. Honestly, pathetic. I now get the people who stay outside as much as they can. Being alone can be so melodramatic sometimes, it sucks.

The fact that it's not even night and I'm writing this entry just proves how lonesome I have become. I need a hug.

[wisteriannotes]

October 27, 2022

I've been having a hard time navigating my life when I'm alone at home with nothing to do, nothing to look forward to, and no one to have a conversation with. Don't get me wrong — I love being alone but these days, the mundane flow of life has been quite exhausting. Real funny because just a week ago, I was looking forward to uni break since that's the only time I get to catch up on reading and watching movies. Still, I find myself wishing that I had something else to do, a reason to get up every morning even though I despise uni work whenever they pile up. Isn't that weird?

Maybe... I'm just lonely. I found a quote today that has been on my mind ever since I've read it. I can't stop thinking about it. It goes something like, "If a relationship doesn't reciprocate the same energy that you pour into it, then it's time to get out of that relationship." I always find myself giving too much of myself when it comes to people, whether it be friendships or relationships. It's not my friends' or partner's fault, I know, because sometimes you just have to keep a part of you to yourself. I can't help it, though. I think I care too much for them because I refuse to do the same for myself. I don't know. I always feel bad whenever I feel like they don't give the same energy that I give them, because I want to be loved like how I give love. Does that make any sense? I know it's my fault for wearing my heart on my sleeve, but can you blame me? Maybe I should just love myself like how I love them but I don't know how. It's so sad. I hope I don't go to another dating app again because I need someone to talk to. They're a complete waste of time, and it's not like I end up caring about somebody I met on the internet anyway.

My head is constantly aching from sleeping too much. When I tend to overthink while reading or listening to music, or when I find myself going to social media and scrolling for hours to kill time, I'd usually turn my phone off and try to sleep. That way, I won't have to pity myself for not having a life that I'm yearning to have. It's honestly so depressing now that I think about it. Every single one of my friends have a life to look forward to, like the chapter where I belong is nearing to an end, but I'm still stuck on the page waiting for them to come back. The truth is, I'm very jealous of the life they're leading. I don't know if I should've said that because jealousy is bad, much more when it's directed towards the people you care about. But I really am jealous, and I don't know what to do about it. The right thing to do is probably something like, Get up! Change your life for the better! Yet I don't have the motivation to do something about all of these. How can I change?

Maybe I'm filled up with trauma and guilt. That's a huge statement to make, a lot to unpack. My hand's aching so this is where it ends, I think.