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It’s been a busy and ridiculous few months, and I haven’t been posting much here because I’ve been overwhelmed. My kidney transplant is delayed because my brother had a kidney stone and they’re no longer certain he can donate at all. It’s a bummer, but we’re still hoping he can in the Spring. Evie is finally potty trained, so we’re pretty glad we don’t have to rush to get her trained before kindergarten, but it was pretty intense for a while there. Andrew was given a school diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder, so he will (hopefully) be starting a new school later this month. He’s been making a lot of progress the last two weeks or so. He’s said a few words (most notably “hi” and “mama”). Apparently he waved at my dad. So he’s getting there, just slowly. He’s still the happiest, cuddliest boy, but has 0 interest in other kids. He started pushing a toy lawnmower around and stuff though, so he’s starting to get the hang of pretend play. We’re really working on his speech, and I want to get him playing with kids in his class. He doesn’t avoid them anymore.. he’ll let them in his space, let them hold his hand, etc. But they talk to him and want to be with him and he just wants to do his own thing. Sometimes I just think if he would just give this 1 little boy a hug it would make his year because the kid adores him. Always wants to be held and carried and tickled… just by adults. His therapists think he knows a lot more than what he can display, and I feel like when he does start talking he’s going to jump into conversations with mommy about space exploration or engineering or something. I’m mostly OK with this new development for Andrew. The only thing that makes me upset/worried is people that don’t understand and don’t care to, and so their kids don’t understand either. I just don’t want other kids to try to make him feel different, because he has so much love to give and he’s so sweet and special. It’s such a strange situation because something about him draws people in. Adults and kids alike just want to be around him. Probably because his temperament is so darn sweet and his smile is infectious. He just makes you happy to be around. And he likes to be in people’s laps and arms… but that also means they want to talk to him and kids want to play which leaves me doing a lot of explaining. Fortunately, at the school he’s going to, there are all sorts of kids with various issues, and many with ASD, so he won’t be the odd man out. He’s just going to be a kid among kids getting a lot of extra support at school. And they’ll test him before kindergarten again, and then monitor his progress so he can transfer into a mainstream school whenever he’s ready. We all have really high hopes that he’ll start talking soon and be able to transition into a regular school within a few years. But I’m so incredibly grateful that he has the opportunity to go to a special school now. It’s a full day program with a teeny tiny student:teacher ratio, and tons of specialists and feeding therapy and all sorts of things. It’s an amazing resource to have available to my sweet Littlest. This past weekend I went to Florida for a few days, but it was a disaster. On Sunday someone broke into my car and stole our purses so we had no money and I didn’t have an ID, which made TSA a blast. Plus Andy is beside himself because he swears my parents changed everything around in the house while he was at work and they had the kids. Which I’m sure to a degree is the truth, but I’m also sure he’s exaggerating. When I got home at midnight last night there was cat vomit on my bed, so I had to sleep on the couch, and he walks in and starts complaining about everything. Clearly I cannot go anywhere. Honestly the kids were happy and well taken care of by Andy when he had them and by my parents when they did. All the drama was just stuff about how different he and my parents do things regarding the house. Hopefully this will be addressed by December when I have to go away for work. My parents will probably just keep the kids at their house since Andy will be working until 11 every single night I’m gone. I don’t know that I have much else to report. Things have been insane. Pictures forthcoming.

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This weekend! We went to a carnival which Evie loved. I have no pictures of Andrew and I on the carousel because Andy hasn't sent them, but he really enjoyed it. He's sick though, and has been cranky and clingy. I enjoyed the baby cuddles, but tomorrow he's going to the doctor. We finally got the fish tank set up, too. He hasn't had a proper living space in a year, so he's freaking out. This week we are getting him a few friends. Oh, and Evie turned 15. Ok not really but she looks like such a big kid!!

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Andy went away for the weekend. He's home and I feel comfort in my soul. It was only 2 days but there's a lot to do. Will never understand how single moms do it.

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Had a way too realistic dream that @crazylittlethingcalledlove was pregnant with triplets.

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Listen to the end of this video. Tell me did not say "all done" then turn around and come back to me.

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Also here is Andrew eating actual food.

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Today I took Andrew to the park. It's hard with Andrew because nothing holds his attention. Right now he's into closing doors and pulling cups out of the cabinet. He still likes Chuggington, but he doesn't watch much tv. He is starting to play with toys more, but there's nothing he really loves, so I always feel bad taking E to movies and lunches and parks and things and… well I don't know what to do with Andrew. He likes the pool, but that's not always an option. Today I decided to keep it simple and we went to the park. He loved it! He loved running, playing with the trees, climbing the stairs… not so much the equipment itself but that's Ok. When we got there he found one piece of mulch that he loved and he carried it everywhere he went. Towards the end he lost it and tried to find a new piece but it wasn't the same :(

Going to kid places with Andrew is such a weird experience. There are always other kids who want to play with him or talk to him, and of course he doesn't pay any attention. He loves adults, but not so much other kids. So today, like most days, a little girl came up to play with him, and I explained to her mom that he has special needs. I have no shame over this, and I don't want other parents to think my kid's being rude. I don't think he has to play with anyone he doesn't want to, but I still don't want him to come off as rude about wanting to play by himself or with me.

The mom said "Oh, he does?" Like she was very surprised. Then she smiled at me and said she liked the little noises he makes (me too, lady). I smiled at her and we went on our way, but it got me really thinking. Right now my son is 2, so everywhere he is, I am. Or he's with people that know and love him. But it's not always going to be that way. What will it be like when he's older and I can't explain things for him? I know he's only 2, and I improving every day. He's really making more eye contact, turning when you call his name, following when I point to things, etc. And I feel like he's getting so close to saying words. I swear I have him on video at the park saying "all done".

Anyway, there's so much to think about with this kid. I think we're pulling him out of his speech program because it's not helping him and we just don't like the program. We're looking into other places, and also he'll start school in late fall or January, so he'll see an SLP every day. I think that will really help him.

I'm glad we got to spend time together today. He really needs me and he needs special mommy time like Evie gets. We have a new game in the car where he throws his toys on the floor and I say "did you do that"!? and he laughs and laughs and throws more toys on the floor. Messy game, but it's got him looking to me for responses and communication :)

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She is so good. My kids are so sweet.

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Mental health exercise - things to look forward to:

1) Fall

2) Florida long weekend

3) Transplant time and feeling better

4) New Orleans!

5) Disney next Fall

6) Christmas season!

7) Meeting my babies and my parents at chick Fil A today. E has never been to the play place!

8) Lunch and movies with Evie and husband tomorrow.

9) All the baby cuddles tonight from my Littlest love.

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Wherein I Ramble Incessantly

It’s been a long and winding, weary road to 35.75 years old. Right now I feel so worn down that it’s tough just to get through every day. It’s not that things are bad... I just want to sleep all the time and let my body recover. It’s a weird thing when your body can’t recover on its own or without serious intervention. No amount of sleep is going to make me feel better, but I always feel like sleep is the answer. We are almost done our testing. My brother has one more day of testing and I have one more test, and then we can schedule surgery. I have periods where I am excited for the chance to finally just rest. The kids will be in school and I can try to recover and get better. Then there are times where I’m just completely terrified of the entire thing. What if when I go under I don’t wake back up? I know thousands and thousands of these operations have been done, but it’s still scary. I have to get my will in order, and make sure Andy is on my life insurance policy, and I want to record a video for the kids. I’m not sure how I’m going to get through it without crying, but I don’t want it to be sad. The truth is, anything could happen at any time, and I want them to have something to look at where I can tell them directly how much they mean to me. Maybe they won’t need it until they’re 50... but it’ll be there.

This whole time I’ve been expected to be losing weight for surgery, and I haven’t lost any. I don’t technically need to, but they said I’d heal better, and I told my brother I’d try, but I keep losing faith in myself and being too tired to prepare things in advance. I’m on my own so much. My parents don’t come over very often, and I feel like a burden whenever I ask them to. It’s not that they’ve said that, I just put a lot of pressure on myself. They’ve been so busy and preoccupied I think it’s easy to forget that the problems I’ve been facing are still here and still taking a toll on me. Andy’s schedule leaves me working all day and then alone all night 4 days a week, which isn’t so bad when you’re functioning on all cylinders, but I haven’t been for a long time. I don’t know how to buckle down and focus when I have about 20 minutes a day to do anything for myself.

I also have no self esteem. Like.. none. I look pregnant and I need a hair cut and I need glasses and I’m uncomfortable in my own skin which I hate. I don’ feel pretty anymore. Maybe it’s my age, but something is different.

My kids are always my saving grace. My heart aches because it’s so full of love. Yesterday Andrew was home with.. whatever looks like hand foot and mouth but has NO symptoms at all. Seriously.. weirdest thing. I had to leave him with Andy to go pick up Evie, and apparently when I left he was walking around completely despondent for like 10 minutes. My poor boy! He loves his momma so much. His sweet little smile melts my soul. And Evie is finally not boycotting mommy again. Andy told me that after I strapped her in this morning and shut the door so they could go to daycare, she said “I’m gonna miss her so much”. That child does not know missing. I just want to hold them close to me all day. I know when I’m feeling better one day I’m going to be so grateful for all the tough moments where it’s just me, because at least I got to be with them and share in their experiences every day. They won’t always be so little.

It’s not that I want to complain. Things are ok, and I am looking forward to next year so much. I have so many plans and things I want to do, and I’m hoping to finally feel better and be able to do them. I have lots of hope and so much I’m thankful for. I’m just tired. And confused.

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So Andrew, who has been an amazing sleeper his entire life, has been making strides this week. Unfortunately strides forward also mean sleep trouble. He’s started playing more with toys - doing puzzles, stacking blocks, etc. He’s eating more foods. And he will. not. sleep. And I became the worst mother ever. At least I feel like it. Every time I put Andrew down to sleep he cries, screams, kicks, etc. And I’ve been letting him. He’s not an infant anymore. He’s two and a half, and he needs to learn that tantrums are not the way to get what he wants. He’s fed, changed, been cuddled. He’s not sick or teething. He just wants to play. If I pick him up, he doesn’t want to be held. He wants to get down and run around. Last night I obliged him because I have a very low tolerance for listening to my kids screaming. By 8:30 he was stumbling around, whining, yawning, and rubbing his eyes, but when i put him in his bed he screamed for 5 solid minutes. So this is when i decided that I have to do what’s best for my kid, and what’s best for him is going to sleep, which he did about 5 minutes after he stopped complaining. I’ve never been a believer in CIO, but I feel like when your kid is closer to 3 than 2, and has had every need met, and is CLEARLY in need of sleep, and doesn’t want anything other than to play... the law has got to be laid down. I’m not happy about it, so I’m confessing it on this blog where i expect to be ridiculed. But I think we’re past the I need mommy sleep place and in tantrum territory. Not cool, Andrew.

#forever the best boy still

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I am planning a trip to Florida sans kids, but I'm having so much guilt about it because I'll also be in the hospital for a while in the fall. But I want to do something fun since I'll be bedridden. Blah.

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My kid is the best. Today he ate real food (kix) and then he picked up a piece of banana, put it in his mouth, chewed, and swallowed. Progress!

#my phone keeps autocorrecting kix to kid. my child is not eating people

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Today Evie talked to real fire fighters at school and they gave her a hat. She may never take it off.

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Casually masculine. Probably.

So this was fun and actually pretty accurate? I got “Casually feminine”