xaudeo

[xaudeo]

today has just been another bad day in a series of kinda okay to bad days and i want to just blame pms but idk if i really can anymore 

i’d just like to imagine it’s not my fault my friends feel so distant from me

i really should probably get help lol

[xaudeo]

tfw you start talking to someone and it’s not even that there’s anything wrong with them they seem perfectly nice they’re just...................................boring

[xaudeo]

sometimes, i wish my brain wasn't the way it was. that i could trust that a single hiccup or down spot in any sort of relationship didn't mean the end. that someone else's pain didn't mean an indifference to me.

in short, i really wish that i could trust that people wanted me around, not for what i could do for them, but because they genuinely enjoy who i am and my existence as a person.

i wonder how i wound up this way. so untrusting. desperately needing to please to feel like someone is going to stick around.

part of me knows, i think. it's hidden in the past i can't remember. the childhood i know nothing precisely about. but how to acknowledge it?

i need professional help. that much is for sure. whether i'll let myself get it is another question entirely.

[xaudeo]

don’t u just hate it when everything feels like a mix of anger and self hatred and u kinda sorta just want to lay down and take a nap but like forever

[xaudeo]

do not tell me what i can and cannot be. i know my issues. i will fix them. all this does is reassure my demons that i am unworthy.

[xaudeo]

i hate how much i thrive on other people’s enthusiasm and rely on it to be excited about my own projects.

like, if someone else isn’t excited about it with me, it feels like it’s not worthy of my time because it’s just some stupid project that only i want to do. and what does it matter what i want to do?

ocs. my altar idea. things fall through because no one else seems enthusiastic enough. because i can’t convince myself my ideas are good without other people’s vigorous approval.

i just wish i had the self confidence to make something just for myself, even if other people don’t seem all that into it.

[xaudeo]

this user has an intense fear of abandonment

[xaudeo]

she’s distant! she’s incoherent! she’s sensitive! she uses escapism as a coping mechanism! she’s me!!!

[xaudeo]

the urge to rip open my arms is back.

the skin feels like it’s vibrating and there’s too much energy and i have to rip it apart to let it out.

i won’t, of course. i know not to do anything. i know scratching up my arms won’t solve this problem.

but the urge to dig my nails into my skin and just rrrrrip is almost overwhelming and i can’t ask anyone for a distraction because i alienated one person and the other person’s having a rough time.

i hate being the most neurotypical. not that i want to be worse. but i’d like to feel like i can talk about things when i’m going through a bad time and not feel like i’m wasting their spoons or anything.

i’m a waste of enough things already.

[xaudeo]

i feel like i’m being pulled in multiple directions at once trying to make everyone happy.

but i also don’t know if i’m just being dumb or sensitive or if i perceive the bare minimum as trying too hard.

idk. this fucking sucks. i don’t know what to do. and i have no one to talk about it with because both people i know and feel like i can confide in turn it back around on me.

maybe it’s a sign. i don’t know. all i know is i hate myself and i’m tired of trying hard and falling through and not being able to do good enough.

i want to do good enough.

i’m just not able to.

[xaudeo]

i hate that i feel like i can’t talk to anyone on the nights i just want to claw my own arms open.

i just want to vent to someone. but their lives are so much worse and they’re going through so much worse shit than i am. who the fuck am i to complain about some fucking drops

[xaudeo]

[xaudeo]

I feel gross and unloved and it's all my fault

[xaudeo]

☀️

[xaudeo]

it's so wild how I literally can't believe I have a usefulness. like I seriously can't believe that someone would want to be around me unless I have a Use for them, like food or money or something. I'm so scared of one day my usefulness to someone disappearing and instead of sticking around me like they promised, like they swore, they'll just... leave. and it's nothing they've done. they deserve my trust. they deserve to not have me second guessing whether or not they actually like me constantly. but my brain can't fucking shut up.

[xaudeo]

two friends: -hang out without me- my shit brain: Ah. They Hate You Now. me: ......ur right.

[xaudeo]

I need to be distracted. I need to keep my hands off of me. I feel like scratching open my skin and I know that's not good