yanpersonal

[yanpersonal]

eating bb

After a really very good day

[yanpersonal]

These days been staying in office till 2-3am

X.X

It’s 1.25AM

Going to MAMA shop to buy maggi goreng 🙂‍↕️

Listening to ‘Great is your faithfulness to me’

Promises by Maverick City Music

Infact, been listening to this song on repeat WHOLE DAY.

Tmr 11am meet my CG mates read

Battlefield of mind book club!!!!!

Then go church watch MATT REDMAN !!!

Then stay till 5-6pm for recording session with MATT REDMAN!!

Yay. Keep listening to him

And watching live.

Honestly can’t stop won’t stop listening to his song

‘Can’t stop Won’t stop’

His sabrina carpenter band members be coming too?

Yayyy

Less than a week ago

I stayed overnight in office

Then went home at like 10pm next day

I was so oily all over

And all along I worked non stop 😅😂

Didnt even have time to listen gossips!!

They were talking and i don’t even time to listen dam

That’s how busy I was!!

The feeling of going home after 36 hours and sleeping is…. good.

Recently going home at 2-3am, and i would try to read till 4am.

Oh God my life.

[yanpersonal]

This is the saddest song in my childhood.

I think I was feeling my mom’s heartbreak of breaking up with my dad or smth.

Her husband, someone she thought she could rely on.

And listening to this song a lot. Cause I was feeling the pain.

(And it was the song I was listening to when my dad found out I used his credit card. During the drive to the bank, and I kept crying cause my heart was already so broken over everything and now I’m in trouble as well.

And when my mom found out she cried and was worried the mistress would look down on her more and her kids etc. and back then when my mom cried, she’d have seizures and I’ll just be at her side calling out for her. Then another shitty day ends.

‘I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)’

‘Chemistry was crazy from the get-go

Neither one of us knew why

We didn't build nothing overnight

'Cause a love like this takes some time

People swore it off as a phase

Said we can't see that

Now from top to bottom

They see that we did that (yes)

It's so true that (yes)

We've been through it (yes)

We got real shit (yes)

See, baby, we been’

‘Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you, baby)

And I'll be waiting up until you get home ('cause I can't sleep without you, baby)’

This part is just sad cause my mom does wait for my dad to get home.

‘Anybody who's ever loved ya know just what I feel

Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it

Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby’

‘I got a question for ya

See I already know the answer

But still I wanna ask you

Would you lie? (No)

Make me cry? (No)

Do somethin' behind my back and then try to cover it up?’

Hurts

‘Well, neither would I, baby

My love is only your love (yes)

I'll be faithful (yes)

I'm for real (yes)

And with us you'll always know the deal

We've been

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you, baby)

And I'll be waiting up until you get home ('cause I can't sleep without you, baby)

Anybody who's ever loved ya know just what I feel

Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it

Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby’

See this is real talk’

‘I'm a always stay (no matter what)

Good or bad (thick and thin)

Right or wrong (all day, everyday)’

That’s my mom i guess.

‘Now if you're down on love, or don't believe

This ain't for you (no, this ain't for you)

And if you got it deep in your heart

And deep down you know that it's true (come on, come on, come on)’

‘Well, let me see you put your hands up (hands up)

(Fellas, tell your lady she's the one)

Fellas, tell your lady she's the one, oh

Put your hands up (hands up)

(Ladies, let him know he's got your love)

Look him right in his eyes and tell him

We've been

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you, baby)

And I'll be waiting up until you get home ('cause I can't sleep without you, baby)

Anybody who's ever loved ya know just what I feel

Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it

Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby’

12 year old me listening to this like 💔

It’s been years of pain and I’m still in pain. Ever since I was born maybe

‘I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you’

Yeah my childhood was FULL of pains.

And i think now it’s continuing to hurt me, my adulthood, lol.

[yanpersonal]

What if I, had a thing on the side

Made you cry?

Would the rules change up or would they still apply?

If I played you like a toy

Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy

‘Can't be getting mad what, you mad?

Can't handle that

Can't be getting mad what, you mad?

Can't handle that’

Gaslighting :(

‘Girl, go ahead and be (just like 'em)

Go run the streets (just like 'em)

Go home, missin' sleep like 'em, creep like 'em

Front wit' your friends

Act hard when you wit' 'em, like 'em

Keep a straight face when you tell a lie

Always keep an airtight alibi

Keep it hid in the dark

What he don't know won't break his heart (hey)’

My dad be secretive all his life and never share anything with me or us.

Come home really late and having affairs.

I lived in the same room as him.

My childhood just him coming back past midnight. And me wondering why this just doesn’t feel right or true at all. But idk what’s right.

‘Wish we could switch up the roles and I could be that

Tell you I love you, but when you call, I never get back

Would you ask them questions like me, like where you be at?

'Cause I'm out, four in the morning on the corner, rolling, doing my own thing’

‘Let the sun beat me home (would you like that?)

Told you I was with my crew when I knew it wasn't true if I act like you (would you like that?)

Walked a mile up in your shoes (would you like that?)

Messing with your head again

Dose of your own medicine’

Does of your medicine is real

‘

If I paged you (would you like that?)

Had friends (would you like that?)

Never call (would you like that?)

No, no, you wouldn't like that, no

What if I, made you cry? Would they still apply?

What if I, if I played you like a toy

Sometimes I wish I did act like a boy’

I basically experienced the worst kind of man with my dad. And like a lot of like. Dose of your medicine thing and. I wish I could act like a boy cause being a woman is painful.

[yanpersonal]

Why I love this song

When I was younger seeing my mom be so heartbroken over my dad.

I wish I’d see her have the strength to shake it off.

‘I gotta shake it off

Cause the lovin' ain't the same, and you keep on playing games

Like you know I'm here to stay’

Yes if someone’s not giving you their 100% just shake them off. Have higher standards.

‘Just like the Calgon commercial, I really gotta get up outta here

And go somewhere’

‘I gotta shake it off

Gotta make that move

Find somebody who appreciates all the love I give’

True, appreciates all the love I got to give 😢

My mom at least

‘Boy, I gotta (I gotta shake, shake you off)

Gotta do what's best for me

Baby, and that means I gotta (shake you off)’

Best for me (my mom :))

I think it’s just the me in me loving my mom a lot and thinking she deserves better than my dad.

‘By the time you get this message, it's gonna be too late

So don't bother paging me 'cause I'll be on my way’

I love this cause woman has so much attitude and so cool (not like sad and crying and helpless like I feel my mom was)

‘See, I grabbed all my diamonds and clothes

Just ask your momma she knows

You're gonna miss me, baby

Hate to say I told you so’

When’s the time WE WOMEN SAY BOY BYE

‘Well, at first I didn't know, but now it's clear to me

You would cheat with all your freaks and lie compulsively’

😢

‘So I packed up my Louis Vuitton

Jumped in your ride and took off

You'll never ever find a girl who loves you more than me’

This just sounds so cool again and attitude I wish my mom had.

‘I found out about a gang of your dirty little deeds

With this one and that one by the pool, on the beach, in the streets

Heard y'all was

Hold up, my phone's breakin' up

I'ma hang up and call the machine right back

I gotta get this off of my mind’

Just me sad over my dad’s cheating. And just wanted to be really cool for my mom and like say boy bye in a really cool way you know?

‘You wasn't worth my time

So, I'm leaving you behind

Yeah, 'cause I need a real love in my life’

Yes

‘Save this recording because I'm never coming back home

Baby, I'm gone (gone), don't ya know?’

YES

And for once, please regret it.

I guess this is my pain of, always wanting to be like Boy Bye, and having this attitude cause it feels like my mom never got the chance to or I never saw her do, which really hurt me. And the little girl in me be like, hurt and really hurt. And really wanting to do this for my mom.

So I’m operating in hurt although it didn’t happen to me, but then again, it FEELS like it already happened and I’m already hurt cause I absorbed A LOT of my mom’s feelings. This is just one part of it. There are so many songs.

[yanpersonal]

Me asking JT: what do this team think of me joining?

JT: since last year there were talks of you coming here cause of your team conflicts.

I think we all prepared or ready.

There were already talks you’d come, but it didn’t happen. Now it just happened lo.

So we all accepting.

And since last time I would also naturally work with them a lot in the same room I’m in now. And the people in the team I felt I was most OK with so. I guess it makes sense and it’s ok.

[yanpersonal]

Things MIGHT even recover in time for Taiwan - which is insane cause I couldn’t even imagine myself going to Taiwan before with the situation like that.

[yanpersonal]

All the self blame for what? Maybe it’s just incompatibility or bad fengshui.

[yanpersonal]

Things have gotten much better somehow after I change team. Idk why. The vibes or the fengshui idk.

But honestly, EVEN with my ex-team. After I change team, I’m in MUCH better relations with them… WHY? Lol.

It’s a good thing. It’s weird. Like some fengshui thing.

In the same team is 100% can’t.

After switch team, slowly back to being friends and OK. And not just with them but with others. I just think it’s a bit weird.

I just feel it like.

Things are just different and idk why!

And glad this new team accepts me now.

Haha and things are much better - quite unexpectedly.

Why unexpected is - when shit hits the fan, like when things are really bad.

Like want to leave the company or be fired. You think the solution. Or change of team is just temporary. Or like will only make things not BAD but okok.

When it was decided - intention is like that - just don’t want things to be bad. Just okok can alrdy.

But somehow the whole fengshui and dynamic just changed IDK WHY STILL.

And I’m not only thriving but slowly doing well!

Weird right? Life is so unexpected. And somethings I don’t understand or can’t guess at times.

Honestly, I thought my relations with ex-team is not repairable. And like, no matter how you try, it JUST doesn’t work. But after change of team, ok alrdy, and relations going back to good… even.

And everything else goes well as well 🤷🏻‍♀️

[yanpersonal]

1. Going to Taiwan 6 May

2. Client just wrote to me say 5th May want meet for signing and payment !!!

3. I will have 5 projects after that signing.

1 doing detail drawings now, beautiful house small v special BTO!

Another is resale HDB, just bought recessed area, move meter, testing, gonna contruct a new main door and wall at recessed area, starting site

Another is a very unique beautiful coastal theme with wood tile floors and like shaker doors kitchen, blues, rattans, subway tile bathroom - beautiful and unique!!

Another is a new condo going very artistic, minimalist, and just beauty aesthetic one.

Now this new one i love the style so much as well! Quite chic, lux and minimalist.

So those are my projects. And my other clients I meet who all rly love me even though not enough budget or smth to appoint me. I’ve received comments like i met 5 IDs so far and so glad to meet you. You are most detailed.

Or like, choose me after meeting 7 IDs etc etc etc.

Or just really appreciate my professionalism and praise me a lot even though never sign.

So happy! I feel like I do well at my job and I’m honestly getting better and better and better.

I’ve run big projects before and with experience I am even more knowledgeable experienced and. 👍🏽

[yanpersonal]

Have some time now so write.

Omo, i didn’t realise how true it is.

Lee was like - you were already hurt.

I didn’t realise I was hurt!

I know I was rly hurt.

But I didn’t realise if I didn’t heal, I would remain hurt.

My dad things really hurt me. But I thought it was hurted. I didn’t realise still hurt.

Then when I met GUY. Just got triggered. So friggin painful.

Very very very painful. All my thoughts pain.

And I was like it’s HIM.

Cause. I felt these feelings regarding him what. And situations involving him.

Then like, I’m like. He - like that like that.

And then Lee said ‘you were already hurt’

And I’m like IDK. I just know it’s true the similarities the things I felt hurt by him was similar almost exact as I felt about my childhood/dad/situation etc.

Then like few days back I was so upset over something about him.

And like I got reminded - I was already hurt in my childhood.

I was upset he wasn’t in my life in the details of my life and he was with someone else and travelling with another and chose another.

And I was like. Frozen in the pain.

And it’s true my dad isn’t in my life, details of my life.

And I just sobbed for maybe 40 minutes regarding that. I didn’t think it even affected me.

I thought I was sad in my childhood, I thought I was over it. Cause I don’t feel anymore.

But I didn’t realise it’s still in me.

So whatever it is I kept sobbing at it.

And I can’t with GUY cause of how my dad betrayed us and me.

Cause when I think of GUY i think of his betrayal.

Cause he is somehow related to my dad in me.

And so, I just keep thinking, it’s true my mom and me we never healed. And my mom never remarried.

And it’s true all those shit. The mistress who should have moved on with another man as well.

And me who lost my dad - someone I’m connected to directly, but actually could’ve had a stepdad to love me.

Then I realised I can be with someone I’m not directly connected to, but he comes into my life with a lot of love.

Then I just feel how much GUY is not in my life and I don’t feel his love and I feel hurt by him (like my dad)

The answer is - why chase after my dad and him?

I can have a step dad. My mom can remarry, mistress can love someone not as a mistress but as the real wife!

And so I realised this is what I needed to do for myself. To give others a chance and move on from GUY.

And it was because of the feeling I felt with GUY. Like he can be my true love. That I’m confused and be like. No I can’t find this connection anywhere else.

And it’s true. Maybe my mom felt the same with my dad. Maybe mistress felt the same with my dad. Idk.

Maybe it felt strange to remarry for my mom.

Maybe I felt connection with my dad.

But my dad has been so empty and rejecting in my life. If another guy comes along who is good, and true, and loving, and healing, why can’t I give him a chance?

Who is single. And I can be the main wife. Not like the mistress.

I don’t have to love on the down low.

Why not prioritise these things that the people before me did not prioritise?

I actly needed a stepdad. Someone I’m not directly connected to but give me a lot of love and healing.

I think that’s what it is for me.

[yanpersonal]

I’m so tired, I feel like sleeping but I have to finish my detail drawings.

Honestly,

[yanpersonal]

Me: when i said yes to it, i didn’t know it was forever

Twinflame looks at me cause he knows i lied 👀

And that’s the only things i lied about

Cause I was sick of the triggers and i thought i could let go of it if it was forever? What?

[yanpersonal]

Cont:

Then he’s like you didn’t drink the lemon barley

And I’m like actly I don’t rly like it

Not lemon barley fam

[yanpersonal]

mayb going thru pain i alredi went through

(Jt handed me lemon barley today - lemon barley gang) still unfinished

Then hours later i didnt touch it.

[yanpersonal]

Upset cause

After dinner with colleagues

I went out.

I rly wanted to cry.

I’m upset. Cause.

I can’t talk to you anymore.

Back then wasn’t even talking but at least.

Talking. Tho it’s rly v stupid.

I came back and I thought things would be fine.

I didn’t know you got married. How could I have predicted it?

I thought things were like in 2019, so I went back ready to face it finally.

But it’s a different scenario. And at first I couldn’t process or believe it.

Then I keep finding out shit.

But I just kept continuing.

Then when I had no chance to talk to you anymore.

And the hearing. You being like that.

That’s really. Idk what to do.

I thought I should go back every 3-6 months to ask you to cancel it.

Then I got upset at A BUNCH of things.

The company trip to Taiwan. Again, my colleague going with her boyfriend.

At desaru when we both mentioned and I told her what are you waiting for? Go find him and they got back together.

But you’re married and rejecting of me.

He’s loving and accepting of her.

Impossible I have to keep facing you when you’re like that right?

No choice, the heart wants what it wants.

And again, it’s awkward and I get to live the sad story, and she happy story.

And it reminds me of 2013 2014, when I told my other friend.

And she also got with her then-boyfriend. Alrdy split up and a few boyfriends LATER.

I still can’t get to you.

It’s same story now with this colleague and I just feel upset cause it reminds me it happened before.

Except it’s worst now.

Where’s my happy ending?

Then I thought of how I got here.

My dad is not in my life as well. He travels with his other family. In secret. I know nothing about his other life. Just like what you’re doing.

And i just needed a daddy in my life but I don’t.

I needed my dad. But was called needy.

My day to day with my dad, travels with him.

He’s with another family. And it’s happening again.

So I just kept crying over me needing you and my dad.

Then think of back then, why would I attack you like that?

Cause I couldn’t take the pain.

And back then it was alrdy painful she even posted pics of both of you, and I was alrdy mad you followed her sis.

And I was mad over that and I told you.

And now you married her and follows her family and extended family.

And spend CNY and holidays with them.

I couldn’t deal with you flirting with her and calling her girlfriend was my fucking limit.

And now you call her wife and told her she’s so affected and you care about her feelings

While I cry and cry for hours and you just don’t care.

And honestly, what else can I do but just cry and feel sad.

I can’t even share all this with you.

That’s why I needed to go in 2019.

And I guess things are still the same.

And honestly, I just have to comfort myself to say someone will love me and treat me right and be there for me when you’re not.

[yanpersonal]

Some drama happen at my office of other ppl

Discussing with colleague

Me: Oh, i also have my own drama

Colleague: what happened

Me: just, 不懂事咯. But now i learn lo.