yellowedbytheblue

[yellowedbytheblue]

Love Letter - April 3rd.

Hey, I’m supposed to write and publish this on April 3rd but sadly, I was too drained that day so, here, on April 7th but let's make it April 3rd. Why? Don’t know if you notice or bot but April 3rd is the day when we started to talk — our talk in WhatsApp, if I may specify. And that day, I have no idea that the talk can be maintained for a year — more than a year.

Here, I wrote this monthly-letter while suddenly thinking about the letter you gave on my birthday.

Do you think I can bottle your love like a clam bottle the ocean? Is it too far-fetched to dream dreams of you and me gazing into eternity? Could we walk across the colorful meadows across the expanse of this beautiful earth? Should we find the end of this world and sit together in silence gazing at the star-studded infinity?

Maybe we can do all of those things and maybe those are just silly little dreams. Maybe these fancies are more suited to younglings in love, not weary folks like us. But maybe, just maybe dreaming and believing in them will get us to a blooming love.

It baffles me how easy it is to fall in love. No, I don’t always mean romantic love per se. Just “love”. There are so many different kinds of love and what an honor to be able to experience some ways of it, if not all. Are all loves equal? I don’t think I know the answer to that. It might also vary from person to person. A lot of you reside in the safest crevices of my heart and soul. It doesn’t matter to me that if you think you're lacking of things or this and that or those and these — you just have my love. No questions asked.

I choose the people I love carefully and when I do you have all of my love. It’s so difficult to explain to someone outside of this space how many beautiful feelings I have been able to form. It is magical to me how people carve their place in my life. It is a joy to experience this.

I have found such fierce, loving, caring people that my heart is constantly overflowing with adoration. I say this genuinely. Recently I was made aware of how much you are actually care for me and I was overwhelmed. Who would’ve thought that support from you would really bring tears to my eyes, but that did happen.

I am but human, and I am of course flawed. I will make mistakes and I am open to learning. I always will be. No one knows everything. I say this because people tend to think that I should be infallible. I am not. Please never think of me in such terms.

That went on a slightly different tangent but came back to the point — “love”.

I love you,

As the sun kisses the winter morn away — as the warm coffee consecrates cold lips — as the forlorn grey skies heavy with rain — as the scorched earth receives showers — as the cold burrows itself into your skin — as the flowers bloom every spring.

I love you, it’s so good to meet someone who makes me look at my day feeling it’s livable and my heart livelier.

[yellowedbytheblue]

we often express the love with “I love you” a lot, but what exactly does that mean, for you?

if i had to answer the question with one sentence, to me, love is: ears to listen, hands to hold, and heart to understand.

your heart, even if you know how fragile it is in this world, when you have so much of someone in your heart and are freely giving them your heart, you still want to entrust them with it. when someone makes you feel warm inside every time they’re just being themselves around you, when they give you warmth, and when they care about your well-being, you can’t help but lean on them.

others frequently call and make fun of those who are in love. but again, despite all of that, they want because they are willing, they actually knew what they were choosing or getting themselves into. to be there for each other even when things turned hard.

when I love someone, all I want to do is wish them happiness and forgive them, no matter how badly they have wronged me, even when my heart is no longer able to bear it. I pray that nothing’s bad fall upon them, and want to take their pain instead.

when you like someone, you do so because you enjoy certain things about them; yet, when you love someone, you do so despite those qualities.

to love and be loved requires a great deal of courage, and anyone who was given such chances is, in my opinion, the luckiest person alive.

and, I'm grateful I can feel the love for you.

notice how I still put love instead of loved? may March bless us with better fate.

I love you.

[yellowedbytheblue]

These days I’ve been realizing how humans spend all their lives picking up pieces of themselves. Don’t dim the lights, I’m sitting on the cold marble hugging my knees and tracing where my body could’ve been. Teach me how to breathe while you count the creases on my palm. How long do I have left?

Let me tell you again how humans have to lose everything they own to feel like themselves. Let me tell you again and again how breathing is all we ever do, yet something we always forget how to do.

Some days I wonder if it’s wrong for me to crown you with the words that I do — solace, respite, hope, home. I wonder if they would weigh you down as all the other ones of a big, scary magnitude do, and would never want to add the weight of a single feather to everything you already carry on your back. But then I think of how every word you use for us buoys me just enough to keep my head above water on most days. I think about how I’ve only ever wanted to hold enough light in my palms to be mistaken for a faint, pulsing star, and how you smiled, shook your heads, and folded my hands into yours, trembling and all, and told me that I could be an entire universe instead.

So, thank you, and I love you - for folding up a paper boat for my waterlogged life and drawing a smiley face on the bow sails to keep me company while I float on a peninsula of faded space beyond the horizons. I’d ask you to promise me that you’ll still be here when I finally find how to breathe properly. And isn’t it wonderful, to have someone asking you to lean on them when you can barely even see how weary your shoulders, head, and legs feel yourself? isn’t it wonderful, to have someone willing to walk with you to the other side, and not just wait for you somewhere beyond it where your breath catches?

[yellowedbytheblue]

To you, the V

Things happen in life that lead us to lose ourselves, and the way you’ve lost yourself is unbearably awful. I miss your grin and the way your eyes would light up the room just by laughing. I miss the way you embraced yourself in the mirror without berating yourself for how unattractive you were. I miss the way you didn’t consider yourself a failure since we all make errors, have flaws, and aren’t flawless.

You have no idea how much of an influence you have on the world, and it’s awful to witness your demons fighting against you and attempting to take control of you.

Because you do make a difference; it can be as simple as a small smile from your lips, the way you look at things you’re passionate about, the way you force yourself to eat even if it’s been difficult for you lately, the way you zoom out and go in your own world; you brighten up my world by reading this; it means a lot to me that you’re here, existing; however, I don’t want you to just exist; you deserve to feel alive.

You deserve to feel good about yourself when you get up in the morning. You have earned the right to feel something — to feel every single second of your existence.

You’re not a horrible person for keeping your distance from others, but you deserve someone to talk to and listen to you. You may tell me what’s wrong because I’m listening. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

Something on the ground is tugging at your heartstrings, and no one seems to grasp how misunderstood you are. Knowing that I am behind a screen most of the times and unable to hold you is sad, but I will give you a big hug and send you loads of love.

You are significant. You are deserving. You are cherished. You are deserving of nice things.

You are deserving of someone’s attention. You have earned the right to eat and drink. You have the right to be happy and alive. You have earned the right to grin. You are deserving of a hug. You deserve to be all you want to be because you deserve to have wonderful things happen to you and to live a happy life. I know I don’t know you personally, but I care deeply about you.

I’m writing because I want you to stay here with me long, the longest, because you mean so much to me, and I’m not going to let you give up on yourself. I want you to understand that you do deserve good things and that you should not give up on yourself.

Look back at the hopeful eyes you once had, at the dreams you once had. Don’t let yourself down; you are deserving of more. We’ll fight together, and I’ll fight for you. I’m not going to let those monsters get the best of you.

When you’re feeling lonely, look up to the sky; it’s where I always think about you. Yes, you, because it makes me happy to know that someone is gazing back at me; we may not be able to see each other often, but I can sense your presence here with me, and that’s enough for me; I’m pleased your heart is beating and you’re still fighting.

You’re a lot stronger than you believe; you didn’t choose to abandon your place on this planet; you belong here, even if it doesn’t seem like it; when you don’t feel like belonging, construct your own home here, filling it with all your love and desires.

When you’re feeling lonely, imagine yourself as a star; you shine because your heart is good, no matter what mistakes you’ve made or the mistakes you’ve made in the past; you’re one of the stars that shine brightly in the universe because your heart is beautiful, which is why the demons in your mind want it.

Have a wonderful day, a wonderful month, and a wonderful year, Virleon.

I adore you and am really proud of you; I hope you remember my words.

I love you as much as you can’t imagine, I love you as sincerely as you can feel, and I love you even though one day time really separates us.

[yellowedbytheblue]

Idly Confession; How it Begin.

I know it’s been difficult for you, and it makes me sad that you don’t see yourself the way I do. I wrote this casually (I treated this a my journal but it's about you). You might or might not curious about how my eyes saw you at first; but here, let me show you the approx. 3 years untold thought.

I still remember our very first met (is it? I kinda get mixed up), is it Peace Walk? When we randomly dragged by a random guy who asked us to be captured for their campaign? Yes, you caught my eyes from the start. You, through my lens, was a very smiley tall person - and obviously, very friendly. You greeted me with your huge HUGE smile and I remember how you grip my hands, kekencengan bang.. But, I'm sorry guess 1 hour later I forgot your name...

The second was Social Canteen? The Welcoming Party one when the attire was white? You intended to greet Ariska only, if I'm not mistaken. But we happened to meet again - and you remember me! ME, TOO, AS WELL, remember you but as a person, not your name. Hence, for the second time, kita kenalan lagi lol I'm so sorry? We happened to ate on the same table and idk I started to observe you from that. Lucu banget, kamu lucu from the start, Acil.

Third one, SYC; the iconic one. To be very honest, from what I remember, I didn't notice your existence at all (I'm deeply sorry about this) until the last day of SYC and that's pretty questionable and concerning on how I didn't aware with my surroundings. Well, a lesson learned. Right before our name called, I told Ariska "anjir jelek banget tu gombalannya gw merinding,, siapa orang tidak beruntung itu" TAUNYA GW dan elu. And at that point, I totally remembered you - "oh, ini kan the one from peace walk that I like.. dia ikut SYC juga? since when?" my head went blank; full of "lah sejak kapan dia join SYC" hence I couldn't function properly at that time - if you remember. But thank you, for asking me to took a photo together. You don't know how delighted actually I am.

Time flew, we grew as acquaintance. I was still having a big curiosity on you, and was hoping someday we have a chance to talk.

And,

Heard a great news from you, I was very happy for you, genuinely. Therefore, I put the curiosity aside, I put the adoration towards you aside, I put all the inappropriate feelings I felt that time aside.

I forgot the details when we talk in TD Clinic, or the synergize we had in our manager time (I erase all of the memories happened in my Khansa's victim era), so, allow me to let this slide.

April, 2023. And you didn't change a bit. You are still you, the smiling friendly sunshine talkative humble tall person I met on Peace Walk. I said this before but let me say this for the 3rd time; thank you for carrying the conversation. I didn't have any single idea crossed in my head that we will go out for the second time, or even for the 9357928347 time. Nothing crossed in my head as well that we will gonna exchange 'hi' and converse literally everyday. Things went in an unexpected way and I'm grateful that I finally have a chance to get to know you. Although, the fact, you're more than your facade, you're more than 'the smiling friendly sunshine talkative humble tall person I met on Peace Walk' - and it piques my interest.

I.. don't know since when I realize that I still left my likings and adoration towards you, I totally have no idea, really. I thought it's all completely over. I know, this is cruel, but it's inevitable. I know I shouldn't feeling like this at the first place but I am, feeling like this. I blame myself tons of times but it didn't get any better as well. It grows, and still growing up until this second.

Remember that I told you several times; terima kasih untuk ruang berpendapatnya. I really meant it. It suffocates me whenever I miss you but I couldn't tell you. It suffocates me when I have a lot of loves but I couldn't express it to you.

Thank you, for everything that unexpectedly happened. I'm sorry, for the selfishness that exist within me. And I sincerely ask for your apology, for everything that probably messed up because of me.

Thank you for being a person and letting me to feel these kind of emotions; the joy, the excited feeling, the happiness, the sadness, the pain. I appreciate and I cherish them all, as much as I cherish you. So, I hope you won't put the excessive worries on me.

Reciting from a song called My Favourite Clothes; I fear the day might come that I will see you with her. As much as it hurts me in the feels, I hope she holds your hand. I pray to God that you live happily, appreciate yourself.

Well, you're the greatest I could ask for. I don't think I could ever find someone like you though and it kills me. I truly wished you could see how precious you are and how capable you are. I wish you can see yourself through my lens.

[yellowedbytheblue]

Apparently years ago, on January 14th 2001, the angels and God got together and finally decided to mold a beautiful human with warmest heart, sweetest smile, toughest shoulders and great personality. You. I bet you’re the blessing for your family, you’re the love of the family, you’re their bundle of joy that brings smiles into their life until today. A big thank you for your mom for giving birth to a great man like you, for raising you well until you become this present you.

blow out your candles, my love. here’s another year of tender radiance and an abundance of hope

Thank you for being born. I believe you’re here for a reason even though you might don’t know what exactly that is. Thank you for being you, thank you for bring so much happiness and joy into this life especially mine. You’re such an amazing person that I believe I won’t find someone like you since you’re the one and only, with your heart and personality.

As you grew up, you may have learned to squeeze anger down your throat, growing a knot the size of a pomegranate. But the pomegranate still grows, right? And one day the knot broke, the skin burst. Red seeds shoot out of your tongue and split open on the surface. All that’s left is the anger that comes out of you and the red splattered on the white walls that were once clean. I guess what I’m trying to say is that none of this is okay.

It doesn’t matter.

They say regret lurks in the deepest corners of your heart, in the innermost arches of your ears, under your fingernails, in the crooks of your neck, inside your cuticles and gums, veiled under that thing called ecstasy. I wrote this story for your youth learning how to live. I will hold your hand and keep saying it’s okay. How hard it is to silence the beating heart, how hard it is to silence the silent voice, “the sky is turning a different shade of grey, and I’m afraid that even the world that created me doesn’t want to cling to someone like me”.

I swear, I love you.

I don’t want you to feel regret. I want to hug you to make sure you succeed in making sacrifices, to touch every fingertip and show that you have been completely devoured until now you are embracing happiness.

I know you have cried, sometimes walking the wrong path. But honey, after the darkness of the past, a new fiction of your life is revealed, where you have personified your fear into an extraordinary power. You have formed an incomplete phrase, into a poem that is as warm as a glance. I hope you can extend a little more grace and forgiveness while keeping your head tilted toward the light. There will always be time to see the flowers bloom at sunset. Live to the fullest, ya. Live happily.

Thank you, please stay alive.

Thank you for staying alive until today. I believe there are days when you wanted to give up because you’re tired. It’s really okay to feel that, you’ve worked so hard, you must be really tired of it. I just wish you can find hope in every passing day, even just a glimmer of it. I pray for you to get proper rest, I pray no tears in your dreams every night. May God bless your sleep every night so you can face sunrise with a smile on your face. May your blankets always feel warm, both sides of your pillow are cold, and may you wake up without heavy feelings on your chest.

I’m praying for your happiness. I hope you’ll be happy, in every aspect of your life. May happiness and joy will always follow you in your life’s path. Even until now, when I write this letter, I'm still proud of you and will always be.

Thank you for existing. Thank you for the warm love. Thank you, because of you I learned a lot. Thank you so much, you really mean a lot to me. Thank you for everything. May Lord bless you and keep you and also give you peace wherever you go. Happy birthday, Virleon.