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friday, november 4th, 2022
i'll be real i don't remember much specific i just know i kept rapidly drifting in and out of consciousness and waking up with an even sorer throat each time. i've been using this one app that interrupts me when instinctively opening twitter to let me reconsider things but i had to get rid of that being bedridden and unable to do much else. i honestly hoped i'd at least be spared the snifflies but they came out full force.
i remember playing vampire survivors for a while to try to distract myself, or maybe that was on thursday. whatever it was the right kind of mindless video gamey garbage i needed but eventually my throat go so bad all i wanted to do was focus entirely on trying to make it less painful. every time i woke up, because my nose was either kind of stuffy or i'd have a tissue wedged in there, my mouth was totally agape and dry and i'd been drooling everywhere, terrified to move and find out how much worse my throat was. i think i went through more lozenges than the packaging instructed, i was kind of living in a timeless void for a while where there was only feel chilly, drool, swallow and feel pain.
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thursday, november 3rd, 2022
buhhhh.....writing this on the evening on the 5th because i have covid and have felt too death to attempt to write anything. i woke up with what i thought would be an impossible sore throat, but november 5th me is here to say you ain't seen nothin yet homie! i managed to crawl out of my coffin to go look for a covid test. tesco didn't have them and neither did the first pharmacy i went to which had me worried that pharmacies just for some reason don't have covid tests anymore. i also couldn't order one because i only had cash, which is unfortunate for someone with covid. i found one though and took it, and i was worried i wasn't poking my brain thoroughly enough to get reliable results and i'd have to buy another one.
i got lunch and my appetite was just gone there was nothing i could hardly finish a sandwich. i had toast later on and it just tasted like cardboard, my sense of taste wasn't gone because i think that's not omicron but the toast just tasted bad. i set my radiator to max temperature and put on four or five layers of clothing, and i was still chilly. i think i feel worse when i lie down for a while except i would very much like to lie down for a week straight. very funny that the first time i ever go to a bar club type scene i immediately get covid for the first time, it's a good warning not to do that again. i do wonder if i'm meant to have been getting boosters, i can't remember how many shots i've gotten.
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wednesday, november 2nd, 2022
i need to not wake up and immediately take concerta anymore hoping it’ll get me out of bed easier because my appetite is just nonexistent as a result. woke up to find the two pc part deliveries from DPD were being returned to sender even though i was told yesterday they would try redelivery that day, which is cool. also one of them for some reason can’t just reship it i instead have to wait for a refund to come through so i can reorder it. i was sat in bed for a long time trying to deal with deliveries and waiting on live chats. it’s not like i wasn’t expecting anything like this to happen, i knew for a fact i would be playing sonic frontiers on low settings for a while.
had a pretty bad cough today…definitely thought i got sick from that club. my throat was pretty sore by the time i went to bed, at some point i need to make sure i have medicine for everything because i don’t have any lozenges. i played more sims 4 for a few hours, thinking about how i was bought the first game as a kid to “teach me about life”, and immediately my sim loosely based on me was disliked by everyone they tried to talk to. that’s a good warning i suppose. watching it actually take up hobbies and go to work and everything i eventually thought…man i should just be doing this stuff for real, watching a fake video game version of me do the things i wanna do instead of actually doing them is like parody at this point.
incredible resistance to reading! i get all too aware how lonely and anxious i start to feel when the sun goes down, and now that happens by 5 so if i continue being a baby i will never give myself an opportunity to read. all i could think to do was keep a somewhat active discord server open so it felt like there were people nearby on my silly little screen so i wouldn’t feel completely isolated. my next excuse to not read was thinking about if it would be better to buy physical books instead of being able to download every ebook for free, because it might motivate me to read them more and it would just feel better. i thought, the idea of picking up an actual book next to me to flip through was way more appealing than picking up my ipad, then i remembered i had the same reasoning when i bought the ipad with regard to drawing vs using my graphics tablet - “being able to absentmindedly pick up my ipad whenever to draw sounds way more appealing” but it’s not like i do that anymore. it’s also not like it would be at all financially viable, or storagespacely viable. i don’t know i don’t like the paradox of choice afforded to me by pirating ebooks.
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tuesday, november 1st, 2022
got less than four hours of sleep and somehow managed to make it the whole day without giving into a bottle of caffeine pills. some computer parts arrived, one driver made zero effort to even approach my building and my DPD profile now simply says “CALL [NUMBER]” in the instructions, safe place and residency photo sections. live chat said they’d attempt another delivery later on in the day but they never did. part of me was glad i didn’t have to step outside so early because my shoes were still soaked and dirty, i used the last of my detergent on cleaning them then couldn’t buy more to clean anymore clothes because i now have negative money. that is until hours later when i realized there is cash in my wallet, and the whole time i was thinking mmm i really need to go into town to deposit this money so i can spend it. i might be stupid.
i’ve decided i’m gonna go physical with this journal soon. i looked into some ways to get my whole tumblr printed as a book but none of them seemed to be working. i want to start caring more about writing but the way i go about it now just makes it feel way too laborious. i want a little physical book i can take out and just relax while writing in whenever i’m thinking about something, instead of putting it all off till the next day and struggling to remember any fleeting thoughts. i don’t want to ever feel “done” for the day, that there’s journaling time that i have to do quickly and then move on and live my next day. then i started thinking about how it could potentially make my ocd worse by feeling like i have to write everything down every thought instead of just the bigger things that happened throughout the day. i want to practice differentiating what’s worth writing about and what isn’t, and focus on writing about things i could maybe kind of learn from instead of “today i went shopping but my shoes were kinda wet so i wore two pairs of socks”. ok dude glad i can remember that happened.
i need to tackle my ocd with journaling too, i didn’t want to start on a random day and i wanted to specifically have “a 2023 book” and “a 2024 book”, but then what if i want to change the format in some way and i run out of pages. i looked into “refillable” journals but mm they look goofy. the only way i could be sure i wouldn’t run out of space is if i bought one with way too many pages and was not viable to carry around with me, or one with a specific amount of pages but i had to very strictly only use one page a day plus one a week for something or else, or something like that. looking online even among the communities who are super into journaling they’ll be like “journaled every day for three years straight!” and it’s a photo of like 9 different books all completely different in size. could find hardly any talk about wanting to be all uniform with it like i do so maybe i’m just stupid. i don’t know having several different journals that are marked as “7 nov 2022 - 23 feb 2023”, “24 feb 2023 - 15 may 2023” etc feels super bothersome to me. but i gotta learn to be okay with these kinds of imperfections that aren’t even really imperfections, like it’s all there it’s correct there’s nothing “wrong” about it. whatever, i’ll probably change how i like to journal a lot over time anyway, and all that means is it’ll accurately reflect my attitude towards it at each point in time which is the whole point of a journal!!! that’s also part of the reason i want to go physical instead, i can be so much more personal with how i do it instead of being confined to a tumblr blog.
i don’t think i did much today besides obsess over my obsessions and obsess over journaling and journal about my obsessions and journal about journaling. i downloaded sims 4 because i was feeling nostalgic over the first one and 4 is apparently free now so why not, then i got into character customization and was immediately overwhelmed, like oh that’s right i don’t actually care enough to go through this right now. i remembered thinking when i write about this there’s a learnable thought i should talk about since that’s the kind of journaling i want to focus on from now on, and i can’t remember what i came up with. uhh i don’t like super in-depth character creators because i get overwhelmed easily, because of my uhhh trauma or whatever, i will learn from this for 2023.
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monday, october 31st, 2022
halloweeeen and i really wanted to do something, anything at all. i didn’t have any kind of costume prepared so i thought the most i’d do is get drunk and walk around for a while looking at peoples’ costumes. i started looking into nearby clubs even though i would have felt impossibly lame not being in a costume but maybe there’d be something i could quickly buy and put on on the way there, even a mask or blood or something. i bought a ticket to a place in manchester to lock myself in, no going back, forcing myself to go out and have fun, even though i could have just not gone and it was only £4 which is a drop in the bucket compared to recent, expenditure.
went on live chat with DPD and O2 trying to make sure my things would actually get delivered tomorrow and also to finally look into the weird mobile data problem i’ve been having this year, since it could be very problematic that night. they told me to try out different settings to test out my phone and get back to them, i had to explain several times that that would mean spending a good deal of time outside and that it would take a while for me to get back to them. thought they finally understood, went out to test out settings, came back and they’d ended the chat. whatever it doesn’t seem to happen in certain areas anyway best just hope manchester is one of them. was very anxious afterwards! had some drinks and tried to relax playing wow before i had to leave.
think i was already reaching the depressed stage of Drunk on the way there. it was raining hard, i was getting tired on the train and i was pretty shaky. it was pouring and my bladder was going to burst so there went any plan to maybe look around for something to put on while i was out. then i got even shakier and anxiouser about how wet i was and if it’d cause a problem, i just hid under a very tight arch in a wall for like 20 minutes subtly trying to shake myself off. i was definitely too sober by this point and i didn’t want to spend much more while i was in there (i did) (a lot) (i didn’t realize how stupid expensive drinks were).
honestly what was going through my head most of the time i was there was 1000 different thought and feelings i just wanted to sit down and write about, but now i am and i don’t remember and i wasn’t going to take my phone out every 10 seconds to jot something down. i just remember generally having a good time even though i was alone the whole night, save for a few very brief interactions. not that i got super drunk so i don’t remember it’s just they were all very fleeting thoughts i would have needed to catch in a bottle like lightning to really take the time to explore. i felt stupid dancing, i felt cringe, but i felt free. i’m slowly learning to accept that i am very obviously and outwardly a loser weirdo who doesn’t get it, instead of using that as a reason to never do anything or talk to anyone, which is hopefully a step towards becoming a normal person at some point. my initial goal was simply to go out to a club and exist there for an extended period of time, but i had to keep stopping myself from moving that goalpost and feeling disappointed that i couldn’t socialize more. baby steps, i’m definitely doing this again anyway. a guy super came onto me. a girl asked if i was gay then asked if we could be best friends and hugged me then i didn’t see her again. actually i think what quickly plunged me into having a good time was seeing two guys dressed as walt and jesse and laughing really hard.
this night was intended to be a learning experience, and a big lesson i learned was if i’m travelling to manchester to go to a club, do not stay there until 3am. by the time i got to the station i had to wait another two hours for the first train of the day and i was freezing cold and my legs were hurting. i walked around for a while and kept stepping in puddles so i was real wet too, of course it was still raining. i have no idea how my clothes got so dirty. strangely enough my knees weren’t hurting like usual? not a noticeable amount anyway. like they were hurting but in the normal “i’ve been walking around for hours” way and not the “there is clearly something anatomically dysfunctional about my knee” way. boy was i glad to be home and excited to get four hours of sleep at most, or more if when i wake i impulsively decide i’ll get my life together on the 7th instead.
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sunday, october 30th, 2022
woke up watching slots continue to spin while i’m just lying in bed. my god how empty i felt. i left it on because there was a wagering requirement and i think by the end of it i was up about £20 but of course i kept going until i lost it all. assuming the money i couldn’t withdraw will just stay stuck in limbo i had about £200 left. “i need to read” i wrote here, but i never got around to it even though it’s what i need to do most right now. it gets dark quickly now and i always feel too anxious to sit quietly alone with my thoughts for an extended period of time. there also weren’t people partying outside tonight so that made things worse, just existing somewhat near other people will help me not feel like i’m going insane.
bunch of computer part deliveries got missed again but not on purpose this time, just because of course they were going to be missed. i never don’t have to jump through tons of hoops to get DPD to actually deliver my things and i’ve got so many different deliveries that when i get around to really needing this stuff there’s no way it’s gonna go smoothly. calling it now there will be at least one delivery that takes a good few weeks of calling several different numbers to try to have delivered properly. if i don’t have everything ready by the time sonic frontiers comes out i will die. starting to regret not staying in move-out mode how nice would it be to be done with all this.
it’s wild how rapidly i switch between really wanting to take care of myself and not caring in the slightest. when i’d only lost a hundred or two it was like okay, now i have that kick in the pants but now that i’ve thrown away almost everything it’s like i’m too confused about how to feel. logically i should be more determined to make up for it than ever but also lying down and not doing anything feel like i’m dying the end no point everything is bad. it’s too close to the beginning of a month for me to physically be able to get myself out of bed anyway, at which point it’ll probably turn into “it’s too close to me being 24”, and then it’ll be “it’s too close to a new year”. i got takeout why the hell not my perception of money is warped enough that i can’t care to be responsible. i preordered sonic frontiers as well just in case i dig myself even deeper and can’t even afford that. so now i have i don’t want to think about it amount of money left.
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saturday, october 29th, 2022
i stayed in bed until four ignoring all my computer part deliveries, dreading having to get up and write two long journal posts about how i’m actively ruining my life. i just took caffeine and not concerta, and i don’t know if the only reason it’s not making me noticeably irritable is because i am just not doing anything that requires any attention. i’m too worried about staying up too late if i take concerta, even though i ended up going to bed at 6am.
picked up my guitar for the first time in probably weeks, really let my fingers soften. i just messed around for a bit while waiting for my phone to charge because i felt like going for a long late-night walk. a few minutes after i’d left i got a call for amazon delivery so i quickly had to run back while explaining that i was running back to someone i could not understand and couldn’t tell if they understood that i was running back. got sweatier than i’d planned but i miss running, and i know that if i’d done anymore my knees would have quickly gotten bad again. i really need to follow up on that physio referral or i’m just going to be perpetually requesting my gym membership be put on hold, and also all the innumerable other downsides to physically not being able to exercise.
i just put “here i go again” in my notes, i don’t even remember what triggers me to start gambling it’s like there’s just a bit blur in my memory where i come out of it a lot of money lighter. i think at one point i’d turned £100 into around £250 but i just, kept going until it was all gone. the clocks went back and i was glad because it meant i could stay up watching slots go on longer and lose even more money. i went to sleep eventually with it still automatically spinning in the background until i could complete a wagering requirement. feel so empty writing this out, can’t even make an effort to sprinkle in some regret into the tone of my writing because i get it at this point. what am i gonna say that i haven’t said a thousand times. i’m just here to chronicle how bad it gets.
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friday, october 28th, 2022
all just kind of blended together. it’s another case of 1000 thoughts going through my head at all times the entire day and having none of it written down, all i can do is reflect on the absolute mess this day was overall.
i gambled all day i don’t know what else to say. i don’t remember what sparked it after ordering my pc, i don’t remember when, i just know i took caffeine in the middle of the night to stay up watching slots spin for hours and hours. i was fully intent on throwing it all away, hitting up each site for its welcome bonus and throwing away £100 then moving onto the rest. i put all my money into bitcoin in one point for that nice little mental disconnect between me and my money to help me with my goal of completely ruining myself financially. the whole thing i couldn’t believe i was still going, it just got worse and worse.
there were three sites i made a profit on, and hypothetically if i were able to withdraw from all of them without issue i think i would only be down around £100-150 from yesterday overall which i would be totally okay with as long as i could get out of this once and for all. unfortunately one of them cancelled my withdrawal request and asked for identity verification, and i’m accessing that site with a vpn because it does not allowed people in the united kingdom so i think they legally will just be able to keep my £200. maybe if i ask reeeally really nicely and promise not to do it again they’ll at least give my initial £100 deposit back…. another site i don’t know if explicitly didn’t allow people from the uk, they just cancelled my withdrawal asking to do it again “without a vpn”. i would love to not have to deal with any of this anymore and cut my losses. at least the biggest site that i turned $120 into $520 on let me withdraw without any problems. i had to force myself to stop because there was no bonus there, i was at around $600 at one point in fact but it was always “just one more big win and i’ll stop”. it seems like that’s always how it is.
don’t know what to say that i haven’t said in a dozen different posts at this point, i have a gambling problem and i wish i didn’t, i’ll post about how i don’t want to do it again hoping that’ll motivate me not to but it won’t. i wish i hadn’t gotten drunk the other day and found out how easy it was to get around gamstop. i think i’m at least quickly running out of sites that aren’t probably scams or that i can withdraw from without verification. i remember being in a really good mood when i went to bed though i think? maybe i was just going jokermode but that was nice. i’ve definitely been momentarily forgetting that money is not everything but i’m also the kind of person who’ll use that as an excuse to throw it all away. it also is kind of everything when my life is riddled with problems that would be solved by having some more money.
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thursday, october 27th, 2022
this is a weird one i’ve been dreading writing because it’s the 29th right now and i was up all through the 28th. i need to transition to each entry being written on the day instead of it just indicating the day it’s about because how i’m feeling about my day right now is a hell of a lot different from two days ago. even writing that i’m thinking that should be on the 29th entry because i’m thinking it Now due to circumstances.
even though i went to sleep hoping i never feel like gambling again, immediately upon waking up and being in my dumb babybrain half-asleep state all i could think of was thos Slot’s. i turned off my alarm then went back sleep and only got up because of a wet dream. i felt like the brief motivation i had when i’d lost a lot of money was gone now that i’d made it back and more. but luckily there was a fix for this! read on to find out…
i spent a while looking for an apartment because i’d decided to switch to full moving-out mode and putting off the new computer for now. i want a place comfortable in manchester that doesn’t look like it’s about to fall apart but i couldn’t find one that was under my £550 universal credit limit. felt very stressed thinking about all this and also my headdd has been going crazy itchy every day, i took an annoyed shower then just floated around for a while feeling irritated not knowing what to do. unfortunately what i then decided to do was look at some emails from all those casino sites i’d signed up for.
free spins offer on one site that seems risk-free, what’s the harm there is none. just like there was no harm in sticking to matched betting even if it exposed me to the casinos right. as well a know i am very capable of acting rationally and logically when it comes to these things. yes it was risk free i think but it still required a deposit and i kept going after losing the bonus and lost £100. the thing that felt the worst about it is learning that this is really just going to keep happening no matter how strongly i feel “never again”, as long as i don’t put a lot of work into fixing my brain or getting therapy. could’t even fall back on my usual solace of “at least i’m still up overall” because now i was just scared if myself.
so that was the aforementioned motivation “fix” because now i was back out of moving out mode and into buying a computer mode. don’t know how much i spent overall, around £1k, a lot of the links on pcpartpicker weren’t accurate and honestly i didn’t feel much like keeping perfect track of my expenses right now. the biggest pain was trying to find an affordable motherboard because i didn’t know exactly what to look for, i think the one i ended up going with had some kind of usb incompatibility with the case that i don’t know if is a big deal but whatever. anything to not go with another red/black one because i am sick of seeing that color combination on my computer. i do not want to see the lava dragon anymore i do not want to be gaming that hard. i’m more excited to put it all together than to have a new computer finally because it’ll be a thing that i’ll get into and be motivated and everything and maybe it’ll carry over into other things after i’m done but it won’t and the first thing i’ll do is stare at twitter for hours, enhanced.
i don’t quite remember how it happened after that because i didn’t write anything that night or all of the next day and i don’t even know when to move onto the next post exactly because it
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wednesday, october 26th, 2022
alright so. in the middle of writing the part of yesterday’s journal where i got up to gamble in the middle of writing about gambling, i again got up to gamble. let’s hope that doesn’t become pavlovian. i couldn’t find any other sites that i could be at least hopeful wasn’t a scam so i resorted to an overseas crypto casino i had to use a vpn to access, which i assumed meant i’d have to jump through hoops to make payments work. i initially threw away another £100 on this site, feeling completely out of control of my actions, and said yeah i’m probably okay with draining my whole bank account today it’d be a nice fresh start, which again is probably the dumbest thought that’s ever crossed my mind, and i knew that at the time even while thinking it. i deposited another £100 and then things all turned around.
i don’t even know where to begin really, i didn’t write down anything during the many hours i spent on this one slot, starving but not wanting to pull myself away from it until i hit this bonus wagering requirement. the whole site was in bitcoin but, an abbreviated version that i guess isn’t standard so i could not find anywhere online that could convert for me so i actually knew how much i was betting and winning. there was this one slot that was weirdly nice to me, i did not deserve it in the slightest but it was putting big numbers in front of me consistently. i think one spin won me 27 thousand somethingbitcoins which again i couldn’t tell how much it really was i just knew it was a hell of a lot more than i had to begin with. i eventually started having auto-spin and immediate results on all the time because that was the only way i would ever be able to get through the wagering requirement in a day since the maximum bet for the bonus was really low, i think.
i’d seen this before though, make a pretty amount about midway through the wagering so it seems like there’s hope i can make it through to the end then it all just comes crashing down before i get there. eventually i stopped even having excited reactions to decent spins because no matter how close i got to completing wagering i knew at some point, somehow it would all end, or i wouldn’t be able to withdraw, or something just something would go wrong, not to mention being all too aware of how much my brain was being abused hitting spin thousands of time. eventually upon checking the bonus page the amount i had left to wager was less than i had, like wow i’m actually going to at least make most if my money back probably i thought. i think when i deposited £100 i had around 5 or 10 thousand whateverbitcoins and the most i had at one point was over 70k, and by the end it was around 55k.
thank god for the wagering requirement because i just wanted it to end, to actually be able to stop and withdraw, whereas if there wasn’t one and i could withdraw whenever i definitely would have kept going until i’d lost it all. i must have had to wager thousands of pounds and i can’t believe i managed to. then there was just the matter of finding out if i could actually withdraw it, because i was using a vpn and i’d signed up with a fake address but it’s crypto stuff so maybe none of that matters or the cryptoheads in charge don’t even care. also every time i’ve been forced at gunpoint to make a crypto transaction i am nothing but anxious that it’ll even go through, and if it does i’ve somehow enabled some kind of fee that takes away half of it. i truly could not be sure how much i was even withdrawing no matter how many conversion sites i tried, they all seemed to give varying amounts, i assumed, and hoped, it was probably around £4 or 500, and that i was incredibly lucky to be forgiven and have, i think, made my money back after this small weakness period. then the blockchain thing converted it to $1200 like no that’s not right, then i realized i couldn’t even remember how many millibitcoins it said i had when i deposited to the casino. transaction finally went through after a lot of refreshing and checking the “confirmations” and it sure was a grand.
i was in a perpetual state of relief the rest of the evening, like i’d just stared complete financial collapse in the face and made it out alive. i can’t believe how ready i was to throw it all away but i somehow doubled what i’d lost, and i genuinely felt like never doing that again because i knew how lucky i’d gotten. screw that self-help book i downloaded it turns out the cure to my addiction was to basically have a near-death experience. i truly feel like my luck bone has been sucked dry, and now i’m back to having £2k after months of depressed frivolous spending. now i’m wondering if i should even buy that new pc or see if i can have enough to move out soon, there’s still the issue of having to pay 6 months rent upfront due to being unemployed when i move cities but there’s gotta be some landlord out there who’ll hear that universal credit will cover £550 of my rent and be okay with that. now would be an amazing time to move out, would be an infinitely nicer “fresh start” kind of thing for 2023 than emptying my freaking bank account.
aaanyway i played the new world of warcraft patch for a while and wrestled with the UI the whole time, felt like i’m finally falling out of these time vampire games because i’ve had this improbable chance to finally get my life together bestowed upon me. but now do i gamble on a new pc that could either heavily delay how quickly i can move out or give me the opportunity to make even more by finally getting back around to this monetizing myself thing. ouhgghhh, i think i can at least focus on preparations in the meantime, might even keep me off those damn videos game having a system that increasingly seems like it can’t run them without wanting to throw up everywhere. the best thing that new wow expansion can do for me is up the system requirements. god i did not deserve today.
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tuesday, october 25th, 2022
i put concerta and caffeine pills next to my bed so i would get up properly because i had to get myself together now, and i only gave myself 4 or 5 hours of sleep. of course as a result i had zero appetite as a result and couldn’t even finish a bowl of cereal but i was feeling pretty motivated at least, and the caffeine didn’t seem too terrible on my pelvis at least at first but it did get pretty bad in the evening. unfortunately i failed to realize i still had the same brain as the previous day and in the middle of writing my journal got up to check if one deposit i’d made into a casino had gone through and unfortunately it had. withdraw it? well much like buying something from change from my wallet means i didn’t spend any money i wasn’t expecting that money to go through anyway, which means that £25 was already lost so i mayyy as well gamble that too.
i ended up throwing away another £80 across different sites and to my absolute dismay i found out it is very extremely possible and easy to simply make a new account on those non-gamstop sites even after requesting Which you have to do by email, to self-exclude. and there are apparently hundreds if not thousands of these websites so my previous plan to sign up for every single one just to exclude myself wouldn’t have been feasible anyway. i would find a new site that had at least some positive reviews to make sure it wasn’t a complete scam, deposit £20-30, quickly lose it all then email them asking to self-exclude, Really think about how badly i need to get my life together, then a few hours later look for a new site while the entire time feeling totally out of control of my actions.
since it was clear self-exclusion wasn’t going to work anymore the only way to fix it was to deal with the root cause which is my unbelievably monkey-like brain sitting in a small chamber pressin a button that may or may not give a banana at some point. i downloaded a book on dealing with gambling addiction which i was skeptical about because it’s one in a series of seemingly dozens of “how to stop x” books by the same guy but a lot of people say it works. i’m also keeping a lot of notes and trying to summarize things in my own words like i did with headache in the pelvis, which is extremely helpful in realizing just how stupid gambling is and i am, and i feel like the line between “book notes” and “journal entry where i lament over my addiction” will get increasingly blurry.
i wanted to get through it as fast as possible and i was worried if i put it down at all i would just go back to gambling, then rationalize it with “if i lose a little more it will motivate me to keep reading”. i didn’t want to read when it had gotten late because it was dark and i was feeling anxious and i didn’t want to have to be alone with my thoughts, then of course i’d been in a state of not reading long enough that i went back to the casinos to throw away another £25, oh but it motivated me to read even late at night so it was fine and necessary even. i also blame blizzard for delaying their world of warcraft patch a few hours so i had less to distract myself with, at the end of the day this is all their fault. oh well all the motivation motivation to get my life together right. i should empty my entire bank account to maximize it, silver linings and all.
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monday, october 24th, 2022
ugh. alright let me talk about the first parts first. i cleaned a bit because the dirtvibes were making it hard to think straight, and i was getting worried the shower caulking would get permamould again. i don’t know why i couldn’t just quickly wipe that down and it instead had to be part of a full cleaning deal, i mean i do know why i always know why whenever i say that it’s because of my brain i just don’t know why my brain is like that i mean. was it all the video games i played and false sense of accomplishment i chased throughout the years. i wonder how neurotypical i’d be if i never touched runescape in my life i would probably have million dollar by now and be god of a land.
i resubbed to ffxiv so now i am paying monthly for three different mmos like a cool person genius with lots going on in life. sorry warcraft shoulda told your game’s story in the game itself now i want to see those scions again. i started leveling a rogue and going through new game+, i’ve forgotten how many times i’ve started that now and replayed the first couple hours of the story. i do wonder how fast i can go through it if i just chill and focus on the msq, i’ve still never been caught up and now that i feel a need to go through everything again i doubt i ever will. maybe i should go through another big depression period and play it for months on end so i can get that done, we’ll see.
i finished off the cider in my fridge while playing and for some reason took a caffeine pill at 11pm and that’s when things became hell. i started thinking again about when i used to do matched betting and lamenting getting sucked into the casino stuff, which makes it all the more surprising that i just went and fully did that again and worse than it ever was before, because i was drunk this time. i looked for a casino site that wasn’t on gamstop and just, starting gambling again. i think i blew like £200! oh how did this happen again oh me oh my. i remembered how i briefly thought, i hope i don’t intentionally empty my bank account before the end of the year to really emphasize the “fresh start” of it all, and started feeling okay with doing that. it all just came back dude all that brain poisoning watching those slots spin.
i want to believe this only happened because i was drunk but i didn’t stop after i’d sobered up. i’d deposit £25-30 at a time, quickly lose it all, and deposit again. i really did briefly feel okay with the idea of losing it all and starting my bank account from scratch, at which point i realized how desperately i need therapy. i can’t believe how much worse my ocd has gotten the past couple years what in the absolute hell is “throwing away all my money and starting fresh” what in god’s name is wrong with me. tomorrow i’m probably going to sign up for as many casino sites as possible just to self-exclude from them individually to make sure this physically cosmically cannot happen again. i started picking out pc parts planning to pull the trigger as soon as possible so i don’t have all this money to blow anymore, i got a ~£1k build i think i can still somehow afford after i get paid in a couple days. i was up until about 6 looking into that because of the caffeine.
i want to believe there’s a silver lining after going to bed with a newfound motivation to get my life together now that i’ve done this. like yeah i blew £200 in one night for no reason but if i hadn’t then i probably would have sat playing video games doing nothing and spending too much on food for another two months until new year’s came around. this was the first time in a while i felt like immediately getting things together instead of waiting for a perfect moment to do it because i just really feel i need to make up for things. still a bunch of stupid gamblethoughts roam my mind like, it didn’t have to be £200 to get me motivated it could’ve been less, may as well continue to dwell on that which has already happened and i can no longer control. also the newfound knowledge that i can in fact very easily continue to gamble despite being on gamstop. i really thought every website would either be a scam because it’s not regulated or whatever or you’d have to jump through insane crypto hoops to play anything. but no there’s just more casinos out there ready to wrap their slimy hands around me and the most i can do is try to nip each individual one in the bud while resisting every part of their website that isn’t the self-exclusion section that i don’t know if will even work. if it’s not regulated and they are purposely not on gamstop who’s to say they won’t just let me sign up again, quite frankly i am terrified to find out.
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sunday, october 23rd, 2022
oh i don’t have anything written down for today whoops. i guess i just played world of warcraft all day. uhhh i think i went shopping then when i got home realized i don’t have any kitchen roll? god can it be 2023 already so i feel like doing normal person things. see look i clearly Want to do things but that apparently isn’t enough because what’s the point if i don’t have my funny new journal to write about it all in.
my head was itchy at one point but i said no i won’t shower i’ve showered too much then it got bearable eventually. i ate chicken and brushed my teeth. i charged a device or two. but really, when it came down to it, at the end of the day, and by that i mean at the all day of the day, i was Gamin. and if i don’t remember anything else that happened or anything i thought about, it doesn’t matter as long as there’s Gamin. there’s no word count requirement for these i’m just worried if i start leaving it at barely a paragraph i’ll fall off it much quicker even though there have been a few megadepression-era posts where it was just one or two sentences. now i’m just kinda typing things to fill it out. i’m gonna go on the computer now goodbye
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saturday, october 22nd, 2022
woke up planning for it to be another nothing day today but apparently it was gonna be raining for the next week afterwards so i thought i may as well go out today to get my glasses. i like going out when i’m looking bright and colorful it makes me feel confident. i got mcdonald’s because i didn’t have breakfast and i have officially spent way too much on food these past couple weeks despite starting the month off being super frugal with it. the glasses are good, i’ve never had anti-glare before and is this really what i’ve been missing out on. seeing normally without everything looking shiny. man
when i got home my computer was being goofy and kept “repairing” itself whenever i tried turning it on. i honestly started hoping maybe it would die and i’d be forced to finally buy a new one even though i probably don’t have enough for one anymore. but alas it worked fine though it is very noticeably on its last legs. i tried playing league of legends again and after a few AI games and youtube tutorials decided i do not care enough about learning league of legends. i wasn’t even interested in the game itself just moreso in knowing how to play for some reason but i have no idea why anyone would put in so much effort to learn how to play this. i played overwatch afterwards like oh yeah multiplayer games can resemble fun.
being at a point where i have to read three whole books to be comfortable continuing with world of warcraft i’m thinkin bout ffxiv more and more….i had to send in a ticket to remove my phone authenticator because i’ve gotten a new one since i last played. i groan over having to read three books but really if i wanted to continue playing ffxiv from where i left off i would need to replay far more than three books’ worth to remember what’s going on. or maybe i could just do other things outside with people instead of all this.
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friday, october 21st, 2022
picked up meds today, was going to go get glasses too and just get all that done at once but it was apparently going to rain but i don’t know if it did, can’t remember. i was just gonna sit and try to get through as much of this warcraft lore stuff as possible so i’d be comfortable playing through the game some more, and i really got distracted going down rabbitholes on the wiki looking up everything i read about in the book. i wish it was easier for me to get back into reading once something takes me out of it like that, even though the thing that took me out of it was literally supplementary reading.
played hearthstone again and it got me in a card game mood, thought i’ve never tried magic so i should give that a go. just try a bunch of different card games i’m in that mood. downloaded mtg arena and went through tutorial stuff and really enjoyed it but i sure am bad at it whenever it makes me play against someone else. i have fun playing these games but then i think about how much effort it would take to learn to be good at them and i can feel that fun start dwindling. had my first Alcoholic Beverage in a while, and who knew a good way to keep off it was to have an absurd amount of cider in my fridge that i never feel like drinking because i don’t like it much, and i never want to buy anything else because “i’ve got all that cider at home”.
everyone says legends of runeterra is really good and i should try it but mmm league of legends. normally not being interested in the source material wouldn’t matter hell i played hearthstone when it came out and i didn’t care about warcraft but i so anti-care about league of legends that it ruins it for me. then i had my most cursed thought of 2022, what if i downloaded, on purpose, the video game program league of legends, onto my personal computing system, and ran it. i wondered if it was like picross in that just seeing it be played wasn’t enough for me to understand the appeal and maybe just playing it a bit i’d maybe kinda get it and wouldn’t be so out off by it. all i came out of it truly understanding is that the tutorial is notoriously awful. i watched a single “beginner’s guide” video and i can’t believe this game is so popular and people play it willingly. i’m going to try it again properly tomorrow but man. what an impossibly impossible seeming game to get into.
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thursday, october 20th, 2022
having battle.net open all the time now be damned i have redownloaded hearthstone now. i played a couple games on my phone and won somehow despite having completely forgotten how to play and not knowing what any cards do. i think the only money i ever spent on it was for some singleplayer campaign thing i don’t remember, was just wondering if i’d already broken my personal rule on not spending any money on things that are attainable in-game. though it’s literally a collectible card game so i’m not sure how much that could reasonably apply. anyway i got my dopamine hits from the card packs i had to open and achievement points to redeem so i don’t know i’ll be bothering to try to learn that game again.
went to buy food and i guess my old card has been cancelled after all, luckily it let me add my new one to my apple pay thing at the checkout without even needing the card on me, it just did it in the bank app which was nice. got home and ate garbage and played wow all day, increasingly wanting to resub to ffxiv as well. i always thought i’m not gonna fully get into wow and if i were to have a “main” game like this it’d be ffxiv but i’ve played that a lot and i want to play this for a while. i’m really at the point with wow though where i don’t feel comfortable carrying on with quests without knowing what the hell is going on story-wise. guess i need to sit down and read all day but man i miss a game actually telling you its story instead of having to look to outside sources.
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wednesday, october 19th, 2022
i get up i go ughhhh i don’t wanna write about my day i trudge through it i play world of warcraft all day. i want a way to schedule a big reset for my birthday except sonic frontiers comes out the next day and that’ll be all i wanna do. i can at least start focusing more on taking care of myself so i have kind of a headstart next year. imagining a normal person listening to me talking about getting my life together in this way and being extremely confused. “why don’t you just take care of yourself now” do you think i am some kind of magicman. some kind of wizard who is able to keep a journal that starts in the middle of october instead of perfectly on january 1st without it bothering them.
i read my silly warcraft book for a while until my pelvis was acting up too much to concentrate so i thought may as well make it act up even more, even though i didn’t want to. remember when i said i would abstain from getting takeout to make up for spending all that money on wow character transfers well i got takeout again. i would not put it past my current mental state to decide that to really make it a “fresh start” i should empty my bank account. not sure why all my faith that i’ll get my life together soon has gone into the idea of keeping a big fat physical journal. throughout the day i start thinking about things and then think about how nice it would be to just sit down with a pen and get all those thoughts out in a concise manner without any keyboard-enabled rambling. i wonder how often i will actually do this.
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