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Vent session 4/26/20

A couple things. First, the not so serious. 

I’ve been living with my parents for a little over a year now since the second year of my boyfriend’s ST program basically makes it impossible to work while doing the program. We decided to move our in with our parents to save money (especially since there’s no way I could support us and our two dogs on my own.) My parents are fine. They’re not perfect but they’re fine. I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older though just how different I am from a lot of my family. My parents are definitely products of their time. They dont believe in therapy. I go to therapy. I’ve gone to therapy since I was a freshman in college (When I could go without them paying for it/knowing about it) I’ve recently started Trauma counseling, trying EMDR to process past traumas and maybe stop some of my more toxic/ bad habits and the cycle of abuse. (my current relationship isn’t abusive but I’m scared that I may make it toxic because thats really all i’ve known or if it fails I’ll go back to the cycle)  

I myself have had quite a few traumatic events happen in my life. In the last few years I’ve become pretty open about my mental health, hoping that it might help others (so no one will feel the way I felt, like I was alone etc) I think a lot of my family would benefit from therapy, as now that I am so open, sometimes my family will share their stories. My parents, like I said don’t believe in therapy, and now they also believe they are too old to be fixed. Especially my mom. Which, for me, is really saddening. My mom, when overwhelmed, will hit herself in the head. Which can make it hard to talk to her about anything serious because she also takes a lot of things super personally (and I cant blame her for that. I’m sensitive AF) and it sucks that she feels she, or her inner peace, is worth it at this point. I’ve found a lot of my family just doesn’t really seem to want to better themselves and would rather just say “This is how I am, take it or leave it” 

It’s exhausting to be around people who are in that sort of mindset when you’re working very hard to be better. Trying to be happy, get my anxiety/depression/PTSD under control, process traumas....

Also. some of my traumas happened in the house, or when I was teen living here. SO, sometimes just being in this house is a struggle. Being back in this room where my ex-wife tried to kick me out and pushed me to a breaking point. Being in this room where I found out my ex-wife kissed someone else while they were deployed and decided they didnt want to be with me anymore. Being in this house where I broke down shattered, screaming and crying for the world to stop spinning, and my ex-wife yelled at me, belittled me, harassed me so much over the phone I had to get my parents involved so she wouldnt speak to me again. In this house where I had to hide so much of myself, had to pretend so many things didnt happen....Its really hard being here. especially in this time of super stress, being in Quarantine and a Pandemic due to COVID-19. 

and to add on top of that, my mother has started trying to inch me out. My grandma is supposed to move in when I move out. I guess my grandma is hounding her, so in turn, she’s hounding me. Even after I have explained that COVID has messed with my boyfriends program, and my planned summer vacation. Originally he was supposed to be done in June, and we had a FL trip planned in Sept, so we’d move out after our FL trip, to save money, and hopefully not stress the dogs out. (moving to a new place and then all of a sudden your parents are gone for 8 days might be a little much for our pups). Depending on when he started, and how much money I saved, and if my coworker would be moving in with us we could possibly move in August, gives the dogs a month to adjust to their new surroundings before we would move. BUT, now....he may have to do a summer term, to make up for the lack of ST time in ORs at different hospitals, which means he wouldn’t start working in June, he may, depending on how they do their summer term, not be done with his program till July or August...and obviously he needs to work, for at least a month or two before we could move. also, we don’t know if we’ll be able to travel to FL in September, THere isnt really a point in going if Disneyworld and Universal aren’t open/fully functioning. soooo....a lot is up in the air. The added stress of my mom constantly asking when I’ll be moving out is not helping my stress level at all. It’s irking me more than I thought. I didn’t want to admit quite how much it bothers me. oi. 

Secondly, 

probably a month ago now...or a couple weeks I’m not sure (time is hard right now ya’ll) our dogs started fighting. Very suddenly. We’ve had Carbon since September 2018. Frank (Jake’s dog) and Carbon have never fought till this point. I’m not sure what changed because they both have lived with me (Frank and one of Jake’s parents’ dog dont get along, so he had to live with me) the entire time I’ve lived at my parents house...It seemed like we were making progress, we were able to have them out in the same room without any trouble for a few days recently. (previously we had been crating one, and switching them out about every 4 hours if we were both home) They do fine on walks together. they seemed to be doing okay, but then another fight happened a day or two ago...Jake’s suggestion is to remain living separate. I’ll move in with my co-worker, he’ll either move out on his own or with a roommate with Frank. 

to backtrack, Carbon is a almost 2 year old pit/lab mix. He was a rescue, I got him when he was 5 months old. He’s fairly mellow for his age, but he is 2, he’s young and playful. Frank is a 6/7 year old potato dog (he’s short, a little long and has a round/barrelesque body, supposedly a chihuahua, pug, staffy mix. He isn’t fat either, its solid mass. He’s older and grumpy. so maybe he just snapped at Carbon’s youthful shenanigans.  They both are very much daddy’s boys. they may have fought over his attention (now that they see him more, he has been basically quarantining at my house ) it’s kind of impossible to know. 

I don’t like the idea of living apart. I’m needy. Plus, for a majority of our relationship we have lived together already. Jake is not only my boyfriend but also my bestfriend. I’m very physically affectionate, and Jake kind of sucks at texting...Also, I’m worried that our schedules wont line up. I work M-Thurs 6:30 am to 5pm. his ST schedule could have him working 12 hour days, he could have to work on my days off. having him spend the night once a week is not enough for me, if I can help it, most of this year that’s all I’ve been getting and its been awful (Quarantine has changed that but, thats special circumstances) We already were only supposed to live apart while he was finishing his program, and now we may need to live apart another year...or more...for the rest of Frank’s life, unless Carbon passes suddenly I guess...thats a long time. I get that he doesnt want to crate them “forever” if we lived together. and if we wanted to go on a trip, we’d need specific people to help us, to be sure no fights ensued or whatever, if someone gets bit...it’s over. I understand that...it might not be fair to “crate and rotate” them for however long we need to and neither of us is giving up their dog....I thought maybe if we could get a big enough space maybe it wouldnt be so bad. we could kind of section them off away from each other...(this past year its been me and the 2 dogs in like maaaaaybe 500sq ft) but finding that might be difficult in our price range...especially since we’ll be renting and probably moving to Portland (which is expensive) it’s causing a lot of stress for me...my anxiety is causing me to overthink. Like. is this somehow a sign that we shouldnt be together? He and I got together before i was even officially divorced (granted he was supposed to just be a confidence boost, not actually a legit relationship..but we fucked up and fell in love) and he has broken up with twice over our three years...the second time really wasnt necessary because he was trying to take care of me, to not cause me to be miserable during his second year of school when he knew I wouldnt be able to see him much and that I am needy, but we ended up doing what I had suggested...which is what we are doing now..being together but living apart. sigh. I don’t know. It’s a lot going on right now. I’m not a fan....everything is super stressful as is...and now all this too...oi oi oi. sigh. it’ll work out somehow...right?

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Daddy

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(Source)

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all im interested in right now is laying in bed and kissing a lot.

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Please reblog, this is so important.

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100 Reasons NOT To Kill Yourself

1. We would miss you. 2. It’s not worth the regret. Either by yourself if you failed or just simply left scars, or the regret everyone else feels by not doing enough to help you. 3. It does get better. Believe it or not it will eventually get better. Sometimes you have to go through the storm to get to the rainbow. 4. There’s so much you would miss out on doing. 5. There is always a reason to live. It might not be clear right now, but it is always there. 6. So many people care, and it would hurt them if you hurt yourself. 7. You ARE worth it. Don’t let anyone, especially yourself, tell you otherwise. 8. You are amazing. 9. A time will come, once you’ve battled the toughest times of your life and are in ease once again, where you will be so glad that you decided to keep on living. You will emerge stronger from this all, and won’t regret your choice to carry on with life. Because things always get better. 10. What about all the things you’ve always wanted to do? What about the things you’ve planned, but never got around to doing? You can’t do them when you’re dead. 11. I love you. Even if only one person loves you, that’s still a reason to stay alive. 12. You won’t be able to listen to music if you die. 13. Killing yourself is never worth it. You’ll hurt both yourself and all the people you care about. 14. There are so many people that would miss you, including me. 15. You’re preventing a future generation, YOUR KIDS, from even being born. 16. How do you think your family would feel? Would it improve their lives if you died? 17. You’re gorgeous, amazing, and to someone you are perfect. 18. Think about your favourite music artist, you’ll never hear their voice again… 19. You’ll never have the feeling of walking into a warm building on a cold day 20. Listening to incredibly loud music 21. Being alive is just really good. 22. Not being alive is really bad. 23. Finding your soulmate. 24. Red pandas 25. Going to diners at three in the morning. 26. Really soft pillows. 27. Eating pizza in New York City. 28. Proving people wrong with your success. 29. Watching the jerks that doubted you fail at life. 30. Seeing someone trip over a garbage can. 31. Being able to help other people. 32. Bonfires. 33. Sitting on rooftops. 34. Seeing every single country in the world. 35. Going on roadtrips. 36. You might win the lottery someday. 37. Listening to music on a record player. 38. Going to the top of the Eiffel Tower. 39. Taking really cool pictures. 40. Literally meeting thousands of new people. 41. Hearing crazy stories. 42. Telling crazy stories. 43. Eating ice cream on a hot day. 44. More Harry Potter books could come out, you never know. 45. Travelling to another planet someday. 46. Having an underwater house. 47. Randomly running into your hero on the street. 48. Having your own room at a fancy hotel. 49. Trampolines. 50. Think about your favourite movie, you’ll never watch it again. 51. Think about the feeling of laughing out loud in a public place because your best friend has just sent you an inside joke, 52. Your survival will make the world better, even if it’s for just one person or 20 or 100 or more. 53. People do care. 54. Treehouses 55. Hanging out with your soul mate in a treehouse 55. Snorting when you laugh and not caring who sees 56. I don’t even know you and I love you. 57. I don’t even know you and I care about you. 58. Because nobody is going to be like you ever, so embrace your uniqueness! 59. You won’t be here to experience the first cat world emperor. 60. WHAT ABOUT FOOD?! YOU’LL MISS CHOCOLATE AND ALL THE OTHER NOM THINGS! 61. Starbucks. 62. Hugs. 63. Stargazing. 64. You have a purpose, and it’s up to you to find out what it is. 65. You’ve changed somebody’s life. 66. Now you could change the world. 67. You will meet the person that’s perfect for you. 68. No matter how much or how little, you have your life ahead of you. 69. You have the chance to save somebody’s life. 70. If you end your life, you’re stopping yourself from achieving great things. 71. Making snow angels. 72. Making snowmen. 73. Snowball fights. 74. Life is what you make of it. 75. Everybody has a talent. 76. Laughing until you cry. 77. Having the ability to be sad means you have the ability to be happy. 78. The world would not be the same if you didn’t exist. 79. Its possible to turn frowns, upside down 80. Be yourself, don’t take anyone’s shit, and never let them take you alive. 81. Heroes are ordinary people who make themselves extraordinary. Be your own hero. 82. Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections. 83. One day your smile will be real. 84. Having a really hot, relaxing bath after a stressful day. 85. Lying on grass and laughing at the clouds. 86. Getting completely smashed with your best friends. 87. Eating crazy food. 88. Staying up all night watching your favourite films with a loved one. 89. Sleeping in all day. 90. Creating something you’re proud of. 91. You can look back on yourself 70 years later and being proud you didn’t commit 92. Being able to meet your Internet friends. 93. Tea / Coffee / Hot Chocolate 94. Sherlock season three. 95. Cuddling under the stars. 96. Being stupid in public because you just can. 97. If you are reading this then you are alive! Is there any more reason to smile? 98. being able to hug that one person you havent seen in years 99. People care enough about you and your future to come up with 100 reasons for you not to do this. 100. But, the final and most important one is, just, being able to experience life. Because even if your life doesn’t seem so great right now, literally anything could happen

IF that isn’t enough:

Depression Hotline: [phone] Suicide Hotline: [phone] LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255 Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386 Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743 Eating Disorders Hotline: [phone] Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673 Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272 Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000 Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253 Child Abuse: 1-800-422-4453 UK Helplines: Samaritans (for any problem): 08457909090 e-mail [email protected] Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem): 08001111 Mind infoline (mental health information): 0300 123 3393 e-mail: [email protected] Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice): 0300 466 6463 [email protected] b-eat eating disorder support: 0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: [email protected] b-eat youthline (for under 25’s with eating disorders): 08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) Cruse Bereavement Care: 08444779400 e-mail: [email protected] Frank (information and advice on drugs): 0800776600 Drinkline: 0800 9178282 Rape Crisis England & Wales: 0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail [email protected] Rape Crisis Scotland: 08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight India Self Harm Hotline: [phone] India Suicide Helpline: 022-27546669 Kids Help Phone (Canada): 1-800-668-6868, Free and available 24/7 suicide hotlines; Argentina: 54-0223-493-0430 Australia: 13-11-14 Austria: 01-713-3374 Barbados: 429-9999 Belgium: 106 Botswana: 391-1270 Brazil: 21-233-9191 China: 852-2382-0000 (Hong Kong: 2389-2222) Costa Rica: 606-253-5439 Croatia: 01-4833-888 Cyprus: 357-77-77-72-67 Czech Republic: 222-580-697, 476-701-908 Denmark: 70-201-201 Egypt: 762-1602 Estonia: 6-558-088 Finland: 040-5032199 France: 01-45-39-4000 Germany: 0800-181-0721 Greece: 1018 Guatemala: 502-234-1239 Holland: 0900-0767 Honduras: 504-237-3623 Hungary: 06-80-820-111 Iceland: 44-0-8457-90-90-90 Ireland: 1800-247-100 Israel: 09-8892333 Italy: 06-705-4444 Japan: 3-5286-9090 Latvia: 6722-2922, 2772-2292 Malaysia: 03-756-8144 (Singapore: 1-800-221-4444) Mexico: 525-510-2550 Netherlands: 0900-0767 New Zealand: 4-473-9739 New Guinea: 675-326-0011 Nicaragua: 505-268-6171 Norway: 47-815-33-300 Philippines: 02-896-9191 Poland: 52-70-000 Portugal: 239-72-10-10 Russia: 8-20-222-82-10 Serbia: 21-6623-393 Spain: 91-459-00-50 South Africa: 0861-322-322 South Korea: 2-715-8600 Sweden: 031-711-2400 Switzerland: 143 Taiwan: 0800-788-995 Thailand: 02-249-9977 Trinidad and Tobago: 868-645-2800 Ukraine: 0487-327715 Uruguay: 095 73 8483 You will be missing out on every single wonderful thing yet to happen to you.

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The most iconic version of Cinderella (starring Brandy and Whitney Houston) premiered 20 years ago

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I have a feeling this will be me and my current boyfriend. Which sucks.

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Non monogamy so far.

I think the only problem I seem to be running into is if Jake goes to see his other on sundays, especially if I’m just home by myself (which I know is super selfish) and spends like all day with her, I start feeling strange. I’m not sure if it’s jealousy, or what. It’s not really mad, more of a sad affect, maybe. Since Sunday’s are our only full day together.

Last Sunday he spent like 6 hours with her, so we didn’t get to do the plans we had that day. And today, he has spent all day with her yet again. This time, at least, we didn’t have plans but I’m still feeling that strange emotion that I’m not quite sure what it is. When he goes to see her during the week, I don’t get this feeling.

Maybe it’d be different if we had more days together, or maybe it’s just a time issue, I’m not sure. It’s gonna be interesting to navigate this new situation. And maybe now that I think I have my other person, maybe it’ll change? Maybe not.

It’s nice that we, to each other, can communicate super well, and we communicate to our other partners pretty well too. We both have laid out what we want, the type of relationships we have and what not to our partners and each other.

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Photo Series Captures Women’s Faces Before, During & After Orgasm Challanges Our Ideas of Female Sexuality

culturenlifestyle:

Topic: Photography, Feminism || by STAFF

See the 22 images here!

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The last couple months have been really rough and amazing all at the same time. Jake and I legitimately are now trying out open/poly relationships and it’s actually done wonders for us. I went on an amazing date the other night and today I have another one. Last night I treated Jake to drinks and fondue and it was a blast. A super nice date that I planned entirely by myself.

And tonight, I’m celebrating my birthday by partying with my friends and I’m so overwhelmed by the amount of love and support from these people in my life. My brother is coming, Jake’s sister is coming, Nick came from Idaho for it and my newest friends Andy and Caitlin are coming. I’m going to have a group of like 10-15 people celebrating with me. Full of love and support AND they are all dressing up like mythical creatures. Even my brother is going all out! I’m so excited and happy. I feel loved, safe and happy. Absolutely happy right now. I feel so free, it’s amazing. A couple weeks ago I was struggling soooo hard and now to be on the up and feel so alive and free is just amazing.

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It’s the second night in a row that it’s 2am and I can’t sleep.

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(Source)

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Truer words were never spoken

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I’m thankful for a partner that I can talk to, discuss my biggest fears and my tiny concerns with without fear of a fight or being made to feel those feelings are invalid.

Last night I figured I’d talk about some things concerning me, better to get it out now before it becomes a real problem.

I’m worried that I’m too affectionate for him. He had told me once that I was too needy and that it may be a good idea to open up our relationship in order to satisfy my needs for attention and affection. Granted when he had said that I had been stuck in the house for a month with a heart condition so my anxiety and depression were making me a seriously needy mess. But, I am a -very- affectionate person. He’s affectionate passively, a subtle hand on my thighs, or crossing our legs together, a kiss every now and then. He doesn’t tell me he loves me first, he probably wouldn’t tell me everyday if I didn’t say it to him first. Which, it makes me want to experiment with that, to see how often he’ll tell me “I love you” if I made effort not to say it. Would it be days? I went to kiss him all the time, he’s a wonderful kisser, and I also constantly like to be touching him in some way. I’ve realized most of my life I’ve been starved for attention, so I like the positive attention he gives me. The kisses, the looks, the cuddles, etc. he has said that sometimes it’s a little too much, but usually it’s fine, the only time it got really out of hand was after my hospitalization and being home and depressed for a month.

Then there’s the subject of kids. And marriage.

When Jake and I first started hanging out, I was going through a divorce and he had a girlfriend, a long term girlfriend that he’d spent the last 5 years with. I liked him a lot. But refused to acknowledge it because at the time I did want to try to work things out with my spouse and he was growing to be legitimately my best friend, one of the best friends I had ever had very quickly and I needed that friendship way more than a crush. The more we talked and hung out though, the more I realized just how wrong the relationship I was trying to fight for was. I had the lowest self esteem I had ever had. I didn’t know just how incredibly broken I had been. Jake and I also had sexual tension up the wazoo, you couldn’t feel it in the air. Jake and his girlfriend had an open relationship. We decided he would be my confidence booster, we’d have a little fun, and then I’d go one my merry way when I found someone who actually had the same end goal as I did. Jake hadn’t wanted kids, and I’ve always wanted kids. He also didn’t really want to ever get married it seemed as he straight up told his girlfriend of years that he’d never marry her. I had never understood that. So we didn’t have the same end goals, so it was never ever going to be a “real” thing. We’d bang, and then still be best friends.

Well, that didn’t go as planned. His gf had found out it was me he was fooling around with and they fought, he then broke up with her. They had been fighting a lot recently. So Jake and I were able to become a real couple. I still didn’t think it’d be long term because if the kid thing, when we first met he was veryyyy anti having kids. But then I guess I opened his mind to be on the “maybe” train. I didn’t want to change his mind if that wasn’t what he actually wanted, I was shocked. Then the hope that maybe we could really be a forever thing came into my head. Jake and I make a great team, we communicate well, rarely fight, we have fun, we are serious, and we love each other. He made a comment semi recently that he thinks he would be too selfish to have kids especially right now. He definitely doesn’t want them anytime soon and is leaning more towards “no” on the subject. Which is fine. Except that leaves me feeling very weird and anxious. I’m not needing kids anytime soon, but I do want them. I’m thinking around 30/35 somewhere in there. Jake would want to be financially stable, and I completely understand that. I’m not in a rush but, if he’s on the no train...I don’t know that I see the point in continuing our romantic relationship then. He doesn’t understand that. “If you’re not in a rush, then why be so quick to break up?” And I guess he’s never been in my shoes...he’s had only decent/good relationships. He can also remain unattached to people. He’s never been abused, he’s not depressed or anxious and he’s never been married and divorced. He also never wanted kids, and probably doesn’t care about getting married. He has no time clock. There is no timer running out for him or any sense of putting so much energy into a person, a relationship to have it crumble and then start from scratch when there -is- a timer. It takes so much out of me to build relationships, I’m shit at it. I’ve never dated someone more than a year straight other than my ex spouse and Jake. I get attached, I move quickly because I put so much into them. I’m loving and I just want to love the people I care about. I moved in with Jake within like a month of dating. That’s energy and time and effort for me that I can’t just fling around. I want to get married. I want to then live as spouses for a while, travel together, build a home..and then eventually start a family. Building that takes time, and unlike him, I do have a time limit to have kids. Sure I’ve still got 10 years but, in this economy, it may take me and my partner 10 years to be able to afford a house and kids.

I love jake. He is the easiest person for me to be around, to love, to be with, share my life with...and that makes it even harder. The longer I’m with him, the more comfortable, secure, I am with him, he makes me feel safe. And I feel like if we both don’t want the same things, it’s just going to make it harder to make that decision for me to leave and try to find someone else.

He came home with a ring on his finger that belonged to his grandfather, he had been away at the funeral. He normally doesn’t wear jewelry and isn’t a fan. I told him I liked it on him, and he did too. I made a joke about him training for his wedding ring. The look on his face...and his nervous kind of laugh as he said “whoa no, hold your horses” or something like that kind of hurt me to be honest. We’ve moved really fast in our relationship. Engagement is the next step, not that I’m rushing for that, but just the way he reacted..idk. Does he really want to be with me in the long run? In a perfect world, I’d be with him in a heartbeat forever. He’d want kids and I’d never have to make the choice.

And unfortunately I probably won’t even be able to get even a small bit of easy in this decision because as we were discussing last night, I told him if he knows he on the no train, let me know. And he was like. “I was to be financially stable and I probably won’t know till I get there, and by the time I would probably get there..you’ll be 35” so it looks like I may have to make that decision completely on my own to either stay with him or leave him. Which just sucks...

We are both into non monogamy though...so maybe I could have my cake and eat it to? Do the marriage/kid thing with someone else and still be in a relationship with him. Haha. Probably not though. I guess you can’t rule anything out though.