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I am soooo really, seriously fucked

However good my ex made my life, they made it double awful. I make too much for fucking food stamps. Like, where the fuck am I supposed to live in this state where I can pay less than a fucking thousand dollars AND work from home AND fucking exist???

I'm not fucking giving up my cats to clear maybe a hundred bucks a month of my fucking budget. My cats mean more to me than a hundred bucks. I'm not moving to a "more affordable" area of town. People are already fucking doing pills just off the property!

So great fucking news, to anyone who's reading this: Being a single person earning two thousand dollars per month, paying a thousand dollars in rent, I don't fucking qualify for medicaid. Which was fucking keeping me alive.

So I get to go without my depression meds and my blood pressure meds.

I get to go back to a world where my depression fucking owns me and blood pressure migraines cause me to miss work. I told the poor gal who was doing my interview, I might as well go on disability. Disability would honestly pay better and more consistently than me struggling against constant migraines and my depression to hold a fucking job.

I can't afford insurance. I can't afford to pay for my meds. After rent and bills, I get to keep less than nine hundred of my two thousand dollars per month. I can't even afford a fucking mattress. I can't even afford to pay my fucking student loans. Groceries?? Winter isn't coming. Winter has fucking bowled my ass into the ground. I have quickly gone from the sidelines of yeah yeah, burn it down, to I'm about to be out in the fucking streets tomorrow burning cars and smashing windows. Why the fuck ask me what my fucking rent is if you aren't taking that into consideration???

Why the fuck am I making fifteen fucking dollars per hour if I can't even afford to live by myself? How has fifteen dollars an hour gone from pretty nice money to fucking minimum fucking wage?? In like, a couple years.

The system. Isn't. Fucking. Working. Burn it to the fucking ground. I'm not getting rid of my fucking cats to save about a hundred bucks a month. Having my cats isn't the fucking problem. Avo-fucking-cado toast and Starbucks frappu-fucking-ccino isn't the fucking problem.

[zxvtrpnljhfdb]

I can't fucking stand this anymore

I went to the new gyno today and she basically shrugged and said, well I guess it's impossible for you to get pregnant on your own.

I want to....... throw something, break something. I want to scream. I'm sick of crying. I want to vent at someone, I want someone to put the depression and the amenorrhea together and give me a fucking solution. No one wants to fucking listen to me!! I want someone to be going through this with me, at my side. I just want a fucking friend.

It's not fucking fair. Why me? Why is fucking everyone around me just popping out babies like it's nothing and I'm over here with fucked hormones and head-up-ass doctors??

I can't afford a fucking fertility specialist. I can barely afford my rent and groceries and fucking bills. I just don't understand why it's so difficult to give me the drugs or the injections or whatever, creams, suppositories, I don't care. What do I fucking need to do to make myself ovulate, why is this so fucking hard.

I'm going to give it a few months. I've already been on the metformin a few months. I'm going to try the myo-inositol for a few months, and have a few prog-assisted periods, and hopefully lose more weight. I'm going to save money, maybe talk to a fertility specialist and get an idea of what this might cost. I can barely afford my rent and bills and groceries, honestly, like most people right now. I applied for benefits, because a) I have no shame, and b) I can barely afford the basics, never even mind insurance.

I think it would also help to try to get completely off the SSRIs. I'm already trending in that direction, thankfully.

I might have to keep seeing the shitty gyno who suggested that I get a gastric bypass. The response I had to my second round of prog and clom, versus the first round was so promising. I think a few months of just prog, and then to bring the clom back in, maybe at the next dose, I think it would be worth the experiment. I wanted some time to just, take the drugs, get my body re-acclimated to having proper adult, reproductive hormones flowing again, and hopefully that would give me time to save for a few vials of sperm.

I've been spotting off and on since Thursday. It's really brown and, I don't know how else to say it, dry. It doesn't respond like a full on period would, like if I go for a walk. I really, really, desperately hope, and keep hoping, somehow, I actually am pregnant. Even though my hormones were too low, sometimes nature trumps the logic and order of science. I keep hoping for a miracle, to prove these doctors wrong, to prove that they weren't doing their jobs, to prove that they weren't listening, they weren't paying attention.

[zxvtrpnljhfdb]

We have spotting!! Without any medications!!!

Whether this is an attempt at a period, or a miscarriage, I don't care. I just want the progress to keep on coming!

I'm going to make a very solid attempt to buy some inositol vitamins. I heard they're good for PCOS, which according to my current gyno, I cannot be diagnosed with. I'm looking forward to my second opinion.

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I keep dreaming that my ex is still my ex, but they snuggle and cuddle me and hold me like they love and cherish me the way they never did during the duration of our relationship.

And this morning, I also dreamed about this old lady who was basically like, fuck those pregnancy tests. Implying like, I'm an old lady and I know better than any pregnancy test.

All wishful thinking, I know.

I deserved more from that relationship......... but it doesn't matter. It may never matter.

[zxvtrpnljhfdb]

I have fucking areolas???

All my life, mine have been so pale that they're really only recognizable by the features of that area/type of skin.

The doctor says I'm statistically unlikely to be pregnant. Plus with all the stress and the bullying and the move and money issues, I'd really be stunned if I was pregnant.

I heard the dollar store tests were duds, so I won't have money for any other tests until I get paid, but my soda water habit is getting a little out of hand lately; I need to place the highest priority on getting my water processing appliances, right after getting my bills caught up or reserved.

I shouldn't be stuck sleeping on the couch for too, too long. Worst case scenario, I think maybe not this coming check, but the next or the third after that. Luckily, this couch is fucking comfy.

I gotta wrap it up for the evening and get some sleep.

[zxvtrpnljhfdb]

After going to the internet store

I'm actually feeling a little more positive. I just have to be mindful, maybe pull my bills out of the first check of the month, still save about half of my checks. It was just....I felt awful because I had the money and...... as soon as my ex had it, basically, it was gone. And the younger guy was such an asshole, bitching about how he's not The Rock, but it's like, no one is making you move all that weight at once, and he was such an asshole when he was like, keep the moving blanket. What the fuck?? What am I supposed to do with a moving blanket?? Where has this thing even been?? And the move kept getting more and more expensive as the clock ticked on. But I didn't have any choice. What was i going to do, haul this kitchen/garage shelf across the damn neighborhood??

I can also get a new phone for cheaper through the internet provider, which is a relief, because this phone is garbage.

I was too exhausted to get shower curtain rings last night; most of the shitty dollar store ones I bought back in 2021 when we moved. So I'm itchy from head to toe because of my stupid rash. I'm getting that tonight, and if I have time, I'll do the damage check for the office. I should note the floor and I definitely have to mention the toilet. It might be possessed 😜

I feel naked without my curtain behind me at work, so I'm going to see if this curtain rod will reach. Plus, the space is still pretty naked so the sound is bouncing off the walls.

I'm almost out of sparkling water, and given how much I drink, how much cash I have on hand, and what other comestables I might need till next Friday...... Anyway, water devices are at the top of my list, next paycheck. The cats will be fine eating off this tote for a while till I can get their fancy slow feed bowls.

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Ohh gooooood

For some reason, I am hallucinating the most intense smell of mildew, like, I'm trying to place the smell. When did I actually experience this smell? Where? Because I know logically, this apartment doesn't smell like that, and I haven't smelled this smell outside of my own nose the entire time I've been in this city.

I'm racking my brain trying to remember where I smelled this smell.

[zxvtrpnljhfdb]

The move cost

Seventy dollars more than I had.

So great. I have to pay it back next week.

I don't presently know exactly how much the internet is going to cost, but I'm probably fucked on that as well......sooo great. Because my fuckhead of an ex stole my fucking money, it's going to be like three months before I can even start to afford furniture. I'm going to have to rein in my spending even further if I want to have any kind of savings at all.

I had a full on fucking panic attack after the movers left; I've been holding it in all day. I needed to get an Uber because I thought the movers were going to immediately resume moving my stuff, and it was too hot out for the cats and I wanted to speed things along by at least helping with the smaller stuff, and it turns out ten dollars or seven dollars wouldn't really have been the difference. Turns out I was kind of redundant. I had to stay upstairs, because even with just the cats in the bedroom, the property manager was like, you better lock your door; it still took them about another two hours. Even with the extra floor of stairs.

The stairs go right out to one of the busiest streets in the city, no gate, no lock. Nothing.

Turns out the real difference would have been made with that Taco Bell order, but I'm pretty well done with GrubHub forever.

I'm not sure when the fuck I'll ever be able to afford a new mattress, never even mind, like, a nice rug for my desk or some thermal curtains. And there's not even that much space. I'm paying like, 66% of the last place, and it's a massive, humongous downsize.

I'm never even going to be able to afford a kid.........I should just give up hope..... I don't know how the fuck we were able to afford anything, never even mind rent, on the last place...........

Maybe if I just focus on paying my bills for a few months, maybe I'll catch up enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The only light I see right now is an entirely clean slate, a fresh, entirely pest-free apartment. My only responsibility is to keep it that way. That will be easy enough, since it's just me.

I see a future full of pancakes, ramen, and bisquik.

My whole entire back hurts and I just need some food and a lot of sleep.

[zxvtrpnljhfdb]

Today is the last day

Tomorrow I will begin living on my own for the first time since 2015.

This is definitely not how I would have chosen to go about it. Like I keep mentioning, I would have used my incredible $2200 tax return, as well as at least a few paychecks, just to be entirely certain that I could afford the move itself, as well as furniture that I would need.

I'm very really worried that I'm going to be short, depending on the movers. I'm going to have to dig out some cash I've been holding onto. I know cash only appreciates when it's invested, and it loses value when you shove it in the couch cushions, but when it's an emergency, I don't have a week for my investments to cash back into my bank account. I've been wanting to have an emergency rainy day fund of cash stashed around my home in DIY like trash vaults.

And of course, I intend to resume investing.

[zxvtrpnljhfdb]

Well

It sounds like, per my doctor, apparently, per my numbers I actually did not get pregnant. So I have no idea why I'm emotional and hormonal and crying at everything and having the weirdest cramps and pains and cravings of my life, and my digestion has been slowing for like a week and a half, and my libido is out of control........

I think I should still try a urine test, but it sounds like I missed this month's window.....

Should I even waste my time with a pregnancy test.....

I should be happy. I don't have to raise the psycho's baby who would most likely be a psycho as well. I don't have to worry about the cost and logistics of being a single mother.

[zxvtrpnljhfdb]

If I'm not pregnant, would someone please explain to me the pelvic blood flow I'm clearly experiencing?

About four days left until we can take a look, and I have that very exciting, nerve wracking gyno appointment at the end of the month.

[zxvtrpnljhfdb]

So that was my Saturday

I went and got my money orders for my move-in expenses. I'm just going to have to suck a lemon on the movers. I ordered earbuds to make my walks and errands more bearable. I bought a few food items, a couple donuts, a sandwich, a couple apples, while I was at the store.

I came back here, had a sorely necessary lunch, finished watching Selena for the first time--cried over it--and took a nap. Then I took apart the bed frame because I'm pissed off that I should have had plenty of money for moving costs and new furniture and my ex fucked me for....... for what fucking reason?? Why? What did I actually fucking do to this person?? To deserve two thousand dollars to be stolen from me??? And then immediately become unwelcome in my own home?

I staged all my shit for the movers, so I took as much as I could out of the office--a tote with some of the kitchen appliances and a few kitchen dishes--rearranged everything, put the small desk in the office because I'm not going to take it. I also washed the computer desk and dusted it with diatomaceous earth in my best effort to purge it of roaches. Pretty much everything else I'm taking I am very sure is free of roaches because I don't try to feed my furniture and hydrate it with soda. Plus, it's been quarantined. A couple roaches won't get very far with the way I like to keep my own home.

So tomorrow, I have to tighten up the computer desk and duct tape the bed frame pieces. And that's....... pretty much it. I just have to pack up the bathroom, clean my toaster oven, pack my work computer, and pack my cats. The cats will come with me in an Uber so the movers don't have to wait very long for me.

Ugh, I've never been this hormonal and emotional and tearful in my life. I'm sitting here crying at Selena, I'm crying over Bluey, I'm crying over Full House. I can't put on anything to watch without crying over it. I want my mommy. I've got an appointment with a new gyno toward the end of the month--hopefully this one won't try to sell me a fucking bypass that I don't fucking need. And an optometry appointment at the actual end of this month, so I'm looking forward to getting a new prescription if I need it, definitely new glasses.

I'm really concerned that this is one of the cheapest places in the area, and it's still about half my monthly income right now. I really need to get put back on the other contract. Not to mention, it's going to stress me the fuck out to get stuck in a project where I'm giving away sales that I'm licensed to take because that's not part of this contract.

Not really sure what to do with myself tomorrow. Might work on this tai chi poster, might just work on darning my pants. I really want this tai chi poster. I've been really wanting to get into tai chi, but I can't find any really good videos that go through a whole cycle, and I feel like the videos move too fast through what little they demonstrate.

[zxvtrpnljhfdb]

My card didn't get set up properly, so I didn't know I couldn't use it in stores yet. I set it up properly and now I'm back in the store, back in line.

I'm really hungry...... I just want to go back home and eat some lunch.....

[zxvtrpnljhfdb]

My card didn't get set up properly, so I didn't know I couldn't use it in stores yet. I set it up properly and now I'm back in the store, back in line.

I'm really hungry...... I just want to go back home and eat some lunch.....

[zxvtrpnljhfdb]

My card didn't get set up properly, so I didn't know I couldn't use it in stores yet. I set it up properly and now I'm back in the store, back in line.

I'm really hungry...... I just want to go back home and eat some lunch.....

I'm not really sure what to do with myself this weekend. I have some ice cream left at home, I should probably get that eaten before I get moved. I should get something to drink for the trip home.......

Oh, I could finish making this patch for my pants. Then I can start making a new one for me other jeans.

I want some popping chocolate.

[zxvtrpnljhfdb]

I missed both busses by about a block, so I'm stuck here for about half an hour.....

I'm sharing my location with one of my sisters. There's a dispensary within my line of vision, but frankly, I am genuinely scared that I will not have enough money to get to next paycheck after moving.

I still don't know what, if anything can be done about the misappropriated funds. I'm still going to try what I can think of. I'm so stressed out. I really could have used even half of that money for all of this, but my ex has no honor. I mean, what's honor when you can steal money from someone else to court your new plaything.

And it's like, so is she like, also that bad a person, or is she just dumb? One hopes that doubt is creeping into the back of her head, but most likely she's so caught up in everything. My ex talks a lot about starting a cult.

I didn't think the fucking-their-own-child talk was serious for the longest time, so I am no longer doubting their desire to start a cult. I am just not cult-able material. I am not flexible enough to reshape into the desired form, and I have seen this over and over. The only men I seem capable of attracting into my life are men who don't take it very well when I can't be molded.

But not everyone has received the emotional beatings that I have, and not everyone who has been beaten in any form or fashion has responded the way I have.

If I saw my new lover get served any kinds of papers from the police, I like to think that I'd be scared off. Of course, at this point, if my new lover called their ex psycho, unless he had very solid delineations for why he was doing that, I also wouldn't be having another date. Like, was she asking for something? How often did you really try to do that thing? If I asked you to do something that you don't do, would you really try to do that thing? Okay, well how about you practice in your own home?

I honestly think I need to try dating like a normal person instead of going immediately home with these people--no, not for sex, you fool. I mean, moving basically right in. Normal people live in their own home while dating.

I do not date like a normal person. I'm a little too timid to really try to fall "in love". Which actually may be another reason I can't find my way into a good relationship. I just settle for guys who seem nice enough, but they don't make my heart really flutter. I'm not sure that guy exists.

The mother of a guy I was "friends" with was telling me of her own son, he wouldn't be there for the child, just like his father hadn't been there. She thought this aspect was more nature than nurture, because she did the best she could with her son. Her son tells it a little different, but who's to really say? I wasn't there, and while his mother was trying to be a better person than she had been, her son was not.

The reason I bring this up is, I am not my ex's mother, who apparently ruined them by sending them away constantly. The last thing I want to do is send my child away, knowing personally all the multitude of effects being parented by two different types of parenting groups.

Additionally, having lived with several people who have similar if not same diagnoses to myself and my sperm donor, I have faith in myself to guide a child through learning difficulties as well as mental health concerns. Plus, there is definitely a nurture component to mental health and the failing therein.

I am working on my own mental well being because I strive to be a better person overall, and a better parent than the ones who raised me.

Ugh, I waited for the bus for like half an hour, and I've been waiting to get this move-in money for like, about twenty minutes 🙄

I need a snack. Like, twenty minutes ago.

[zxvtrpnljhfdb]

I missed both busses by about a block, so I'm stuck here for about half an hour.....

I'm sharing my location with one of my sisters. There's a dispensary within my line of vision, but frankly, I am genuinely scared that I will not have enough money to get to next paycheck after moving.

I still don't know what, if anything can be done about the misappropriated funds. I'm still going to try what I can think of. I'm so stressed out. I really could have used even half of that money for all of this, but my ex has no honor. I mean, what's honor when you can steal money from someone else to court your new plaything.

And it's like, so is she like, also that bad a person, or is she just dumb? One hopes that doubt is creeping into the back of her head, but most likely she's so caught up in everything. My ex talks a lot about starting a cult.

I didn't think the fucking-their-own-child talk was serious for the longest time, so I am no longer doubting their desire to start a cult. I am just not cult-able material. I am not flexible enough to reshape into the desired form, and I have seen this over and over. The only men I seem capable of attracting into my life are men who don't take it very well when I can't be molded.

But not everyone has received the emotional beatings that I have, and not everyone who has been beaten in any form or fashion has responded the way I have.

If I saw my new lover get served any kinds of papers from the police, I like to think that I'd be scared off. Of course, at this point, if my new lover called their ex psycho, unless he had very solid delineations for why he was doing that, I also wouldn't be having another date. Like, was she asking for something? How often did you really try to do that thing? If I asked you to do something that you don't do, would you really try to do that thing? Okay, well how about you practice in your own home?

I honestly think I need to try dating like a normal person instead of going immediately home with these people--no, not for sex, you fool. I mean, moving basically right in. Normal people live in their own home while dating.

I do not date like a normal person. I'm a little too timid to really try to fall "in love". Which actually may be another reason I can't find my way into a good relationship. I just settle for guys who seem nice enough, but they don't make my heart really flutter. I'm not sure that guy exists.

The mother of a guy I was "friends" with was telling me of her own son, he wouldn't be there for the child, just like his father hadn't been there. She thought this aspect was more nature than nurture, because she did the best she could with her son. Her son tells it a little different, but who's to really say? I wasn't there, and while his mother was trying to be a better person than she had been, her son was not.

The reason I bring this up is, I am not my ex's mother, who apparently ruined them by sending them away constantly. The last thing I want to do is send my child away, knowing personally all the multitude of effects being parented by two different types of parenting groups.

Additionally, having lived with several people who have similar if not same diagnoses to myself and my sperm donor, I have faith in myself to guide a child through learning difficulties as well as mental health concerns. Plus, there is definitely a nurture component to mental health and the failing therein.

I am working on my own mental well being because I strive to be a better person overall, and a better parent than the ones who raised me.

Ugh, I waited for the bus for like half an hour, and I've been waiting to get this move-in money for like, about twenty minutes 🙄

I need a snack. Like, twenty minutes ago.