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Worklife has officially started

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True homie

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Detta hade varit min närmsta skatepark om jag flyttade hem

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Ser nice ut. Gbg

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Kickflip challenge

Filmed so many tries and now afterwards it gets really tiresome really fast to watch the clips. Im continouosly doing the same mistake. I pull my front foot down when it should get kicked to the right. I directly pull my foot down towards the comfortable ground.

Also having watch a few ollie attempts I can see that my front foot is not moving anywhere. Next time I go skate I'll try to warm up first doing proper ollies, to then only focus on my front foot while trying to kickflip. One step a time. It can only get better from here.

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I WANT TO KICKFLIP

What do you want?

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Would love to try skate Taghazout Skatepark in Marocco

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sverige

Idag är första gången jag seriöst övervägt om det eventuellt hade varit bättre om jag hade flyttat tillbaka till Sverige. Sen mina snart 5 år i Berlin har tanken aldrig slagit mig såhär hårt. Jag tvekar på om jag klarar av detta. Att fortsätta livet såhär, med en pågående depression som kontinuerligt lever i mig, och utan människor runt omkring mig som jag tillåter komma nära.  Om jag hade flyttat tillbaka så hade jag haft min familj där, som oavsett hur irriterande jag tycker de kan vara, bara vill mitt bästa. Vet att de hade gjort allt för att få mig back on track, hjälpt mig hitta en lägenhet, en bra psykolog. Trots att jag inte längre har några nära vänner som bor i Göteborg så skulle jag åtminstone ha dem. Mina föräldrar, min bror, morfar. 

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Weed Log 6

So, yesterday I smoked my first joint. Was cool to recognize the feeling again; asking myself “Am I stoned now? Yep, totally stoned”. Did nothing but appreciate some good old time with myself; had something good to eat and watched shit on Netflix. Totally enjoyed it. By having this eve I all of a sudden feel incredibly motivated today which is super cool. Best thing is when I earlier saw the weed laying right next to me, I simply put it away and felt no urge whatsoever to continue smoking. I can totally imagine that it’s a nice thing to do maybe one time every one or two weeks, but not necessarily more than that. For some reason I’m also stoked that I did it myself, to really be able to see how I react. Now it’s more clear for me to see how I want to do this and it makes me feel really calm, like I have made boundaries for myself and taken one step further in self-development. Sick shit. 

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Places to skate. Gonna take up on a kickflip challange to do at least 10 per day, and for that I need spots that are not listed as sportanlage. Found four places yesterday when I was out on a walk. Besides from the phots there's the Hellweg parking lot and behind Edeka Moabogen there's some nice ground plus completely empty. Didn't take a photo due the fact that a rollerblader kid and his mom already had conquered the spot at the time. It's a perfect place to do flattrick lines. Really stoked to try it out. Would have gone today, but woke up to a super riny nose and frequent sneezings. Would feel embarassed going out on the streets with these symptoms. In corona times people would for sure look at me negatively (just as I would, vice versa). It however feels awesome to have a plan to take up to.

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måltidsguide

Sedan länge har jag varit intresserad av att vara nyttig. Det går dock i vågor, men nu återkommer intresset och jag har gjort en liten plan för mig själv hur jag nyttigast går tillväga - baserat på en mängd svenska träningssidor jag hittat online.  Jag bör äta alla måltider på ungefär samma tid. Frukost skulle då vara mellan 8 och 9 på morgonen. Har sedan länge rutin att äta havregrynsgröt på morgonen med en eller två skivor fullkornsbröd med ost. Det är en bra vana som jag bör fortsätta med i och med att det är rikt på kolhydrater. Däremot hade det varit bra att lägga till ett ägg om jag ska träna några timmar därefter. Träning efter frukost är bäst 2-3 timmar efter första målet på dagen.  Det är viktigt att äta något max 30 minuter efter träning. En banan eller ett glas mjölk räcker gott, däremot är det bra att äta ett större mål som är rikt på kolhydrater inom 2 timmar. Detta skulle kunna vara:  - ris med grönsaker - pasta med broccoli  - bananpannkakor - klyftpotatis med lax eller kyckling För att bibehålla regelbundna måltidsrutiner är det bra om jag äter lunch mellan 14 och 15). Detta ger mig 5-6 timmar mellanrum som gör att fettförbränningen blir mer effektiv. Att tex äta en frukt kan avbryta detta och är inte rekommenderat (obs på en dag jag inte har tränat). Ett generellt tips är att man ska äta långsamt, i och med att man normalt känner mättnad efter 15-20 minuter. På kvällen är det rekommenderat att man inte ska äta så mycket, i och med att kroppen lever på den reserv man har laddat upp med under dagen. Det gör att lätta mål som kesoplättar, yoghurt med bär och müsli eller omelett med spenat räcker för att stilla hungern. För mig personligen antar jag att en egenjord yoghurtdipp med morötter och gurka också hade passat bra.  Det finns mycket som man bör undvika att äta på kvällen i och med att vissa ämnen är svårare och tar längre tid att bryta ner. Exempel på detta är kött, pizza, mjölk, lök, ris och pasta.  Middag skulle för mig vara bäst att äta runt 19-21. 

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Weed Log 5

My goal has been reached and I feel proud of myself, how easy I’ve tackled this past month and 10 days. I just to be so into smoking every day and now I find it simple to go through a day without smoking. Boredom in quarantine is something you learn to tackle and weed has not been on the map, or even a discussion to in any way start with again - until now.  Besides from feeling an obligation to my parents and my therapist and how great it feels to make them proud, there is more thoughts coming over me of why I should give smoking a try again. It creates a discussion in my head.

It would be interesting to see how I would tackle having some weed at my place. How would I handle it? If I get 1g would I smoke it all up in one afternoon? Would I choose the proper time to do it? Rather than how I did it before, which would be starting cleaning my flat for example knowing I’m more productive when I’m sober, but still rolling one up just for the sake of it. I mean, that feels really far right now. I couldn’t imagine doing that. I also used to smoke a joint every day when I got home from work, before I would eat something. Well I mean, my appetite is great right now. Almost too great (thinking about my body issue at the moment, with some clear extra kilos on my belly). I feel when I would smoke to escape reality, which also means that I also could tell the moments when it would be cool to do it; when I feel good, I’ve been productive and wanna enjoy a nice moment for me - or with my friends. If it would get hard and moments would (will) come up where I want to escape and I’d glance at the weed - then it would be a good way for me to practice dealing with myself plus then having a plan for how to tackle those moments.  - I could meditate. Collect a few guided meditations in a folder, ready to be used. - I could follow my therapist’s advise and call someone (which has been a big problem for me to do until now). Need to figure out who, though. - I could leave the house. Just allow myself to embrace something else than the flat I’m quarantined in. Live in the moment by walking the streets of Moabit. - I could bring my journal and bike to Plötzensee to write. Starting to occasionally smoke weed would mean a luxury moment for myself, from time to time. It would simply allow myself to relax in a more complete way, especially now since I’m on “holidays” (if you can call it proper holidays during quarantine, but officially yeah)

Before I had my break, which has been for 1 month and 10 days, I would write up a bunch of reasons to why I would stop smoking because I used to blame so much on weed. Now I know that it’s bullshit that I used to do that. Let’s face it, I am a dreamy person, quite lost and sometimes take time to understand stuff. I am simply not the most motivated person and I feel bad over my body, even if I don’t eat munchies every day. I see the situation so much more clear now and there is no reason to blame so much on weed. It’s actually not fair. And like I’ve written in one previous post: Balance is key. Smoking as much as I did is in the end not healthy for my mind, and that’s a reason why I should do it less. A lot less. I’ve done far over my month of break right now and it could definitely be worth giving smoking a try again, and see how I deal with it. And if I can do it in the way I would wish for, I have even more reason to be proud of myself.

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