ablogofnature

[ablogofnature]

it’s just me and my irrelevant blog against the world

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[ablogofnature]

By shx.photography

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Bir kürt sevdim adlı kitabın 244. sayfası şöyle diyor ;

Seni ilk defa bu kadar benden gitmiş görüyorum ....

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Nino Migliori,  “ Herbarium “- 1974

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Estrella.styled

#people #u.u #cottagecore

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-Rumi

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Nostalgia (1983)

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Source

#people #flowers #u.u

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Tokyo Story (Yasujiro Ozu, 1953)

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by Mia

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These days I feel more melancholic. I often find myself in a rut and stupor. I catch myself staring off into the distance, eyes glazing over, mind wondering over the possibilities of my lack of persistence. Self doubt and insecurity, my worst enemies. They grow old with me. Animosity, envy, judgement, they’re my best friends. I often wonder if I hadn’t experienced such events that led to my slow unraveling as an adult, who would I be now? Naiveness kept me alive as a child, but now I feel most days I can hardly breathe. There’s a knot in my throat, I hold my breath. It’s a constant state of being where I remind myself “let go, breathe”, figuratively and physically. I’m not sure that everyone has a purpose, I most certainly don’t. I’ve thought and thought and thought— and thought that if I did… why have my circumstances and experiences led me here. Feeling helpless and ashamed, lonely and angry. What use do I have for with those emotions? I want to be light and springy and lovely and bubbly. Not sure that it’d be feel right to be those things though. Anger has held me my whole life. She’s all I know. Most days I am in a state of sorrow and I ask myself why? I have shelter, food, love at times. The bare minimum.

And then I begin to think and ask myself questions and I come to the realization that I can try with all my might and hopes and dreams to achieve my “calling”, but I was born to always fail and be doubted and be misunderstood and underestimated and at last simply cease to exist. Like those tales of unfortunate souls, as a cautionary tale. Deep down in my bones I am in a constant state of anger because they knew what I am just now realizing. I mourn these days for what I could’ve been, should’ve been, could be, would be, won’t be. The knot in my throat stays, it never leaves entirely. Even when I sleep, when I laugh, when I love. The knot in my throw stays. I mourn these days for something that I’ll simply never be.

What’s it like to have everything you’ve ever wanted? To have faith and love in yourself, but most importantly for people to have faith and love in yourself? I can’t imagine it’s anything but lovely. Anything but warm and comforting and bright. Sometimes I witness those emotions and occurrences and I watch with longing and hunger and hopefulness that it might come my way and I can take a bite next. Imagining its taste and feeling. But I am here. Only mourning and longing and feeling exhausted and going to bed, maybe the dreams in my head will be kinder and some of that anger might lift itself. Maybe I’ll wake up and it’ll be a big ol’ nightmare.

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